Playing Catch Up...sigh

Yes, I've been missing in the Blog World. I would love to say I've been living my life.  And that would be partially true.  The other part of that is that I've been avoiding things.  Lots of things.  sigh.  And I'm not saying I'm ready to face all of those things but I think I will have a better chance of facing them if I talk about them.  And here is where I talk about them, with honesty.

To bring you up to date:  Jakes and I made up.  Just in time for him to go back to the farm this spring.  For a while, things were good between us.  I limited the time we spent together, only one overnight every other weekend. And some Friday evening dinners.  But then school got out and he wanted to spend more time with me, he's not very happy at his fathers and I am a push over to take him to the farm. sigh.... but more time led to us falling back into our old routine of annoyance and disrespect.  He's been here for a week now, with many blow-ups and arguments.  He also thinks he's coming back next Friday for another week.  And right now, I am not willing to have him.

But as his mother, I'm SUPPOSED to want him around right?  And those feelings have created a lot of guilt and conflict within me.  I have to get over what I think is expected of a mother and accept what I can actually DO in this life with THIS child of mine.  I have to reconcile my heart and my head that I may not be able to be the mother I think is expected of me in this day and age. I  think I spend a lot of time comparing my mothering skills to those of my mother.  She was raising children in a different age and I can't ask her if what I'm feeling is "normal".  See..... I have a lot to reconcile in my heart and my head.  More on this later.

Work is work. Summer is the slow season for me but at the years end, I will be getting busier.  I've also contemplated looking around to change jobs.  Maybe I need something that will engage my mind more.  But then I think about all the vacation days (20 per year plus sick time) and the flexible schedule I have and I chicken out.  The pay is good and its close to home.  sigh.....

I am going to start a part-time job in September.  Nothing that will add stress to my life, weekends only. In a decorating warehouse that's open to the public. I will be a cashier/stock person.

So I have some things on the horizon to look forward to. And some things to work through.  So I'm back to continue with my therapy. I hope you'll join me on my adventures1

Bucket List - Dad's News

Dad's news from the Cancer Dr was good and not so good. They didn't say "let's talk hospice." This time.  They did predict that he should have about 6-9 months to live while taking the chemo.  If he remains healthy enough to get the chemo.  They predicted he'd have about 3-6 months without the chemo. BUT....  Yes isn't there always a but?

But, Dad's cancer markers are going DOWN.  So this means something good is happening inside Dad.  Even when he feels like total crap.

The Dr said Dad is on very powerful drugs, the chemo and the superman shots.  There isn't much that can be done for the side effects that he's experiencing.  Daddy said the chemo doesn't affect him as badly as the superman shots.  The shots just put him flat on his back for a couple of days, even more if he gets them days in a row.

The shots are also affecting Daddy more quickly.  Before he'd make the 45 minute drive both ways, get the shot and be able to get home before experiencing the side effects of the shot.  Now, he's falling asleep about 20 minutes into the drive home.  ESM and I are sharing Daddy's trips over for the shots.

What the cancer dr is recommending is that Dad continue with this round of chemo, which is over at the end of August.  They will do a CAT Scan to see what's going on inside and Daddy will have to make a decision at that time.  I think he wants to fight for as much time as he can get.  I want him to fight too but I don't want him to suffer.

For now, we are at status quo.  Nothing has changed.  But it feels different to me. Maybe because there is a timeline.  We are long past the intermission and are quickly moving to the final act.  I have been enjoying the play up until last September when all this started.

But.  There's that but again.  Its time to put on my big girl panties and stand by my family.  We are in this together, no matter what.

With Attitude

With just getting back from vacation, you'd think I'd be all nice and relaxed but I've been filled with attitude.  Why?  Cause when we got home from vacation, the house was clean, the lawn was mowed and JR was super helpful with getting the camper back in place and unpacked.  I suppose I should have been suspicious that something was up but I wasn't.

I mean I did the same thing when I was his age and had a party where we burned the junkyard down.

Come to find out, JR had a little party while we were gone and one of his wonderful "friends" stole my old iPhone. Supposedly, he's interrogated everyone but no one is copping to taking it.  Why would they? JR has offered me $30 to replace it.

I am SO angry and full of attitude.  AZ asked me what my problem was.  Ummm....  Your KID has once again done something stupid that has affected me.  Yes, it was my old iPhone and I can do everything with my new phone.  But its the principal that it shouldn't have been touched AT ALL.  My first thought after being told was that I was happy we'd taken the new camera and my iPad with us!  Oh and I immediately checked on my jewelry to make sure everything was still there. 

I (we) should not have to feel as though I (we) have to lock things up when we are out of the house.

This is not the first time JR has been involved in injuring me or my stuff.  I've had to put my bike in the shop twice because he has taken it and returned it broken.

The camper has been practically destroyed by JR and his friends.  The inside of the camper was immaculate when we got it.  Now, both mattresses and the dining area seats are full of cigarette burn holes.  There are burns on the counter.  None of which were there before JR and his friends partied in it.  And AZ had to spend TWO days hosing everything down so that we could go away in it.

I have a HUGE problem with JR's lack of boundaries and consequences.  He's been suspended and expelled from school with no consequences, such as being grounded (made to stay home, giving up his cell phone).  He has been suspended twice from the alternative school with no consequences.

I have bitten my tongue because JR is not my kid.  When JR has been suspended from school, I have asked if AZ is going to ground him and invariably, the answer has been no.  AZ doesn't want to be the bad guy.  Personally, I think JR is begging for some boundaries. 

