Goals

Everyone has goals. They may be what you want to be when you grow up.  They may be how many kids you want, where you want to live, and there are so many more to chose from.

Goals give you a reason to get up in the morning.  Goals are something to work toward, something to look forward to each day.

My goals for a long time have been to just get out of bed and make sure I get through the day.  Now that I don't have anyone dying in my life, its time to set some goals for myself.  But where to start?  What do I want to change about my life?  Or maybe we should start with the basics, like making sure my life is organized and I can do what I want.

So first to list the things that are wrong with my life.  Getting out of bed is getting easier each day, so that's not a big goal to worry about.

Now while I was dragging myself out of bed, I didn't take care of everything I should have.  Like the housework, the car maintenance and the bills.  The housework I can get caught up on, gradually.  The car is scheduled to go for an oil change and fluid check next week.

The bills are another matter.  For the past 8 months or so, I've only paid the bills in order to keep things from being shut off. Mind you I paid the rent and the car / insurance payments, but everything else got put off.  So now I need to buckle down and get those things caught up.  Sigh.  

How did I get myself in this situation?  Depression.  So as I dig myself out of depression, I have to dig myself out of debt.  One step at a time. Or in this case, one payday at a time.

And while I am digging out, I will take the time to figure out what other goals I need in my life.  Some have to be fun ones, while some may involve making big changes in my life.  But for now, I will get myself out of bed and dug out of debt.

Here We Go A-Wallowing

Do you know the song about wassailing at Christmas time? Imagine that tune In your head when you read the title of this post. It fits.

A while back I posted about being a flip flop in my relationship with AZ. When I posted, things seemed to be improving. Then AZ went to the drs for a refill. Back to the couch and the stupor.

When I talked to him about it, he got angry with me and blamed other things in his life. I'm not accepting the excuses because he's had a long time to start the process for taking care of these things and he hasn't. Always an excuse and then back to the couch.

During this discussion he told me to feel free to pack and leave. No problem. I'm done anyway. While I love this house, neither of us can afford to keep it without the other, although he seems to think he will do it. Have to see what the landlord thinks of THAT idea and also if I can leave before the end of the lease.

There has been so much in this relationship that didn't make me happy. AZ didn't like to go out, not that we have a lot of money for it but when I'd get an invite to a friends house (mind you this friend went to high school with us) he wouldn't go.

He wasn't involved in the relationship; wouldn't even ask about my day; would sleep most nights on the couch (which should tell you about the level of intimacy in our lives). He considered the fact that he would put dishes away, pull something out for ME to cook for dinner and do laundry once a week to be something fabulous. I'm the one who cleaned the bathroom, swept the floors, dusted and did poop-patrol in the yard. And that's after working all week. If he was working, I don't think it would bother me as much.

I'm done with AZ.

I can't think of anything I've done wrong or should have done differently. (maybe called a halt to the relationship sooner) I think I have been very supportive and encouraging. Maybe too much.

For a couple of days, (until Monday), I am going to wallow in the failure of this relationship. Everything that ends deserves a period of grieving.

On Monday (unless the landlord won't allow it) I will start the search to find a place to move to, probably a one bedroom to save on money for now. I'll have to see what's out there.

I haven't thought about how life is going to be if I have to stay there until June. Fortunately, my parents have a second bedroom and have offered it to me for as much as I want and they accept doggies!

I'm not worried about being single. Been there, done that and am looking forward to the adventure! Want to come along?

Change - A Theme Thursday Post

On the ride home from the airport this past December, I was noticing things that had changed in my little corner of the world.  That set me to wondering if I would have taken the time to notice them had I been around the entire time.

The first thing I noticed was how frail my Daddy looked when he got out of the truck.  He was so skinny and even bent over a little bit.  He didn't even try to help me put my suitcase in the trunk, which is unusual for this gentleman who still opens car doors for ESM. But on the other hand, I was happy that he wasn't trying to do anything that would stress his already over-stressed heart.  I'm very proud that he's finding his limits and is trying to stick to them.

On the ride home, the highway part didn't look to be changed too much.  There were new areas of construction and such.

When we got off the highway and into my hometown area, there were so many things that stood out to me.  There had been a fire that destroyed a building.  It stood empty, blackened, and haunted.

The farmers had been busy with harvesting the soy beans and corn crops.  Once the fields were clear, they harrowed and tilled them.  The fields had turned from dead and deserted to a rich brown waiting to start the growing process again.  You could smell the clean, tilled dirt.  That is a smell that I will always associate with spring.

The biggest change I noticed was in Jakes when I picked him up the following weekend.  I think he grew 5 inches!  He is looking so mature and tall.

We rode through town on the way home and there weren't many changes there.  People were starting to put up their Christmas decorations and such.  Even though there weren't many changes, my eyes had been opened to the possibility of more changes.  Time away from your home does open your eyes and mind to see home as a new place.  Its good to get away for vacation but its also very good to come home.