Tug of War

This tickles me!

Its a little dark and you have to listen to Jakes encouraging his favorite dog to win!

Grass Stains - WW

How do you get grass stains from a dog?



Jaxon had a great day playing outside!




My dirty dog!



Tuesday Tidbits

I'm traveling today so I have just a few minutes to catch up with you.  I have to go to two different offices today to conduct meetings.  With my bosses there.  Should be interesting.


I need to find the new prescription for glasses that the eye dr gave me.  He said I didn't need the new script yet but he filled it out with the new measurements anyway.  I think I need it now.  sigh...... Just another reminder that my birthday is next week.



Jakes and I had a wonderful weekend!  It started out rough, with him getting upset over anything I would say to him.  He would have his temper tantrums in his bedroom or outside and I let him.  Finally, when he was a little calmer, I mentioned to him that he seemed super sensitive to me and my words.  He thought about it and seemed to get a new attitude (a better one!).  We had some silliness and snuggled to watch a movie and spent time with the gparents.  It was a great weekend!



AZ and I are working on things.  He's trying to be more affectionate and involved in "us".  I am finding that I have a lack of trust in him and his use of his medications.  I have been quick to accuse him of things that weren't him.  Getting that Trust back will take time.  All of this will take time.



I have started a wonderful project in the kitchen!  I will share it with you when its done.  I'm tapping into my inner-Martha!



AZ and I are looking to put in a little garden for the summer.  We need to borrow a tiller to break the ground.  We were talking this morning about how my mom and his dad had wonderful huge gardens while we were growing up.  Good memories.



Time to wrap this up and read through the meeting minutes from the last meeting with the staff.  Gotta be prepared!  Have a wonderful Tuesday.

A Comfort

When AZ and I talked recently about our lives together, I had only two questions for him.  He answered both of them for me. BUT, I don't know if I liked the answers he gave.  His answer to my first question is something that has to be shown over time so I'm still waiting.

My second question to him was why he didn't want me to leave.  Why does he want me around?  He doesn't seem to show that he wants me there, but then its hard to show that when you're face-planted on the couch all the time.

He said that having me here is a comfort to him. hmmmm....  do I WANT to be a comfort to someone?  Sure. 

But I also want to be MORE that just a comfort.  I want to be someone's passion, someone's happiness, someone's life.  I want someone who will share life with me, go places with me, ask me to go places with him, touch, hug, tickle and more, be strong for me when I need and let me be strong for him.

Its not wrong for me to want more out of my partner and life.  And I've proven that I can find ways of getting more out of my life.  I have hit bottom and pulled myself back into the land of the living.  Part of me feels as though I'm being pulled back into that pit by my relationship with AZ.

I guess a question I have to figure out is how long am I willing to wait for "more" from AZ.  But who knows if he even is capable of giving more.  He's been hurt badly in the recent past and can't seem to get past it.  Doesn't even seem to want to move on.  He's moved around physically but he's still on that couch and depressed. 

When we talked, he expressed an interest in talking to a professional about the things from AZ.  I suggested my therapist but also understand if he doesn't want to talk to her.  I did talk to my therapist and got a recommendation of a place that takes his insurance and I gave him the information to make an appointment.  But that was over a week ago and he hasn't called.

I haven't shared this with AZ because I am still pondering these things.

Then I think I should just settle for what I have and make the best of it.  I mean I spent 5 years alone after the divorce.  I didn't date but I was also busy dealing with Jakes and his Aspergers.  NOW, I'm not married, Jakes is living with his father and doing wonderfully.  What do I know about dating and everything that goes with it? Maybe staying would be easier.

For now, I will try to make the best of the living situation but at the same time, set myself up financially to be able to move out should I decide or if things go back to crap.

I'm A Jersey Girl

I'm a Jersey Girl and it was proven this weekend.  I can't pump gas into my car.  See in Jersey, its illegal for the customer to pump their own gas and I've never done it regularly.  I know the basics of HOW to do it but putting it into practice isn't always the easiest.

