Amy's Awesome Nest

Polar Bear Plunge 2012 - Practice Run

2012-01-31T22:33:00.000-05:00

Jaxon was practicing for the Polar Bear Plunge this past weekend

Tuesday Tid Bits

2012-01-31T15:16:00.000-05:00

SO many little things going on. Jakes B-day dinner was lovely, except that I embarassed him. I don't know how, maybe just being Mom. ha! That's ok cause my dad embarrassed ME at the birthday dinner.

Jakes invited a GIRL to his birthday dinner! She's cute and so nice! They both deny being boyfriend and girlfriend and with them being 13, I imagine its more embarrassing to be boyfriend/girlfriend. Such an awkward age!

January is a month with an "R" in it and you know what that means! OYSTERS! I love 'em fried but not raw. On my way home from the IEP meeting, I got me some for dinner tomorrow!

AZ is packing up in Arizona and will be heading back this way by the end of February or early March. YAY! Much easier to be friends without a country in between! Especially when the time difference is 3 hours part of the year and only 2 the other part. Talk about confusing......

I've certainly been enjoying the lovely spring-like weather this winter. I didn't even mind the little snow storm we had a couple weeks back. I ended up with Jakes staying with me and sent him out to dig everyone out. Win-Win!

I got to see Jakes today at school. I went there for a meeting with the child study team to establish his IEP. It took them this long to get their version in place because they had to do their own evaluations and such. Because Jakes is now 13, they include him in the meetings for transitioning to high school and beyond. Father of the Year didn't show up as usual.

I'm sure I have more tid bits to share but I'm going for a walk in the lovely weather this afternoon!

This Little One.......

2012-01-27T08:22:00.000-05:00

Just Hours Old

This little one didn't know the joy he'd bring to his Momma, Dad, and Grandparents.

Sweet Smiling Face

But Joy he brought, each and every day

Angel Face

Growing through the years.

Reminding us how to love.

Handsome Young Man

Happy 13th Birthday, My Son!

Finding the Balance

2012-01-26T09:57:00.000-05:00

This weeks theme over at Theme Thursday is Balance. It got me to thinking about how I "balance" my friendships. I have wonderful friends, lots of them! But there are times when I wonder if there are some friends that I use when life is hard and others that are only for the good times.

My definition of friendship is being there through thick and thin, good times and bad. I will admit that I have good friends and then I also have true friends. The difference you ask.... (IMO) A good friend will be there for you to call for bail money. A true friend will be there in the jail cell saying, "lets do that again!" I can happily say that I think I would have trouble finding someone to call for the bail money cause everyone would be in the cell with me!

I know that dealing with Jakes and making the decision about where he would live was a very bad time for me and I love that my friends rallied around and supported me through all. I know that I was a very Negative Nelly and couldn't have been much fun to listen to.

Now that Jakes is happier and life is looking better, I WILL remember to share my happy days as well as be there for my friends through their good and bad times. I want to find that balance between needy negative nelly and a true friend.

PINNED! -WW

2012-01-25T10:05:00.000-05:00

At the end of the count, the Monkey defeated Jaxon

My Momma

2012-01-24T07:52:00.000-05:00

For the past couple of days, I've been pondering ways to honor my Momma. See, she died 13 years ago today. Last year, I wrote her a letter telling her about my year, the year before that I shared the story of her death and Jakes birth. I though about typing in the eulogy that was given at the funeral. But that just seems sad. I read through it today and cried. That's enough sadness.

Momma

I think its time to just share the good things about Momma. Its time to stop being sad over her passing and rejoice in her life. She knows how much I still miss her every day, she knows how much I love her and cherish the memories that I have of her. So let me share some with you..........

Momma wasn't a morning person. But she got up with us each and every school day. She made sure we had breakfast, made our lunches and then sat at the dining room table to watch us get on the bus. I think most mornings, she went back to bed once we were gone, but she was there went it mattered.

Christmas mornings found Brother and I in the hallway, blocked by a baby gate, waiting for a decent hour to wake the parents up. At 6:00 am, we'd start yelling and jumping up and down to get them up. Eventually, Mom and Dad would come downstairs to let us tear open the presents. After the mess was cleaned up, Mom would head to the kitchen to start making the cinnamon buns and coffee for the relatives who would be stopping by later. Brother and I would be playing with our new toys. I loved the smell of coffee percolating.

I remember Brother and I fighting or causing trouble and Mom yelling "JAMIE!" Brother and I would stop and wait for Mom to decide which of us was in trouble...... Brother = Jimmy, me = Amy Jimmy+Amy= JAMIE when Mom was angry. It was usually ME in trouble for something or other.

Mom was a wonderful seamstress. She made so many of my clothes. If we were in a shop and I saw something I liked., Mom would whip out her sketch pad. A week or so later, I'd have the same garment! Every 6 months or so (especially before Christmas), Mom would make us kids stand in her sewing room and get our measurements taken. Without them, she couldn't make new stuff for us.

Halloween 1985
All made by Momma

OH! And from November 1st through Christmas, you'd better NOT be in her sewing room without her permission! You never know what she's got on the table for you or someone else.

Mom loved Broadway musicals, she's the one that got me hooked. One day I came home from school to find her listening to her CD player. She handed me the headset and said "You HAVE to listen!" The CD started out low, with someone talking - no singing yet. I'm listening intently when all of a sudden, the music starts up LOUD! I tossed the headset off while Mom sat there laughing at me. She knew it was going to get loud.

Jenni
She hangs in my hallway
Momma cross-stitched her

I remember taking the train to NYC with Mom and my Aunt. Once in the City, we grabbed a cab to take us to Broadway. I remember hanging on for Dear Life and praying for all I was worth on that short cab ride! Once we arrived at the theatre, Mom, Aunt and I piled out of the cab as quickly as humanly possible. We hugged each other, laughing to make sure we really did survive. I think we had a greater appreciation for the show we went to see because of that cab ride. I also remember walking back to the train station.......

The Patch Family
Momma made so many to share
I still have Momma's two favorite

Mom had a predictable menu throughout the week. Wednesday was Spaghetti night. She would spend all day making sauce, usually with tomatoes canned from her garden. It was Dad's favorite meal. There were usually homemade chocolate chip cookies waiting for us after school.

I remember so many summer afternoons standing in the kitchen, slicing tomatoes to cold pack them or working the food mill for tomato sauce. Then in the fall, we'd make applesauce. There was also the time spent blanching the green veggies for freezing. And soaking the broccoli to make sure there was no worms!

One evening in the garden, she was pulling weeds or something and it was my turn to get the potato bugs off the potatoes and tomatoes. She had an old peanut butter jar for scrapping them off the leaves. All the dead bugs just stayed in there, with no air, in the sunshine, cooking away. gross.

The Family
Momma made everything we are wearing, even Dad's tie
(except Brothers outfit)

Another year, we borrowed the neighbors field to plant extra corn. It was a particularly dry year and we spent lots of time running soaker hoses out to the field, between the rows of corn stalks. Mom would be running down one row, I'd be in the next one, dragging the hose behind us. By the time we got to the other end, I was itching and broke out in hives wherever the corn stalks had touched me. That was the first time I'd broken out over the corn but there was no panic in Mom. Just sent me to the house for a benadryl.

As I became a teen, I'd spend tons of time with my BFF, Kimber. My parents knew her parents and communicated frequently to make sure we were behaving when we were together.

Mom and I butted heads on plenty of occasions. I thought I was more grown than I actually was. Typical teen. But once I moved out and truly "grew up", Momma was my best friend. We talked daily, shared almost everything. I had a wonderful childhood (not that I always thought so then) and Mom did a wonderful job of raising Brother and I. I always thought Mom loved Brother best and he thought the same of me.

Momma and Me
1995

I do know that no matter how annoying, mouthy, obnoxious or bad I was, Momma always loved me.

Monday, Monday

2012-01-23T09:55:00.001-05:00

Its a rainy Monday and I'm a happy camper! The rain will wash away the snow and ice and the temperatures will be warmer than they were over the weekend. I really do not like this kind of a winter!

After Venting about my start with Jakes, things got better between us. I had yelled at him and threatened to take him back to his fathers if he didn't change how he was treating the people at the Compound. When I got out of the shower, he was a different kid. He apologized to me and he worked really hard to change his attitude toward me. On Sunday, when it was time for him to get ready to leave, he said he didn't want to go back to his Dad's. He said it was because he didn't want to go to school on Tuesday but I think there is more going on over there then he's telling me. The complete story will come out eventually, in dribs and drabs.

I am looking forward to singing tomorrow; I really missed singing last semester. We have some really NEAT songs to learn; the spring concert is going to be such FUN! doom-a-loom-a, doom-a-loom-a, doom-a-loom-a, doom-a-loom-a, doom-a-loom-a.

Jakes is turning 13 on Friday. Everyone gets to choose where we go to dinner for their birthday, even if they want to eat at home. Jakes let me know where he wants to go and who to invite. Last night when he got home, he asked if he could invite a GIRL to dinner with us! Um.... sure.... my baby is growing up! A GIRL! sigh..... I don't think I'm ready for this......

**I know the girl and her grandmother lives at The Compound**

The Blogging Mama Andrea put me onto a new book, Every Day a Friday, by Joel Osteen. I read the first chapter and it really hit home for me. I can't wait for it to be available at my local library (there's a waiting list) so I can finish reading it! I don't know how I'm going to feel about the religious part of the book but I'm sure there are loads of ways I can apply what he's saying to my life, with or without the religious aspect. Maybe I can even get Neicy to read it........

Dad and Renie bought a camper, henceforth named The Thing! Its SO Nice too. They are planning lots of weekend trips for all of us. Should be interesting and fun!

Time to get this Monday, Monday rolling. Have a good one!

Venting

2012-01-21T09:59:00.000-05:00

Because I missed my visit with Jakes last weekend, he called to ask if he could come this weekend. I think his father was sick of him and wanted a break. Doesn't matter. I'll take Jakes. Or so I thought.......

I picked him up Friday evening and we met the gparents for dinner. At dinner, Jakes was bouncing in his chair, so excited to be home with us and LOUD. When any of us would ask him to turn down the volume, he'd argue that he wasn't being loud. Sigh....... We finished dinner, came home, snuggled up to watch TV, then went to bed.

Saturday morning, Jakes wakes me up at 7 AM. DUDE! Its the WEEKEND! There's no reason to get up so early. Be QUIET! He's in the living room making meowing noises at one of the kitties. Then he announces that he's going to go outside to start digging the compound out from the snow that fell last night. DUDE! Its too early and you'll wake everyone up. Wait a while. He argued with me that he wants to get it done quickly. STOP arguing with me, please. We'll go out later when people are awake at least.

Later comes and we get bundled up to go out and shovel. Its more rain than snow or ice at this time. We clean off the sidewalks, cars and steps. By then, I'm soaked to the skin, cold and hungry. I told Jakes I was going inside and he needed to come in as well. He argued with me. "I'm not wet or cold"

I flipped out on him and stood in the driveway, yelling at him for his attitude and mouth. He argued that he doesn't have a mouth. I yelled some more and went inside. He followed. I was still spewing words at him.

I walked away and got in the shower. When I got out, I was pleasant to him, like it didn't happen. He apologized for being mean and arguing with me. That was nice. I am hopeful that he'll remember how to talk to me and stop arguing for the rest of the weekend. If not, buh-bye! You can go home to your dad.

Example of an argument with Jakes:

We're cleaning off a car, I ask him to stop banging on the car. I can HEAR him banging.

Me: Stop banging on the car please.

J: I'm not doing anything.

M: You're not banging on the car?

J: I'm cleaning off the car.
M: You're banging on the car and going to leave marks with the scrapper.

J: I'm not doing anything.

M: STOP arguing with me.

J: I'm not arguing with you.

Imagine that we're both getting attitude and voices escalating with each round. I finally walked away. Every conversation with Jakes is like that. He's just so frustrating to talk to! Deep breathe and walk away........

Suggestions

2012-01-19T15:58:00.000-05:00

My visitation schedule with Jakes is varied. He visits me almost every weekend but there is one weekend per month that I don't have him. I guess I have to share weekends with his dad once in a while. On the weekend that I don't have Jakes, I am allowed time on Friday to have dinner with him.

Jakes lives about 45 minutes from me, in another state, over a bridge with a toll. On these Fridays, there isn't time to get him, bring him back to my house, and take him back to his house. Plus, the gas and tolls would totally kill the budget. So while I would love to see him on these Friday's, there have been several where I've opted not to go and see him. And this doesn't make Jakes very happy at all.

With paying child support, my budget is SO tight. There have been weeks when I just don't have gas in the car or money to take him out to dinner. When I say my budget is tight, I mean its like I'm slowly being strangled by a python snake. I am slowly getting a handle on it but there is still more going out than coming in. Hence, the second job! More info on that in February.

In the winter its just too cold and its dark by the time I get to his house. When it gets warmer, I have plans of taking food with me and taking Jakes to a park that is nearby.

I've thought about going to the mall that's fairly close, but Jakes isn't into wandering and window shopping. There would be the inevitable begging for something (LEGO's), me having to say NO, and him having a hissy fit (EMBARASSMENT). I've thought about going to the movies but that's SO expensive these days too. Even even with matinee pricing, which my visit hours are after.

So, I'm turning to you, my wonderful followers to give me some suggestions for things to do with my son, that includes cheap food and a little entertainment in the winter evenings. Keep in mind, I don't have a home-like place to take him, we'd have to be able to do things in the car or at restaurant. HELP ME!!!

Saylors - WW

2012-01-17T17:40:00.000-05:00

Saylors (my only girl) loves small spaces to sleep in.

Fabulous Friday

2012-01-13T09:40:00.001-05:00

Its a Fabulous Friday before a 3 day weekend! I get Jakes for Friday through Sunday and I've asked his dad if I can keep him until Monday evening since he's off school. I'll probably regret it, considering Jakes was being bratty to me via text last night.

JF lives to annoy me. On TUESDAY, I sent an email asking if I can keep Jakes on the following Monday. JF read the email on Tuesday afternoon, yet he still hasn't bothered to let me know if I can keep Jakes on Monday. Jakes said JF has talked to him about the schedule but of course, Jakes isn't supposed to get in the middle of things. Why is it so hard to email me back to let me know what the schedule is? I mean, you're right there reading the email, how hard is it to click "reply" and let me know what's going on? JF does this all the time. I think its because he doesn't want to email, he wants to text to me. I want emails because if I have to go to court, I can use the emails as proof. I can't easily get the text messages printed.

Or its just another way JF has to try and control me. A$$hole.

Well, the cold that took my voice last weekend is still here in full force. Only now its in my head. I cannot breathe but I have snot dripping. That is so gross. And all the people I've talked to who have this cold say it hangs on and hangs on and hangs on. HELP! I need spring!

I was chatting with AZ yesterday and he said it was lovely weather out there. He had his patio door open and was enjoying the warm. I'm so jealous! We had a cold front move through yesterday and this morning we had a temp of 17. Freaking COLD.

He's moving slowly on wrapping things up out there to move back here. He wants to try and wait out the cold weather here before he comes back. I don't blame him! I'm thinking the snow-birds have the right idea; head south for the winter. Someday......

Dad and ESM are looking for a motor home. Dad is retired, ESM is almost ready to retire, she only has a few more years to ensure health benefits. So they are looking for a motor home so they can tool around the country when they are both retired. Good for them! Of course, that would leave me in charge of Kathy. hmmmmm......... Maybe its time to get a life of my own............ I have a couple of years to do that!

I've cut back on my depression meds and don't seem to be experiencing too much in the way of side effects. Life is still good. I'm still happy. I have been wishing I could spend more time in bed, avoiding life but I've also had this miserable cold. When I'm sick, all I want is to curl up in bed and sleep.

This weekend with Jakes will be a good trial to see if I can be around him without depression meds. One of my co-workers suggested that I might need something to take just when he's with me; something with quick relief and short acting. I hope not but its definitely something I will consider if necessary. Jakes has been my biggest stressor and depressor. I'm hoping that we can continue to be in a good place together that I won't need the meds at all. Fingers crossed!

My computer at work is slowly falling failing. I've been having trouble with the 'f' and 'u' keys. IT thinks my hard drive is going bad. They want to swap out my laptop for a different one. sigh. That means I have to take all my personalization stuff off this laptop and then put it back on the other laptop. Fun stuff! But it means I will have a laptop that will actually work and not sit and spin, doing nothing. It is an old laptop, over 6 years old and its got a lot of hours on it.

OOOOO! Choir practice starts on Tuesday! I can't wait! Of course with the cold, I don't know how much singing I'll be able to do but I'll be there to start learning the songs! Such FUN!

In February I will be starting a new part-time job. Its going to be exciting and fun! More info to come........

Have a wonderful weekend and stay WARM!

The Caretakers Cottage - Theme Thursday

2012-01-12T10:08:00.000-05:00

Everytime I drive past this cottage, I wonder what its history is, wishing it could talk to me

It was a cottage that had seen better days. The roof was patched yet still open to the weather in places. The windows were missing, leaving open, empty eyes offering a view into the cottage. The inside of the cottage was dusty and dirty, bare of any evidence of human existence.

Jesse walked up to the door, which wasn’t latched, and pushed it open. The sun shone in, reflecting off the dust motes in the air. There was a wooden table with two chairs around it. Under the window was a bed, no blankets or a pillow, just the frame with a dirty mattress on top.

