Tidbit Tuesday

I'm getting good at avoiding things that can't be changed in my life right now.  But if they continue to affect my health, I might have to deal with them before I'm really ready.  We'll see what happens.

Jakes texted me last night.  He is having problems with controlling his temper and his mouth.  He wanted to know why.  I love that he came to me for advice!  He knows where to get the answers and support.  I've instilled a good thing in him!  He knows where to come for help with his behaviors. 

We talked about how he's a teenager and impulsive and that he needs to try to use the STOP method. 

S- Stop

T - Think

O - Options

P - Price

We used this when he was little and it worked for him.  As he's gotten older, I think he's gotten away from applying the skill.  I also didn't want him thinking that its from his Aspergers/ADHD because then he might think he can use that as an excuse to continue the bad behavior.  I also don't want him to think he can't change.  If he thinks its more because he's a teen, then he might put more effort into changing the behavior.

I was so proud of him for recognizing that he has a problem and that he wants to make a change.

Jakes, Jaxon and I stopped over to visit the Gparents this weekend.  Jaxon has been a little skitish with Oscar and Oscar likes being the boss.  When they play ball down the hallway, Oscar usually bullies Jaxon into letting him get the ball.  This weekend, Jaxon started fighting back to get the ball.  Good boy!  About time Jaxon put Oscar in his place!  They are learning to share.  Oscar is coming to visit us for a week or so while Dad and ESM go away.  Its going to be so much FUN!

Christmas is coming and I am so not ready.  I don't want to shop, decorate or anything.  But I have a kid who wants to see the tree and all that he's grown up with, so I have to get it done.  Time to get the tree out of storage and put up.  Maybe this weekend.

This weekend is my Holiday Concert.  I can't wait!  Going to be so much fun!  The countdown is on!

That's what's going on in my world.  How're things in your world?

Disrespectful

Respect is earned but there are instances when respect is given. Period, no questions asked. Rules are made to be followed no matter who is around to enforce them. This is what I believe and what I'd like to see happen at my house.  This is what I would expect from my child. An adult in the house gets respect period. 

AZ and a buddy packed up right after the holiday for a hunting trip to upstate NY. Because JRs mom is in trouble with the law again, JR stayed home. AZ said he'd be in touch with JR often while he was away.

I don't know how often AZ has been in touch with JR but I haven't heard from AZ much. That's OK. You need quiet and no ringing cell phone to bring home deer meat.

This time with JR has been annoying. He has never been disrespectful to me directly but his total disregard for the rules of the house has erked me to no end.

He has operated on his own schedule; has not informed me of any of his plans and has made a mess of the kitchen at all hours of the day and night.

He brought his girlfriend into his bedroom and shut the door. With me and Jakes in the living room watching TV. That is a big rule broken.

He decided that he didn't feel like going to school yesterday so he didn't.

But because AZ wants to be his "friend" and not the enemy, he let's JR do pretty much whatever he wants. And if I express an opinion or suggest imposing limits for JRs actions I get a shoulder shrug and ignored. I am not allowed to parent JR but then his parents don't do it either.

I have told AZ the bigger infractions by JR but not about the party in the camper on Saturday night, the vodka gummy worms and the vodka kool-aid. That will come when AZ gets home.

I am so disgusted with JRs blatant disregard for the house rules.  I would never ask AZ to choose me over his son and I don't think he would anyway.

I don't hold hope that AZ will change his parenting style.  He takes the least conflicting way out of every situation.

Am I over reacting?  Maybe. But I am very hurt at the way JR took advantage of the situation.  And I've been frustrated and hurt in the past by AZ's inability to discipline and impose reasonable limits for his son.

When AZ gets back, I think we will have to have ANOTHER talk about things.

Parenting Responsibilities

When I was full-time parenting Jakes, my goal was to get him as independent as possible.  I wanted him to be able to function without me.  I wanted him to know how to clean up after himself, help to keep the house clean and to respect his stuff as well as others.  I still do that with Jakes on the weekends.  He has chores, mostly dealing with his stuff in the bedroom but he also has to help around the house a little bit.

