She's a Butterfly

The end of the year is typically when people take a look back at the year just past to reminisce, review old goals, and to make new goals and resolutions for the coming year. That’s just what I spent this evening doing.

I’ve had a busy year, one with ups and downs, I have had my struggles with Jakes and his father, I’ve had worries over my job, my father and money. I have had to learn about a new illness with Jakes, surgery for Jakes, and his schooling. I have struggled with the hardest decision of MY LIFE, what to do about Jakes.

I have had many good things happen in my life this year. I’ve solidified my friendship with AZ, traveled twice to visit with him. We spent time together exploring his corner of the country and we’ll make a cross country trip in the spring to bring him home.

I have spent many wonderful hours visiting with my parents and other members of The Compound, who I am forever grateful to have in my life.

I have wonderful friends who have listened to me whine and cry over my life, friends who I hold close in my heart and would give anything for. I have held friends hands through break-ups, loss of loved ones and marriages.

When I went back to my 2011 New Years post, I found that I didn’t make any specific resolutions. I just wanted to find peace in my home, which I did. I know that I did the right thing for Jakes. He is doing well in school and at his dad’s. He and I are getting along better one on one. I have peace in my home.

For this New Year of 2012, I want to keep this peace in my home while at the same time expanding my horizons. I want to learn more about ME as a person. I know that I am a wonderful mother and daughter. This year will be about finding who I am and being more comfortable with me, myself, and I.

I want to find my wings. I want to see the colors of my wings as I learn to fly. I want to love my life and for everyone to know it. I have the strength to fly and my wings will never touch the ground.

She’s a Butterfly

Martina McBride

She remembers when she first got her wings

And how she opened up that day

she learned to sing

Then the colors came, erased the

 black and white

And her whole world changed

when she realized

She's a butterfly, pretty as the crimson sky

Nothing's ever gonna bring her down

And everywhere she goes

Everybody knows she's so glad to be alive

She's a butterfly

Like the purest light in a darkened world

So much hope inside such a lovely girl

You should see her fly, it's almost magical

It makes you want to cry, she's so beautiful

God bless the butterfly,

give her the strength to fly

Never let her wings touch the ground

God bless the butterfly,

give her strength to fly

Never let her wings touch the ground

Christmas Week

I have a full house this week.  Jakes, Jaxon and the three kitties are all home.  This morning Jakes and Jaxon were rough housing and there just wasn't enough room in the room for all of us. 

I have talked with my Dr about getting off my anti-depression medications.  With Jakes out of the house and the stress of dealing with him lower, I think I can handle life without the help of medication.  I am the type of person that doesn't want to take any medication if its not necessary. I will take it if I need it.  I will wean myself off the meds and if I don't feel like I can handle life, I will go back up on the dosage.  But I'd like to try to get off them if possible.  There is the chance that I'm not ready yet.  I will be smart about this decision and see what happens.

When I told my family that I was going to come off the "happy pills", their first reaction was to make sure I was waiting until after the new year, after Jakes went home after this week.  I am glad that I listened to them about waiting a week.

My Boys
Can you stay upset at those faces?

Tonight we went to dinner with our neighbors and I was reminded why Jakes lives with his Dad.  I was kicking around the idea of having Jakes come and stay with me for the summer but after tonight, I don't think so.  We'll have to see when summer gets closer.

I am enjoying having Jakes here in a way but I have also gotten used to being on my own with just the animals.  So having him here is an adjustment for both of us.  Friday will be here before we know it!

Christmas Haul

Merry Christmas!  I hope your celebrations were as wonderful as mine!  Its been a lovely time.



Isn't he cute?



Especially when you open him up to reveal this....
Thank you Janet!

 

My parents arrived in Armpit, Iowa safely.  Daddy sent me an email about an hour after they arrived of ESM holding her newest great grandchild.  It didn't take her long to get him in her arms!  I haven't heard from them recently so I know that they are enjoying themselves.

I picked Jakes up on Sunday afternoon and he tore into his presents.  I bought him a laser that shines red and green swirly dots all over his room that he LOVES.  "its the best present ever, mom!" he shouted.  I have plans to take him to the movies while he's with me.  He'll go back to his dad's on Friday and over the weekend, I'll take down Christmas.

After lunch today, I took Jakes over to Mam and Pop-pop's to visit for Christmas.  His father was unhappy with where the family had planned to spend Christmas Eve so Jakes wouldn't get to see his other grandparents. Since I have to work just today, he called and they were thrilled to get to spend time with Jakes.

After today, I am off work for the rest of the year!  Woo ho!  I don't have firm plans for New Years Eve yet.  Still looking around for something cheap to do.    Any suggestions?

