Sunday Check in - Paradise Not Found

WOW!  Has it really been a week since I checked in here?  Oh my!  But I've been having fun and relaxing.  The flights were on time and PACKED.  AZ was released from ER just in time for me to land and be picked up. Phew.

I'm sending you greetings from sunny Phoenix, Arizona.  I'm loving the weather, being in shorts and t-shirts.  I've taken lots of walks in the sunshine.  Today I realized that my lungs are missing something......... humidity!  There is no humidity here and I come from swampland Jersey where the humidity never goes below 95%.  I'm part amphibian, I think.

We've been enjoying our time together, with only one trip to ER which did not result in an admission.  Double Phew.  We went to see Breaking Dawn and both of us loved it.  Can't wait for the next one to come out.

The next couple of movies we want to see while I'm here is Edgar and Muppets.  I can't WAIT to see the Muppets.  I love Animal and Sweetums.  So lovable!

We cooked Thanksgiving Dinner at home just for us and between us, we make REALLY good cooks!  Still munching on leftovers. 

I think Jakes is missing me.  Before I left, he told me in a Tween way to stop texting him everyday.  Well, guess who's been texting me EVERYDAY!  YUP!  The attitude Tween!  But of course he won't admit to missing me.  Oh well, I'll take what I can get.  ;)

Dad and ESM have been sending pictures of Jaxon conked out on the couch.  Apparently, they have been running his little butt ragged with new toys.  Probably to keep him from gaining weight from all the treats they've been giving him.  They also have reported break-out from the house.  Shadow is lonely and everytime someone goes into my house, he runs out.  Of course, they are catching him right away cause he's looking for some lovin'.

So, all is good from Sunny AZ.  But while I've enjoyed myself here, its not my paradise found.  There are lots of reasons, good ones for being here but plenty of others for not staying.  Maybe to be disclosed one day here but most likely just in my diary.

We've almost got laundry done and will be heading out to see what kind of trouble we can get into!  Happy Sunday!

Defining Paradise

There is a paradise out there for me.  It might even be here in my little hometown.  I most certainly will not be making hasty decisions to move and loose the wonderful connections to parents, friends, family and other supports I have in place for Jakes and myself.  My paradise series here will be an exploration of my resentments, finding my happiness and hopefully deciding what is missing in my life.

I realize that I am harboring resentments, many resentments toward things in my life that I cannot change.  I just need to figure a way around or through those resentments, figure out what is keeping me from what I consider "my true happiness" and how I can make that happiness happen for me. 

I seem to think better in words.  They are concrete and changeable.  I can put my disjointed thoughts down here and come back later to organize them.  If I leave them in my head, they continue to be jumbled and disjointed.  I just don't seem to be able to organize them in there.  Its a mess in my head!

I know that I have a good life in my little hometown.  I have my own place on the river. Its usually a peaceful place, when you don't count Jakes outbursts and meltdowns.  I have parents and friends who help and support me with the trials and tribulations of being a single mom to my wonderful child.  There is an Autism Center in my little hometown, something that is very unusual for bigger cities, let alone my little place by the river.

My friends are there for me in the bad times, but we also are there for the good times.  I have friends that I can exercise with, go to dinner with, travel with, spa days with, or just hang out at their pools!  And even my friends who I don't "hang" with regularly are there with words of support and encouragement for me when I need it.  And I hope that I am able to be there for them in all the same ways.

I have a job.  Its not a job that is exciting or thrilling, in fact I am rather bored by it.  But in this economy, its a job with a paycheck and health benefits.  And that is very important.  I can provide everything Jakes and I need and even lots of extras, like a trip to Disney.

Spelled out like this, it sounds like a fabulous life, right?  Who can ask for more?  Family, friends, built in babysitters, fun, laughter, and so much more.  I have all this right HERE, RIGHT NOW.  It seems a little ungrateful of me to want more for myself.  But I do.

But this is where I will talk about my resentments and hopefully find solice from them.

The other thing I am looking for in my "paradise" could possibly be different climate.  That's why I would consider moving.  I am sick and tired of the winters here.  I don't like the humidityor the heat.  I would love to find a place to live that is low humidity and ranges from about 40-50 in the winter and up to 80 or 90 in the summers.  Someplace that doesn't get an abondance of rain and if there is any snow, it would melt the same day.

So while I am exploring my resentments, I will also be searching for a place with my criteria for weather conditions.  If you know of such a place on earth, let me know!

Looking for Paradise

I have lived in almost the same place all my life.  Its a small town, with limited opportunities for work, social life and recreation.  I am fortunate that the autism center is here.  Son goes to the same elementary school I graduated from and even has some of the same teachers I did.  In a way, I love that.  In another way, it reminds me how little I've moved in my life.

I have always lived within a 5 mile radius of my parents, right now I live in the same apartment building as them.  After my divorce, I sold the house and moved closer to my parents.  At that time, I needed the closeness and comfort of my parents to heal and find myself again.  With all that's been going on with Jakes, I've been relying on them for support, comfort and babysitting.  I am very grateful for my family.  They have been my salvation through the trials of the past few years.

I have been asking myself lately if I am truly happy with how my life has played out, with the choices I made.  Are my troubles with Jakes in part because I haven't truly moved on with my life?

I was hurt terribly by my ex's betrayal and the end of my marriage.  I have been so scared to move on romantically with anyone.  Oh, there have been a couple of guys that I was seeing but it was only for fun, definitely not anyone I'd dream of spending my life with.

With Jakes diabilities (AS and ADHD), I kinda figured what man would want to be in the middle of this turmoil.  It just didn't feel right to think about bringing someone into all of it.  I didn't feel like I had the time to devote to someone other than Jakes and all the therapies he needs.  Plus, now that Jakes has had me to himself for all these years, he's not going to easily accept someone in my life.

When Dad was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure, I decided that I wasn't going to even consider moving or changing my life while he was still here.  He and Jakes have a special bond and I didn't want to hurt Dad by taking Jakes away from him.  But now, Dad is stabilized on his medications and doing pretty well.  My grandmother lived with CHF for over 15 years before she passed from another ailment.  With proper medical care, Dad could live at least as long.

I have a lot of resentment inside of me, resentment toward Jakes, resentment toward my ex for being able to walk away and move on, resentment toward my parents for their happiness, toward my step-brothers and step sister.  For a long time, I have done for everyone else, to make everyone else happy. 

I am the only child who is close to the parents.  My brother doesn't have anything to do with Dad and Renie, no one knows why.  My step-sister lives in another state, but close enough that she could still keep in touch, and my other step-brothers live in other states and keep in contact as best they can.  I am still living close to the parents, still there for them when they are sick or just feeling old, still there with a grandchild that they can be close with.

My siblings are off living their own lives and I am stuck where I am.  Is this the life I really want to live?  Is this the life that is really going to make me the happiest?

My trip to AZ opened my eyes to a lot of things.  I am questioning a lot of my choices.  I am questioning if I am meant to stay here in my little hometown or if there is a different paradise out there somewhere.  Then I question if I am brave enough to seek it out.