Jesse glanced to her left, where the kitchen would have been. There were cabinets, a sink and a big cook-in fireplace. In the box next to the fireplace was wood, stacked and ready to get a fire started. One cabinet door was hanging from its hinges and in the cabinet, Jesse could see a rusted can of something.

Jesse wandered over to the window to see what the view offered. She was looking over a field of headstones in the cemetery. Many of the stones were covered in flowers, some with flags that marked the veterans, lots were so old their names had been rubbed off over the years, and then there were the new ones, the ones that were memorials to the recently deceased.

As Jesse looked past the cemetery, she saw the highway flowing by. That certainly wasn’t there when the caretakers cottage was inhabited, Jesse thought. She could imagine the changes that had happened over the years to the caretakers cottage.

In her mind, Jesse saw the caretaker standing outside his new cottage, admiring the roof and the solid door. The inside of was clean and new, the windows covered with cheerful curtains and flowers in a vase on the table. Another scene she imagined was the caretaker and his wife planting a tree together in front of the cottage. Jesse imagined the caretaker and his wife comforting a devastated husband as he made arrangements for his wife to be interred for eternity.

The caretaker and his wife worked together to maintain the graveyard, trimming the grass around the headstones, removing old flowers, and fixing any headstones over the years. On All Hallows Eve, the caretaker would chase the mischievous neighborhood kids out before they could cause trouble.

Eventually, it was time for the caretaker’s wife to be interred in the cemetery. He was the devastated husband who needed comforting. He would start each day wishing her a good morning, as her grave was close to the cottage where they’d shared many happy years.

It was harder for the caretaker to take care of the cemetery and his cottage. It wasn’t long before he joined his beloved wife in the cemetery. They were able to keep an eye on their cottage together.

There was no new caretaker for the cottage, the care of the cemetery was contracted out to a lawn company. The cottage was left empty, just a memory of times past.

Jesse took one final glance around and headed out of the cottage. She closed the door and viewed the outside once more. There had to be so many memories in the walls of the caretakers cottage, memories that couldn't be shared anymore.

Tunnel - WW

2012-01-10T19:33:00.000-05:00

ESM took this somewhere in Western PA
pretty cool

Newspaper Headlines in a Small Town

2012-01-10T19:00:00.000-05:00

Newspaper Headline:

Annual Miskrat Dinner Planned by Fire Co.

Yes, that says MUSKRAT. Get you're tickets NOW.

This is a Muskrat

The menu includes fried muskrat, pepper cabbage, potato salad, string beans, homemade cake, rolls and butter and coffee. The muskrats will be fresh caught in the local meadows by the same families that have trapped the meadows for generations. They are planning three seatings and it will be a sold out event.

Small town living at its best.

Results of The Meeting

2012-01-09T07:58:00.000-05:00

I went to the first Child Study Team meeting at Jakes new school. It went well, even though I was a little apprehensive for going to the first meeting with JF. BUT he didn't SHOW! Father of the Year Award for him!

After the introductions were made, we got down to business. There were good things said about Jakes and some not so good things, of course. But overall, they are pleased with his behaviors, academically and socially.

I was able to share with them the school setting Jakes was coming from and how pleased I am that he transitioned so well into the bigger school. You could see the astonishment on their faces when I told them there were about 11 kids in the class, a teacher and a one on one aid for Jakes. I know they were thinking how heavenly that would be! lol

They are pleased with his work and his attitude (usually). He is still having some (the same) behavioral issues in the classroom but they are working with him. As they learn Jakes and what may set him off, they are able to head things off.

His Language Arts teacher shared that Jakes usually speaks in a monotone voice and doesn't have much expression either. When they were reading the Christmas Carol out loud in class, Jakes really got into the story and did different voices for the different parts that he was reading. Mrs LA said she was so pleased she wanted to jump up and down, clapping her hands. I of course, teared up hearing this too. WAY TO GO JAKES!

My concerns about the calculator were unfounded. The Math teacher said Jakes doesn't use (or need) his calculator even when they are allowed to in class! Again, WAY TO GO JAKES!

They are concerned about his writing. Not his ability, he can construct/deconstruct the sentences and stories as necessary. When he is asked to write about a topic he is very short and to the point. They are going to work on devising writing prompts for him that will help him to become more descriptive in his writing.

Apparently, he failed a math test not because of the calculations but because of having to show his work. There were two parts to the test, one where they filled in the bubbles and the other where they had to figure everything and explain where the answer came from. He passed the bubble-filling part, but did so poorly on the "essay" part, that he failed the assessment overall. Boo.

His social skills teacher shared that overall Jakes is doing very well in her group. While he is not always able to make adjustments in the group, he is able to articulate to her after the group other ways he could have handled the situations. We are hoping that with reinforcement and practice, Jakes will eventually be able to apply those skills in the real world. Its hard for a teenager to apply the skills, let alone a teen with Aspergers. But there is hope! He knows what to do, just has to stop and think about doing it.

We will meet in a month to see the progress and to discuss changing from the IEP to a 504 Plan. While I am scared to loose the IEP and the safety it provides us, I can look at going to a 504 as progress. A 504 plan can be an attestation to the fact that Jakes is improving and is becoming more independent.

Fragmented Friday

2012-01-06T15:52:00.002-05:00

I think I've had too much time off work, if that's possible. I totally forgot that it was Friday! Its Happy dance time! Also, earlier this week, I was positive that the IEP meeting was on Wednesday when it really was on Thursday. DUH.

The IEP meeting went very well. The team was pleased that I chose to come and they loved that I had so much to share. They didn't come right out and say it but I got the impression that they didn't get much from JF at the first meeting. OH! JF didn't even show up! Father of the Year Again! I will share more details on the meeting later. BUT, I am even more convinced that I've done the right thing where Jakes is concerned. I've given him the best chance at succeeding for now.

ESM shared her cold with EVERYONE in the compound, including myself. I spent yesterday other than the meeting under blankets sniffling and snotting. I'm feeling better today, just a little snotty and a little dizzy.

Jakes starts up with riding lessons again tomorrow. Its going to be SO cold! He's excited. Me - not so much!

I don't think I'll be swimming in the ocean this year. I just don't have the money for the sponsorship nor for the gas to travel to the beach where it's held. BUT thanks to my daddy, I almost have my budget balanced! I should be back on track with my budget by March. Fingers crossed!

My plans for the weekend are for Riding lessons and after Jakes leaves, I have a cookbook to work on. My housework is done, so there won't be that. hmmmmm..... Maybe a little creative writing on the side..... if its warm enough, I'll turn Jaxon loose on the beach at low tide again. He loves to chase the geese! One day, he'll get one, if only he'd take the plunge in the friged water.

What are your plans?

Change - A Theme Thursday Post

2012-01-06T09:50:00.000-05:00

On the ride home from the airport this past December, I was noticing things that had changed in my little corner of the world. That set me to wondering if I would have taken the time to notice them had I been around the entire time.

The first thing I noticed was how frail my Daddy looked when he got out of the truck. He was so skinny and even bent over a little bit. He didn't even try to help me put my suitcase in the trunk, which is unusual for this gentleman who still opens car doors for ESM. But on the other hand, I was happy that he wasn't trying to do anything that would stress his already over-stressed heart. I'm very proud that he's finding his limits and is trying to stick to them.

On the ride home, the highway part didn't look to be changed too much. There were new areas of construction and such.

When we got off the highway and into my hometown area, there were so many things that stood out to me. There had been a fire that destroyed a building. It stood empty, blackened, and haunted.

The farmers had been busy with harvesting the soy beans and corn crops. Once the fields were clear, they harrowed and tilled them. The fields had turned from dead and deserted to a rich brown waiting to start the growing process again. You could smell the clean, tilled dirt. That is a smell that I will always associate with spring.

The biggest change I noticed was in Jakes when I picked him up the following weekend. I think he grew 5 inches! He is looking so mature and tall.

We rode through town on the way home and there weren't many changes there. People were starting to put up their Christmas decorations and such. Even though there weren't many changes, my eyes had been opened to the possibility of more changes. Time away from your home does open your eyes and mind to see home as a new place. Its good to get away for vacation but its also very good to come home.

Meeting

2012-01-04T09:54:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is the IEP meeting at Jakes new school. They have done their evaluations and sent me the info on what they are recommending for him. They also have been following the old school's IEP until this meeting.

I am thrilled with the testing results. Jakes is doing very well in the new school. I am a little worried that they want to allow him to use a calculator for math. Ok, so he tested low in addition and subtraction but isn't using the calculator just going to hinder him further? Shouldn't they work with him to improve his skills, not give him a crutch that will make things easier for the teacher?

I am tempted to send an email to JF and let him know what I will want addressed tomorrow. I would like to think JF and I could present a united front where we both have the best interest of the child in mind. But in my past dealing with JF, I'll be labeled as the hysterical mother and he'll be the GOD. Not to mention he thinks because he has residential custody of Jakes, he is in charge and holds all the power. He just has no clue, as usual!

But since I've sat through these meetings many times before, I have confidence that everything will be fine. If I have the chance to make JF look like the ass he is, you know I'll be taking it!

Some Random Thoughts

2012-01-03T08:55:00.000-05:00

Its Back to Work Tuesday. Oh wait! Many of you have already been back to work. Sorry, don't mean to rub it in. This is my first day back to work since before Christmas. Actually, I was ready to come back to work. My house is spic and span clean and since I don't have cable anymore, I'm bored silly! Jaxon on the other hand looked at me like I was crazy for expecting him to get out of bed that early in the morning. He's gotten used to sleeping in! Poor baby, but he can go back to bed when I go to work.

I managed to successfully annoy Jakes via text message last night. Loved it! We'll see if he see the humor in it today. He MIGHT contact me, we'll see!

I have to run to a meeting this morning. Boring! Oh well, its outta the office when there will be crazy clients here.

The "f" key on my keyboard doesn't work unless I really beat it hard. oooooo FUN! But annoying when I've typed half a page without looking and am missing 382 "f's".

I hate my scale. That is all.

My Daddy is AWESOME! He offered to let me put my cell phone on their bill and just pay the difference between what they already pay and the fees I will incur. It should save me about $30 bucks a month. Woo ho! I'm all for saving money!

I can't wait for my employer to give me my W2 so I can file for my refund. I gots bills to pay!

I actually stayed up to see in the New Year! My parents and Kathy were at my place to play Wii bowling and eat munchies. It was a fun evening. Until the ball dropped and I had to tell my parents to get a room. eeeeewwwwwww! not a pretty sight for a kid!

Hi, Ho! Its off to work I go! Have a wonderful day everyone!

She's a Butterfly

2011-12-30T22:14:00.000-05:00

The end of the year is typically when people take a look back at the year just past to reminisce, review old goals, and to make new goals and resolutions for the coming year. That’s just what I spent this evening doing.

I’ve had a busy year, one with ups and downs, I have had my struggles with Jakes and his father, I’ve had worries over my job, my father and money. I have had to learn about a new illness with Jakes, surgery for Jakes, and his schooling. I have struggled with the hardest decision of MY LIFE, what to do about Jakes.

I have had many good things happen in my life this year. I’ve solidified my friendship with AZ, traveled twice to visit with him. We spent time together exploring his corner of the country and we’ll make a cross country trip in the spring to bring him home.

I have spent many wonderful hours visiting with my parents and other members of The Compound, who I am forever grateful to have in my life.

I have wonderful friends who have listened to me whine and cry over my life, friends who I hold close in my heart and would give anything for. I have held friends hands through break-ups, loss of loved ones and marriages.

When I went back to my 2011 New Years post, I found that I didn’t make any specific resolutions. I just wanted to find peace in my home, which I did. I know that I did the right thing for Jakes. He is doing well in school and at his dad’s. He and I are getting along better one on one. I have peace in my home.

For this New Year of 2012, I want to keep this peace in my home while at the same time expanding my horizons. I want to learn more about ME as a person. I know that I am a wonderful mother and daughter. This year will be about finding who I am and being more comfortable with me, myself, and I.

I want to find my wings. I want to see the colors of my wings as I learn to fly. I want to love my life and for everyone to know it. I have the strength to fly and my wings will never touch the ground.

She’s a Butterfly

Martina McBride

She remembers when she first got her wings

And how she opened up that day

she learned to sing

Then the colors came, erased the

black and white

And her whole world changed

when she realized

She's a butterfly, pretty as the crimson sky

Nothing's ever gonna bring her down

And everywhere she goes

Everybody knows she's so glad to be alive

She's a butterfly

Like the purest light in a darkened world

So much hope inside such a lovely girl

You should see her fly, it's almost magical

It makes you want to cry, she's so beautiful

God bless the butterfly,

give her the strength to fly

Never let her wings touch the ground

God bless the butterfly,

give her strength to fly

Never let her wings touch the ground

Christmas Week

2011-12-28T19:41:00.000-05:00

I have a full house this week. Jakes, Jaxon and the three kitties are all home. This morning Jakes and Jaxon were rough housing and there just wasn't enough room in the room for all of us.

I have talked with my Dr about getting off my anti-depression medications. With Jakes out of the house and the stress of dealing with him lower, I think I can handle life without the help of medication. I am the type of person that doesn't want to take any medication if its not necessary. I will take it if I need it. I will wean myself off the meds and if I don't feel like I can handle life, I will go back up on the dosage. But I'd like to try to get off them if possible. There is the chance that I'm not ready yet. I will be smart about this decision and see what happens.

When I told my family that I was going to come off the "happy pills", their first reaction was to make sure I was waiting until after the new year, after Jakes went home after this week. I am glad that I listened to them about waiting a week.

My Boys
Can you stay upset at those faces?

Tonight we went to dinner with our neighbors and I was reminded why Jakes lives with his Dad. I was kicking around the idea of having Jakes come and stay with me for the summer but after tonight, I don't think so. We'll have to see when summer gets closer.

I am enjoying having Jakes here in a way but I have also gotten used to being on my own with just the animals. So having him here is an adjustment for both of us. Friday will be here before we know it!

Christmas Haul

2011-12-26T15:03:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas! I hope your celebrations were as wonderful as mine! Its been a lovely time.

Isn't he cute?

Especially when you open him up to reveal this....
Thank you Janet!

My parents arrived in Armpit, Iowa safely. Daddy sent me an email about an hour after they arrived of ESM holding her newest great grandchild. It didn't take her long to get him in her arms! I haven't heard from them recently so I know that they are enjoying themselves.

I picked Jakes up on Sunday afternoon and he tore into his presents. I bought him a laser that shines red and green swirly dots all over his room that he LOVES. "its the best present ever, mom!" he shouted. I have plans to take him to the movies while he's with me. He'll go back to his dad's on Friday and over the weekend, I'll take down Christmas.

After lunch today, I took Jakes over to Mam and Pop-pop's to visit for Christmas. His father was unhappy with where the family had planned to spend Christmas Eve so Jakes wouldn't get to see his other grandparents. Since I have to work just today, he called and they were thrilled to get to spend time with Jakes.

After today, I am off work for the rest of the year! Woo ho! I don't have firm plans for New Years Eve yet. Still looking around for something cheap to do. Any suggestions?

Apps

2011-12-22T09:20:00.000-05:00

Every year since Jakes was little, we tracked Santa on NORAD.com. It helped to get him to bed early. This year, I downloaded the FREE NORAD app for my phone so I can track him by myself, since Jakes will be with his dad. Jakes will be tracking him from the computer at his dads and hopefully we can text too.

My parents are heading to Armpit, Iowa for Christmas. Its my first Christmas EVER without my Daddy. I'm going to miss them. But I'm also adult enough to know I have to share with the rest of the family. I've had 30+ Christmases with my parents. My step-brother, not so many.

While I was showing my parents the Santa Tracker App, ESM asked if there was an App to track them while they were traveling across the country. Me and Daddy just looked at each other then back at her and brust out laughing. She was SERIOUS, though.

I told her I have the perfect app for tracking them on their trip. When I wanted to know where they were, I'd text Daddy or her and say, "Are you there yet?"

Wrap Me Up - WW

2011-12-21T19:09:00.000-05:00

Kitters is Ready For Christmas

Life Without Jakes

2011-12-20T13:36:00.001-05:00

Yes, its lonely, especially in the evening after work. But I seem to find things to fill my hours. Yes, there have been nights when I have gone straight to bed after work. But there have been lots of nights when I've stayed up until midnight watching movies.

I have spent time with girlfriends for dinner and Rita's. Gone shopping with ESM. AND of course, there was my 2 week vacation to AZ. Life is not perfect, money is tight, but I am happier with my life. I look forward to going home where there is peace finally. I look forward to seeing Jakes when its my time. I get excited when he texts or emails me. I mean, I literally bounce in my chair when I hear the special tone assigned to his texts!

BlueViolet from A Nut in a Nutshell has made several comments on my posts recently about how happy I sound. I am happy! There are still changes and improvements I want to make to my life, but life is a work in progress. You have to have dreams and goals in order to live. And I have both.

I worked hard to make things between Jakes and I better. I did everything within my power but it was not to be. I am accepting that its not a failure on my part as a mother. I am trying to change my way of thinking to be that maybe I wasn't meant to be a full-time mother to a male tween. Jakes has needs that I cannot provide for right now. That doesn't mean I have failed him, because I recognized that he has needs that I cannot provide to him. I have set him free to have his needs fulfilled by his father. I am still a big part of Jakes life and always will be. He is my son, no matter what form of parenting I provide to him.

