Fighting Failure - Again

I want to avoid everything associated with all this.  I am so confused about what I want to do with my personal life.  Do I want to try things again?  Do I want to fight for this?  Do I want to try and make things work or do I just want to disengage from the situation until I can get out?

What happens if I decide to fight for this again? I have a chance at happiness, love and someone to share life with.  There also is a chance that I will have my hopes and dreams dashed again.

What happens if I disengage right now?  I already have to some extent.  I have spent time in my room, alone or with the dog.  There is no one to talk to, to share life with.  Its a lonely existence.  I realize that if I get my own place, it won't be as lonely but still lonely.  But it will be a loneliness of my choosing instead of what is a self-imposed exile.

I am pretty sure I want to stay and make things work.  But I don't know that I want to fight failure again.  I failed in my fight for my marriage. I failed in my fight to keep Jakes with me and I keep failing with him on each and every visit we have.  So far in this relationship, it has been a failure.  So the big question is, Am I ready/willing to fight for what stands a very good chance of being another failure?

I don't know.  I just don't know.  I also don't know how to figure that out.

Defining Paradise

There is a paradise out there for me.  It might even be here in my little hometown.  I most certainly will not be making hasty decisions to move and loose the wonderful connections to parents, friends, family and other supports I have in place for Jakes and myself.  My paradise series here will be an exploration of my resentments, finding my happiness and hopefully deciding what is missing in my life.

I realize that I am harboring resentments, many resentments toward things in my life that I cannot change.  I just need to figure a way around or through those resentments, figure out what is keeping me from what I consider "my true happiness" and how I can make that happiness happen for me. 

I seem to think better in words.  They are concrete and changeable.  I can put my disjointed thoughts down here and come back later to organize them.  If I leave them in my head, they continue to be jumbled and disjointed.  I just don't seem to be able to organize them in there.  Its a mess in my head!

I know that I have a good life in my little hometown.  I have my own place on the river. Its usually a peaceful place, when you don't count Jakes outbursts and meltdowns.  I have parents and friends who help and support me with the trials and tribulations of being a single mom to my wonderful child.  There is an Autism Center in my little hometown, something that is very unusual for bigger cities, let alone my little place by the river.

My friends are there for me in the bad times, but we also are there for the good times.  I have friends that I can exercise with, go to dinner with, travel with, spa days with, or just hang out at their pools!  And even my friends who I don't "hang" with regularly are there with words of support and encouragement for me when I need it.  And I hope that I am able to be there for them in all the same ways.

I have a job.  Its not a job that is exciting or thrilling, in fact I am rather bored by it.  But in this economy, its a job with a paycheck and health benefits.  And that is very important.  I can provide everything Jakes and I need and even lots of extras, like a trip to Disney.

Spelled out like this, it sounds like a fabulous life, right?  Who can ask for more?  Family, friends, built in babysitters, fun, laughter, and so much more.  I have all this right HERE, RIGHT NOW.  It seems a little ungrateful of me to want more for myself.  But I do.

But this is where I will talk about my resentments and hopefully find solice from them.

The other thing I am looking for in my "paradise" could possibly be different climate.  That's why I would consider moving.  I am sick and tired of the winters here.  I don't like the humidityor the heat.  I would love to find a place to live that is low humidity and ranges from about 40-50 in the winter and up to 80 or 90 in the summers.  Someplace that doesn't get an abondance of rain and if there is any snow, it would melt the same day.

So while I am exploring my resentments, I will also be searching for a place with my criteria for weather conditions.  If you know of such a place on earth, let me know!

Life Can Be Ugly But There Are Lessons To Be Learned

I have been struggling a lot with ugliness in my life lately. I have talked a lot about Jakes and my struggles with parenting him. Any kid in puberty can be challenging, but add in Aspergers and ADHD into the mix and the struggles can increase. Which they have between Jakes and myself.

My personal life (yes, I consider it different from my parenting life) had taken a turn for the better. I connected with a friend and spent the past several months getting to know him again. Letting myself care for him again, even knowing the complications that could come from caring. I had high hopes for happiness for myself with him.

Over the past weekend, things changed completely. A miracle happened for him, a literal miracle. And you can’t and shouldn’t fight a miracle. And I won’t fight it no matter the heart break for me. He deserves it and has been waiting for this for many months.

A friend on facebook posted this quote from a young lady who endured illness her entire, short life but never lost faith that her life would be good.

“Life is not always fair....It’s full of lessons. Life can get ugly, but even when it’s ugly, there’s good in it.” ~Megan Daddario

While I have spent the past week being miserable about how things in my life have been going, being disappointed and heartbroken, and being ready to just runaway and start over, this young lady never gave up. She endured pain and suffering but never let it get her down. She was always looking for ways to make things better for herself, her family, and the community. No matter how sick she was, she continued her schooling to become a nurse; she worked with local EMS services to help people who needed her.

I need to start thinking as she did and look for the lessons in the ugly of my life.

I have been very fortunate to get tons of services to help with parenting Jakes. In-home therapy services, counseling for myself, medication for me, support groups, and lots of support from everyone. The in-home services are about to end and I will have to work with the therapists to decide where to go from here. Its obvious that we will need further services to continue bringing peace into my home.

I am dedicated to bringing that peace into my home. I am dedicated to making sure that my son gets all the help he needs to be all he can be in life. I am dedicated to giving my son the best in life as possible.

So the lesson for this ugly in my life is that I am and will continue to be the best mom possible for Jakes. There is a reason Jakes was given to me to raise, because with my stubbornness, God knew I’d make sure Jakes gets what he needs.

I am still struggling with the ugly of my personal life a little, its still raw. By caring and sharing with him, I realized what I am missing by being alone for so long. I don’t have someone special to share life’s moments with, to snuggle up and watch TV with, to share my bed. And by coming to care for him, I realized that I really am missing that. And I want that. Very much.

