The Struggle

Jakes and I struggle with a lot of things, a lot of differences in opinions.  One difference in opinion is that I think its perfectly ok to display this picture on my fridge......

Neicy and I after the polar bear plunge one year

Because Jakes doesn't like this picture, I frequently find this:

Or some other magnet covering the picture.



Kinda a cute struggle, huh?

Life Can Be Ugly But There Are Lessons To Be Learned

I have been struggling a lot with ugliness in my life lately. I have talked a lot about Jakes and my struggles with parenting him. Any kid in puberty can be challenging, but add in Aspergers and ADHD into the mix and the struggles can increase. Which they have between Jakes and myself.

My personal life (yes, I consider it different from my parenting life) had taken a turn for the better. I connected with a friend and spent the past several months getting to know him again. Letting myself care for him again, even knowing the complications that could come from caring. I had high hopes for happiness for myself with him.

Over the past weekend, things changed completely. A miracle happened for him, a literal miracle. And you can’t and shouldn’t fight a miracle. And I won’t fight it no matter the heart break for me. He deserves it and has been waiting for this for many months.

A friend on facebook posted this quote from a young lady who endured illness her entire, short life but never lost faith that her life would be good.

“Life is not always fair....It’s full of lessons. Life can get ugly, but even when it’s ugly, there’s good in it.” ~Megan Daddario

While I have spent the past week being miserable about how things in my life have been going, being disappointed and heartbroken, and being ready to just runaway and start over, this young lady never gave up. She endured pain and suffering but never let it get her down. She was always looking for ways to make things better for herself, her family, and the community. No matter how sick she was, she continued her schooling to become a nurse; she worked with local EMS services to help people who needed her.

I need to start thinking as she did and look for the lessons in the ugly of my life.

I have been very fortunate to get tons of services to help with parenting Jakes. In-home therapy services, counseling for myself, medication for me, support groups, and lots of support from everyone. The in-home services are about to end and I will have to work with the therapists to decide where to go from here. Its obvious that we will need further services to continue bringing peace into my home.

I am dedicated to bringing that peace into my home. I am dedicated to making sure that my son gets all the help he needs to be all he can be in life. I am dedicated to giving my son the best in life as possible.

So the lesson for this ugly in my life is that I am and will continue to be the best mom possible for Jakes. There is a reason Jakes was given to me to raise, because with my stubbornness, God knew I’d make sure Jakes gets what he needs.

I am still struggling with the ugly of my personal life a little, its still raw. By caring and sharing with him, I realized what I am missing by being alone for so long. I don’t have someone special to share life’s moments with, to snuggle up and watch TV with, to share my bed. And by coming to care for him, I realized that I really am missing that. And I want that. Very much.

My lesson from my heartbreak is a reminder that I am a lovable person; that I am ready to move on and find someone special to love. My heartbreak gives me hope that I am growing, that I am deserving of love, and that I will find someone to share my love and my life.

Anyone know a single guy age 35-45 who might be interested in a loving, wonderful woman to share life with?

Micro-Managing

For a long time, Jakes and I have been battling. Battling each other over everything, power, control, you name it, its been a battle. Jakes even described things to Albert with a war analogy. I was the enemy that Jakes was fighting but Albert was the good guy who was going to come in and help to end the war. Pretty perceptive of my son, huh? Albert was impressed.

Anyway, I was trying to control everything Jakes would do and how he would do it. Talk about micromanaging. Factor in that Jakes is maturing and growing and doesn’t want or need Mom hanging on his every move or decision. So he’d fight me. And I’d fight back.

I have felt that I am responsible for my child and his behaviors. If he didn’t behave in just the way I thought he should behave, I’d panic and jump on him even more closely. And he’d just as quickly try to pull away from my controlling efforts. Typical power struggle.

Something I am learning from all the therapists and my homework book is that I am not responsible FOR my child. I am responsible TO my child. Weird huh? I am responsible to teach my child appropriate behaviors and actions, through control of my own behaviors and actions. If I am not in control of myself, how can I expect Jakes to be in control of himself?

If I am so busy micromanaging my child’s behaviors, he is not able to learn how to be responsible for his behaviors and actions. He has to be allowed to make his own decisions and choices. He has to be allowed to grow up. By micromanaging him, I was not allowing him the chance to grow and make his own choices. My anxiety over his growing and being wrong, were detrimental in our relationship.

I have had to learn to give Jakes his “space”. Not just his own room, but also the ability to choose when and how he does things such as getting ready for school or his chores. This hasn’t been easy for me. I am a controlling b*tch! Ha-ha!

In giving Jakes his space, I have had the chance to get myself under control and relax a bit. All along, I have been saying how proud I am of joining the choir for ME. Well, by letting go of Jakes a bit, I have done the best thing for ME yet.

Instead of getting up an hour before Jakes does so that I have plenty of time to nag Jakes to get ready, I am sleeping in and letting him get himself together in the mornings. Extra ME time right there. When Jakes gets home after school, he has a list of chores to complete in whatever order he wants and whenever he wants as long as they are completed before he goes to bed. There are things around the house that I don’t have to do! Win-Win for ME!

Don’t get me wrong, Jakes still has rules to follow. But I am trying to learn to give him the chance to make choices, right or wrong. As he learns to make those choices, it is my hope that he will also learn to accept responsibility for his behaviors, take ownership of himself.

I also am growing up. I am taking control of myself and my behaviors as well. As Jakes and I grow up together, we will learn to have a solid, caring relationship that will last many years.