Goals

Everyone has goals. They may be what you want to be when you grow up.  They may be how many kids you want, where you want to live, and there are so many more to chose from.

Goals give you a reason to get up in the morning.  Goals are something to work toward, something to look forward to each day.

My goals for a long time have been to just get out of bed and make sure I get through the day.  Now that I don't have anyone dying in my life, its time to set some goals for myself.  But where to start?  What do I want to change about my life?  Or maybe we should start with the basics, like making sure my life is organized and I can do what I want.

So first to list the things that are wrong with my life.  Getting out of bed is getting easier each day, so that's not a big goal to worry about.

Now while I was dragging myself out of bed, I didn't take care of everything I should have.  Like the housework, the car maintenance and the bills.  The housework I can get caught up on, gradually.  The car is scheduled to go for an oil change and fluid check next week.

The bills are another matter.  For the past 8 months or so, I've only paid the bills in order to keep things from being shut off. Mind you I paid the rent and the car / insurance payments, but everything else got put off.  So now I need to buckle down and get those things caught up.  Sigh.  

How did I get myself in this situation?  Depression.  So as I dig myself out of depression, I have to dig myself out of debt.  One step at a time. Or in this case, one payday at a time.

And while I am digging out, I will take the time to figure out what other goals I need in my life.  Some have to be fun ones, while some may involve making big changes in my life.  But for now, I will get myself out of bed and dug out of debt.

Stages of Grief

Lets talk stages of grief.  I think I have moved through most of them. Most of them I experienced before Dad actually passed.  I am writing this out more for myself, to document how I think I am doing.

Denial and Isolation.

I don't know that I ever denied that he was going to die from this latest illness.  I knew the prognosis from the beginning and that they were giving him "palliative" care.  Just trying to make him comfortable and see if they could prolong his life.

I know Dad was in denial because he said he was going to beat this one too.  Okay.  Good for you, it helps to have a positive attitude.  But that also lead to ESM and him not being ready for his passing when it happened.

I did isolate myself from things, people and friends for a while, processing the diagnosis and trying to come to terms with it.  I also was trying to build up my strength for the battle I knew was coming.

Anger.

I don't know that I have ever lost my anger at this disease that has taken both of my parents from me.  I hated the disease and how it affected Mom and the rest of the family 15 years ago, and I hate it still for the presence it has maintained in my life since. I will probably hate it for the rest of my life.

I am angry that this disease has taken BOTH my parents from me long before I was ready to see them go.

Bargaining.

I didn't bargain with Dad and his illness.  I knew what to expect from watching Mom fight.  I made my bargains during Mom's illness and it didn't work.  I knew from Dad's diagnosis that it would only be a matter of time.  Once the disease gets to a certain point, its only a matter of time.  Early detection is key!  Remember that!

At this point I wouldn't bargain for Dad to be alive today.  I would only want him with us if he could be healthy and whole. And since that can't happen, he's where he needs to be.  At peace.

Depression.

This is a biggy.  I have been stuck here for SO LONG, I am sick of it.  I have been depressed probably since his diagnosis.  And its only been worse since he died.  I want to just pull myself out of it but its hard enough to get out of bed just to go to work, that I don't know that I have the energy to pull myself out of the depression too.

I don't want to be in this stage.  I want to be happy and move on with my life but depression just sucks you in and doesn't let go. Its like being stuck in the marsh mud at low tide.  You have to wait until high tide to comes in and releases you.  Marsh mud is nasty stuff, just like depression.

Acceptance.

I have accepted that Dad has died.  I am okay with that.  I miss him, especially when the car makes a weird noise and I need someone to ask what it might be and what I need to do about it.  I miss him when my snowman blow up lights up but won't blow up.  But I know he's gone and won't be coming back. I know that I will miss him everyday of my life.

So that is where I stand in the stages of grief.  Moving along nicely in some areas but stuck in the mud in others.

Treasures, Trinkets and Junk

While we cleaned out the house, the truck, the camper and every other place Daddy kept stuff, we found lots of junk and a bunch of treasures.  Want to hear what some of the junk was?  Of course you do......

A CASE, mind you an entire CASE of Coban of various sizes and colors.  Coban is like tape they use in the hospital but without the sticky stuff.  It sticks to itself.  I completely understand why Dad had it, any kind of tape tore his skin. But a CASE??  And all different colors??  WOW.

More tools than you can count.  A lot of them the same tool.  He'd forget he had one or couldn't find it and would get another one.  What man doesn't need more tools?

In the camper there was a pack of lights, the kind that you mount on your vehicle when you are a volunteer firefighter or fire police person.  I can understand Dad having those, if he hadn't RETIRED from the fire police a year ago and he couldn't have them on his vehicle anymore.  

There were things that made us go "hmmmmmmmm", things that made us laugh, and things that made us shudder.

The man LOVED Amazon Prime.  lol

Some of the treasures we found were his graduation picture from the Navy.  We displayed that at the funeral.  There are two treasures that I kept; his Police Badge and his 4th of July hat.

Dad wore this hat at 4th of July parties
This year its on top of my Christmas tree

Daddy's badge from when he was a police officer.
I love this!

Lots of treasures, junk and questions while we were cleaning things out.  

But also lots of good memories.

Buck-up B**ch

This is me talking. I am sick of being in my own head.  Sick of the same thoughts running around in my head.  Just sick of being in my head.

I want happy thoughts.  I have a lot in my life to be happy for but I seem to dwell on the sad and unhappy things that have happened in my life.  All that is going to be wiped aside to make room for the happy.

So.  I've told myself its time to Buck-Up Bitch.  Its time for the Big Girl Panties.  Its time to focus on the good in my life.  Its time to have happy thoughts and experiences.

I don't know exactly how I'm going to do it but I will do it. 

But the biggest way I can help myself, is to choose to be happy.   

I choose happiness, in whatever form I can find it. 

Each and Every Day.

New Art Work

I've always been a daddy's girl.

Now I have it in writing.

Daddy's Lil' Girl

sorry its a little blurry

I love it!

I Want to WANT to Sing

I've written before how much I love to sing.  I would sing in the car, in the house and finally I joined a choir and sang with them.

I have loved to sing with them.  They are a wonderful, support group of people who gather together to share their love of music with each other and the community.

I was looking forward to going back to singing in September.  But in September, Dad was getting worse and finally died.  For the first couple of weeks, I looked forward to going to sing.  We were getting ready for our holiday concert and I love Christmas music.

By the third week, I was dreading going out of the house for anything other than work or to see Daddy and Jakes.  Going to singing practice was a chore, a hassle and not something I wanted to do anymore.

After Dad died, I tried to go back to singing.  I've tried to get life back to "normal".  Or the new "normal".

But I still dreaded going to choir practice.  I still dreaded going out of the house other than for work and necessary things.  So I scheduled visits with my therapist and she only had time on the same nights as choir practice.

I miss singing but I still don't feel like singing.  Not in the car, the shower or with the choir.  I will put music on in the car with the intention of singing. I start singing and then stop. I just don't feel like singing.

I want to WANT to sing. But I don't right now.  This is a goal of mine.  I am working toward it.  Some days it feels like I am getting some where. Other days, it feels like I am 15,000 steps behind where I started.

I will sing again, eventually.  One step at a time.

New Hobby

I have a new hobby.  Baking.  Anything sweet and yummy.  Check out some of my creations.

Apple Stuffed Cream Cheese CupCakes

Yummy Vanilla Cake with Chocolate Frosting

Gingerbread Reindeer cookies

I'm having fun and making some money too!