Damn, I almost sound healthy, don't I? Scary!!!!!! Since Halloween, there has been more laughter than tears in my house. That's the way it should be.

Per our agreement, I get Jakes almost every weekend and so far, they have been good ones. I like spending time with my kid, even if its just sitting watching movies and stuff. This past weekend, we went to dinner and Wal-mart in MD. I met one of his teachers while there. She was very nice and had good things to say about Jakes. On Saturday, we went to riding lessons, cleaned out the storm cellar, and baked cookies. In the evening, we snuggled up and watched movies. Sunday, we sat around watching movies and being silly.

I actually liked hanging out with my kid! Its been a long time since that's happened.

We have hit some bumps in the road, with Jakes wanting to control the visitation and his father allowing it. Jakes and I talked and came up with a plan to work out the visitation. We'll see how it goes.

Jakes says he's happy at his dad's. He's passing all his classes at school and is growing like a WEED! He's talker than me already! YIKES!

I personally, am so much less stressed without Jakes around all the time. Without the arguing and the head-butting, we get along better. He texts me almost every day, even though he said he doesn't want me to text him everyday. But he starts it!

After all the soul searching, counseling, and agonizing, I am realizing that Jakes living with his dad has been a good thing for both of us. I love and LIKE my kid again.

Its Sick! WW

2011-12-14T16:07:00.000-05:00

The Big 'puter is sick. I'm making due with the little 'puter.

Random Thoughts on a Tuesday

2011-12-13T09:04:00.000-05:00

I seem to be doing posts that just list my random/scattered thoughts. I don't seem to be thinking anything profound enough to warrant its own post. hmmmmmm maybe is time to put my thinking cap on and see what I can come up with later this week........

Exciting News: AZ is going to move back to Jersey! Happy Dance! I don't know that he's moving back to be with me, just that he's tired of being alone out there and he has friends and family here. I am excited that we'll be on the same coast and should be able to spend more time together, even as just friends. If nothing else, I see a cross country ride in the spring for me!

AZ has been through the ringer out there. Loss of a wonderful friend and life partner. His health problems. Job problems. He's just very lonely and depressed. He needs to be surrounded by his friends and family and take time to heal.

This past weekend, I did end up with Jakes spending the night with me. Happy Dance! I had to take a friend back to Salisbury, Maryland and asked Jakes if he wanted to ride with us. I figured, I'd have company on the ride home. Win-win, for me! I stopped over his house Saturday night to pick him up and he spent the night! It was a good visit. Lots of hugs and kisses from him and Jaxon went WILD over Jakes being home!

We got lost on the way down and a ride that should have taken 2 hours, was then 3 1/2. I had planned this trip with enough time that I could be home to get ready for the Christmas Concert in the afternoon. With getting lost and then sitting in traffic around the mall, I completely missed the concert on Sunday.

Jakes and I did have a chat about his visits with me. I told him that for now, I'd like him to consider his full weekends with me to be mandatory. I know that in time, he will have friends to be with and places better than mom to go so I want as much time with him NOW as I can get. I told him that we could work out and change up the other weekends as necessary. I also told him that changes to visits would be made through his father but that Jakes could have a say in whether he comes to see me or not. I have realized that he is getting older and should be able to have a say in his schedule within reason. I told him that I want to see him as much as I possibly can but I'm trying to accept that he is growing up. Jakes seemed ok with all this. Progress!

I've made plans to meet friends for Rita's afterwork today! I haven't chatted with them since before vacation. Its going to be a good day!

Scattered Stuff

2011-12-09T10:38:00.000-05:00

Its Friday! Woo ho! I'd be doing a happy dance but I pulled a muscle in my hip/thigh area yesterday getting the Christmas decorations out. Maybe I'm not supposed to have Christmas at my house this year???

Still haven't heard from Jakes. I sent him two messages yesterday and he never responded. So I think he's still upset with me. I'll send him another one this afternoon when he's out of school to see if he wants to come see me and everyone else this weekend. I'm not holding my breath though.... Teenagers!

My Choir is singing their holiday concert this weekend. With everything going on with Jakes and my vacation to AZ, I dropped out of singing with them this time. I have missed singing and the friendships I had there. I will be at the concerts, I will be collecting the ticket money. So I will still be there to support my choir! I know its going to be a lovely concert!

What kind of present do you get for a wonderful woman who has everything she wants or can get whatever she wants? I'm at a loss as to what to get Ms. Kathy for Christmas. She and I will be at the Compound my ourselves this year so I really should try to get her something good. She loves ice cream and chocolate. This summer she bought me an ice cream maker so that I could keep her supplied with ice cream, which I do. Before I left for vacation, I had to make sure she was stocked!

Lately, I've been messing up at my job. I completely missed a deadline for 3 applications. Fortunately, no one else applied for the funding and they are re-issuing the application. I'm checking everyday to make sure I don't miss it this time! AND yesterday, my boss told me that an application that I submitted before vacation was incomplete and not eligible for funding. WTH? I looked through my copy and everything seems to be there. I have a call into the funder to see if I can just submit what is missing or if we have to apply all over again.

My boss doesn't seem too upset with me. I'm upset with me. I can't believe I'm messing up so badly! Where is my brain?

I'm off to put my brain in order and get some stuff completed. Have a wonderful weekend!

Christmas Spirit

2011-12-08T09:25:00.000-05:00

I am really lacking the Christmas Spirit this year. I don't have the energy to dig out the decorations and the tree. I don't want to shop for presents. I haven't started my Christmas cookies. I just don't want to do it.

My Daddy and ESM will be going to Iowa for Christmas with my step-brother and his family. This will be my first Christmas day without my Daddy EVER. We've always had Christmas breakfast together, at his home before Jakes was born and then at my house. I'm going to miss them this year.

Jakes was supposed to come to stay with me for the week between Christmas and New Years but yesterday he got mad at me and demanded that I give him his way or he wasn't going to come to stay after Christmas. He said he'd come on Christmas day for his presents and then go home. HA!

This is because I want him to stay with me for this weekend and he only wants to see me for dinner on Friday. He's picked out a place for us to have dinner on Friday and that's all he wants. When I told him no, he started making demands and ordering me to do it his way.

I told him that until he can speak nicely to me, I wasn't going to text or see him. We'll see how long it takes him to text me. I just want to run away.

I thought that with Jakes living away from me, we'd have a better relationship. Apparently, he still thinks he calls the shots with me. I don't know what to do. Do I stick to my guns and wait for him to contact me and risk loosing him completely? Or do I give in to his demands just to keep him in my life? Either way its a fight that I don't know if I can win. His father is backing him all the way, feeding him with things to say, poisoning him against me. I just want to run away.

Is AZ calling? lol

Charma

2011-12-07T15:59:00.000-05:00

There is a saying that you will get back times 3 what you put out in the world. And Carma's a b*tch.

In my dealing with JF (AH) I have always tried to be fair, honest and most importantly law abiding. He on the other hand has done everything sneaky and underhanded and bold faced lying to try and get his way. Whenever we've been in court, he lies through his teeth and the judge grants most of my requests. The ones not granted are ones that I've thrown in there just to have something of mine denied.

I've always said that he'd get his come-upence one of these days. His come-upence for all the lies and deceit and just plain stupidity.

Well, Carma made an appearance to him this week! And I've spent the afternoon giggling over it! And its going to hit him where it hurts, the wallet! Giggle! Giggle!

I probably shouldn't get so much enjoyment out of this but I can't help it. After all the aggravation JF's given me over the years, he deserves a taste of his own medicine!

The Humdrum

2011-12-06T12:02:00.000-05:00

Well, its back to the humdrum of life. I've had several vacations in the past couple of weeks and enjoyed every minute! My trip to AZ for Thanksgiving was very nice and relaxing. It was great to spend time with AZ.

We saw a couple of movies, cooked Thanksgiving Dinner together, watched movies at home and did some shopping for him. It was so nice to feel like a part of a "couple". Everyone, from wait-staff to cashiers thought we were a couple and its something I've missed. I really enjoyed that feeling. Having someone open doors for me, rest their hand on the small of my back to guide me, a shoulder to lean on in the movies, someone to snuggle with on the couch while watching TV. Someone to fight over the check at the end of the meal, to open the wine and keep my glass filled.

The trip to OCMD with my girls was really wonderful and refreshing in a different way from my trip to AZ. We have a special bond that doesn't fade over the year that we are not together. I am hopeful that we'll be able to continue to make the journey there for many more years to come.

The humdrum life kicked in first thing yesterday with notice of a grant annoucement that was released last Monday, while I was on vacation. Its due 12/6 at 2:00 pm. YIKES! I got to typing and emailed the people I needed other information from to complete the application. I was able to get most of it compiled by lunchtime. I don't think I will be taking extended vacations in October, November or early December in the future. Its just not worth the interruptions on vacation or the headache of coming back to a quick deadline.

I have no food in the house. Of course, who would leave a full refrigerator for two weeks? So I have to go shopping for food and other stuff.

Jaxon is thrilled to have me home again. He was such a spoiled little thing upstairs with the G-parents but Momma is still the best!

I can't wait for the weekend when I get Jakes and we can see about getting the Christmas decorations out and up. I also have the choir Christmas Concert to attend on Saturday and Sunday. I am hoping to make Christmas cookies with Jakes this weekend as well. We'll have to prioritze what gets done first.

Laundry and housecleaning are also on the list. How can the house get dirty while you're away? I came home and had to mop and vacuum the floors. Dusting and scrubbing the bathroom are also high up on the list. I have cookbooks to make for Christmas presents. So my evenings will be filled with lots of good projects, in addition to tossing the ball down the hallway for Jaxon.

Bring on the HumDrum!

Spirit Renewal

2011-12-05T09:04:00.000-05:00

Everyone has their own way of renewing their spirits. Some do it every week with a visit to their church and the spirituality there. My way? Well, I have several. I try to meditate when things are stressful. I curl up with a good book. I SING! I have a girls night with Neicy or Kimber.

My Favorite way to renew my spirit is to get together with my Girls at the beach for the first weekend in December every year. We go to Ocean City, MD for the weekend. There is shopping, laughter, sharing and caring, and good food! I have been going for this weekend for about 18 years, Mom and I started going together. This year, 7 of us made the trip to be together. ESM, Kathy, Sherry, Bonnie, Judy, Dolores and myself.

All of us didn't hang together the entire weekend. That's the good thing about the weekend, we can hang together or not. We come together in the evening and gossip and catch up on our lives since the past year. I had a LOT to share. And they were all supportive of my decisions as well.

Sunday morning came and we had to part for another year. We've made plans to get together on Martin Luther King Day for lunch at Wegmans and then high tea at Judy's house.

How do you renew your spirit? Do you have a special group of friends to gather with as I do?

Tears and happiness

2011-12-02T22:04:00.001-05:00

Why does leaving have to be so hard? Why am I so conflicted about leaving? I need a tissue. Or several!

I let down my walls this week. Walls that I've had up for a very long time. I know he struggled to keep his walls up too. I hope he was more successful so he's not feeling as crappy as I do right now.

See we have a history. One that goes WAY back. I'm not going to say how far because I'm not that old, really. I broke his heart so long ago (I'm a b*tch) and it's taken us many years to come back together.

Are we destined to have a second chance at happiness? It doesn't look like it right now. Families, careers, illness and distance are keeping us apart at this time. Neither of us is able or willing to make the huge sacrifice to be together. We are both putting others and careers ahead of a chance at happiness together.

When I left, it seemed the right decision. But now with the ache in my chest and the tears falling I have to wonder if its the wrong decision.

The End Is Near

2011-11-30T19:31:00.002-05:00

The end is near. Boarding passes are printed. Luggage is paid for. Have to do some laundry and pack this afternoon. In a way I'm sorry to leave but I also can't wait to get home. I'm missing my parents & everyone at home. I'm missing jaxon and the kitties.

And I'm looking forward to my trip to the beach with my girlfriends. Always a good time!!

AZ's couch has been lonely while I've been here. He's out here all alone and is having some health problems so his couch is his friend. We've gone shopping for his new dryer, we've cooked dinner and saw a couple of movies. He's done a couple of projects around his house and his mom wants me to stay another couple of weeks. As if I could!! Lol

Last night we stopped at Lucille's BBQ joint. It was SO yummy! I had BBQ tri tips that were so tender I could cut it with my fork. Melt in your mouth yumminess!

I've made arrangements with JF for Jakes to spend Christmas week with me. We agreed on a schedule and then left it up to Jakes. He said he wants to spend the week with me!!!! Yay!!!!!

My parents are going out of town for christmas this year. They are going to my brothers house in Iowa. I've never had a Christmas without my daddy. It's also going to be the first Christmas that my child hasn't woke up at home. I don't know how this is going to feel. Lonely, I'm sure. But we'll work something out. Ms. Kathy will be around for company as will the other members of the compound. It'll be good. A new tradition.

Ok time to get moving. Regularly scheduled programming will be back next week!

Sunday Check in - Paradise Not Found

2011-11-27T16:25:00.001-05:00

WOW! Has it really been a week since I checked in here? Oh my! But I've been having fun and relaxing. The flights were on time and PACKED. AZ was released from ER just in time for me to land and be picked up. Phew.

I'm sending you greetings from sunny Phoenix, Arizona. I'm loving the weather, being in shorts and t-shirts. I've taken lots of walks in the sunshine. Today I realized that my lungs are missing something......... humidity! There is no humidity here and I come from swampland Jersey where the humidity never goes below 95%. I'm part amphibian, I think.

We've been enjoying our time together, with only one trip to ER which did not result in an admission. Double Phew. We went to see Breaking Dawn and both of us loved it. Can't wait for the next one to come out.

The next couple of movies we want to see while I'm here is Edgar and Muppets. I can't WAIT to see the Muppets. I love Animal and Sweetums. So lovable!

We cooked Thanksgiving Dinner at home just for us and between us, we make REALLY good cooks! Still munching on leftovers.

I think Jakes is missing me. Before I left, he told me in a Tween way to stop texting him everyday. Well, guess who's been texting me EVERYDAY! YUP! The attitude Tween! But of course he won't admit to missing me. Oh well, I'll take what I can get. ;)

Dad and ESM have been sending pictures of Jaxon conked out on the couch. Apparently, they have been running his little butt ragged with new toys. Probably to keep him from gaining weight from all the treats they've been giving him. They also have reported break-out from the house. Shadow is lonely and everytime someone goes into my house, he runs out. Of course, they are catching him right away cause he's looking for some lovin'.

So, all is good from Sunny AZ. But while I've enjoyed myself here, its not my paradise found. There are lots of reasons, good ones for being here but plenty of others for not staying. Maybe to be disclosed one day here but most likely just in my diary.

We've almost got laundry done and will be heading out to see what kind of trouble we can get into! Happy Sunday!

Sunday Check In

2011-11-20T15:02:00.000-05:00

This time tomorrow I will be on my way to the airport and shortly after that, winging my way across the country to AZ. My lengthy check list is dwindling. I still have stuff to pack, mostly stuff I'll be using tomorrow morning. I still have the cookbook to put together but ESM and I didn't have the right size binders. Oh well, we'll get it done!

I still have to get Jaxon's stuff together and take it upstairs to Dad and ESM's house. I think Jaxon knows I'm leaving, he's seen the suitcase and hasn't let me out of his sight today. Poor baby!

I finished my craft project for my presents for the girls when I'm in OCMD after AZ. Yikes, can I use any more prepositions? After the weekend, I'll share it with you. They came out very nice if I do say so myself!

Jakes and I have had a good weekend. He helped me with the craft project and the cookbook. We also chatted about his living with his father. He likes it over there and he thinks it was a good thing for both of us. He isn't mad at me and likes that we can get along better on the weekends. That makes me SO happy! OH! And he's worried about his grades! That's something that didn't happen here lately. SO HAPPY!

Well, its time to finish the dishes, clean out the fridge and the litter box.

Frazzled Friday

2011-11-18T10:12:00.000-05:00

Can I get any busier? Probably not. At work, I was killing myself to get an application completed when a contract renewal comes in and is due while I'm on vacation. Since its a RENEWAL, that's almost guaranteed monies so I had to stop killing myself on the grant and kill myself on the renewal. My poor fingers! I had gone to headquarters to get all the signatures I would need for all the applications I'm submitting before I go but now I need signatures on the renewal. And I cannot get them until MONDAY. Guess who's working a half day Monday. At least the plane doesn't leave until 5:00 pm.

I can do this! And impress my boss with my dedication at the same time.

I've started packing but I don't know WHAT to pack. Do I pack shorts and t-shirts, pants and sweatshirts? AZ says its cold there. But his idea of cold and mine are completely different right now. Guess I'll have to pack a little of everything, just in case.

One night this week, I sent Jaxon upstairs with the G-parents for a little while. ESM came home and Jaxon attacked her with love. He hugged her and kissed her and loved her all over! She was thrilled. I know Jaxon will be well loved while I'm gone.

Jakes texted me yesterday to find out what we're doing for dinner tonight when I get him. He loves to eat out at a pizza place on the way home. I was teasing him that we were going to eat at home. He didn't like that idea.

I have a busy weekend planned with him. We have riding lessons, Jaxon needs his nails clipped, I have to finish a cookbook for ESM, make ice cream for Ms. Kathy before I leave, and make presents for my girls weekend in OCMD when I get back. OH! And our Autism Center is having their annual bazaar so we have to check that out too. I have plans of having Jakes help with the cookbook and the presents. Should be some good bonding time for us. Especially since I'll be leaving him for two weeks!

