I want to avoid everything associated with all this. I am so confused about what I want to do with my personal life. Do I want to try things again? Do I want to fight for this? Do I want to try and make things work or do I just want to disengage from the situation until I can get out?
What happens if I decide to fight for this again? I have a chance at happiness, love and someone to share life with. There also is a chance that I will have my hopes and dreams dashed again.
What happens if I disengage right now? I already have to some extent. I have spent time in my room, alone or with the dog. There is no one to talk to, to share life with. Its a lonely existence. I realize that if I get my own place, it won't be as lonely but still lonely. But it will be a loneliness of my choosing instead of what is a self-imposed exile.
I am pretty sure I want to stay and make things work. But I don't know that I want to fight failure again. I failed in my fight for my marriage. I failed in my fight to keep Jakes with me and I keep failing with him on each and every visit we have. So far in this relationship, it has been a failure. So the big question is, Am I ready/willing to fight for what stands a very good chance of being another failure?
I don't know. I just don't know. I also don't know how to figure that out.