This weekend, I filled up right before I got to Sis's house.  We stopped at the end of the Garden State Parkway and filled up.  Then we drove a couple hundred miles north, into Self Service territory!

My car gets really good gas mileage and I didn't think we'd have to stop until we got to the Garden State Parkway on the way home.  But 95 South through Connecticut is SO long and lonely.  We were about 30 miles outside New York City when I decided we'd better stop for gas.  We might have made it but I didn't want to be the car stuck on the Tapanzzee Bridge blocking traffic.

I pulled into the gas station (on the right side to fill up!) and looked for instructions.  Nothing. Ok.  Let's stick the credit card in and see what happens.  Most of the screen was out and I couldn't read what it wanted.  I tried putting in an amount to pump.  Wrong.  I pulled the nozzle out but couldn't see how I was to let the pump know what grade I wanted. 

Ok.  Don't be a man about this, ask for help.  There was someone in the booth and they walked me step by step through process.  Gas FINALLY started into my starving car! 

I ended the transaction but couldn't get a receipt to print.  Nice.  A little maintenance would be nice for us Jersey Girls.

Sis and I continued on and finally made it back to the land of Full Service.  I gave the attendant an extra special "Thank you" when he finished filling up my baby.

There is one thing Jersey is good for!

Graveyards

I don't know why but old graveyards fascinate me.  When I was in Massachusetts on the Holy Cross campus, there was a lovely old one on the grounds and I couldn't resist exploring!

It was a COLD walk, with spring coming I'd been enjoying some warmer temperatures but going just a few hours north, the air was colder and there was snow on the ground. At least it was on the ground and not the roads!

The graveyard had stones with dates in the early 1700's.  Some were so weather worn I couldn't make out a date.  Seeing the dates reminded me that people settled in this area long before they ventured south to my home area.  I wish I had more time and freedom to explore Easton, MA more.  Maybe someday I'll head back to share it with Jakes.

I couldn't make out what this one says.

There was a marker on one that was from the War of 1812.  I thought that was pretty neat!

It was a small graveyard but with lots of character

Time and weather takes a toll.

I had a lovely brisk walk about the church campus and took a bunch of wonderful pictures.

Retreat

This weekend was lovely!  It was relaxing and peaceful.  The drive up to Massachusetts was uneventful and smooth.  We didn't get lost once!  But that could be because Sis has this AWESOME memory.  She was at this retreat house once before and while she wasn't confident in her memory.  When we were in the area, she recognized things and with the help of the GPS, we arrived at the Retreat house without incident.

The Church

We settled into our rooms to wait for the others to arrive and the party to start.

My Room
NO Wifi AND   No TV!

Sis's wonderful memory provided us with dinner at 99, which was around the corner from the Retreat House.  There was Wifi there!  YAY!  Gave me a chance to check email and let my facbook family know I'd made it safe.

After dinner, the retreat started.  There were 44 women there for spiritual guidance through their recovery from their addiction.  Sis gave her talk, there was a pizza party and candlelight  walk.  Sis and I went to bed before the walk, its amazing how tired driving makes you!

On Saturday, there was a full schedule of meetings and discussions.  Sis gave two more lectures which were enlightening and entertaining.  I knew she would be a fabulous speaker, she is just a fabulous person in life and I knew that would come out in her lectures.

In the afternoon, I took a walk around the campus.  The Holy Cross campus was huge!  And it butted up to Stonehill College Campus which was massive!  Sis and I drove around and checked that out.

The Fathers house

Holy Cross Chapel

The Retreat House

They provided our meals and they were super yummy!  And the volunteer staff who served us were wonderful!  Saturdays dinner was kick a$$ meatloaf with killer gravy!  Mouthwatering!

While the group discussions and the "cult" atmosphere wasn't my cup of tea (I'm not in recovery and didn't "get" some of what the women had been through) I could see the good that was being done for the women who were participating.

