Deep Thinking

JF has been quite the a$$ lately. I was putting it down to something I did about a bill from the divorce six years ago that set him off again. After an argument this weekend something he said has me thinking that he is resenting that he has to raise his son now.

We were arguing over the fact that he was coming to get Jakes before the court ordered time, once again he's cutting my time with Jakes short. And since it was a wonderful weekend with jakes, I didn't want it to end before it had to.

In one of his text messages back to me, he called me a deadbeat and said that I threw Jakes out. For a short time after getting that text, I did beat myself up for not being a good enough mother to keep my child, to find a way to make things work between Jakes and I. JF certainly knows how to push my buttons to bring me down a notch or two in the self-esteem scale. And even as I write these thoughts, I still wish there was some way for me to be a better mother to Jakes, be the mother who CAN deal with him on a daily basis and make things work. I think only God and Neicy know how badly I want to be that mother. It's just not in the cards right now. Sniff.................

Back to being a deadbeat.....

I'd love to know how he thinks I'm being a deadbeat.... I'm paying my child support and my share of the medical bills. I get Jakes as often as the court order lets me and even ask for extra time, if there is something going with the family that I want to include Jakes in. When I have Jakes, I take him to riding lessons and we do fun things. This weekend, we played on the sandbar, rescued a crab pot, fished and had a cookout. Jakes left here hugging me, saying he had a wonderful weekend with lots of great memories. Me too, kid. Me too!

Yet, I threw my kid out. Hummmmmmm. Yeah, I guess you could say that I did. But not after trying therapies, medication, mentoring, me learning about his diagnoses and ways to work through them. Not until after hours, days, and months of soul searching to make the heart wrenching decision that maybe I couldn't be the mother that jakes needs. But because a$$hat wouldn't respond to my emails about what I was doing with jakes, because he wouldn't come to therapy sessions or even answer the phone when the therapist called him, he didn't know everything that was going on in my house.

To the end of my days, I will always ask myself and wonder if I did enough, the right things to be the mother my child needed.

Now that JF has Jakes on a full time basis, I think he's seeing a lot of the behaviors that I struggled with and they are not the perfectly happy family he thought they would be. He has to take time off work for drs appointments, make arrangements for summer camp, work with the school for his IEP and make sure jakes does homework and all that good stuff.  He has to put someone other than himself first and JF doesn't like that.

If he thinks that I threw Jakes out, that's on him. I will remind myself all that I did to save my relationship with my child and the improvement it took when he moved out.  I just hope that a$$hat isn't tell Jakes that I didn't want him.  I wanted him to stay with me more than almost anything.  But most of all I wanted what was best for my child.  And while it breaks my heart, I also realize that right now, Jakes needs this time with his "father."