That's my only regret for going to AZ for so long; I'll miss my time with Jakes. I need to find a way to bridge the gap between AZ and here. Have to talk to AZ about it while I'm there. :)

I know I haven't had time to read blogs recently, I'm hoping to catch up with you guys sometime! I miss you! While I'm in AZ, I don't know how much time I will be spending at a computer. Probably not much! I will be back though! Love ya's!

They're ALL Mine - WW

2011-11-16T09:11:00.000-05:00

Shadow loves to collect Jaxon's toys and tease him!

Check out other Wordless Wednesday Posts.

Its Tuesday

2011-11-15T09:50:00.000-05:00

Oh yay! Its Tuesday! 6 Days until vacation, 3 days until my weekend with Jakes. And 2 days to get these applications for work completed. YIKES!

Dad went to the heart Drs last week and got a satisfactory report. The Dr is ok with how he's been feeling, how the BP has been and all that good stuff. As Dad says, "He said I have a heart." Cute Daddy! But I know where I get my sense of humor.

When Mom was sick, she worried that her cancer was hereditary and us kids would get it. On my Dad's side of the family the women seem to get Alzheimer's. I would tell Mom, "Don't worry about me! I'll get cancer, then Alzheimer's and forget I have Cancer." At first she wasn't amused by my attitude. But you have to have humor when you're dealing with such serious illnesses. Mom eventually came to accept my sense of humor about the illnesses.

In addition to all the applications I am typing for work, my ESM has me working on a cookbook for a club for which she is president. I typed all the recipes over the summer and she finished reviewing and making corrections. Her meeting with the club to discuss the cookbook is 11/28 when I will be in AZ. So I have to make the corrections for her, get a mock up book read for her before I leave. hummmmmmmm At least its just a mock up and doesn't have to be perfect.

I get back from AZ on 12/1 which is a Thursday. On Friday, I have to be packed up and ready to head to OCMD for my girls weekend! NO JET LAG ALLOWED!

I can't wait to see these wonderful women. Its always a good time had by all. Lots of laughter, fun and love. We always exchange Christmas gifts when we go. This year I am going to attempt to etch glasses. Over the weekend, Neicy and I found Irish Coffee mugs. I have to figure out what I want to etch on them, probably something to represent the ocean and of course the love shared by all of us. I think I'll get Jakes to help me with this project over the weekend.

I think my friend in AZ is getting excited for me to come out there. He's been texting and calling more often. We've made tentative plans to see a couple of movies while I'm there. He's also going to cook Thanksgiving dinner for me. :) I can't wait! Now to keep him out of the hospital while I'm visiting.....

Ok. Time to get back to typing! Happy Tuesday!

Sunday Check In - The Panic Attack

2011-11-13T10:42:00.000-05:00

Have you ever woke up in the middle of the night with a panic attack about something at work? I did just Saturday morning. I realized that this is my last week of work before vacation and I have several applications still outstanding. My part on 3 of them is complete, just have to print, collate and copy. But there are 3 others that I am waiting for information from other people.

Of course, there is one application that hasn't been started and its going to take a lot of typing on my part. Plus my boss still has to look it over and see if its worth doing. I think I will be working some late hours this week. And I am typing at home right now. Or at least I will be in a few minutes......

I wanted so share an amusing story from my visit with Jakes this weekend. I only had him from Friday evening until Saturday afternoon. Jakes seemed to think he father would get him around 3. So we made plans to go bowling with the autism center. JF texted that he'd get Jakes around 2. I asked if I could keep him until 3:30 because of the bowling. JF said no. When I told Jakes he had to leave at 2, Jakes seemed to think it was all my fault! Um, how is it my fault? Your father wants to get you at 2 and I asked to keep you longer. So Jakes was mad at me because he had to leave at 2 and couldn't go bowling.

Love the way he thinks! I just laughed at him being mad at me. Eventually, Jakes did realize that it wasn't my fault and he apologized. Lots of hugs and kisses before he went home.

Ok. Time to get typing so I can go on vacation in 8 days!!!!

Thursday Thoughts

2011-11-10T12:59:00.000-05:00

Its been about two weeks since Jakes moved to his dad's. The first week was kinda hard for me to adjust to. I was lonely after work, no one to argue with or nag to get things done or to hide from.

In the middle of the week, he got his phone and would text me throughout the days. Such a little thing made me so happy! I didn't miss him as much.

Then the weekend came and it was my time with him. While we still argued a little and his still has a mouth on him, it was an enjoyable time. I WANTED to spend time with him. I WANTED to play video games with him. We were much more relaxed with each other and able to joke around and tease each other. When it was time for me to say goodbye at the end of the weekend, I was ready for him to go but not in a bad way. I was coming to realize that this might just be The Right situation for Jakes and me right now.

This past week has been a busy one for me, with traveling for work and election day in the mix and Jakes started school so he hasn't had as much time for texting. But its ok. I know he loves me and he knows I love him. We both know that I'll be there on Friday to get him again.

Last night I went to dinner with my parents and on the way home, I said how much better I've been feeling. So much less stressed and even happier. EMS said the same thing. She said she noticed that I've been laughing much more. Like at dinner, we were teasing Dad about things and being rowdy in the diner.

Jakes seems to be doing well over at his dad's also. This is his first week of school and he said its ok. He seemed to have a lot of homework to do. It will take some time for things to settle in over at his dad's. I imagine Jakes is on his best behavior and won't argue as much with his dad as he has with me over the years. Once the "Honeymoon" is over, there might be more troubles in their household. I hope not, for Jakes sake.

I did everything I could to make things work between Jakes and myself over the years. I have always believed that a child should be with their mom's, in my way of thinking that was the traditional way of life. I am coming to realize that there are many different families. It all depends on what is best for the child.

I think having Jakes out of my home is best for ME. I can only wait and see if its what is best for him. But as any good mother will do, if this doesn't work for him, I'll fight to make sure we find a situation that WILL work for him. Jakes comes first! But right now, I'm at peace with my decision.

13 Days Until Vacation & Other Silliness

2011-11-08T09:09:00.000-05:00

Why is it that some people have the ability to absolve themselves of any fault or part of a situation? They can take ANY situation, no matter how much or how little involvement they had in it and turn it around to be someone elses fault. How can you do that? How can you live with yourself by doing that?

Its pretty darn frustrating to be on the end that is getting heaped all the blame. I tried to do what I thought was best and still I get the blame for everything in the situation. Some people are just a$$holes I guess. I hate people like that!

I've been a baking fool! I made 3 loaves of bread and rolls, a batch of Cinnabons and a failed attempt at Monkey Bread. All last night and this morning. Its all yummy, except the Monkey Bread. oops. I also have to clean my oven now. UGH. But it made my parents happy!

They host the local political clubs' luncheon on election day. Daddy makes his AWESOME crab soup and I make bread. I decided to add in breakfast since some of the workers would be at the polls starting at 5:30 in the morning. OUCH. I will be sitting at the polls this evening.

{Imagine me dancing while I type this....}

13 days until vacation!!! 13 days until vacation!!! 13 days until vacation!!! I am SO looking forward to heading to AZ again! I think its going to be avery good visit! 13 days until vacation!!! 13 days until vacation!!! 13 days until vacation!!!

I'm typing my fingers to the bones to get my work done so I can go out there. If my applications are not completed, I won't be able to go..... waaaaahhhhhh! I'll get them done! I have plenty of time left. 13 days to be exact!

Ok. Time to start typing my fingers to the bones again! Happy Tuesday!

My Weekend

2011-11-07T09:14:00.000-05:00

Friday around 3, I started bouncing in my chair with excitement that I was getting Jakes in a few hours. He'd been texting me off and on all day as he was excited too. He sent me a text that said "I miss you super much" awwww! How sweet!

At 4:15 he called me to tell me he was out of his seizure medicine and needed me to get him more. I told him to call his father. HA! I loved that! Except that my kid needed his medicine and I wanted to help him get it. So I called him back and told him that if his father gave Jakes the insurance cards, we could refill the Rx over the weekend. Jakes told me that his father said he'd be ok without it until Sunday.

WHAT?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!???!?!?!?!

I didn't scream at Jakes. Or his father. On the way home from getting Jakes, we stopped and I bought out of pocket (no insurance for a BRAND NAME medicine) 4 pills to take us through the weekend. OUCH. But my child had the medicine that he needed in order to insure he didn't have a seizure while in my care.

I have been composing a parenting-fail email in my head all weekend but I haven't sat down to actually DO it because my email will be completely unproductive. I am going to try and compose a nicer version today, just so that I can have a record of the fact that he sent Jakes without his medication and without a plan for getting the medication for the weekend. I might have to start with the bad email, just to get it out of my system, then tone that down. We'll see. But I need to document that Jakes didn't have his medicine.

The weekend was a pretty nice one with Jakes. He still has attitude and mouth towards me but not as much. Of course, there wasn't as much in the way of schedules and things that HAD to be accomplished this weekend. It was mostly about Fun Stuff.

We had riding lessons on Saturday Morning, brrrrrrrrrrrr. He's doing so well with the horses. He seems to be able to take any horse they put him on and communicate and maneuver all over the ring. Jakes seems to be afraid to trot the horses, but if they are walking around the ring, he's exceptional. And that's not just Mom saying that, the teachers are all pleased with his abilities. Last week, he was on a stubborn horse and still was able to get the horse to follow his commands.

In the afternoon, we delivered political flyers around the neighborhood for my parents. Walking around with Jaxon and teasing Jakes, it was a good afternoon.

Sunday, we lazed about in the morning and finished delivering political flyers in the afternoon. The best part of the weekend was that I wanted to be around my son. I wanted to snuggle up and watch a movie. I wanted to play video games with him. I wanted to walk around the neighborhood chatting with him.

And Sunday when it was time for him to leave, I wasn't sad to see him go. I wasn't glad, more resigned that this is the way things have to be right now. This is the way it has to be.

Friday Fragments

2011-11-04T10:43:00.000-04:00

Its going to be a good day! Its going to go quickly and before I know it, I'll be on the road to pick Jakes up for the weekend. He wants me to bring Jaxon with me. I think Jaxon is missing Jacob. Whenever I'm home, Jaxon is right there with me and when I sit down, he's jumping in my lap. Yesterday, I let Jakes talk to Jax on the phone and Jax went NUTS when he heard Jakes voice! I can't WAIT!

That's all I got. So much for fragmented!

Have a great weekend everyone!

Gadgets

2011-11-03T09:02:00.000-04:00

Its been a rough week for me. Starting off the week without my son in the house was not pretty. Then there was the site inspection at work, which we ACED, thanks to my excellent P&P manual! Woo ho!

I had to go to headquarters yesterday to train someone for Accounts Payable. And I had to make my first child support payment. But that hurt only my bank account.

I have loved my cell phone. Last year I upgraded to an iPhone and I LOVE it. I don't go anywhere without it and I cry when the battery dies on it. I know, I know, plug it in.....

I have a new appreciation the texting and the cell phone Gadgets. My Jakes called and texted me yesterday! Its the first I heard from him since he moved on Saturday and I was really missing him. I have been bouncing off the walls and smiling since last night. I couldn't sleep because I was so happy!

Then this morning, I got another text from him telling me to have a good day and that he loved me! Woo ho! Love those Gadgets.

This was written with Theme Thursday in mind. Head over there to check out the other Themers.......

I've Melted or Have I? - Wordless Wednesday

2011-11-02T07:18:00.002-04:00

I've Melted. Or HAVE I???

Tunes from the Crypt

2011-11-01T07:45:00.002-04:00

Friday night was a busy time for us. Jakes and I went to riding lessons, then headed back to our little town for Tunes from the Crypt. A wonderful artist comes to a historic church every year and plays different Spooky tunes for Halloween. After the Tunes, there is a Ghost Tour of the historic district. Some of the stories are really and some are exaggrated.

ESM and I always dress up for this event. Usually she is in charge of taking pictures as she works for the tourism department of the county. This year, she was able to just dress up and enjoy the evening. I took some pictures of the evening........

It was a packed church for the Tunes
There were some "different" people in the audience.

Sock Monkey

Sock Monkey and PinHead

Jakes went as a Moody Teen.

The Move

2011-10-31T10:32:00.000-04:00

Well, the move happened this weekend, even during the nasty rain/snow/sleet storm we had on Saturday. Because of the storm, not all of Jakes stuff could go. His clothes and the important toys and the crabs went with him. He'll have to take the rest of it next weekend.

I cried. Not a lot. And not while Jakes was still here. I told him I loved him and I would miss him. I will see him on Friday for the entire weekend.

After he left, I got Teddy out and crawled into bed for a good cry. Teddy has been with me since before I was born. He's a little worse for wear but I keep him in a bag in my closet for the hard days or nights. He knows all my secrets, holds all my tears and is there when I need a hug.

As I lay in bed crying, I was also thinking of my failure as a mother. You have all been so wonderfully supportive in my decision and in reminding me that I have not failed. Part of me agrees with that but there is another part, my heart, that needs to find a way to make peace with that fact. I am hoping to do that here today.

I had a very hard time accepting that I didn't fail at my marriage. With counseling, I was able to accept that while the marriage failed, it wasn't completely my failure. With Kate's help, I was able to change my thinking about the failure of the marriage. And to realize that the divorce was for the better for myself and Jakes. So, I have to change my thinking about this situation with Jakes.

My vision of the "right" family make-up comes from my own growing up. Two parents in the home, kids, everyone getting along. Most of the kids I grew up with had both parents in the home, no divorces and sharing of the kids.

I had reconciled myself to being a single mom, sort of. I was going to make the best of it anyway. Being without my ex was better for me, the mental abuse was no longer there. Jakes was still seeing his father on weekends and holidays.

These days, the roles of parents are completely different from the "traditional" roles that I grew up seeing. There are step-parents, stay-at-home-moms and increasingly more stay-at-home-dads. More and more fathers are stepping up to be more involved in their children's lives, they see parenting as part of their identity, just as women see being a mother as part of their identities.

When I was growing up, I never imagined that I would have kids of my own. I was never a "kid" person, I babysat my cousins and that was a good reminder of why I didn't want kids of my own. When I decided to get pregnant with Jakes, it was because my mom was dying and I hoped she would get to see her first grandchild. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret my decision to bring Jakes into this world. I love him with all my being and soul.

I am going to change how I think of motherhood. Maybe my current belief that the child always belongs with the mother is outdated and wrong for my child. There is a good possibility that I was not meant to be the traditional mother. The mother that participates as room mother at school and goes on all the field trips. I know I could never be happy as a stay at home mom. Maybe with my temperament and Jakes special needs, I will be a better mother to him when I am not his full time mother.

Its time to think outside the "traditional" box. Its time to embrace my new role in Jakes life and make the best of it. If I can make the best of it, he stands a better chance of success as well.

Hugs

2011-10-29T07:21:00.001-04:00

I have been on my own for over 6 years now. There has never been a steady guy that I've brought home since the divorce. I've done all this on my own, with the support of my wonderful family and friends.

There have been several crisis's where I have wished I had someone, anyone who was there with me to just hold me while I cried. Many times, I have wished for my mommy.

About two weeks ago, I went and signed residential custody of my son over to his father. I didn't take any time off work, I even had to leave the courthouse before everything was completed in order to make a meeting at work. This was a very traumatic day for me. Almost as traumatic as the day of my divorce. I'm very thankful that Neicy was at the divorce and she hugged me tight when everything was done.

The company I work for has about 75 employees in 6 different sites. I work in the one closest to my home, fortunately. We have a clinical director who is a nun. She has been a nun since she was 18. I helped her to plan her 50th Jubilee a couple of years ago. Sister Anne is the most compassionate and loving person you'd ever meet. She is understanding and helpful. I love her to death! I'd do anything for her.

Two weeks ago, when I walked into Headquarters, the first thing Sis said to me is "come here, you need a hug! What's going on?" I immediately lost it. I cried on her shoulder and poured out my heart to her.

It was so nice to have someone there to support me, physically as well as emotionally. Human touch is so important to the mental and emotional health. Human touch is something that is missing in my life somewhat.

I have wonderful parents who live right upstairs from me but we are not hug-y people. Neicy and I are close like sisters, but again, not hug-y people. Maybe its time to change that. No maybe's about it. Its time to change that. With everyone in my life.

Fragmented Friday

2011-10-28T08:11:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning to do the Friday Happy Dance. Woo ho! Its been a long boring week.

It got COLD last night! I actually closed all the windows and turned the heat on. brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr But then, it is almost November.

Speaking of November, I can't WAIT for Thanksgiving. I'm going to AZ for TWO WEEKS at Thanksgiving time! Woo ho! I ordered my plane tickets yesterday. Happiness! He and I are both looking forward to the visit. :)

Jakes is all packed and ready for his move to his fathers. Its supposed to happen on Saturday and the last I looked it's supposed to rain on Saturday. So it might have to wait until Sunday. But he's all packed and ready to go.

I'm ready for him to go as well. We had another knock-down / drag-out fight this week. All over a light bulb. Don't ask. I asked and he hit the ceiling and it went from there. He thinks that because he's leaving for his fathers, that I don't have the right to parent him anymore. Yes, he said that to me. ouch.

But for my own support when he leaves, I have Neicy on standby to come over and coax me from under my desk (my favorite place to hide when I'm feeling badly), I've given myself Sunday to wallow but on Monday I will work toward my new normal. I also have an appointment with my therapist on Monday.