On Sunday we woke up to a nice sunny day, had breakfast, Sis gave one more lecture and we were off!  We had another uneventful smooth trip home.

I came home to a clean house, laundry done (except for what I had with me), a wiggly dog, tons of email, and My Own Bed.  I took Monday off work so that I could have all day to get settled in and organized for work this week.  Back on track!

Home

I'm home! It was a fun weekend and I'll share details later. Spending a relaxing morning in bed before I have to face reality.

Over the Bridge

I'm taking my favorite Nun on a trip this weekend!  We're heading to MA where she's giving a retreat.  Sister Anne is a wonderful person!  She epitimizes everything a nun should be, without the ruler!

Sis celebrated her jubilee (50 years as a nun) a couple of years ago and it was a party!

I'm anticipating some adventures for us and will share the stories!

Have a fabulous weekend!

Let's Talk Ex's

Yes, this has the potential to be an exciting topic!  So many people these days have ex wives or husbands, some have both! lol 

I can't use my relationship with my ex as an example because of the past abuse and the ignorance of my ex.  I know that we should be able to communicate about Jakes at the very least, but for some reason my ex is STILL angry with me over the divorce.  It doesn't matter that he was the one cheating and wanted out, he's still blaming me for everything.  It doesn't matter that he's re-married and moved on, he's still angry with me.  He won't even work with me to co-parent Jakes, which is a shame because there are times when Jakes still needs the both of us to be on the same page.

SO!  I turn to you for information about what may be considered "acceptable" in dealing with an ex.  Let me give you some background on where this is coming from.

AZ's ex lives nearby, doesn't have a car, job or custody of their kid.  Yet, she is always calling AZ to take her places, loan her money, give her food for the kid to eat when he stays over there and is just generally a pain in the a$$ about using AZ.  It usually pisses AZ off and there are days that he ignores her, which isn't easy when she blows up the phone 10-15 times an hour, then she switches to another phone when she realizes he's screening her calls.  To AZ sometimes its just easier to give her what she wants so she just goes away. Until the next time.

I hate it.  I LOATHE when she calls and its not about JR. I know that they have JR together and they should communicate about him and work together to co-parent.  I have made it QUITE clear to AZ how much I hate when he runs her all over the place.

The last time, he made plans to take her to the grocery store, just to give her a ride, but he wasn't going to sit in the truck.  They were going to walk the aisles together.  Really?  When he got home that day, I told him we needed to go to the store; that's when he told me about giving her a ride.  I flat out said, I am NOT going shopping with your Ex.  EVER.

So he postponed her.  She called while we were in the store to see where he was.  He was planning to take her AFTER we were done.  I was LIVID!  And he didn't understand why.  REALLY?

So, my question to you, am I being unreasonable?  Should I be more charitable toward her since she doesn't have a job, car or the kid and not be so pissed off about him driving her all over the county?  What's your relationship with an ex?

Tug of War - WW



Jaxon and Oscar love Tug of War
BTW - that's a Monkey Puppet they are fighting over



Teaching

Since we're finally back to riding lessons, Jakes wants to spend as much time at the Farm as possible. I don't blame him as its something he loves and is good at.  So imagine how happy he was when Jill texted to ask if he could stay until 1 on Saturday.

An old picture of Jakes on Pumpkin

She explained she had a new student starting, who was about Jakes age and supposedly has trouble making friends.  He loves horses (like Jakes) and Jill thought putting the two together would be a good thing.  And I would never say no to Jill with all she does for Jakes.

Jakes greeted the new kid (NK) and Jill got him up on Pumpkin.  Jakes led the horse to the practice ring they were using and followed Jill's instructions.  Jakes was encouraging to NK and yelled at me for bring Jaxon back to the ring.  Silly boy.

One of FOUR big doggies at Jill's and Jaxon
her dogs are SO gentle!

