She's a Butterfly

The end of the year is typically when people take a look back at the year just past to reminisce, review old goals, and to make new goals and resolutions for the coming year. That’s just what I spent this evening doing.

I’ve had a busy year, one with ups and downs, I have had my struggles with Jakes and his father, I’ve had worries over my job, my father and money. I have had to learn about a new illness with Jakes, surgery for Jakes, and his schooling. I have struggled with the hardest decision of MY LIFE, what to do about Jakes.

I have had many good things happen in my life this year. I’ve solidified my friendship with AZ, traveled twice to visit with him. We spent time together exploring his corner of the country and we’ll make a cross country trip in the spring to bring him home.

I have spent many wonderful hours visiting with my parents and other members of The Compound, who I am forever grateful to have in my life.

I have wonderful friends who have listened to me whine and cry over my life, friends who I hold close in my heart and would give anything for. I have held friends hands through break-ups, loss of loved ones and marriages.

When I went back to my 2011 New Years post, I found that I didn’t make any specific resolutions. I just wanted to find peace in my home, which I did. I know that I did the right thing for Jakes. He is doing well in school and at his dad’s. He and I are getting along better one on one. I have peace in my home.

For this New Year of 2012, I want to keep this peace in my home while at the same time expanding my horizons. I want to learn more about ME as a person. I know that I am a wonderful mother and daughter. This year will be about finding who I am and being more comfortable with me, myself, and I.

I want to find my wings. I want to see the colors of my wings as I learn to fly. I want to love my life and for everyone to know it. I have the strength to fly and my wings will never touch the ground.

She’s a Butterfly

Martina McBride

She remembers when she first got her wings

And how she opened up that day

she learned to sing

Then the colors came, erased the

 black and white

And her whole world changed

when she realized

She's a butterfly, pretty as the crimson sky

Nothing's ever gonna bring her down

And everywhere she goes

Everybody knows she's so glad to be alive

She's a butterfly

Like the purest light in a darkened world

So much hope inside such a lovely girl

You should see her fly, it's almost magical

It makes you want to cry, she's so beautiful

God bless the butterfly,

give her the strength to fly

Never let her wings touch the ground

God bless the butterfly,

give her strength to fly

Never let her wings touch the ground

Christmas Week

I have a full house this week.  Jakes, Jaxon and the three kitties are all home.  This morning Jakes and Jaxon were rough housing and there just wasn't enough room in the room for all of us. 

I have talked with my Dr about getting off my anti-depression medications.  With Jakes out of the house and the stress of dealing with him lower, I think I can handle life without the help of medication.  I am the type of person that doesn't want to take any medication if its not necessary. I will take it if I need it.  I will wean myself off the meds and if I don't feel like I can handle life, I will go back up on the dosage.  But I'd like to try to get off them if possible.  There is the chance that I'm not ready yet.  I will be smart about this decision and see what happens.

When I told my family that I was going to come off the "happy pills", their first reaction was to make sure I was waiting until after the new year, after Jakes went home after this week.  I am glad that I listened to them about waiting a week.

My Boys
Can you stay upset at those faces?

Tonight we went to dinner with our neighbors and I was reminded why Jakes lives with his Dad.  I was kicking around the idea of having Jakes come and stay with me for the summer but after tonight, I don't think so.  We'll have to see when summer gets closer.

I am enjoying having Jakes here in a way but I have also gotten used to being on my own with just the animals.  So having him here is an adjustment for both of us.  Friday will be here before we know it!

Christmas Haul

Merry Christmas!  I hope your celebrations were as wonderful as mine!  Its been a lovely time.



Isn't he cute?



Especially when you open him up to reveal this....
Thank you Janet!

 

My parents arrived in Armpit, Iowa safely.  Daddy sent me an email about an hour after they arrived of ESM holding her newest great grandchild.  It didn't take her long to get him in her arms!  I haven't heard from them recently so I know that they are enjoying themselves.

I picked Jakes up on Sunday afternoon and he tore into his presents.  I bought him a laser that shines red and green swirly dots all over his room that he LOVES.  "its the best present ever, mom!" he shouted.  I have plans to take him to the movies while he's with me.  He'll go back to his dad's on Friday and over the weekend, I'll take down Christmas.

