Fighting Failure - Again

I want to avoid everything associated with all this.  I am so confused about what I want to do with my personal life.  Do I want to try things again?  Do I want to fight for this?  Do I want to try and make things work or do I just want to disengage from the situation until I can get out?

What happens if I decide to fight for this again? I have a chance at happiness, love and someone to share life with.  There also is a chance that I will have my hopes and dreams dashed again.

What happens if I disengage right now?  I already have to some extent.  I have spent time in my room, alone or with the dog.  There is no one to talk to, to share life with.  Its a lonely existence.  I realize that if I get my own place, it won't be as lonely but still lonely.  But it will be a loneliness of my choosing instead of what is a self-imposed exile.

I am pretty sure I want to stay and make things work.  But I don't know that I want to fight failure again.  I failed in my fight for my marriage. I failed in my fight to keep Jakes with me and I keep failing with him on each and every visit we have.  So far in this relationship, it has been a failure.  So the big question is, Am I ready/willing to fight for what stands a very good chance of being another failure?

I don't know.  I just don't know.  I also don't know how to figure that out.

Oh SO Wrong!

Apparently, I was WRONG.  AZ wasn't telling me to get out, he wants me to stay actually.  I took his words in the wrong context, or so he says.

More talking was going on in my house on Sunday.  AZ told me that he doesn't want me to leave and he wants to make this work.  I was very blunt with him in my dissatisfaction with the relationship.

When I told him he has a problem with the pills, he didn't agree nor did he deny it.  I told him I cannot live life for the two weeks when he's low on medications.  He did admit to dropping the ball on making appropriate appointments for the other things that keep him on the couch.  I complained that he doesn't even look for a job anymore and I don't bother pointing opportunities to him because I don't want to be disappointed when he doesn't make an effort to apply.

I don't want him to "be" in the relationship only when I have a tempertantrum.  I don't want to be this b*tch of a person in order to get him to realize how his actions are affecting our lives.  I shouldn't have to be a b*tch in order for him to want to be in this life. All of this shouldn't be THIS HARD.

I said all this to him.  What we didn't touch on was his relationship with his ex-wife and sex.  These are very touchy subjects and need to be addressed but the ones that we did address seemed to be more important. 

I drew a line in the sand and he crossed it.  I said to myself, the next time he spends time face planted on the couch, I was done.

When we were done talking, I went into my room and cried some more.  I don't know what I want to do about leaving or staying.  I deserve more, deserve better and that is out there waiting for me.  But there is still a part of me that thinks it might also be right here still.  Hope sucks.

Here We Go A-Wallowing

Do you know the song about wassailing at Christmas time? Imagine that tune In your head when you read the title of this post. It fits.

A while back I posted about being a flip flop in my relationship with AZ. When I posted, things seemed to be improving. Then AZ went to the drs for a refill. Back to the couch and the stupor.

When I talked to him about it, he got angry with me and blamed other things in his life. I'm not accepting the excuses because he's had a long time to start the process for taking care of these things and he hasn't. Always an excuse and then back to the couch.

During this discussion he told me to feel free to pack and leave. No problem. I'm done anyway. While I love this house, neither of us can afford to keep it without the other, although he seems to think he will do it. Have to see what the landlord thinks of THAT idea and also if I can leave before the end of the lease.

There has been so much in this relationship that didn't make me happy. AZ didn't like to go out, not that we have a lot of money for it but when I'd get an invite to a friends house (mind you this friend went to high school with us) he wouldn't go.

He wasn't involved in the relationship; wouldn't even ask about my day; would sleep most nights on the couch (which should tell you about the level of intimacy in our lives). He considered the fact that he would put dishes away, pull something out for ME to cook for dinner and do laundry once a week to be something fabulous. I'm the one who cleaned the bathroom, swept the floors, dusted and did poop-patrol in the yard. And that's after working all week. If he was working, I don't think it would bother me as much.

I'm done with AZ.

I can't think of anything I've done wrong or should have done differently. (maybe called a halt to the relationship sooner) I think I have been very supportive and encouraging. Maybe too much.

For a couple of days, (until Monday), I am going to wallow in the failure of this relationship. Everything that ends deserves a period of grieving.

On Monday (unless the landlord won't allow it) I will start the search to find a place to move to, probably a one bedroom to save on money for now. I'll have to see what's out there.

I haven't thought about how life is going to be if I have to stay there until June. Fortunately, my parents have a second bedroom and have offered it to me for as much as I want and they accept doggies!

I'm not worried about being single. Been there, done that and am looking forward to the adventure! Want to come along?