When the lesson was done, Jakes worked with NK to teach him to unsaddle pumpkin.  Jakes showed NK what needed to be done and allowed NK to do it.  He did help NK with the saddle, I don't think NK was ready for the weight.  They went together to put the saddle in the tack shack.  Then Jakes got the brushes out and showed NK how to brush the horse.  And the let NK do the brushing. 

I was SO proud of Jakes for teaching and not just doing.  While they were doing, they chatted about Pumpkin and his likes and dislikes; about horses and how they like to roll in the dirt. NK had lots of questions and wanted to learn.

My kid is doing so much lately to make his momma proud!  He's growing into a wonderful young man!

Oh SO Wrong!

Apparently, I was WRONG.  AZ wasn't telling me to get out, he wants me to stay actually.  I took his words in the wrong context, or so he says.

More talking was going on in my house on Sunday.  AZ told me that he doesn't want me to leave and he wants to make this work.  I was very blunt with him in my dissatisfaction with the relationship.

When I told him he has a problem with the pills, he didn't agree nor did he deny it.  I told him I cannot live life for the two weeks when he's low on medications.  He did admit to dropping the ball on making appropriate appointments for the other things that keep him on the couch.  I complained that he doesn't even look for a job anymore and I don't bother pointing opportunities to him because I don't want to be disappointed when he doesn't make an effort to apply.

I don't want him to "be" in the relationship only when I have a tempertantrum.  I don't want to be this b*tch of a person in order to get him to realize how his actions are affecting our lives.  I shouldn't have to be a b*tch in order for him to want to be in this life. All of this shouldn't be THIS HARD.

I said all this to him.  What we didn't touch on was his relationship with his ex-wife and sex.  These are very touchy subjects and need to be addressed but the ones that we did address seemed to be more important. 

I drew a line in the sand and he crossed it.  I said to myself, the next time he spends time face planted on the couch, I was done.

When we were done talking, I went into my room and cried some more.  I don't know what I want to do about leaving or staying.  I deserve more, deserve better and that is out there waiting for me.  But there is still a part of me that thinks it might also be right here still.  Hope sucks.

Here We Go A-Wallowing

Do you know the song about wassailing at Christmas time? Imagine that tune In your head when you read the title of this post. It fits.

A while back I posted about being a flip flop in my relationship with AZ. When I posted, things seemed to be improving. Then AZ went to the drs for a refill. Back to the couch and the stupor.

When I talked to him about it, he got angry with me and blamed other things in his life. I'm not accepting the excuses because he's had a long time to start the process for taking care of these things and he hasn't. Always an excuse and then back to the couch.

During this discussion he told me to feel free to pack and leave. No problem. I'm done anyway. While I love this house, neither of us can afford to keep it without the other, although he seems to think he will do it. Have to see what the landlord thinks of THAT idea and also if I can leave before the end of the lease.

There has been so much in this relationship that didn't make me happy. AZ didn't like to go out, not that we have a lot of money for it but when I'd get an invite to a friends house (mind you this friend went to high school with us) he wouldn't go.

He wasn't involved in the relationship; wouldn't even ask about my day; would sleep most nights on the couch (which should tell you about the level of intimacy in our lives). He considered the fact that he would put dishes away, pull something out for ME to cook for dinner and do laundry once a week to be something fabulous. I'm the one who cleaned the bathroom, swept the floors, dusted and did poop-patrol in the yard. And that's after working all week. If he was working, I don't think it would bother me as much.

I'm done with AZ.

I can't think of anything I've done wrong or should have done differently. (maybe called a halt to the relationship sooner) I think I have been very supportive and encouraging. Maybe too much.

For a couple of days, (until Monday), I am going to wallow in the failure of this relationship. Everything that ends deserves a period of grieving.

On Monday (unless the landlord won't allow it) I will start the search to find a place to move to, probably a one bedroom to save on money for now. I'll have to see what's out there.

I haven't thought about how life is going to be if I have to stay there until June. Fortunately, my parents have a second bedroom and have offered it to me for as much as I want and they accept doggies!