I've been making changes to help my budget. Not only am I loosing the child support that was paid to me for Jakes, but I have to pay his father. That's a BIG chunk of money out of my budget. I've canceled Cable and the Phone. I've canceled the satellite radio and I'm looking through my recipes so I can start cooking at home.

Jakes and I have taken to eating out quite a bit. So eating at home will probably help my waistline! Its all good.

I completed my Halloween Costume this morning. The Compound Peeps are dressing up and going to listen to Tunes from the Crypt at a local church. A fabulous organist plays spookie tunes on the ancient organ in the historic church. ESMand I have always dressed up for the performance. This year, the organist emailed ESM and asked if we were going to do it again this year. Of course! And we're bringing reinforcements!

It promises to be a good weekend around here. Hope you all have wonderful plans as well! See ya Monday!

Let's Talk Cimicidae

2011-10-26T07:23:00.000-04:00

Yes, I want to talk about Cimicidae, or more commonly known as BED BUGS. Shiver……

They live in bedding and other places where people sleep. They like to live there because they like to feed on warm blooded animals. Shiver, again………..

Bed Bug

image taken from Wikipedia

I don’t know if you remember reading the news recently on the troubles Bed Bugs have been causing in various hotels everywhere. They have become a bane to the hotel industry everywhere.

When Neicy and I trekked to TN, we had picked out a couple of hotels near the hospital. As we got nearer the City, we started discussing where to stay and Neicy nixed the Super 8, just because they are “like a Motel 6”. Ok. I won’t argue. I just want to get out of the car and into bed with a glass of wine……

So we headed to the Comfort Inn down the street from the Super 8. Walking into the lobby, all you can smell is incense. Pee-u. But they had availability and offered a hospital discount because that’s why we were in town. We grabbed the room key and our luggage.

While we are sitting on our beds checking in with relative and our emails, she notices a bug. It was HUGE. It was walking on the top of the bedspread. We discussed briefly if we thought it was a bed bug, I looked up a picture and we decided, Nah, its ok.

A few minutes later, she found another one. Then another. Oh gross! Its time to go! I don’t think we’ve ever packed so quickly! We ran over to the office and got our money back. We headed down the street to the Super 8.

The Super 8 was lovely. It smelled clean; the front desk person was wonderful and offered a discounted room. When we got to our room, we immediately pulled the blankets back to see if there were any bugs there. They were clean.

Thank God!

This, of course, became another joke for us to share and giggle at, along with Flipping-A-B*tch, VA. And Neicy won't be thunbing her nose at Super 8 again!

***** I was not reimbursed by anyone for this post. But if Super8 wants to reward me and Neicy with a free stay somewhere, bring it on!*****

Counting Down

2011-10-25T10:19:00.000-04:00

The decision for Jakes to go live with his father has been made, the papers signed and the boxes are being packed. After Days and Days of waffling and worrying that I'm making the right decision, I finally reconciled myself that its for the best.

Now the count down is on. Jakes is moving with his dad this coming weekend. He's started packing and has been listing all this wonderful things he's going to have at his dad's that he doesn't have with me. A TV, a Stereo, and a cell phone of his own. A little bribery? Or just a bunch of stuff that can be taken away for misbehaviors?

Lately, I've been angry. I can't figure out who I'm angry at. I've been taking it out on everyone in my house and the compound. Which is not fair to them.

Part of me is angry at myself, for failing to provide the happy and healthy environment for Jakes. I can't help but think there had to be something else I could have done to keep this from happening. Not that I can come up with anything else to do......

Part of me is angry at Jakes for not complying with the rules and the therapies we've tried. I feel like he has purposely sabotaged everything in order to be allowed to move to his fathers house.

I'm angry at his father too. He has never done anything to help with the raising of Jakes. Not even when I've told him that I was struggling and needed his help. He's so egotistical that he doesn't think he will have the same problems with Jakes that I've had. He actually said that to me.

Part of me hopes that this move will be the best thing I've ever done for Jakes. Its not what I want but its what I think is best for Jakes at this point. What I want is irrelevant right now. As his mother, I have to think and do what is best for him.

Part of me also hopes that Jakes continues his behaviors with his father and that his father struggles the same way I have. That's the vindictive side of me and is not what is best for Jakes. But it sure would be fun to see his father struggle and have that ego taken down a few pegs by his kid!

I am angry that I am not getting what I want, what I dreamed for my life. I've had my marriage taken from me and now I'm loosing my child. What else am I going to fail at?

Flip-A-B*tch, VA and The Ring

2011-10-24T10:12:00.000-04:00

Neicy and I are probably the best traveling partners ever. We each have skills and needs that compliment the other. When we traveled to Hawaii together, it was The Best vacation I've ever had. It was relaxing but we were still on the go everyday, enjoying the sights and being in Hawaii. When Neicy and I travel together, we LOVE to eat yummy, local food places.

When we decide we're going somewhere together, I usually make the travel arrangements, such as plane and hotel stuff. Neicy will check out the local food scene. Our recent trip to TN was kind of a last minute decision to go. One that I will never regret doing and I wouldn't have been anywhere else but by her side! Love ya, Neicy!

Once we definitely decided to go to TN, I started looking for hotels. I didn't have to worry about how we were getting there, we had an address and a GPS for that. Neicy started looking for places to eat. We figured we'd eat at fast food places on the drive but figured we'd have a couple of nights in TN to have good food.

On the drive down, we stopped in Virginia, just off I-66 for lunch. It was a local grille place that had yummy sandwiches. Lunch finished and facilities used, we hit the road again. The weather cleared up, traffic thinned and it was a lovely drive. All of a sudden, Neicy gasped. She realized that she had left her Tiffany ring in the bathroom where we had lunch! YIKES!

I grabbed my cell phone and got the phone number for the place, called them and they HAD THE RING! Woo ho! Neicy immediately Flipped-A-B*tch.

Do you know what that is? A big ole U-turn. Usually, when Neicy and I are out and I'm driving, we have to do several of them! I am a driver that follows my patterns and if we try to deviate from them, we have to Flip-A-B*tch. Its become a joke between us.

Of course, the one in Virginia was the biggest we'd ever had to do. We were over an hour from the lunch stop. But it was a Tiffany Ring and they had it. We were going BACK.

I was VERY amused by this situation. And once she knew the ring was safe, Neicy was too. I also have a LOT of free Flip-A-B*tches coming my way!

End of story, we got the ring, got to use the facilities again, got lots of giggles, and got to TN about 3 hours later than planned.

My Dear Letters

2011-10-21T10:43:00.000-04:00

I've seen Amber over at Airing My Dirty Laundry, One Sock at a Time before and hers are hilarious!

Dear Shadow,

I'm so sorry for stepping on you last night. I thought you were, um well, a shadow and my eyes weren't exactly open at 3 am. You do blend in so well!

Sorry for your pain,
Momma

Dear Son,

I know you are moving away and you are an angry teenager, but it would have been nice for you to TELL me you missed the bus and needed a ride to school this morning. Sitting on the couch, pouting won't get you to school.

Mean Mom

Dear Gas Stations,

Why is it that you feel the need to jack your prices up so many times each day? I'm so confused and broke.

Wishing it were cheaper.
AmyLK

Dear M&M's World,

Did I tell you that I LOVE you? You are my happiest place on earth! The heck with Disney, I'll take M&M's over there ANYDAY!

Totally in Love
AmyLK

The Theatre, The Theatre

2011-10-19T20:13:00.002-04:00

***i hit publish by accident. Forgive the errors! ***

One day Jesse came home from school to find her mom listening to her Walkman. When Jesse asked her what she was listening to, mom handed the headphones over. Mom started the tape from the beginning and it was a guy holding an auction. As the script progressed a man started singing softly...... "a collectors piece, indeed... Every detail exactly as it was....". When he finished singing the auctioneer came on again. "lot 666.... A chandelier in pieces. Said to be the cause of The Disaster."

And the music exploded in jesse's ears. It was Phantom of the Opera and from that day on Jesse was hooked.

Jesse and her mom had already been to see the play Cats and were making plans to see Les Miserables. Since Jesse and Jon were involved in theatre at school, Jesse shared her interests and opportunities to see the plays with him. They went with jesses mom and her friend to see a couple of shows and really enjoyed them.

Together, Jesse and Jon agreed that while Cats was a wonderful play their ultimate favorite was Les Miserables. But that could be because Jesse saw it on broadway in New York City.

For jesse's high school graduation her parents gave her tickets to see phantom on broadway. By then Jesse and Jon had broken up but her mom still included him in the invite to go to NYC. Jesse, her brother Mike and Jon ended up driving to NYC while her mother and her best friend took the train to the city. It was a long uncomfortable car ride for Jesse. Not only was she still uncomfortable around Jon but Kyle had given her a hard time for going with them instead of taking the train with her mother.

But they arrived in the city, did a little exploring and saw phantom. They had wonderful seats, orchestra center about 10 rows back from the stage. When the chandelier fell, Jesse actually ducked!

That was the last play Jesse and Jon attended together. Jesse and her mom went to several more and had made plans to go see another one when her mom got sick.

After her mom passed, Jesse was busy with a newborn, a lost father and a failing marriage. Not to mention, Kyle didn't like the Broadway musicals. He only one she knew who did was Jon. And that was impossible right now.

Years later, after the newborn was a teenager, the father was happily remarried, and the divorce was finalized, Jesse and Jon found each other again. They became friends again, remembering good times and bad. Jon said he really missed going to plays and the theatre. Jesse told him she hadn't been to one since her mother passed.

Jesse had a chance to go to NYC and see the play Wicked. It was an amazing trip with her Best friend, Kate. They explored the city, had yummy food and saw the play. While sitting in the theatre waiting for the show to start, Jesse really missed her mother. She even shed a few tears thinking how much her mother would have enjoyed the show. Jesse also thought how much she missed Jon sitting beside her.

Maybe in the future they'd have the opportunity to go to NYC and see a show together......

Its Curtains - WW

2011-10-19T08:26:00.002-04:00

Shadow

The Trip

2011-10-18T08:33:00.001-04:00

Neicy and I took off this past weekend to Tennessee. It was a sad reason for a road trip, a friend of ours is dying and we had to say good-bye. But we had some lovely scenery to view on the drive, as well as just leaving our problems behind.

If you enlarge this, it says Naked Mountain Winery.
We're going back to sample their wines!

Just off I-81.
Beautiful!

I-81 was ENDLESS!
But lots to see

This is Endless Caverns in the Mountainside
We're going back to check this out too

We stopped and hiked in Bays Mountain Park, TN
Its a lovely area.

On the way out of the Park

Overall, it was a good quick get a way that has given us a plan for lots of other things to go and see.

Death of a Sock Monkey

2011-10-17T07:24:00.000-04:00

Jaxon LOVES stuffed animals, especially Monkeys

He likes to toss his head around, making the animal hit his head.

Then he starts chewing on the toy.

Eventually I come to find THIS:

I didn't do it Momma!

Dead Sock Monkey

At least EMS only gets then cheap at Yard Sales!

Sunday Check In - Briefly

2011-10-16T19:00:00.000-04:00

Its been a wild weekend! Neicy and I took a road trip, more details to follow this week. The road trip was a success!

I'm feeling a depression coming on. More on that later too. sigh.

But I'm here. I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend!

The Funeral - A Short Story

2011-10-13T07:15:00.001-04:00

Jesse walked up the steps to the funeral home with her husband Kyle, brother, and father. They were there to view her mother laid out in the casket. Jesse was also three days from her due date of giving birth to her first child.

In addition, over the past couple of days, she has felt some cramping and contractions. However, she didn’t say anything to her father. He had enough to deal with on this day.

After the family approved the arrangements, the doors were opened for family and friends to pay their respects. Jesse wandered around, greeting old friends and being hugged to death by family. Of course, everyone wanted to feel her pregnant belly.

Wherever Jesse went, the funeral directors wife was not far behind. Jesse was amused by this. She figured that they might view giving birth in a place of death would not be very lucky for either party.

For most of the evening, Kyle had parked himself in a chair and didn’t seem very concerned about his wife. At one point, Jesse turned around and almost stepped on Kyle, he’d snuck up behind her. Jesse moved away from him to greet other friends and Kyle followed. She couldn’t figure out why all the sudden he was her shadow.

When Jesse looked around, she saw her brother talking with Jon. Jesse froze. Her heart quickened and she was very nervous. Jon made sure to stay away from Jesse but his eyes didn’t leave her while he was talking to her brother.

Jesse didn’t see anyone there with Jon. He came alone. Jesse knew he’d gotten married and had a little boy. She also knew things weren’t good between he and his wife. But with Kyle hovering around her, there was no way Jesse would be able to get a private word in with Jon.

Just knowing he cared enough about her mother to stop by made Jesse happy.

Toes in the Water -WW

2011-10-12T07:22:00.000-04:00

Introducing Mia to the River

Its Done

2011-10-11T12:16:00.002-04:00

I did it. I meet JF at our courthouse and we signed the consent order giving my son away.

And That's all I have.

More later.

Sunday Check In On Monday

2011-10-10T14:56:00.000-04:00

I love three day weekends! When there is a Monday Holiday, we get to leave work at 2:00 pm on Fridays. Lovely little perk!

Its been a beautiful weekend, weather-wise and just in general. Jakes and I went to the local Tack Shop to get him riding boots and a helmet. OUCH. Talk about expensive. But, the good news is that they will last a while.

On Saturday, Jakes cooperated in getting his reading completed and we went to the movies together. We saw Dolphin Tales and Jakes LOVED it. It was a movie right up his alley. Winter is a lovely and brave dolphin and the kids who helped her are amazing examples of being able to share their love with Winter.

On Sunday, Jakes and I got caught up with housework and we had what will probably be our final cookout of the season with the Compound. Everyone made something and we all shared in good food and good company. I'd like to think we'll have good weather for more cookouts before next spring but you never know with fall and winter weather.

Tomorrow its back to work and I'm supposed to meet JF at the courthouse to sign away my baby. Wish me strength for that.

Fragments on Friday

2011-10-07T14:44:00.000-04:00

I have been sharing my bed with someone the past couple of weeks. A four legged, furry friend. My little Kitters hurt his paw while roaming outside and I don't want to let him back outside until he can walk right on it. He's getting better and moving around better, but he's not ready to leave the nest yet. So he's been taking advantage of my compassionate heart and sleeping in my bed. Of course, where Kitters goes, so does Saylors, the girl kitty. That's two four legged friends so far.

Then Shadow will come and snuggle up with us too. Count 'em three four legged friends. Jaxon spends time trying to jump on the bed and eventually makes it up. A total of FOUR 4 legged friends in my little bed. Its time to toss everyone out of the bed so I can stretch out and get some sleep.

**********

I have Jakes this weekend. There is going to be some repairmen at the house first thing tomorrow morning. UGH. No sleeping in for us! But the repairs have to be done. I'm also planning to take Jakes to the movies, then we'll stop for dinner someplace tomorrow afternoon. I'm hoping for a good day!

**********

The discussion between JF and I about the custody and visitation changes did not go well. I had asked for LOTS of visitation time with Jakes and JF didn't like that. He tried to bully me into doing what he wanted. He threatened court and to call our case worker. I said to go ahead! What judge won't give a mother as much visitation time as she is asking for, especially when the father is working? And I've kept the case worker in the loop for everything that's been going on.

I do find it funny that he lied to the case worker about being off on Saturdays as well as complaining about having to get a bigger apartment. He was told in April that he was to provide a bedroom for Jakes, even before we considered changing custody. OH! And he also told me to remember that I came to HIM. Like he's doing me a favor. HA!

I didn't get mad at him; I actually thought it was funny that he was the one that got mad and acted like an idiot.

Oh well, we managed to work through things and come up with an acceptable agreement. Hopefully, we'll be able to meet on Tuesday and sign the papers.

**********

I am hoping to take some time at Thanksgiving to take a trip to AZ. Depends on how much the cost of a plane ticket will cost. If you know of a good place to get cheap flights through, let me know!

AZ and I have been chatting lots and sharing memories from the past. We'll have to see where things go, if anywhere.

He's been dealing with some health issues recently, scary stuff when your out there by yourself with very few friends. He's taking years off his mom's life with everything going on out there.

**********

Its going to be lovely weather round here this weekend. With Monday off, maybe Jakes and I will decorate for Halloween! I hope everyone else has wonderful weather and enjoys their weekend!

Light Hearted and Hopeful

2011-10-06T12:22:00.002-04:00

I sit here in my office this afternoon feeling almost happy. Kinda light hearted. See the decision has been made, the details hammered out and the appointment made to sign the papers.

My Son, who I love with all my being, is going to go live with his father. Yes, I can actually say and write that without breaking down.

After countless hours of pondering, bouncing back and forth on my decision, and weighing the pros and cons of the situation, I know in my heart and my head that this is the best option I have available for Jakes and myself. Jakes will get the opportunity to live with his father, get to spend lots of quality time with him and get to know him on a level different than "weekend father." I will get a much needed break from everything I've had to do with my moody, pre-teen, Aspergers with ADHD and now epilepsy son.

Jakes and I will have the chance to be together without all the schedules and homework and hopefully this will cut down on our arguments. I am seeing this as a chance to have a relationship with my son. Not a situation where I have to nag him to get stuff done and do this and don't do that. I'm sure there will be some of that, but for the most part I am hoping to just BE with Jakes.