When I Feel Like a Failure

I had a lovely weekend.  Jakes was camping with my parents and they had a wonderful time.  They reported that Jakes was very well behaved, helpful and without a smart mouth.  I'm so proud that he was such a help and had a wonderful time with them.  He can't wait to go camping with them again.  Since Jakes has moved, he hasn't had much alone time with them.

ESM reported that she can see a difference in Jakes without his ADHD medication.  He's not unbearable but he had, I guess "ticks" is the best way to describe it.  He would make noises and couldn't seem to control them.  She said they weren't bad, or even too annoying but she also noticed that he didn't do them when he was on the medication.  She was very proud of how Jakes behaved and helped g-pop with setting up and taking down.  I'm very proud of Jakes too.

OH.  His father took him off the meds but didn't tell me.  Jakes told me that he wasn't on them anymore.  And yet, I have a new receipt for a refill of the medication from his father and no explanation from him as to whether Jakes is on or off the medication.  Wonderful parenting.  But that's another story.

Before my concert on Saturday evening, Kathy and I met friends from Maryland for dinner and they attended the concert.   They loved it! and I loved having them there to share my fun.

On the ride to dinner, I chatted with Kathy about needing space and wanting to live my life without having to be saddled with babysitting duties when my parents go out.  I was not THIS blunt with her and she understood. Or so I think.  She asked me to take care of her animals while she goes to FL with my parents at the end of the month.  sigh.  I think I need to move.

In the space of an hour and half, Jakes and I managed to have 4 major blow ups about various things.  Mostly me getting upset with him for his disrespectful way of treating me and other adults.  By the time I had to leave for concert #2, I was feeling so low and like such a failure, it wasn't fun to sing at all.  I just couldn't pull myself up enough to enjoy the concert.  Oh, I was on stage and sang, but there was no enthusiasm from me. booooooo

That lasted for the rest of the evening.  AZ wasn't having a very good day either.  He wasn't feeling well and there were outside forces that annoyed him.  He said he did have a good visit with his son while they were taking JR back home.  I'm glad JR cared enough to talk with his dad and get his mind off his troubles, even for a little while.  JR seems to be a good kid.  I'm looking forward to getting to know him better.

Later Sunday night, Jakes father is making threats to take me to court again.  That's all they are, threats.  And if he actually DOES take me to court, I'm not worried.  I just wish he would respect the restraints and not make those threats.  I will definitely bring that up in court if we go. SO, things in my house on Sunday night were not very pleasant.  I went to bed early.

What was a wonderful start to a weekend, ended an a pretty sour note.  Next weekend will be better.

The Move

Well, the move happened this weekend, even during the nasty rain/snow/sleet storm we had on Saturday.  Because of the storm, not all of Jakes stuff could go.  His clothes and the important toys and the crabs went with him.  He'll have to take the rest of it next weekend.

I cried.  Not a lot.  And not while Jakes was still here.  I told him I loved him and I would miss him.  I will see him on Friday for the entire weekend.

After he left, I got Teddy out and crawled into bed for a good cry. Teddy has been with me since before I was born.  He's a little worse for wear but I keep him in a bag in my closet for the hard days or nights.  He knows all my secrets, holds all my tears and is there when I need a hug.

As I lay in bed crying, I was also thinking of my failure as a mother.  You have all been so wonderfully supportive in my decision and in reminding me that I have not failed.  Part of me agrees with that but there is another part, my heart, that needs to find a way to make peace with that fact.  I am hoping to do that here today.

I had a very hard time accepting that I didn't fail at my marriage.  With counseling, I was able to accept that while the marriage failed, it wasn't completely my failure.  With Kate's help, I was able to change my thinking about the failure of the marriage.  And to realize that the divorce was for the better for myself and Jakes.  So, I have to change my thinking about this situation with Jakes.

My vision of the "right" family make-up comes from my own growing up.  Two parents in the home, kids, everyone getting along.  Most of the kids I grew up with had both parents in the home, no divorces and sharing of the kids.

I had reconciled myself to being a single mom, sort of.  I was going to make the best of it anyway.  Being without my ex was better for me, the mental abuse was no longer there.  Jakes was still seeing his father on weekends and holidays. 

These days, the roles of parents are completely different from the "traditional" roles that I grew up seeing.  There are step-parents, stay-at-home-moms and increasingly more stay-at-home-dads.  More and more fathers are stepping up to be more involved in their children's lives, they see parenting as part of their identity, just as women see being a mother as part of their identities.

When I was growing up, I never imagined that I would have kids of my own.  I was never a "kid" person, I babysat my cousins and that was a good reminder of why I didn't want kids of my own.  When I decided to get pregnant with Jakes, it was because my mom was dying and I hoped she would get to see her first grandchild.  Don't get me wrong, I don't regret my decision to bring Jakes into this world.  I love him with all my being and soul.