Apps

Every year since Jakes was little, we tracked Santa on NORAD.com.  It helped to get him to bed early.  This year, I downloaded the FREE NORAD app for my phone so I can track him by myself, since Jakes will be with his dad.  Jakes will be tracking him from the computer at his dads and hopefully we can text too.

My parents are heading to Armpit, Iowa for Christmas.  Its my first Christmas EVER without my Daddy.  I'm going to miss them.  But I'm also adult enough to know I have to share with the rest of the family.  I've had 30+ Christmases with my parents.  My step-brother, not so many.

While I was showing my parents the Santa Tracker App, ESM asked if there was an App to track them while they were traveling across the country.  Me and Daddy just looked at each other then back at her and brust out laughing.  She was SERIOUS, though.

I told her I have the perfect app for tracking them on their trip.  When I wanted to know where they were, I'd text Daddy or her and say, "Are you there yet?"

Wrap Me Up - WW

Kitters is Ready For Christmas

Life Without Jakes

Yes, its lonely, especially in the evening after work.  But I seem to find things to fill my hours.  Yes, there have been nights when I have gone straight to bed after work.  But there have been lots of nights when I've stayed up until midnight watching movies.

I have spent time with girlfriends for dinner and Rita's.  Gone shopping with ESM. AND of course, there was my 2 week vacation to AZ.  Life is not perfect, money is tight, but I am happier with my life.  I look forward to going home where there is peace finally.  I look forward to seeing Jakes when its my time.  I get excited when he texts or emails me.  I mean, I literally bounce in my chair when I hear the special tone assigned to his texts!

BlueViolet from A Nut in a Nutshell has made several comments on my posts recently about how happy I sound.  I am happy!  There are still changes and improvements I want to make to my life, but life is a work in progress.  You have to have dreams and goals in order to live.  And I have both.

I worked hard to make things between Jakes and I better.  I did everything within my power but it was not to be.  I am accepting that its not a failure on my part as a mother.  I am trying to change my way of thinking to be that maybe I wasn't meant to be a full-time mother to a male tween.  Jakes has needs that I cannot provide for right now.  That doesn't mean I have failed him, because I recognized that he has needs that I cannot provide to him.  I have set him free to have his needs fulfilled by his father.  I am still a big part of Jakes life and always will be.  He is my son, no matter what form of parenting I provide to him.

Damn, I almost sound healthy, don't I?  Scary!!!!!!  Since Halloween, there has been more laughter than tears in my house.  That's the way it should be.

Per our agreement, I get Jakes almost every weekend and so far, they have been good ones.  I like spending time with my kid, even if its just sitting watching movies and stuff.  This past weekend, we went to dinner and Wal-mart in MD. I met one of his teachers while there.  She was very nice and had good things to say about Jakes.  On Saturday, we went to riding lessons, cleaned out the storm cellar, and baked cookies.  In the evening, we snuggled up and watched movies.  Sunday, we sat around watching movies and being silly.

I actually liked hanging out with my kid!  Its been a long time since that's happened.

We have hit some bumps in the road, with Jakes wanting to control the visitation and his father allowing it.  Jakes and I talked and came up with a plan to work out the visitation.  We'll see how it goes.

Jakes says he's happy at his dad's.  He's passing all his classes at school and is growing like a WEED!  He's talker than me already!  YIKES!

I personally, am so much less stressed without Jakes around all the time. Without the arguing and the head-butting, we get along better.  He texts me almost every day, even though he said he doesn't want me to text him everyday.  But he starts it!

After all the soul searching, counseling, and agonizing, I am realizing that Jakes living with his dad has been a good thing for both of us.  I love and LIKE my kid again. 

Its Sick! WW

The Big 'puter is sick.  I'm making due with the little 'puter.

Random Thoughts on a Tuesday

I seem to be doing posts that just list my random/scattered thoughts.  I don't seem to be thinking anything profound enough to warrant its own post. hmmmmmm  maybe is time to put my thinking cap on and see what I can come up with later this week........

Exciting News:  AZ is going to move back to Jersey!  Happy Dance!  I don't know that he's moving back to be with me, just that he's tired of being alone out there and he has friends and family here.  I am excited that we'll be on the same coast and should be able to spend more time together, even as just friends.  If nothing else, I see a cross country ride in the spring for me! 

AZ has been through the ringer out there.  Loss of a wonderful friend and life partner.  His health problems.  Job problems.  He's just very lonely and depressed.  He needs to be surrounded by his friends and family and take time to heal.

This past weekend, I did end up with Jakes spending the night with me.  Happy Dance!  I had to take a friend back to Salisbury, Maryland and asked Jakes if he wanted to ride with us.  I figured, I'd have company on the ride home.  Win-win, for me!  I stopped over his house Saturday night to pick him up and he spent the night!  It was a good visit.  Lots of hugs and kisses from him and Jaxon went WILD over Jakes being home!