After lunch today, I took Jakes over to Mam and Pop-pop's to visit for Christmas.  His father was unhappy with where the family had planned to spend Christmas Eve so Jakes wouldn't get to see his other grandparents. Since I have to work just today, he called and they were thrilled to get to spend time with Jakes.

After today, I am off work for the rest of the year!  Woo ho!  I don't have firm plans for New Years Eve yet.  Still looking around for something cheap to do.    Any suggestions?

Apps

Every year since Jakes was little, we tracked Santa on NORAD.com.  It helped to get him to bed early.  This year, I downloaded the FREE NORAD app for my phone so I can track him by myself, since Jakes will be with his dad.  Jakes will be tracking him from the computer at his dads and hopefully we can text too.

My parents are heading to Armpit, Iowa for Christmas.  Its my first Christmas EVER without my Daddy.  I'm going to miss them.  But I'm also adult enough to know I have to share with the rest of the family.  I've had 30+ Christmases with my parents.  My step-brother, not so many.

While I was showing my parents the Santa Tracker App, ESM asked if there was an App to track them while they were traveling across the country.  Me and Daddy just looked at each other then back at her and brust out laughing.  She was SERIOUS, though.

I told her I have the perfect app for tracking them on their trip.  When I wanted to know where they were, I'd text Daddy or her and say, "Are you there yet?"

Wrap Me Up - WW

Kitters is Ready For Christmas

Life Without Jakes

Yes, its lonely, especially in the evening after work.  But I seem to find things to fill my hours.  Yes, there have been nights when I have gone straight to bed after work.  But there have been lots of nights when I've stayed up until midnight watching movies.

I have spent time with girlfriends for dinner and Rita's.  Gone shopping with ESM. AND of course, there was my 2 week vacation to AZ.  Life is not perfect, money is tight, but I am happier with my life.  I look forward to going home where there is peace finally.  I look forward to seeing Jakes when its my time.  I get excited when he texts or emails me.  I mean, I literally bounce in my chair when I hear the special tone assigned to his texts!

BlueViolet from A Nut in a Nutshell has made several comments on my posts recently about how happy I sound.  I am happy!  There are still changes and improvements I want to make to my life, but life is a work in progress.  You have to have dreams and goals in order to live.  And I have both.

I worked hard to make things between Jakes and I better.  I did everything within my power but it was not to be.  I am accepting that its not a failure on my part as a mother.  I am trying to change my way of thinking to be that maybe I wasn't meant to be a full-time mother to a male tween.  Jakes has needs that I cannot provide for right now.  That doesn't mean I have failed him, because I recognized that he has needs that I cannot provide to him.  I have set him free to have his needs fulfilled by his father.  I am still a big part of Jakes life and always will be.  He is my son, no matter what form of parenting I provide to him.

Damn, I almost sound healthy, don't I?  Scary!!!!!!  Since Halloween, there has been more laughter than tears in my house.  That's the way it should be.

Per our agreement, I get Jakes almost every weekend and so far, they have been good ones.  I like spending time with my kid, even if its just sitting watching movies and stuff.  This past weekend, we went to dinner and Wal-mart in MD. I met one of his teachers while there.  She was very nice and had good things to say about Jakes.  On Saturday, we went to riding lessons, cleaned out the storm cellar, and baked cookies.  In the evening, we snuggled up and watched movies.  Sunday, we sat around watching movies and being silly.

I actually liked hanging out with my kid!  Its been a long time since that's happened.

We have hit some bumps in the road, with Jakes wanting to control the visitation and his father allowing it.  Jakes and I talked and came up with a plan to work out the visitation.  We'll see how it goes.

Jakes says he's happy at his dad's.  He's passing all his classes at school and is growing like a WEED!  He's talker than me already!  YIKES!

I personally, am so much less stressed without Jakes around all the time. Without the arguing and the head-butting, we get along better.  He texts me almost every day, even though he said he doesn't want me to text him everyday.  But he starts it!

After all the soul searching, counseling, and agonizing, I am realizing that Jakes living with his dad has been a good thing for both of us.  I love and LIKE my kid again. 

Its Sick! WW

The Big 'puter is sick.  I'm making due with the little 'puter.