I am going to change how I think of motherhood. Maybe my current belief that the child always belongs with the mother is outdated and wrong for my child.  There is a good possibility that I was not meant to be the traditional mother.  The mother that participates as room mother at school and goes on all the field trips.  I know I could never be happy as a stay at home mom.  Maybe with my temperament and Jakes special needs, I will be a better mother to him when I am not his full time mother.

Its time to think outside the "traditional" box.  Its time to embrace my new role in Jakes life and make the best of it.  If I can make the best of it, he stands a better chance of success as well.

Counting Down

The decision for Jakes to go live with his father has been made, the papers signed and the boxes are being packed.  After Days and Days of waffling and worrying that I'm making the right decision, I finally reconciled myself that its for the best.

Now the count down is on.  Jakes is moving with his dad this coming weekend.  He's started packing and has been listing all this wonderful things he's going to have at his dad's that he doesn't have with me.  A TV, a Stereo, and a cell phone of his own.  A little bribery?  Or just a bunch of stuff that can be taken away for misbehaviors?

Lately, I've been angry. I can't figure out who I'm angry at.  I've been taking it out on everyone in my house and the compound.  Which is not fair to them. 

Part of me is angry at myself, for failing to provide the happy and healthy environment for Jakes.  I can't help but think there had to be something else I could have done to keep this from happening.  Not that I can come up with anything else to do...... 

Part of me is angry at Jakes for not complying with the rules and the therapies we've tried.  I feel like he has purposely sabotaged everything in order to be allowed to move to his fathers house.

I'm angry at his father too.  He has never done anything to help with the raising of Jakes.  Not even when I've told him that I was struggling and needed his help.  He's so egotistical that he doesn't think he will have the same problems with Jakes that I've had.  He actually said that to me.

Part of me hopes that this move will be the best thing I've ever done for Jakes.  Its not what I want but its what I think is best for Jakes at this point.  What I want is irrelevant right now.  As his mother, I have to think and do what is best for him.

Part of me also hopes that Jakes continues his behaviors with his father and that his father struggles the same way I have.  That's the vindictive side of me and is not what is best for Jakes.  But it sure would be fun to see his father struggle and have that ego taken down a few pegs by his kid!

I am angry that I am not getting what I want, what I dreamed for my life.  I've had my marriage taken from me and now I'm loosing my child.  What else am I going to fail at?

Mommy-hood Guilt

*** This week Jakes is with his dad and it gives me lots of down time and time to think about things in my life.  And to hopefully figure somethings about my life out. ***

My Mother was a wonderful woman.  She was great at everything she did.  She was a loving wife and mother, she kept the house, sewed beautifully as well as grew fabulous vegetables in her garden.  Mom was a stay at home mom and was there for everything my brother and I needed.  She was the healer, the disciplinarian, the inspiration, the cheerleader, the taxi driver.

My brother was the slug, the one who would prefer to sit and watch TV all day long.  I was the adventurer, the one to climb trees and jump off chicken coop roofs.  I was the cheerleader, the one active in 4-H and other clubs.  I was the headstrong one that challenged my mothers authority. Many, many times my mother said "I hope you have one just like you!" to me when she was exasperated.   My mom lived to be a wife and mother.

Through it all, the love shared with Dad, the raising of the children, the lean years, the teen years, and finally her illness, she was never mean, negative or seemed to struggle with anything.  I can only remember her crying once and that was because Dad lost his job.  They worked through that and they were stronger than ever.

I am constantly comparing myself to Mom.  How she was as a wife and mother and wishing I had half her skills at both.  When my marriage was failing, I held on and fought to make it work for many reasons but one was because I was afraid of what Mom's opinion would be if I failed.  (mom had passed several years before my marriage failed.)  Mom and Dad (and most of my friends) didn't want me to marry him, they saw him for the crap that he was, but I was blinded.

I know that I am not as good a mother as she was.  I don't have the patience for being a mom.  When I am struggling with Jakes and his behaviors, I try to think how Mom would have handled it.  And I fear I don't measure up to her expectations.  In my head I know that I am not my mother, that I am a completely different person than she is, that I have been raised in a different time.  Mom was raised with the expectation that she would marry, stay home and take care of the husband, babies and the house.

I was raised knowing that I would have a career outside of the home and I would have to work with my significant other to care for any children we would have together.

It doesn't always stop the guilt and expectations I place on myself.  I don't think I will ever stop comparing myself to my mother and her skills as a wife and mother.  I just have to find a way to not allow the guilt to paralyze me when I am living my own life.

I am ME and I have to do things differently from Mom.  I have to hope and pray that she would be proud of how I am living my life and raising my son.