Once we (myself and JF) hammered out all the details, with meltdowns and temper tantrums included, I am starting to feel pretty good about this situation. I know that in his way, which is different than mine, JF loves Jakes and wants the best for him. I know that no harm will come to Jakes while in his fathers care. And JF knows that only God will be able to help him, if something does happen to Jakes.

I am not planning to run out on Jakes. I will have him for most weekends and on the weekends where I don't have him, I will see him on Fridays for dinner. I have put wording in the proposal that I'm to be notified of Drs appointments, school meetings and other stuff. I can chose if I can/want attend these functions.

JF had expected that we would just reverse the roles we are playing now. Once I convinced him that I want more and that I was willing to fight for more in court, he made a final proposal that was acceptable to me. I am hoping that Jakes will want to spend some summers with me. I don't know that I want him to move back, but if things don't work out at his fathers, I will take him.

But overall, I am feeling hopeful about my future with my son. It may not be the way I envisioned when he was born, but things change and you have to go with the flow........

The Wedding - A Short Story

2011-10-05T15:50:00.001-04:00

The many months of preparations were about to pay off. All the phone calls and meetings with the planners, photographers, and florists were coming together to make a beautiful wedding for Jesse and Kyle.

Jesse was standing in her dining room watching her mother pin a corsage on her fathers’ lapel. The photographer snapped the picture for posterity and the wedding album. Her mother beamed at her father, the love shining on their faces. Exactly what Jesse was hoping for in her marriage today. Once all the pictures were taken, Cassie helped Jesse in the van that would take them to the church.

At the church, with Cassie’s help again, Jesse exited the van and stood on the sidewalk, shaking out her dress. Cassie draped the train over Jesse’s arm and handed her the flowers to carry.

Jesse took a minute to look around the neighborhood. She was standing outside the small church where she was baptized. On the other side of the street stood the house where Jon had grown up and his parents still lived. Jesse stared at the house, almost wishing that Jon was there, watching her, waiting to see her and hoping he would come and proclaim his love for her.

The house looked empty. Jesse took a deep breath and went up the steps to the church. She walked toward her future, her lifetime of happiness. But at the same time walking away from a past love, one that might have been the greatest love of her life.

Once inside and on Uncle Don’s arm walking down the aisle, Jesse forgot about Jon. She walked with her head up and smiling toward Kyle, her soon to be husband.

It was a lovely uninterrupted ceremony, meant to join two people together for life.

Feeling a Little Crabby

2011-10-03T10:13:00.000-04:00

We were invaded a couple weeks ago by little fiddler crabs. They keep coming back when we have flooding high tides.

Jakes decided he wanted to see if we could catch a couple and put them in our fish tank. We currently have 6 of them in there. Three males, with the big claws and three females. Plus we have three little baby blue claw crabs that we found on the beach this summer.

Male Fiddler Crab

They like to hide in the ship.

Jakes will be taking them to his fathers with him. Which makes me happy because I don't have to worry about this:

Shadow is keeping a CLOSE eye on them

Sunday Check In

2011-10-02T11:14:00.000-04:00

Its been a long week for me. I know I've been whining a lot on here about Jakes and my decision to send him to live with his father. But this is my space to whine and writing about my thoughts helps me to organize my mind and work through my feelings.

This week, Jakes behavior has been much better. Don't get me wrong, there is still his disrespect and arguments over getting things done, but he's been less argumentative. He also has been less angry with me.

He told me he doesn't want to be sent away. This of course lead to my explaining to him that I'm not sending him away but that I'm trying to give him an opportunity to be happier and have a better relationship with me and his father. I don't think he bought it. lol

His admission that he doesn't want to go also raised my motherly protection instincts to their highest levels. I started questioning whether what I've decided is REALLY the right thing to do. Jakes asked for my help, he wants me to find a way to help our relationship with him staying with me. He wants me to "think outside the box". He wants me to fix it like a mother is supposed to, but so that he gets his way.

I don't know what else to do to help us. I am convinced that his living with his father IS the solution, at least for now. If things don't work out at his fathers, then we'll think outside the box for another solution.

This fighting instinct resulted in an emergency session with my therapist. She is wonderful to have fit me in so quickly. I am getting the same support for my decision across the board, from my therapist, my friends, and my family.

This has been the hardest decision I've ever had to make. I have finally accepted that its the best decision for the resources I have at my disposal. Jakes is going to have a wonderful opportunity to get to know his father, to know what its like to live in a family with a mother figure, a father figure and a sibling. This is something I cannot give him at this point in our life. He'll have a male role model (his father) and that's something every 12 year old boy should have, if the opportunity presents itself.

I will still be very active in Jakes life, I will get him every weekend. I will still be involved in his school career and his medical conditions.

Now to get Jakes to understand all this. And to start packing him up.

The See Saw

2011-09-28T09:55:00.000-04:00

Excerpts from:

The Rum Tum Tugger by T. S. Eliot

The Rum Tum Tugger is a terrible bore:

When you let him in, then he wants to be out;

He's always on the wrong side of every door,

And as soon as he's at home, then he'd like to get about.

He likes to lie in the bureau drawer,

But he makes such a fuss if he can't get out.

Tugger was a curious cat who never seemed to be satisfied with his lot in life, on the wrong side of every door. This is how I'm feeling.

I made the decision to send Jakes to live with his dad and I think a part of me didn't think it would really happen. I mean, JF hasn't exactly been there to help with things previously.

JF hadn't gotten back to me about any of this or a time frame for changing custody. I think he was waiting for me to change my mind. I sent a message to him today asking when he wanted Jakes to move in with him. Since he can't get a larger apartment until the end of October, we decided that Jakes will move in with him and start school on Halloween.

This is what I wanted. This is what Jakes and I NEED in order to have a good relationship. I need a break from dealing with his attitudes and disabilities alone all these years.

But like Tugger on the wrong side of the door, I'm having doubts that this is REALLY the thing I want to do. Am I really ready to take a break from being a full time mom? Am I really ready to give up the control of making the decisions on everything regarding Jakes? Am I really ready to accept this?

Earlier this week, I contacted Youth Case Management to set us up for a needs assessement. 10 minutes before JF got back to me, the therapist called to set up an appointment. If we qualify for their services (and I can't imagine that we wouldn't) this could give us another chance to make it work between us. But, do I have it in me for another round? Would it truly be what is best for Jakes?

I fought like MAD to make my marriage work, only to find out how much happier and healthier I can be on my own. If I continue to try to find ways of making this work between Jakes and I, could I only be postponing the inevitable and making things worse between Jakes and I?

Yes, I am looking forward to peace in my home and not having to fight Jakes for EVERYTHING. I am not looking forward to being even more alone in my own home. I am looking forward to the break I will have, the less stress in my home, not having to run all over the place for Drs appointments, the therapy appointments, etc.

Yes, there is some doubt that what I am really and truly doing what is best for Jakes. I think it is what's best for him and for myself at this point in our lives. There is no way to know what the future holds and if this is the "right" thing to do. I think its the right thing to do at this point in our life. And it doesn't have to be permanent.

if you want to see Rum Tum Tugger in action, click here and check out that pelvis action! oh baby! swoon!

I Have ADD - Tuesday Ramblings

2011-09-27T04:04:00.005-04:00

This is going to a short and sweet entry. I have not been able to concentrate on anything for long periods of time. I even downloaded a Clive Cussler book from the library that is not keeping my attention. Couldn't be because of all I have on my mind, could it?

Dad got good news, health wise. He had a colonoscopy where they removed 8 polyps. None of which were cancerous! Wonderful news! ESM had a colonoscopy as well and only had one polyp. She's still waiting for the pathology to come back. I get to go for a colonoscopy in December. sigh........

I went to my Mom's best friends home for a visit over the weekend. When Mom was dying she said that Judy was to take over being Jakes grandmom. And she has! She has also taken over being Mom to me. I got lots of comfort from Judy this past weekend. She and I can share memories and stories of Mom and I like that. I needed Mom this past week.

Jakes went to his other grandparents, Mam and Pop-pop's on Friday and his father picked him up from there on Saturday. Fortunately, his father was willing to help me out by separating Jakes and I this weekend. Even if he wasn't, I was going to call Mam and Pop-pop to take Jakes.

On Monday morning, I called the In-home therapy people to get set up for a needs assessment. Hopefully, we'll qualify for Youth Case Management, which will open lots of doors for services and supports for us.

This doesn't mean that I have changed my mind about Jakes living with his father. This is so that hopefully Jakes and I can get along until his father has moved and made the changes necessary to take him. Also, if things don't work out at his fathers, we will have the needs assessment completed and can pick up from there.

It seems that Jakes and his father have their own agenda for this situation. It seems that JF thinks that I'll settle down and change my mind. AND he's said so to Jakes. That's why Jakes doesn't think he's moving. Guess its time to step up my nagging of JF, ask where he is on moving and such. And share the info about the boarding school.

Right now, all I want is to get Jakes sent to his fathers and for me to run away to AZ, permanently. Of course, there are many complications in that scenario as well. sigh.

Above all else, I want to find happiness in my life. I can't remember when I felt happiness. When do I get my turn? Why does it seem that my idea of happiness for myself has to be without Jakes? Questions to ponder.

Sunday Check In

2011-09-25T11:57:00.000-04:00

Just a quickie to say I'm doing ok. After the turmoil of last week, I'm okay. I am not regretting my decision to send Jakes to live with his father because I do think it whats best for Jakes. I am regretting that I'll have to pay child support and the impact that's going to have on my way of life. Selfish, I know.

Jakes is spending the weekend with his father, even though its my weekend. Jakes and I needed to be separated. I ran away to a friends house for yesterday. It was nice to leave everything behind and relax. Judy is Mom's best friend and she has become a mom to me. I unloaded everything to her and she helped to reassure me that its probably for the best.

My Dad understands that I feel I need a break from Jakes and supports that I think this is for the best. But he doesn't think that JF will take Jakes. Yes, he's said that he would but JF has failed me and Jakes many times before. So, Dad has a point. I need to keep my feet on the ground and accept that there is the possibility that Jakes might not leave me.

I need to come up with an alternative plan. I have dug out the paperwork from the in-home therapists and am prepared to call them back into the picture if necessary. I have looked up a residential school where two of my cousins graduated. They had great experiences there. That's an option, possibly.

I have contacted my therapist to give her a heads up on the situation and that I might need to come back to her. I don't think I need her right now but I will be paying attention to how I feel. When I want to hide under my desk, then I know I need her and maybe to increase my meds.

So for now, I am fine.

Amazing Stuff That Floats By My House

2011-09-23T15:41:00.000-04:00

I have written before about living on The River and all that comes with it. We have lovely, peaceful mornings. We have floods and animals, such as the baby eel that I picked up and the crabs that come from the meadow during high tides. We've had Santa pull up to the beach around Christmas time. We have a sand bar out front at low tide that Jaxon and Jacob love to play on. And we have wave action during storms.

Lovely boats sail by all the time. We also loose the beach in the winter. Brrrrrr And the Geesy's love to come and feast on the corn we put out.

Lots of differnt things to look for. Last weekend I saw something VERY strange.

This floated by.
What is it?

A piece of land, with trees growing and everything

Never a dull moment on the River!

The Decision Has Been Made

2011-09-22T09:53:00.000-04:00

I was actually very proud of myself because lately, there hasn't been much turmoil in my life to blog about. Jakes and I had been doing pretty well, just the normal butting of heads, nothing much to worry about. JF has been quiet and cooperative.

Since school has started, Jakes and I have been butting heads more often over his school work. He doesn't think that I should monitor it. He says that he can do it. And when I talk to him about missing assignments or failing grades, he gets hostile, mean and this morning, violent.

Earlier this week, I was able to talk with him calmly to explain that I am legally responsible for monitoring his work. But that if he is actually doing the work and getting passing grades, I wouldn't have to nag him about it. It would be like I'm not monitoring him at all. He said that he understood and that he could do it and make the passing grades. I told him that's great, now show me.

I haven't checked his grades for a couple of days, he said he didn't have homework, other than reading. I told him I wanted the reading done before we go away on Saturday and he said he'd get it done.

This morning, his reading folder was on the kitchen counter and I looked to see how many lines he has. Only 2 out of 20. I told him he needs to get reading or we weren't going away this weekend and I would cancel his riding lesson as well. He got mad and started yelling at me. I sent him to his room.

While there, I checked the grades online and he's failing 2 classes because of not turning in homework. When he came out of his room, I mentioned that he has assignments to turn in and he flipped out. Instead of walking away, I flipped right back at him.

Leaving out lots of details, we ended up in a power struggle, with him pushing me, me pushing him back and lots of screaming. I told him I was calling the child welfare office to report this and get their assistance in transferring custody to his father. I told him to get his school stuff and get out of my house.

I was wrong for not walking away, but I am SO sick and tired of the power struggle between us. He thinks he is in charge and won't accept that he's not. I've tried to explain it to him when we're both calm and of course I've screamed it at him. I've done therapy with him, without him. I've done family stabilization programs, in home therapies. I'm on medication, he's on medication. And I don't know where else to turn for help.

Its time for his father to step up and be a father. I do not feel safe in the home with my child anymore. I should not have to be treated this way by my child. My child should not be treated this way by me. I have done everything I know how in order to make life better for my child and myself. I think at this point, the only way to salvage my relationship with my child is to let him go.

Animals in My Home

2011-09-21T10:49:00.000-04:00

Last month, I introduced Shadow to the Nest. He's settled in very nicely. Shadow is still a lovebug and gets along very well with Jaxon. They run back and forth chasing each other. Shadow even plays ball with Jaxon.

Play Ball

Shadow loves to snuggle up with me at night. I have to scratch him all over, even his belly, then when he's ready to fall asleep, he puts his paw in my hand and I have to hold his paw while he drifts off. Too cute!

Shadow Chillin'

The Vet says that he is about 2 yrs old and needs to be fixed. We'll get to that. He has a scratch on his cornea that needs eye drops but he's so good about letting us put them in. When the vet prescribed the drops he hinted that it would be hard to put them in. Shadow jumps on my bed and lays down. He doesn't like having them put in, but he doesn't fight me or Jakes to put them in. Of course, he knows that he'll get lots of scratches and loving while we're doing it.

Really Mom? Get outta my face

Kitters seems to have accepted Shadow. They can at least be in the same room together without hissing and growling. Saylors on the other hand is still complaining to him when she sees him. She is what I call my high maintenance kitty and took longer to warm up to Jaxon. I know she will eventually.

My ball!

Overall, I'm thrilled with having Shadow added to the family. He's been a good addition.

Sounds in My House

2011-09-20T21:00:00.002-04:00

Sniff. Sniff. Cough. Cough. Aaaaaaachoooooooooo. Honk honk. Plop. Plop. Fizz. Fizz. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzz zzz zzz zzz.

End if summer colds Bite the big one.

Sunday Check in

2011-09-18T09:16:00.000-04:00

Its been a lovely weekend here. The weather has been cool and cloudy. Perfect sleeping weather! I love snuggling under the covers in the cold room.

I've taken time for myself this weekend. I've been working on processing Jakes newest diagnosis. I've been reading about epilepsy. Its a scary thing! All the new terminology to learn! I guess its a good thing to be scared of it but I have to know how to handle Jakes if he has a seizure with me. The first aid for a seizure person is pretty easy, don't do much of anything. Turn them on their side, loosen any tight clothing, and protect their head. Their seizure should stop on its own, but if it doesn't call 911.

I sent the diagnosis information to JF and his parents. The last time I dropped Jakes off at the other grandparents house, Mam was very interested in what was going on. On Friday, she called me to thank me for the information. She was SO happy that I'd sent it. JF had given them the cliffs-notes version of it. I told her I would scan in some other information for her and email it. She loved it.

Neicy and I spent yesterday afternoon together, something we haven't done lately. We were shopping for kitchen floor for me and she had a list of things to get pricing on at the home improvement stores. We of course, ended up at Target and the mall for a lap around there. Lots of girl talk and bitching. Just what we both needed!

My parents and Kathy have been away since Thursday. I got left home to care for the animals. I don't mind, The Compound has been quiet! Plus, the next time I want to go away and leave my animals home, they owe me! lol

I went to my Uncle's funeral service Saturday morning. It was good to see family and friends that I don't usually see. It was sad because Uncle Don and Aunt Do are both gone. But they are back together, which is what Uncle Don wanted. After being married for 56 years, he missed her so much. There are so many good memories of growing up with them. Uncle Don walked me down the aisle at my wedding. Mom was sick and Dad wanted to be with her. Plus he didn't approve of my choice of husband. Uncle Don looked so proud standing with me on his arm at the back of the church.

Last night I curled up with a glass or two of wine, my Kindle and blankets by a camp fire. It was a perfect evening for it!

Time to get moving, got laundry, cat box to scoop and dinner to get started! Happy Sunday!

Invasion

2011-09-16T08:21:00.000-04:00

In the past few weeks, the East Coast has experienced some pretty freaky weather and other natural disturbances. We shook and swayed through the earthquake that was centered in Virginia. We've endured inches beyond inches of rain, either from storms or hurricanes.

My little neck of the woods was largely spared by Hurricane Irene. Since I live on the river with a tidal marsh directly behind my house, we expected to have lots of flooding. Fortunately, we didn't during the storm. Our flooding came after the storm was done. After all the little rivers, creeks and marshes had drained their excess waters into my river, which then flooded our little marsh.