We got lost on the way down and a ride that should have taken 2 hours, was then 3 1/2.  I had planned this trip with enough time that I could be home to get ready for the Christmas Concert in the afternoon.  With getting lost and then sitting in traffic around the mall, I completely missed the concert on Sunday.

Jakes and I did have a chat about his visits with me. I told him that for now, I'd like him to consider his full weekends with me to be mandatory.  I know that in time, he will have friends to be with and places better than mom to go so I want as much time with him NOW as I can get.  I told him that we could work out and change up the other weekends as necessary.  I also told him that changes to visits would be made through his father but that Jakes could have a say in whether he comes to see me or not.  I have realized that he is getting older and should be able to have a say in his schedule within reason.  I told him that I want to see him as much as I possibly can but I'm trying to accept that he is growing up.  Jakes seemed ok with all this.  Progress!

I've made plans to meet friends for Rita's afterwork today!  I haven't chatted with them since before vacation.  Its going to be a good day!

Scattered Stuff

Its Friday!  Woo ho!  I'd be doing a happy dance but I pulled a muscle in my hip/thigh area yesterday getting the Christmas decorations out.  Maybe I'm not supposed to have Christmas at my house this year??? 

Still haven't heard from Jakes.  I sent him two messages yesterday and he never responded.  So I think he's still upset with me.  I'll send him another one this afternoon when he's out of school to see if he wants to come see me and everyone else this weekend.  I'm not holding my breath though....  Teenagers!

My Choir is singing their holiday concert this weekend.  With everything going on with Jakes and my vacation to AZ, I dropped out of singing with them this time.  I have missed singing and the friendships I had there.  I will be at the concerts, I will be collecting the ticket money.  So I will still be there to support my choir!  I know its going to be a lovely concert!

What kind of present do you get for a wonderful woman who has everything she wants or can get whatever she wants?  I'm at a loss as to what to get Ms. Kathy for Christmas.  She and I will be at the Compound my ourselves this year so I really should try to get her something good.  She loves ice cream and chocolate.  This summer she bought me an ice cream maker so that I could keep her supplied with ice cream, which I do.  Before I left for vacation, I had to make sure she was stocked!

Lately, I've been messing up at my job.  I completely missed a deadline for 3 applications.  Fortunately, no one else applied for the funding and they are re-issuing the application.  I'm checking everyday to make sure I don't miss it this time!  AND yesterday, my boss told me that an application that I submitted before vacation was incomplete and not eligible for funding.  WTH?  I looked through my copy and everything seems to be there.  I have a call into the funder to see if I can just submit what is missing or if we have to apply all over again.

My boss doesn't seem too upset with me.  I'm upset with me.  I can't believe I'm messing up so badly!  Where is my brain?

I'm off to put my brain in order and get some stuff completed.  Have a wonderful weekend!

Christmas Spirit

I am really lacking the Christmas Spirit this year.  I don't have the energy to dig out the decorations and the tree.  I don't want to shop for presents.  I haven't started my Christmas cookies.  I just don't want to do it.

My Daddy and ESM will be going to Iowa for Christmas with my step-brother and his family.  This will be my first Christmas day without my Daddy EVER.  We've always had Christmas breakfast together, at his home before Jakes was born and then at my house.  I'm going to miss them this year.

Jakes was supposed to come to stay with me for the week between Christmas and New Years but yesterday he got mad at me and demanded that I give him his way or he wasn't going to come to stay after Christmas.  He said he'd come on Christmas day for his presents and then go home. HA!

This is because I want him to stay with me for this weekend and he only wants to see me for dinner on Friday.  He's picked out a place for us to have dinner on Friday and that's all he wants.  When I told him no, he started making demands and ordering me to do it his way.

I told him that until he can speak nicely to me, I wasn't going to text or see him.  We'll see how long it takes him to text me.  I just want to run away.

I thought that with Jakes living away from me, we'd have a better relationship.  Apparently, he still thinks he calls the shots with me.   I don't know what to do.  Do I stick to my guns and wait for him to contact me and risk loosing him completely?  Or do I give in to his demands just to keep him in my life?  Either way its a fight that I don't know if I can win.  His father is backing him all the way, feeding him with things to say, poisoning him against me.  I just want to run away.

Is AZ calling? lol

Charma

There is a saying that you will get back times 3 what you put out in the world.  And Carma's a b*tch.

In my dealing with JF (AH) I have always tried to be fair, honest and most importantly law abiding.  He on the other hand has done everything sneaky and underhanded and bold faced lying to try and get his way.  Whenever we've been in court, he lies through his teeth and the judge grants most of my requests.  The ones not granted are ones that I've thrown in there just to have something of mine denied.