My lesson from my heartbreak is a reminder that I am a lovable person; that I am ready to move on and find someone special to love. My heartbreak gives me hope that I am growing, that I am deserving of love, and that I will find someone to share my love and my life.

Anyone know a single guy age 35-45 who might be interested in a loving, wonderful woman to share life with?

Imaginings

This is a continuation of a story I wrote here.

Jesse was cleaning out her closet and at the back; she found an old notebook from high school. Wow, she thought, I can’t believe I still have this. It’s been about 20 years since high school.

She flipped it open to see what was in it and found where she’d been practicing her name as if she was married to Jon, her old boyfriend. Jesse’s mind drifted back to one day in Algebra class.

Mr. and Mrs. Jon Malone

Mrs. Jon Malone

Mrs. Jesse Trioli-Malone

Mrs. Jesse Malone

While doodling in her notebook, Jesse was imagining what it would be like to be married to Jon. They were so in love. Every high school girl with a steady boyfriend had pages in their notebooks like the one Jesse was doodling.

Jesse missed him when they weren’t together. She wished every day could be like this past Saturday.

They had gone over Brittany’s house to hang out with friends for the afternoon. Jesse and Jon curled up together on one couch, Brittany and Matt on the other, with their other friends hanging around as well. They just hung out together, listening to music and being silly. There was, of course, plenty of making-out, also.

Eventually, Brittany’s parents had come home and Jon had to go to work. He dropped Jesse off at home and they took a very long time saying good-bye. Jesse knew that Jon would call her when he finished work that night and they’d spend hours chatting about everything and anything.

Jesse closed the notebook and dug back into the closet. But she was still thinking about Jon and their times together. Jesse was amazed at how much she had dreamed about being with Jon for the rest of their lives; how sure she'd been that it would happen.

She had dreamed they would go to college together and spend all their time together on campus. When college was over, they’d move to the city, get a place together and live happily ever after. They'd come back for visits to their families, spending the holidays with them and go back to their place in the city where they were happiest. Life would be perfect.

But that was not to be. Jesse broke up with Jon in his senior year. It was devastating to both of them. So why did it happen? Because Jesse was immature and was being wooed by another guy. The new guy convinced her that Jon was wrong for her, that he was a better person and could have more to offer. And she fell for him, hard. She was infatuated with him and all that he was.

Jon graduated from high school and went to college. Jesse was a senior and thought she was in love with her new guy, Kyle. That relationship was not smooth sailing. There was fighting from the beginning. And manipulation, and lies on his part. Yet, he still managed to convince Jesse that she would never do any better than him.

Jesse stayed locally for college so she could be with Kyle. They eventually married and after many unhappy years, divorced.

Jesse, while battered and bruised mentally, was glad to be moving on and was looking forward to enjoying her life, free of the misery of Kyle. She actually was packing up the house where they'd tried to make a happy home and was moving into an apartment where she knew she would heal.

A few years pass, with Jesse getting her life on track but not finding that someone special with whom to spend her life. That's when she ran into Jon at a local restaurant. He saw her enter but she didn't see him. When Jon finished his meal, he came over to say hello. Jesse's heart beat picked up and her stomach felt like it had butterflies inside. The hug they shared was like home; Jesse felt like she fit in his arms.

They chatted for a few minutes then Jon had to leave. Jesse suggested they get together while he was in town. No definite plans, but when Jesse checked Facebook that night, there was a message from Jon asking for her phone number and suggesting a couple of days to get together. Of course, Jesse responded.

The next week finds Jon at Jesse's house with a glass of wine watching the sunset with Jesse. They spent the evening catching up on everything they had missed during their years apart. They compared divorce stories, kids, jobs, and future plans. Jon was living in another state with his girlfriend; he was in town for a couple more weeks to finalize his move.

They remembered the good and bad times of high school. Jon told Jesse how badly she broke his heart by breaking up with him. Jesse said she was really sorry. They moved on to being friends. While Jon was still in town, they would text and flirt. They even got together a couple more times for old times sake.

Jesse, even knowing that Jon had a girlfriend and was leaving, couldn't help but imagine how life could be if he were to stay with her. She imagined the two of them living happily together in her apartment, raising their kids together, and growing old together. She never let Jon know that she thought more of him than a friend. He was in love with his girlfriend and was moving across country to be with her. Jesse would not be responsible for breaking up a relationship due to her imagination.

Their time together ended, Jon moved away but they still kept in touch occasionally through text messaging and emails. One day, Jon called Jesse. Jesse was a little concerned when she saw who was on the caller ID but happy that he was calling. Jon was very upset because his girlfriend was critically ill and not expected to live. Jesse listened and tried to calm and comfort him. By the time they were done talking, Jon seemed calmer and a little more focused.

Every day after that, Jesse would either call or text Jon to see how he was doing. If too many days went by without hearing from him, she'd get worried. Time went by, Jon started living life again as best he could. Jesse and Jon were talking every day for hours, chatting about life, sharing memories of the past and flirting a little bit. All this time, Jesse was feeling the return of the feelings from high school. She tried to ignore them but at the same time, she couldn't help but imagine, again, how life could be with him. How happy they could be and that it was finally the time for them to be together as a couple. Part of her knew this was not to be, there were too many complications to overcome. The distance, Jesse's family and her ex, Jon's commitment to his girlfriend and so much more.

Jesse decided that she would just have to find a way to put her feelings aside, stop imagining a future that possibly was not to be, and start thinking of Jon as just a friend. She would have to stop the flirting and just be there for him as his friend. As hard as this was going to be, she would rather have him in her life as a friend than not at all.  Only time would tell if Jesse could do it.