We didn't suffer any damages from this flooding but we were invaded. Now, I've reported before all the creaures we have around here, the crabs, the fish, the bugs, the baby eels.

Just get on with it, what were you invaded by!

Mud Crabs by the HUNDREDS! We hear them before we saw them. They were skitttering along the curb and all over the road. We think they came out of the marsh because the tides were so high. They came up with the water, then got "stuck" on dry land or in the road. They knew which way to run to get back to the water. That's what the skittering sounds were, them running for the marsh.

By the time ESM got out there with her camera, we had chased most of them back into the marsh. They came visiting at the high tides for three days. Then the tides started staying at the normal levels and we haven't seen them in the road since. Pretty freaky of Mother Nature. Here's some pictures:

There are three in this picture
Some of them had one big claw while others had 2 smaller claws
The big claw could be on the left ot the right.

My what a big claw you have!

Skitter on back to where you came from

Jakes spent lots of time outside just after high tide for several days checking on the crabs. And to be honest, I hope they stay far, far away!

Memory

2011-09-15T14:18:00.000-04:00

I recently lost two lovely people in my life; my Aunt Do and Uncle Don. I don’t know why we called her Aunt Do, her name was Gloria. I think one of my cousins couldn’t say her name and that’s where the nickname Do-Do came from.

There are so many memories of growing up around them, surrounded by their love.

**************

Jesse’s earliest memory of Aunt Do and Uncle Don was spending time at their house visiting. Jesse would play in the closet in Walt’s room. It was a big closet, with stickers all over the door. Jesse and her cousins would pretend many different things, it was a spaceship, it was a time machine; whatever their imagination could conjure. They always had the greatest adventures at Aunt Do and Uncle Dons’.

**************

Jesse clamored over the tailgate into the back of the station wagon with her two cousins and brother. She watched as her aunts and mother all piled into the seats of the car. This was their monthly shopping trip and lunch out. Jesse loved this trip. They would stop at the butchers’ shop, where all the kids would get a hunk of cheese. Then it would be onto the grocery store with the sawdust on the floor. Jesse would drag her feet through it, annoying her mother. After the grocery store, they would stop at Pizza Hut for lunch. Jesse loved being able to eat her own whole pizza.

The ride home would be more cramped with groceries and meats for all four aunts and Jesse’s mom. But the cousins would all swish together and yell when the load would shift around the turns. Aunt Do would stop and drop everyone off, the kids helping carry in the bags at each stop.

***********

After greeting Aunt Do upstairs, she ran to the basement door and down the steps. In the basement there was a finished off area with a pool and ping pong table where the kids liked to play. In the back of the basement was Uncle Don’s work area. He was a hunter and fisherman in his spare time. Hanging in the area were hundreds of muskrats turned inside out and their skins stretched out for drying. It was gross. Uncle Don was working on skinning his latest catch and there was blood and guts everywhere.

Jesse ran in gave Uncle Don a quick kiss and ran away before he could tease her with the innards.

***********

Jesse pulled into the driveway of Aunt Do and Uncle Don’s house. Uncle Don was in the garden. Jesse wandered over to say hello before going into the house to visit with Aunt Do. Of course, Uncle Don had to show off his fabulous garden. He loved being out there with his plants, making them grow and flourish. After a big hug and kiss hello, the tour started. Jesse checked out all the plants, big and little. She would have helped to pull weeds but there were none. That’s how meticulous Uncle Don was about his garden.

************

Jesse woke up to the smell of pumpkin pie and went into the kitchen to investigate. Her mom had been up for hours, baking pies and was starting on the breads. In a few hours, the family would pack up and drive over the creek to Aunt Do and Uncle Don’s house for Thanksgiving Dinner. Aunt Do and Uncle Don’s kids would be there, along with their families. Aunt Auds and her boys would be there, it would be one crowded place to be. However, it was tradition and it was the only place Jesse wanted to be for Thanksgiving.

When Jesse got there, Uncle Don was in the kitchen carving the turkey; Aunt Do was working on the mashed potatoes. There were big hugs and kisses all around. Jesse headed into the living room where the table was setup with all the leaves and room for 16 people. But there was still a kids table in the dining room.

What a feast was on the table! Every kind of holiday food you’d imagine was there. Then there were the pies in the dining room. On the TV was football, a thanksgiving tradition. It was a great day with all the family together and happy.

***********

Jesse and Uncle Don were sitting next to each other while the family sang happy birthday to them. When the song was over, they hurried to see who could blow out the most candles, which of course ended up with the two laughing at each other. Jesse always teased Uncle Don about being born on her birthday. This went on for many shared birthdays.

************

Jesse ran to the door. It was Christmas morning, they’d already opened all their presents from Santa, and now it was time for breakfast with Aunt Do and Uncle Don. Jesse’s mom made cinnamon rolls, there were cookies, and it was the one time of year that the coffee percolator was used. Jesse loved the smell of coffee brewing; it was a sign of Christmas.

Breakfast was served, the adults sat around munching on Christmas cookies while the kids played with their new toys.

************

In times of tragedy, Aunt Do and Uncle Don were there for Jesse’s family and the same when there was tragedy in Aunt Do and Uncle Don’s life. When their daughter was killed, Jesse’s father went to the hospital to identify her. When Jesse’s mom had a car accident, Aunt Do was at the house to help. When Jesse’s mom was dying, Aunt Do was there to help care for her.

***********

Jesse was 7 months pregnant, her mother was on hospice, and it was hard for Jesse to deal with. After one particularly trying visit with her mother, Jesse couldn’t face going home. Instead she drove down the road to Aunt Do’s house. Once inside, Aunt Do wrapped her arms around Jesse and let her cry it all out. No judgment, just love.

***********

Jakes ran into the house ahead of his mom, Jesse. He ran and climbed onto Uncle Don’s lap for hugs and kisses. Jakes called him Uncle Goofy. They hugged and kissed, tickled and giggled. Then it was Jesse’s time for hugs and kisses from Uncle Don. Then Uncle Don took Jakes on a tour of the garden, another generation sharing in the love of gardening. Jesse would stop over on most Saturday mornings after Jakes was born.

So many memories, so much love shared. We’ve said good bye to two wonderful people, who loved each other and their families. They are back together in heaven, Aunt Do being a nurturing caregiver, Uncle Don being a little silly and teasing. I’ll miss them both.

I wrote this from a prompt at Theme Thursday.

Swinging - WW

2011-09-14T08:42:00.000-04:00

Check out other Wordless Wednesday participants

Just Swinging Around at the local festival
My new Favorite pic of Jakes.

Its Okay Tuesday!

2011-09-13T11:22:00.000-04:00

I'm playing with Amber over at Airing My Dirty Laundry, One Sock at a Time who has been doing Its Okay Tuesday for a long time now. I'm so glad she hooked up a linky to it!

Its okay to worry and wonder what's next for Jakes with the new diagnosis. Worry is okay as long as it doesn't take over our lives.

Its okay to not have much to say here. It'll come eventually.

Its okay to be frustrated with a mouthy pre-teen with Aspergers and ADHD. There are other mothers out there who are going through the same thing. It will get better eventually.

Head over to Amber's and play along!

Fragmented Thinking

2011-09-09T09:37:00.000-04:00

Its Friday. So happy its Friday. For a short work week, this has been a looooong week filled with stresses. I'm ready for it to be over.

Dad's visit to the cardiologist went well. They are not sure if he had a heart attack or not, but since he's starting to feel better, there really isn't anything to be done. Except for him NOT to carry luggage down three flights of steps again. Dr said that's the stuff that will kill him, with his heart condition. The Dr prescribed nitroglycerin for Daddy to carry around in case it happens again and told him to get himself to the ER ASAP.

Dad also had a colonoscopy this week. In the past, they have found cancerous polyps, some of which could be removed at the time of the scope and others that required further surgery. This time they found 10 polyps, 8 of which they removed. None appeared cancerous, but we have to wait for the pathology to come back. Fingers crossed and prayers said!

As far as Jakes new diagnosis, I'm doing ok with it. I contacted the Epilepsy Foundation and they are sending me educational information and I have to find out what Jakes actual diagnosis is as well as the type of seizure he has. Once I know this, the Foundation will be able to better educate me on what to look for and expect. The woman I spoke with said that he could have been having them all along, I just don't know what to look for. Or this could be a new onset, with puberty. Either way, it doesn't matter. What matters is that we know now and will do what is necessary to care for Jakes.

I emailed all this info to JF but wasn't holding my breath on a response. The NEXT morning, he sent a text thanking me for the information. Now I know why the East Coast is flooding.

I am making plans for some girl time this weekend. There is a celebration in a local town and Janet, Lori and I will meet there and turn our kids loose on the rides and such. We're finalizing those plans now. I can't wait to hang with my girls! Its been too long!

Short but sweet! Its all I got right now. Have a wonderful weekend everyone!

The News Floored Me

2011-09-07T22:12:00.000-04:00

I don't know if you remember but back in March, I got the dreaded call "we're at the ER but don't worry" from Jakes father. Jakes had a seizure while visiting his dad's for the weekend. Jakes was sent home and everything was fine.

I made an appointment with a Pedi-Neurologist and she ordered an MRI and a 24-hour EEG. Today she called with the results and I was floored. Jakes has a seizure disorder. While he was wearing the EEG he had 2 little seizures when he was drifting off to sleep. SCARY! Do I watch my child sleep now? Probably not, cause I like my sleep too much.

Also, the MRI showed that he has an inferior vermal hypoplasia. In the cerebellum, there is a thing called a Vermal. Jakes is smaller than normal, which is something that they see often in Autistic and Aspergers patients. The Dr expected to see this because of Jakes history of AS. This is probably the most definitive way of knowing that Jakes indeed has AS, along with the psychological testing we've had done over the years.

The Dr thinks that because of Jakes history that he stands a 98% chance of having another seizure. SCARY, again. So she wants to medicate him for seizures. Its a pretty mild medication with few side effects, one being that its a mood stabilizer. How cool is that?!?! Just in time for puberty!

While on the phone with her, I was floored, overwhelmed and just plain mind boggled! I had no clue what questions to ask or what information I needed to get from her. I took notes, fortunately. I have come up with a couple of questions that I want to ask..

When I got off the phone with her, I just wanted to have a meltdown. I mean, how much more am I supposed to deal with where my child is concerned. I don't want to have to deal with more medical stuff with Jakes. I was looking forward to being done with Jakes medical stuff for a while. I wanted to wallow for a while and feel sorry for myself for having a defective child. I don't want to DO THIS anymore.

And I did wallow. I contemplated floating away on high tide, but the tide was coming IN and that would take me to town. Boring! I'd have to wait for the tide to head out to float someplace cool. For about an hour. Then reason started kicking in. This is something that is manageable. Something that could possibly go away and never be a problem again. Its not like he's in a coma or unable to care for himself. Nothing about him has changed. He is still JAKES.

So, I am all about the research and finding the support services. I am going to call the Epilepsy Foundation to get more information on seizures and caring for Jakes with them. I want to find out more about the inferior vermal hypoplasia thingy and see what that's about. I've got to look up and read about the medication they want to put him on. And lastly, I am going to have to fight with the insurance to get him the medication in the name brand because that's what the Dr wants.

This is not the end of the world. Just a bump in the road of life. Once we get the education and the medication started, life will be just as it was, only instead of one pill in the morning, Jakes will have to take 2.

I have to do this. My child is depending on his mom to make things right, safe and happy. I can do this.

Reaching out for Ideas

2011-09-07T07:23:00.000-04:00

Okay, my blogging buddies! I need ideas! And ya'll are great for ideas! I know you'll come through for me!

My agency has a program where we see kids between the ages of 10 and 16 for 7 weeks. Once they complete the 7 weeks, we hold a "Celebrate You" party for them where they are given snacks and drinks. I am writing a grant to ask for an increase in the amount of funding we receive so that we can give graduation gifts to the kids as well. There is no dollar limit set as yet for the gifts, but the bosses would like to see something that could be considered "life skills" worthy for the kids. The kids are from our poorest area that we serve for our prevention efforts.

What I need from you, my wonderful Bloggy Buddies is ideas for gifts. Brian, I'm guessing this might be right up your alley! :-)

Any ideas are welcome, even if you are just suggesting search words! I've googled everything I can think of. Thanks so much!

School Days and Other Randomness Thrown In

2011-09-06T09:13:00.000-04:00

Today was the first day of school for Jakes and it was a rough one. Not because he had trouble getting up, he's an early riser like me. But because of his MOUTH and attitude. I was up for about 10 minutes when he had gotten mad at me and slammed the door to his room. All because I told him to get breakfast and get ready for school. He felt I was Nagging him.

The second door slam came about 45 minutes later when I told him he would be responsible for making his own lunch this year. And he was not allowed to buy lunch at school this week. He doesn't feel making his lunch should be his responsibility, yet when I try to do something to help him, he gets mad. So I decided he can be responsible for getting himself completely ready for school, with no help from me.

He finally made his lunch and the third door slam came when he slammed out of the house to walk to the bus stop. Jaxon was jumping for joy when he saw Jakes leaving with his book bag. Jaxon LOVES to walk Jakes to the bus. So we followed, even though Jakes was practically running away from us to avoid me. He didn't speak to me at all at the bus stop, but he did finally pose for a picture on his way to the bus.

Jakes first day of 7th grade

Dad is not feeling too well lately. When we evacuated to the hotel for Irene, they had to carry their bags down from the third floor on Monday because the elevator was out of order. I had left on Sunday night when the power came back on cause I wanted MY bed. Had I stayed Sunday night, I would have been there to help carry the bags and Dad wouldn't be feeling so badly.

Dad has Congestive Heart Failure and 2 leaky heart valves. He's been doing ok with medication management but all that exercise last weekend seems to have done some damage. He has an appointment with his cardiologist today and hopefully they can work something out to give him some relief.

I'm a little down in the dumps lately. Extremely tired and sleeping a lot. I think I need a swift kick in the pants to get me moving. I don't know why I'm feeling this way, nothing has changed in my life recently. I'm not even that worried about Dad. I'll have to see how long this goes on and if I have to do anything to fix it.

We're bracing for more rain and flooding this week. We're getting the remains of TS Lee. I hope my friends who've already experienced his drenching effects are safe and drying out now! I'm also keeping an eye on Katia in the Atlantic. As of this morning, she's a category 4 hurricane but is not expected to make landfall in the US. Fingers crossed that she just blows by.

Over the last couple of weeks we've had some unusual phenomenons happen in my area. We experienced the ground shaking of an earthquake. It was centered in Virginia but its vibrations were felt up and down the east coast. It was WEIRD! I was in my hammock, swinging. The swinging motion slowed and eventually the hammock started moving back and forth instead of the side to side motion. The river even seemed to shake. WEIRD! I was hundreds of miles away from the epicenter and I don't think I'd want to be any closer!

Then that same week, we had some terrible storms go through that dumped tremendous amounts of rain on parts of the county which caused massive flooding, bridges and road were washed away. Fortunately, not in my part of the county. Then came Irene or as we've nicknamed her, ESM. My step mothers name is Irene and we had a ball teasing her about the devastation she was creating along the East Coast. I asked her which state she liked the best. She said Georgia and I think GA was spared pretty much. One of her bosses called her on Tuesday and thanked her for taking it easy on the county. We really could have had much worse than what we got. We were very fortunate.

Ok, enough babbling. I have some other stuff to get working on. Happy Tuesday everyone!

Neatest Information

2011-09-02T11:32:00.000-04:00

I found the neatest information and wanted to share with you. In doing some research on hobbies, I found that most colleges, such as MIT, post their past courses online for FREE. Yes, you can take a course from MIT, with all the notes, slide shows, tests and everything for FREE! Some of the classes that I looked at needed a text book which you could purchase through Amazon.com for very cheap. For the class I was looking at the books would have cost $12 and $8 of that was shipping costs.

There are courses that you don't need to purchase textbooks for or that have all the information right there online.

I was amazed at the course catalog for MIT and other notable universities! Of course, you are not getting credits for taking these classes but if you ever wanted to know about Astrodynamics or linear algebra, here's your chance! I know I'm going to be checking out some of the courses, I just haven't decided which one first.

Here are the websites that I've found so far:

MIT: http://ocw.mit.edu/index.htm

Online Education Database: http://oedb.org/library/beginning-online-learning/200-free-online-classes-to-learn-anything/

Free Online Classes and Online Courses http://www.guidetoonlineschools.com/articles/tips-and-tools/online-classes

Lots of choices of things to learn and who knows where it might lead!

Hobbies

2011-09-01T11:47:00.000-04:00

When I was growing up, my mom was the most talented person I knew. In addition to keeping the house and raising us kids, she sewed beautiful projects, she cross-stitched, and she gardened and canned the veggies.

Since I have been out on my own, I have never found that "thing" to do to amuse myself when the housework is done and the kid is in bed. I've typically sat in front of the TV or surfed the web looking at stupid mind-numbing stuff. Occasionally, I will find a book to read.

I can sew a bit (mom taught me the basics) but I never fell in love with it the way she did. I certainly don't have her talent. She could see a dress in a store, do a quick drawing of it and come home to stitch it up. I don't have the patience for cross-stitching and just don't have the desire to learn knitting or crocheting.

At one point, I played the flute and I love just about all things associated with music. My choir practices start up again in September. I can't WAIT!