When I went home from work yesterday, JR arrived with my old phone.  He also paid me for the repairs to the bike.  AND apologized for all of it.  I reminded him that the kids who were there the night the phone was taken are still not welcome in my house and that they really are not friends.  JR agreed.  But only time will tell if  he will actually change his ways and choices of friends.

While I would love to not allow JR in the house when we're not there, its not realistic.  I have to compromise with what AZ wants for rules in the house as well.  I can only hope that AZ has discussed this situation with him and that JR has learned something from this.  I can only hope that the next time we go away and JR doesn't go with us, that he will exercise better judgement in who he invites over.

Because if we go away again and something else happens, I will go ballistic!  And that's a promise!

Disrespectful

Respect is earned but there are instances when respect is given. Period, no questions asked. Rules are made to be followed no matter who is around to enforce them. This is what I believe and what I'd like to see happen at my house.  This is what I would expect from my child. An adult in the house gets respect period. 

AZ and a buddy packed up right after the holiday for a hunting trip to upstate NY. Because JRs mom is in trouble with the law again, JR stayed home. AZ said he'd be in touch with JR often while he was away.

I don't know how often AZ has been in touch with JR but I haven't heard from AZ much. That's OK. You need quiet and no ringing cell phone to bring home deer meat.

This time with JR has been annoying. He has never been disrespectful to me directly but his total disregard for the rules of the house has erked me to no end.

He has operated on his own schedule; has not informed me of any of his plans and has made a mess of the kitchen at all hours of the day and night.

He brought his girlfriend into his bedroom and shut the door. With me and Jakes in the living room watching TV. That is a big rule broken.

He decided that he didn't feel like going to school yesterday so he didn't.

But because AZ wants to be his "friend" and not the enemy, he let's JR do pretty much whatever he wants. And if I express an opinion or suggest imposing limits for JRs actions I get a shoulder shrug and ignored. I am not allowed to parent JR but then his parents don't do it either.

I have told AZ the bigger infractions by JR but not about the party in the camper on Saturday night, the vodka gummy worms and the vodka kool-aid. That will come when AZ gets home.

I am so disgusted with JRs blatant disregard for the house rules.  I would never ask AZ to choose me over his son and I don't think he would anyway.

I don't hold hope that AZ will change his parenting style.  He takes the least conflicting way out of every situation.

Am I over reacting?  Maybe. But I am very hurt at the way JR took advantage of the situation.  And I've been frustrated and hurt in the past by AZ's inability to discipline and impose reasonable limits for his son.

When AZ gets back, I think we will have to have ANOTHER talk about things.

Introducing.........

We have a new family member!

Shadow

He's a Love Bug!  I rescued him from a friends garage.

I don't know how old he is, I'm guessing under a year.

He needs to have his eye checked by the Dr.

Jakes LOVES him and was disappointed that he had to leave for his dads almost as soon as we brought Shadow home.

The other 4-legged kids are still adjusting to Shadow.  In time, they will all be curled up together.

Welcome to the Nest, Shadow!

Defining Paradise

There is a paradise out there for me.  It might even be here in my little hometown.  I most certainly will not be making hasty decisions to move and loose the wonderful connections to parents, friends, family and other supports I have in place for Jakes and myself.  My paradise series here will be an exploration of my resentments, finding my happiness and hopefully deciding what is missing in my life.

I realize that I am harboring resentments, many resentments toward things in my life that I cannot change.  I just need to figure a way around or through those resentments, figure out what is keeping me from what I consider "my true happiness" and how I can make that happiness happen for me. 

I seem to think better in words.  They are concrete and changeable.  I can put my disjointed thoughts down here and come back later to organize them.  If I leave them in my head, they continue to be jumbled and disjointed.  I just don't seem to be able to organize them in there.  Its a mess in my head!

I know that I have a good life in my little hometown.  I have my own place on the river. Its usually a peaceful place, when you don't count Jakes outbursts and meltdowns.  I have parents and friends who help and support me with the trials and tribulations of being a single mom to my wonderful child.  There is an Autism Center in my little hometown, something that is very unusual for bigger cities, let alone my little place by the river.

My friends are there for me in the bad times, but we also are there for the good times.  I have friends that I can exercise with, go to dinner with, travel with, spa days with, or just hang out at their pools!  And even my friends who I don't "hang" with regularly are there with words of support and encouragement for me when I need it.  And I hope that I am able to be there for them in all the same ways.

I have a job.  Its not a job that is exciting or thrilling, in fact I am rather bored by it.  But in this economy, its a job with a paycheck and health benefits.  And that is very important.  I can provide everything Jakes and I need and even lots of extras, like a trip to Disney.

Spelled out like this, it sounds like a fabulous life, right?  Who can ask for more?  Family, friends, built in babysitters, fun, laughter, and so much more.  I have all this right HERE, RIGHT NOW.  It seems a little ungrateful of me to want more for myself.  But I do.

But this is where I will talk about my resentments and hopefully find solice from them.

The other thing I am looking for in my "paradise" could possibly be different climate.  That's why I would consider moving.  I am sick and tired of the winters here.  I don't like the humidityor the heat.  I would love to find a place to live that is low humidity and ranges from about 40-50 in the winter and up to 80 or 90 in the summers.  Someplace that doesn't get an abondance of rain and if there is any snow, it would melt the same day.

So while I am exploring my resentments, I will also be searching for a place with my criteria for weather conditions.  If you know of such a place on earth, let me know!