Monday, July 18, 2011

Looking for Paradise

I have lived in almost the same place all my life.  Its a small town, with limited opportunities for work, social life and recreation.  I am fortunate that the autism center is here.  Son goes to the same elementary school I graduated from and even has some of the same teachers I did.  In a way, I love that.  In another way, it reminds me how little I've moved in my life.

I have always lived within a 5 mile radius of my parents, right now I live in the same apartment building as them.  After my divorce, I sold the house and moved closer to my parents.  At that time, I needed the closeness and comfort of my parents to heal and find myself again.  With all that's been going on with Jakes, I've been relying on them for support, comfort and babysitting.  I am very grateful for my family.  They have been my salvation through the trials of the past few years.

I have been asking myself lately if I am truly happy with how my life has played out, with the choices I made.  Are my troubles with Jakes in part because I haven't truly moved on with my life?

I was hurt terribly by my ex's betrayal and the end of my marriage.  I have been so scared to move on romantically with anyone.  Oh, there have been a couple of guys that I was seeing but it was only for fun, definitely not anyone I'd dream of spending my life with.

With Jakes diabilities (AS and ADHD), I kinda figured what man would want to be in the middle of this turmoil.  It just didn't feel right to think about bringing someone into all of it.  I didn't feel like I had the time to devote to someone other than Jakes and all the therapies he needs.  Plus, now that Jakes has had me to himself for all these years, he's not going to easily accept someone in my life.

When Dad was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure, I decided that I wasn't going to even consider moving or changing my life while he was still here.  He and Jakes have a special bond and I didn't want to hurt Dad by taking Jakes away from him.  But now, Dad is stabilized on his medications and doing pretty well.  My grandmother lived with CHF for over 15 years before she passed from another ailment.  With proper medical care, Dad could live at least as long.

I have a lot of resentment inside of me, resentment toward Jakes, resentment toward my ex for being able to walk away and move on, resentment toward my parents for their happiness, toward my step-brothers and step sister.  For a long time, I have done for everyone else, to make everyone else happy. 

I am the only child who is close to the parents.  My brother doesn't have anything to do with Dad and Renie, no one knows why.  My step-sister lives in another state, but close enough that she could still keep in touch, and my other step-brothers live in other states and keep in contact as best they can.  I am still living close to the parents, still there for them when they are sick or just feeling old, still there with a grandchild that they can be close with.

My siblings are off living their own lives and I am stuck where I am.  Is this the life I really want to live?  Is this the life that is really going to make me the happiest?

My trip to AZ opened my eyes to a lot of things.  I am questioning a lot of my choices.  I am questioning if I am meant to stay here in my little hometown or if there is a different paradise out there somewhere.  Then I question if I am brave enough to seek it out.


  1. It's certainly something worth thinking about, and your gut will eventually tell you what to do.

  2. While you are deciding, maybe you can figure out other ways to broaden your horizons, while still letting Jakes benefit from proximity to your dad and step-mom. Can you travel more, even if you are limited to short jaunts? (Travel by myself was my salvation in my 20's and 30's. I did it on the cheap and loved it.) But having your dad, built-in babysitting AND the autism school nearby is quite a tough triad to replace.

    think you also need to clear the air with siblings or by talking it through with a therapist or someone wise. sounds like you're building up resentments that are twisting you up a bit. Best of luck!

  3. Hmmmm. Tough call, but great questions to be pondering.

    I think its great to spread your wings and fly, but I also think you can't deny yourself such a great support system.

    Travel more! : )

  4. i am glad you are asking those is better to do that now than regret it later you know...and if you are its okay...just make the decision for the right reasons...

  5. I think you're on your way to figuring it out already. Just by writing it all down and wondering. I stayed in the same house till I was 18 and you know I've been a nomad ever since! I am looking forward to 4 years from now when the moving is done and we finally settle somewhere. (hopefully I won't be bored by it!)

    Keep thinking. Weigh the pros and cons and if you decide it's best to move on to somewhere new that's great. I'll give you some packing tips ;)

  6. i always trust my gut and then take decisions,
    but i find it wise that you're asking those questions now than regret it later.

    i do agree with what anabelle has said.

    betty xx


Leave me some seeds