I am looking for hobbies to do in the evenings after the house work is done and the kid is in bed. I am looking a hobby that won't necessarily take me out of the house but has the possibility of expanding my social base. I would love for it to be fairly inexpensive.

What are some interesting things you do with your down time?

Good Morning! WW

2011-08-31T09:20:00.000-04:00

Good Morning!
My view while having breakfast this morning
Love it!

Check out other Wordless Wednesday participants.

How Many People Can I Confuse?

2011-08-29T13:52:00.000-04:00

Its not random though Tuesday yet but I have lots of little things to share. Remember its just Monday!

*****

We came home last night around 9 pm. The power finally came back on and I wanted MY bed. Jakes wasn't happy about leaving the hotel but he packed up and came home with me. Dad, ESM and Kathy stayed the night at the hotel.

*****

The Compound survived nicely. There was minimal flooding, mainly in the storm cellar. The Fire Department came over and pumped it out because without power, the sump pump wouldn't work. They were pretty busy yesterday with de-watering assignments around the township.

*****

I thought my anchor buoy had gotten taken away in the storm but it turned up at the top of the steps last night. YAY! I worked very hard to steal that one and wasn't looking forward to having to steal another one.

*****

Jakes is going tomorrow for his 24-hour EEG. We've postponed it twice this summer and since school starts next week, we have to get it done this time.

*****

My friend from AZ flew out right before the hurricane and when he flew into Phoenix, there was a dust storm. He has all the luck! While we didn't spend as much time together as I would have wanted, he had lots of friends that he hasn't seen in over a year to catch up with. He and I talk every day (usually) and I was just out there in May. Next time he comes East, he'll be able to stay longer and we'll spend more time together.

*****

JF and I actually had a civil conversation, via Text message this weekend. He was worried about us having to evacuate. He wasn't mean or demanding, just wanted to make sure we got out and where we would be. And this is not the first civil communication we've had recently. I've even said please and thank you to him about schedule changes. I'm a little scared!!!!

*****

The new cat, Shadow and Saylors stayed at the house while we were gone. I thought they would bond and become better friends. WRONG! Saylors is still growling at Shadow. Shadow on the other hand just wants to be friends.

Remember to check out the other random-ness out in bloggy world!

The Aftermath

2011-08-28T10:14:00.002-04:00

I am sitting safe and dry in my hotel room on Sunday after Irene blew through the area. She has flooded many areas of my county. They have only just removed the order for everyone to stay off the roads. OEM still doesn't want you to be on the roads but if you must, you can be.

We left the house yesterday at 3 pm. Jakes, Jaxon, Kathy and her dogs, Dad and EMS and myself all gathered our important stuff and headed for higher ground. Our newest neighbors, Melanie and John stayed behind. Not 20 minutes after we left than Mel messaged me that the electric was out. We had good timing for leaving! The electric was off and on all night long, more off than on. Its off right now.

At the hotel, we all got settled and then gathered in Dad and ESM's room for dinner. I had cooked a chicken, ESM brought hot dogs and mac N cheese. Kathy brought chocolate stuff for desert. Our three dogs actually got along very well, which doesn't happen at home. We had a great time listening to Dad's fire police radio at the chaos happening in the county. And the storm wasn't even really here by then!

After dinner, Jakes, Jaxon and I went back to our room to relax for the evening. By 10:30 the storm was raging outside and the bathroom was leaking. YIKES! The front desk brought rags and buckets to catch the water. There are no open rooms to switch us to because everyone evacuated. We met our neighbors here at breakfast!

I was checking the weather channel and facebook to see what was left. Irene hit for the second time in Little Egg Inlet, NJ. This is a little town 90 miles almost directly EAST of my town. We were SO close to the center of the storm! That's a bit scary and I'm glad I didn't know it before it happened. I think if I realized how close the eye of the storm was going to be, I would have paniced.

I imagine we were fortunate that the storm had decreased in strength so much more than when it hit NC earlier. We are waiting for the next high tide, which will be even higher after the storm, with all the run-off. We are waiting for power to come back on so that we have drinking water at home. I have to go back and get clothes for work on Monday.

All in all, I know I made the right decision to leave. I was torn on whether to leave or not. Part of me was scared to be there during the storm and part of me wanted to be there to see the excitement. But I had to think of my child and animals. I did the smart thing.

Hurricanes

2011-08-26T10:52:00.002-04:00

This storm is freaking me out. Its the first time in all my life we've been advised to evacuate. Dad's not going but then he's on the second floor. They are predicting 4-7 foot storm surge in the Delaware Bay and I live on the Delaware River. With a Marsh on the other side.

The Marsh is what always floods. It flooded yesterday at high tide from all the storms and rain.

I don't know what to do. Stay or Go? And if I go, then I have to find somewhere that takes animals. And mouthy tweens. That might be harder to find.

If I go, what do I take? How do I protect what I don't take? I don't like to have to make these decisions!

I'm off to charge my iPad, iPhone and eReader. I have to help Dad batten down his decks and the rest of the yard and then at low tide, make some sand bags just in case. I am cooking up a storm (not literally!) so I have food to eat if we loose power. The cooler is washed and ready to go, there is a bag of ice in the freezer. I've started collecting containers of water for drinking and I expect there will be plenty of water outside to dip a bucket into for flushing of the toilet. I have candles and batteries. I have the animal cages ready to go, if necessary.

I am considering putting my car at a friends house, just to be safe. But what if I need to leave....

Anyway, I hope and pray that everyone else in the path of Irene stays safe!

UPDATE: We decided to leave after the township ordered an evacuation of my road, plus others. I will be taking the Dog, the Cat and my friend from AZ with me. I'm gathering up pictures and important papers and packing the kid off to his Dad's for the weekend. We will be safe and I'll check in as soon as I can!

Jakes Vacation

2011-08-22T11:10:00.001-04:00

So, I'm a little scared at the moment. While Jakes was on vacation with his Dad, they shared a couple of pictures with me of what they did during the week. There are two things that amazed me about this. First, he sent pictures. Second, he DID stuff with Jakes.

Fishing

Our little county has been hit pretty hard with storms over the past week or so. Lots of rain, fast and hard, making it difficult to run off without washing out roads and bridges. We've lost 3 little bridges and there are still several roads closed due to undermining. There are estimates of $5.5 million in damages and that's just to roads and doesn't include private properties.

All this rain and flooding left the fields where Jakes does riding lessons a mess and lessons were canceled. So JF and Jakes went fishing instead. Sounds like a good deal to me!

Jakes has been bugging me to take him to Joe's Crab Shack or Red Lobster. I haven't had the time or the money. But his Dad took him to a place where they had King Crab Legs and Jakes was a Happy Boy. Here's the picture his dad sent to me.

He Ate Them ALL!

I'm working today and part of tomorrow, taking Jakes for a hearing test and after-surgery follow up, then I'm off the rest of the week to spend with my friend from AZ. We're planning a trip to the beach. Should be FUN!

have a great week everyone!

Splits-ville

2011-08-18T09:48:00.000-04:00

I'm outta here for a few days. I've got a friend coming to visit and I don't know how much time I'll want to spend in front of the computer. I'm taking some time off work and plan to do some relaxing!

Tah-tah for now!

Summer Scenes WW

2011-08-17T09:26:00.000-04:00

Roadside scenes in the summer

Are Dandelions Weeds or Flowers?

2011-08-16T11:28:00.000-04:00

Most people think of dandelions as weeds and do everything they can to rid their yards of them in the springtime. But if you were to drive by a field covered in a sea of yellow dandelions waving in the summer breeze, wouldn't you think this is beautiful? I know I would. And it would all be a matter of perspective.

Sometimes we allow other people to determine what we see as weeds and what we see as flowers. I know that I have a propensity to see weeds in everything, I see parts of my life as such struggle. But there are others in my life that see me as an amazing woman to be able to do such wonderful things with my life.

I tend to see my struggles with my AS, ADHD tween as a huge struggle and view ~~all most~~ some of my actions and reactions with him as near failure. (weeds) I compare my mothering skills with my memories of my mother (who was a saint in my memories!) and see so much lacking in my skills. I consider that Jakes and I need so much outside help a failure.

My BFF's, Neicy and Kimber, see ME as Wonder Woman. As the ultimate mother who does such amazing things with her child. Things that they cannot imagine having to do and believe they wouldn't be able to do. (Flowers)

To me - its just another day in my life.

I have been trying to change my way of thinking about my struggles with Jakes and our life. I have been trying to concentrate on the good things. Like his being all hug-y and hanging on me before he left for vacation with his father. I think he was missing me before he even left.

My life should be filled with dandelions and other flowers. I AM an amazing person, mother, daughter, friend, sister. I am Wonder Woman.

Now where's my golden tiara?

Introducing.........

2011-08-15T10:40:00.000-04:00

We have a new family member!

Shadow

He's a Love Bug! I rescued him from a friends garage.

I don't know how old he is, I'm guessing under a year.

He needs to have his eye checked by the Dr.

Jakes LOVES him and was disappointed that he had to leave for his dads almost as soon as we brought Shadow home.

The other 4-legged kids are still adjusting to Shadow. In time, they will all be curled up together.

Welcome to the Nest, Shadow!

Finally Friday

2011-08-12T12:37:00.000-04:00

Its Finally Friday! This has been a long week. I think its the first week this summer that I have worked all week, didn't have to take time off for Jakes Drs appointments! Wooho! No appointments for him next week either cause he'll be at his dads!

Yes, another vacation week for me. His father is picking him up sometime on Saturday for the week. Peace and quiet will reign in my house! Gotta love vacation time.

I'm a little scared because JF has said that he will take Jakes to riding lessons on Wednesday AND he asked to have Jakes for an extra weekend. um, that's never happened before. I hope it keeps happening. I hope JF is going to start including Jakes in his life.

This week is our county fair. I've managed to avoid it so far. I am going to get stuck going tonight though. They are having the antique tractor pulls tonight and Jakes wants to go. So, I'll take him and a book. Usually I am very interested in wandering around the fair grounds but this year it just isn't holding any interest for me. Oh well, I have a book I've been wanting to read so this will be a good time.

Jakes has a new obsession and its making me crazy. Aspergers kids usually have a subject that they are passionate about and learn every little detail about. Then when they are nervous or scared, they can call upon this knowledge to comfort them and bored the crap out of everyone around them. His obsession, you ask. Well, he is naming trucks as we drive along. He sees a Peterbuilt (or whatever the make of the truck is) and recites everything he knows about it along with how many are at his dad's work place. He does this for every truck we see on our drives. And if he sees multiples, I get to hear the same facts again and again and again. Makes me want to hide in the trunk when we are on a road trip. I suppose I should be grateful he's moved on from Thomas the Tank Trains. At least trucks can be considered more age appropriate.

I am looking forward to the end of next week. My friend from AZ is coming for a visit. Its going to be nice to have an adult close to my age around to have fun with! I almost want to wish away next week so he'll get here sooner but I don't want to miss my Jakes-free time. Its a hard choice!

Well, I guess I have to get back to work. I have a grant that is due in a couple of weeks but I have about 7 tech manuals and white papers to read to educate myself on the content. Time to sleep!

Have a wonderful weekend!

Free Speech But What About the Kids?

2011-08-11T11:59:00.000-04:00

There has been lots of talk on the Internet about the father who created a blog where he bashed his ex-wife. He thought it was anonymous but the ex-wife found it and supposedly shared it with the kids.

This is not going to be another blog protesting what he did, she did or the judge ordered. I am going to turn this to be about ME. Its MY blog after all...... Where I try to learn and grow into a better person.

This situation is one that made me go "hummmmmmmm" because I blog, somewhat anonymously and I take my Ex to task for what I perceive as bad parenting, inhumane actions on his part, and so much more. I know Jakes knows about my blog, but I seriously doubt he reads it. Only because I know how I have the net nanny set up on our computer and I strictly monitor his time on the internet.

I wouldn't have a problem if JF found the website and read what I wrote. I mean, he might even learn how to be a better parent to Jakes.

I definitely would hate to have Jakes read some of the stuff that I write about his father. I try not to bash his father when Jakes can hear (I'm not perfect though). Jakes loves his father and just because I don't doesn't give ME the right to ruin Jakes image or relationship with his father. If Jakes was being hurt, physically or mental, by his father, that's a different story. But Jakes loves his dad so I try to respect that.

My blog is about things, good and bad, in my life as a form of therapy. I have not really given thought to being "found out" here in my nest. I share my links on my personal facebook page, I know that I am friends with people who are friends of JF, who could easily report back to him what I am saying.

After reading all the hoopla created around the psycho website, I am going to think more carefully of what I say about JF, not because I care what he thinks or if he reads it. I am going to be more careful for my kids' sake. He already has enough to deal with in his life, Aspergers, ADHD, Puberty, divorced parents. He doesn't need me bashing his father in public just because I don't like him or agree with JF's life choices.

My life has been about putting Jakes first. This is another way that I will do that.

Wordless Wednesday - Choices

2011-08-10T09:00:00.000-04:00

Some Choices are SO HARD to make.....

Merciful or Not? Am I Ready?

2011-08-08T16:32:00.000-04:00

Over the weekend I read Betsy from My Five Men when she guest posted to Chicken Scratchings: Life with Autism and was so moved by her description of what Autism means to her. If you don't read Betsy, she has 4 boys and her teenage triplets are autistic. I have read Betsy almost from my blogging beginnings. She is so calm and serene in her description of life with triplets, let alone triplets with autism. I wish I had her peace of mind to help deal with my single Asperger's tween.

In her post, Betsy described some differences in her boys and how she and her husband cope with day to day living. Each boy has different puzzle pieces that Betsy and her family are working each day to put together.

Betsy talked about the hand that God played in her life with her boys. She doesn't believe God gave her boys autism, she does believe that he knew it would happen, allowed it to happen and has given her the tools necessary to cope with it. She has great faith and courage to ask for Him for strength and grace to be able to face each and every day.

Where's this post going, you ask? Keep reading. I'm getting there.

I wasn't raised in a religious home, meaning we didn't attend church services, we didn't pray before meals or bedtime. That doesn't mean that I don't believe in God or His powers. In fact, I have not had a good relationship or view of God for a very long time. In fact, you could say I've been angry with God.

Why, you ask. I grew up thinking that God was merciful and would protect us from bad things, like cancer. Mom was diagnosed with cancer for the first time right before my senior prom. She came home from her first surgery just in time for my pre-prom festivities.

Fast forward a few years. She was diagnosed with cancer the second time right before my wedding. She was so sick and couldn't do much to help with the planning. She couldn't make my wedding dress like we planned all my teenage years. She suffered and fought this ugly disease for another 3 years, not making much progress.

Finally, when I was 5 months pregnant, she was put on Hospice to finish out her days in peace. During my pregnancy, all I wanted was Mom to be able to help me shop for the baby stuff, to plan my baby shower, to make beautiful baby clothes, to be happy for me and to look forward to the birth of her first grandchild.

But she was sick. And depressed. And miserable. I remember one night, she called me and said she wanted to die. I think I had some contractions that night. I wasn't ready to loose my mommy. I hadn't accepted the fact that she was going to die yet.

Then she died three days before Jakes was born. She never got to meet him, hold him, kiss him. I know she loved him. I know she keeps watch over us.

So, there are my selfish reasons for being angry with God. My theory (not necessarily a good one) is that if He were merciful, He would have given me at least ONE milestone that wasn't overshadowed by this horrible disease.

PLUS, Mom was in tremendous pain. The cancer started in her colon but metastasized to her sacral nerve. She lost control of one foot and had shooting pain down her butt and leg all the time. Pain meds only dulled the pain, never took it away completely.

My other theory (again, not necessarily a good one) is that if he were merciful, He wouldn't have let Mom linger so long in such pain before taking her to heaven.

All of these things combined to make me very angry with God. Praying to Him didn't and still doesn’t feel "right". Asking Him for help and guidance with Jakes didn't and still doesn't feel "appropriate".

As I said earlier, religion never played a huge part in my life so it didn't seem like an issue that I had to deal with immediately. Reading Betsy's post has made me question if my life would be so stressful if I were able to put my trust in God and ask for His help. Is it possible that with His help, would I be able to see the bigger picture, not worry so much over the small things and be content with life as it is?

Betsy points out to me that no one is promised a carefree life, life is full of ugliness, hurt and hardships. But if I had a better relationship; trust in God, would my hardships seem less significant? Would I have more strength and grace to deal with the hardships in my life?

And the biggest question I have is: Am I ready to trust in God once again?

Unconditional Love

2011-08-04T15:15:00.000-04:00

I started thinking about unconditional love because a friend on facebook frequently posts about how much she loves her daughter. She is so eloquent in her posts that I can see the love flowing from her heart toward her daughter, even through the computer screen. She describes her love for her daughter as "love you to the moon and back". So sweet!

Every parent has unconditional love for their child. Even me for Jakes, even when he's driving me crazy! And we all express it differently. My friend can say it and I've seen her kiss and hug all over her. She has no problem with showing her unconditional love. Me on the other hand, I tell Jakes I love him and ask for hugs and kisses from him. But I don't usually proclaim my love to all my friends and family on facebook.

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with how either of us share our love for our children. Its just a matter of how comfortable we are with the various ways of sharing. I love reading her posts of love for her daughter. It makes me smile and warms my heart. It also reminds me that I really do love my child. Even when he's being a big pain in the butt.

Thanks, Kris. You're amazing in so many ways!