I'm not worried about being single. Been there, done that and am looking forward to the adventure! Want to come along?

CraftsmanShip

My Mom was crafty, oh so crafty!  She could create anything she wanted with fabric.  We would go to the Mall and she would sketch something, go home and the next day I would have it.  She made Halloween costume, baby clothes and even cabbage patch kids! We had planned for her to make my wedding dress but she was just too sick.  She did make a beautiful christening dress that all her descentents will be christened in, starting with Jakes.

My Mom got the crafty genes from her father, only he worked with Wood.  He could build anything he put his mind to.  He built the house my mother grew up in.  There were so many lovely touches to it.  There was a central house vac; all you had to do was plug the hose into the wall socket, not dragging a canister out and about.  There was a laundry shoot that went from the third floor to the basement where the machines were.  No excuses not to have your clothes down there, just drop them on down.

I remember Granddaddy coming to stay with us once.  He was converting the attic into a sewing room for Mom.  He'd already done the first half of the house, making a bedroom and half bath for my parents.

When converting the attic, there were sloping walls that would have been wasted space, no one over three feet would have been able to stand.  So Granddaddy built dressers in that space.  All along one wall there was dressers for Mom to store fabrics or whatever she needed.  The other wall, he framed in and behind there was a cubby hole for storing the Christmas decorations and such.  As the piest de resistance, he built a table that was waist high and 4 x 4 foot square.  It had to be built IN the room.  I don't remember how we got it out of there after Mom passed.

I know Granddaddy made lots of things over the years.  After building the house, furniture was needed.  So he built a bedroom suit.  A double bed frame, two twin bed frames, a chest of drawers, a dresser and a night stand.  There was also a matching crib that my mom and her siblings slept in.

When my grandparents passed, I inherited the bedroom suit.  When I was preggers with Jakes, I got the crib but the bars were too far apart for today's standards and the Ex neven finished modifying it in time for Jakes to use it.

My granddaddy knew how to build things to last.



Nigth Stand



chest of drawers



Dresser
Beautiful craftsmanship!



The other night I was sitting on my bed wallowing cause I've got a cold when the bed suddenly collapsed under me!  YIKES!  After moving the matress and box spring, this is what I found:

the siderail broke off leaving no where for the brace to rest

OOPS!

Fortunately, AZ was able to screw the piece back on and he checked all the other ones and reinforced them as well.  Hopefully, the bed is secure for another 45 years or more.

Spoiled - WW



someone thinks they are human



Hello? Is anybody here? Just some Tidbits

Where does the time go?  I didn't think it had been so long since I checked in with ya'll!

Been livin' life.  Not much improvements to talk about.  Just waiting out my time until I have to make a decision.

Jakes sent over a picture of his middle of the marking period grades and I just want to say I am one proud Momma!  He's doing so well!  All A's and B's.  Just one C and that's in English where there is so much writing and he doesn't like that!  He's working on it though!

Just finished a Federal Application for work and while it took a LOT of reading (boring reading), I think it came out pretty good!  My bosses and other proof readers seem to be impressed with my work.  Fingers crossed that we get awarded the much needed funding!  Now onto reading the Mental Health Regulations for the state so I can write policies to get all the offices licensed.

Daddy received a commendation from the County Fire Police Association.  He's been a part of them for over 5 years now and they did a lovely job of recognizing him and others at their annual dinner. So proud of my Daddy!



We finally got back to riding lessons!  Its been either too cold or too wet and rainy since January for lessons.  We're hoping the weather stays clear so he can go back again this weekend.  The horses missed all the kids!



In a couple of weekends I am going to insure my place in Heaven.  I'm taking Sister Anne (she works with me and is an angel!) to a retreat in Massachusetts.  We'll be up around Stone Hill College so if you know of any good places to eat or just to sight see, let me know!  Also say a prayer for good weather on the drive up.