We All Like A Quickie

Thanks for the prayers and good thoughts for Daddy.  Since he doesn't go for his ultrasound until Monday morning, I am assuming its not a life threatening situation.  I have to assume if it was, he'd be in hospital strapped to a bed.

I fully know that its irrational for me to feel guilty for having moved away.  And its not like I'm across the country, just the next town over and we would still go to the same hospital so I could be there likity splitity.  Actually, he would probably be taken to the hospital in Delaware and I am closer to DE so I would probably beat him and the ambulance there!

I know that I am allowed to live my life, that its normal for me to live away from my parents.  Its just going to take getting used to.  I mean for 4 years, I was right there in all the business.  Its only been three weeks since we moved out.  Its an adjustment for all of us.

So, while I will try not to worry about daddy until the results are in there's not much chance that I won't.  I've also forbidden myself to talk to Dr. Google about it.  Let's hope I can keep to it!

Tomorrow is BEACH day!  Woo ho!  No iPad, just my eReader and several good books.  And of course great company, Janet and crew!

Disappointed & Discouraged

This weekend left me disappointed and discouraged with myself.  It was a horrid weekend with Jakes.  We started Friday with an argument.  We weren't even back on the highway when I was asking him if he'd like to go back to his dad's for the weekend.  10 minutes in the car and we were arguing already.

Things didn't get much better the rest of the weekend.  I get sick and tired of him contradicting me and telling me I'm wrong.  What should be a simple conversation with him, turns into an argument.  And that's even when I refuse to argue with him.  Then he gets mad at me for not speaking to him.

The final straw on Sunday was when he was arguing with me over the fact that his father is right about the visitation schedule.  It didn't matter what I said or showed him on the calendar, his father was right according to Jakes.  So not only was Jakes arguing with me, he was taking his fathers side of the argument.  And getting loud over it.

I just got tired of being demeaned by my son.  I got tired of feeling like I did when I was married, nothing I said was correct, nothing I did was right, and he (my son) talked to me like I was stupid.  One of the biggest reasons I divorced was because I was tired of the verbal and emotional abuse.  I will not take that same abuse from my child.

I called his father and told him to come and get Jakes immediately, which thankfully he did.

But this lead me to tears.  What kind of a mother can't even handle her child for 2 days each week? I sent my child to live with his father in the hopes that I will be able to have a better relationship with him but that seems to be hit and miss.  I realize with the aspergers, Jakes is not going to be a normal moody teen.  But with that realization, shouldn't I be better prepared to deal with him and his moods?  And since I only have him for 2 days a week, shouldn't I have more patience to be able to stand being with him?

I am disappointed in myself.  I am the adult in this situation, I am the one who should be able to deal with him and his arguments.  I know that he is going to argue with me and try to control me.  But I let him get to me.  I let him push my buttons.  I let him have that power over me.  I know better.

I am discouraged that things don't seem to be changing between Jakes and myself.  Yes, we don't fight physically anymore but that's because all he does is sit and watch TV.  We do argue verbally over things, usually me being wrong.  This move to his Dad's was supposed to be better for both of us.  Yes, there have been improvements but there are still lots of discouraging things between us.

This coming weekend is supposed to be my weekend off from Jakes and I think I will enjoy it.  Right now, I don't want to talk to him or see him.  What kind of mother doesn't want her child?

Mommy-hood Guilt

*** This week Jakes is with his dad and it gives me lots of down time and time to think about things in my life.  And to hopefully figure somethings about my life out. ***

My Mother was a wonderful woman.  She was great at everything she did.  She was a loving wife and mother, she kept the house, sewed beautifully as well as grew fabulous vegetables in her garden.  Mom was a stay at home mom and was there for everything my brother and I needed.  She was the healer, the disciplinarian, the inspiration, the cheerleader, the taxi driver.

My brother was the slug, the one who would prefer to sit and watch TV all day long.  I was the adventurer, the one to climb trees and jump off chicken coop roofs.  I was the cheerleader, the one active in 4-H and other clubs.  I was the headstrong one that challenged my mothers authority. Many, many times my mother said "I hope you have one just like you!" to me when she was exasperated.   My mom lived to be a wife and mother.

Through it all, the love shared with Dad, the raising of the children, the lean years, the teen years, and finally her illness, she was never mean, negative or seemed to struggle with anything.  I can only remember her crying once and that was because Dad lost his job.  They worked through that and they were stronger than ever.

I am constantly comparing myself to Mom.  How she was as a wife and mother and wishing I had half her skills at both.  When my marriage was failing, I held on and fought to make it work for many reasons but one was because I was afraid of what Mom's opinion would be if I failed.  (mom had passed several years before my marriage failed.)  Mom and Dad (and most of my friends) didn't want me to marry him, they saw him for the crap that he was, but I was blinded.

I know that I am not as good a mother as she was.  I don't have the patience for being a mom.  When I am struggling with Jakes and his behaviors, I try to think how Mom would have handled it.  And I fear I don't measure up to her expectations.  In my head I know that I am not my mother, that I am a completely different person than she is, that I have been raised in a different time.  Mom was raised with the expectation that she would marry, stay home and take care of the husband, babies and the house.

I was raised knowing that I would have a career outside of the home and I would have to work with my significant other to care for any children we would have together.

It doesn't always stop the guilt and expectations I place on myself.  I don't think I will ever stop comparing myself to my mother and her skills as a wife and mother.  I just have to find a way to not allow the guilt to paralyze me when I am living my own life.

I am ME and I have to do things differently from Mom.  I have to hope and pray that she would be proud of how I am living my life and raising my son.