I've always said that he'd get his come-upence one of these days.  His come-upence for all the lies and deceit and just plain stupidity.

Well, Carma made an appearance to him this week!  And I've spent the afternoon giggling over it! And its going to hit him where it hurts, the wallet!  Giggle! Giggle!

I probably shouldn't get so much enjoyment out of this but I can't help it.  After all the aggravation JF's given me over the years, he deserves a taste of his own medicine!

The Humdrum

Well, its back to the humdrum of life.  I've had several vacations in the past couple of weeks and enjoyed every minute!  My trip to AZ for Thanksgiving was very nice and relaxing.  It was great to spend time with AZ.

We saw a couple of movies, cooked Thanksgiving Dinner together, watched movies at home and did some shopping for him.  It was so nice to feel like a part of a "couple".  Everyone, from wait-staff to cashiers thought we were a couple and its something I've missed.  I really enjoyed that feeling.  Having someone open doors for me, rest their hand on the small of my back to guide me, a shoulder to lean on in the movies, someone to snuggle with on the couch while watching TV.  Someone to fight over the check at the end of the meal, to open the wine and keep my glass filled.

The trip to OCMD with my girls was really wonderful and refreshing in a different way from my trip to AZ.  We have a special bond that doesn't fade over the year that we are not together.  I am hopeful that we'll be able to continue to make the journey there for many more years to come.

The humdrum life kicked in first thing yesterday with notice of a grant annoucement that was released last Monday, while I was on vacation.  Its due 12/6 at 2:00 pm.  YIKES!  I got to typing and emailed the people I needed other information from to complete the application.   I was able to get most of it compiled by lunchtime.  I don't think I will be taking extended vacations in October, November or early December in the future.  Its just not worth the interruptions on vacation or the headache of coming back to a quick deadline.

I have no food in the house.  Of course, who would leave a full refrigerator for two weeks?  So I have to go shopping for food and other stuff. 

Jaxon is thrilled to have me home again.  He was such a spoiled little thing upstairs with the G-parents but Momma is still the best!

I can't wait for the weekend when I get Jakes and we can see about getting the Christmas decorations out and up.  I also have the choir Christmas Concert to attend on Saturday and Sunday.  I am hoping to make Christmas cookies with Jakes this weekend as well.  We'll have to prioritze what gets done first.

Laundry and housecleaning are also on the list.  How can the house get dirty while you're away?  I came home and had to mop and vacuum the floors.  Dusting and scrubbing the bathroom are also high up on the list.  I have cookbooks to make for Christmas presents.  So my evenings will be filled with lots of good projects, in addition to tossing the ball down the hallway for Jaxon.

Bring on the HumDrum!

Spirit Renewal

Everyone has their own way of renewing their spirits.  Some do it every week with a visit to their church and the spirituality there.  My way?  Well, I have several.  I try to meditate when things are stressful.  I curl up with a good book.  I SING!  I have a girls night with Neicy or Kimber.

My Favorite way to renew my spirit is to get together with my Girls at the beach for the first weekend in December every year.  We go to Ocean City, MD for the weekend.  There is shopping, laughter, sharing and caring, and good food!  I have been going for this weekend for about 18 years, Mom and I started going together.  This year, 7 of us made the trip to be together.  ESM, Kathy, Sherry, Bonnie, Judy, Dolores and myself. 

All of us didn't hang together the entire weekend.  That's the good thing about the weekend, we can hang together or not.  We come together in the evening and gossip and catch up on our lives since the past year.  I had a LOT to share.  And they were all supportive of my decisions as well.

Sunday morning came and we had to part for another year.  We've made plans to get together on Martin Luther King Day for lunch at Wegmans and then high tea at Judy's house.

How do you renew your spirit?  Do you have a special group of friends to gather with as I do?

Tears and happiness

Why does leaving have to be so hard? Why am I so conflicted about leaving? I need a tissue. Or several!

I let down my walls this week. Walls that I've had up for a very long time. I know he struggled to keep his walls up too. I hope he was more successful so he's not feeling as crappy as I do right now.

See we have a history. One that goes WAY back. I'm not going to say how far because I'm not that old, really. I broke his heart so long ago (I'm a b*tch) and it's taken us many years to come back together.

Are we destined to have a second chance at happiness? It doesn't look like it right now. Families, careers, illness and distance are keeping us apart at this time. Neither of us is able or willing to make the huge sacrifice to be together. We are both putting others and careers ahead of a chance at happiness together.

When I left, it seemed the right decision. But now with the ache in my chest and the tears falling I have to wonder if its the wrong decision.