Since having AZ and JR move in with me, I haven't said much about the level of responsibility that is expected of JR. He's been allowed to roam free most of the summer, mostly because AZ didn't want to fight with JR about anything.  I think AZ has some guilt for having moved to Arizona when JR needed him.  JR was also away for many months and lost freedoms for those months.  He played that guilt card on AZ about it and being allowed loose for the summer. AZ gave in. It seems that AZ is afraid to put any limits on JR. And we all know that kids, teenagers especially, need limits.  These limits teach them about life and what to expect in the future.

All summer, JR had NO limits.  He could come and go as he pleased.  He usually popped in to shower and grab a change of clothes once or twice a week.

Now school is in session and AZ has decided that JR would be at the house more during the week.  He created a curfew and he and I discussed what JR's responsibilities around the house would be.  We seemed to be on the same page.  But AZ hasn't talked to JR about any of it and JR was allowed to run free all weekend again.  AZ also didn't hold JR to curfew Sunday night.  JR is the only one in the house who drinks coffee and I said that he would be responsible for making sure the coffee maker was cleaned and ready for his use.  AZ agreed, then went right out and cleaned it since JR was running late this morning. 

I have seen AZ doing things for JR that I feel should be JR's responsibility; things that AZ and I discussed and said would be JR's responsibility.  All AZ has to do is tell JR to do it and let him know that he won't be allowed out until those things are done.  I don't think AZ is helping JR to grow into a responsible adult by doing JR's chores or allowing him to disregard curfew.

I don't know how far to go to make my unhappiness with AZ's handling of JR known. I don't know how much "parenting" AZ will allow me to do with JR.  He already has a mother and I am not looking to fill that role in any shape or form.  I just want what's best for my household and the members in it.

These are all things that will have to be worked out as we go along and communicate about them.

Differences

Ya'll know Jakes has Aspergers Syndrome, ADHD and Epilepsy. He is my only child and I have come to think of him as “normal.” I don't know any other way of raising and dealing with my child.

I have learned to tell Jakes it's time to leave in 5-10 minutes to give him time to transition and adjust to the upcoming change. I have learned to block out his incessant chatter, his repeated phrases (‘cheeseburgers & applesauce, please’ is a favorite of his now). I have accepted that he is ok with hanging around the house with us adults. I know he doesn’t make and keep friends. I wish things could be different for him but it just isn’t to be right now.

Jakes is very immature for his age. This is not necessarily a bad thing or a reflection on my parenting. He has been sheltered by me definitely. He's my baby and always will be.

There are so many things about Jakes that I have come to consider "normal" but are not necessarily "normal". They are normal for Jakes but not necessarily for other kids.

Since JR has come to live with us, I see differences between him and Jakes. It might not be right to compare the kids, as they have had completely different upbringings.

JR is much more mature than his 15 yrs. His life has been very different from Jakes. Where I have bombarded Jakes with attention and therapies, JR has not had strict parenting influences and lots of freedoms. Some of those freedoms landed him in a lot of trouble. But he has done his "time" and seems to have learned from his mistakes.  JR has had to fend for himself in so many ways and that makes a boy grow up into a man quickly.

Hanging with JR has opened my eyes to the differences in Jakes, the definite Asperger's/ADHD symptoms that show themselves. I didn’t really SEE those differences, just accepted them as part of Jakes, and didn’t really label them as Asperger's or ADHD, just The Jakes Way.

Watching JR on his cell phone with friends, coordinating his schedule for visiting his friends and girlfriend, the nights he spends at friends and his friends coming over for the night, shows me that Jakes is definitely lacking in the social aspect.

Jakes was telling me that on his field trip today, he signed up to be with Mrs. B and he hoped no one else signed up to be with her. Jakes prefers to be with adults than peers. JR prefers to be with peers than adults.

Should I be worried about Jakes and his lack of social skills? Should I be worried that he prefers to be with me and AZ or the G-parents?

Probably. But for now, since it’s not causing any issues at school or in his home life, I’m not going to borrow trouble.  I'm not going to worry about MY normal child.

Deep Thinking

JF has been quite the a$$ lately. I was putting it down to something I did about a bill from the divorce six years ago that set him off again. After an argument this weekend something he said has me thinking that he is resenting that he has to raise his son now.

We were arguing over the fact that he was coming to get Jakes before the court ordered time, once again he's cutting my time with Jakes short. And since it was a wonderful weekend with jakes, I didn't want it to end before it had to.

In one of his text messages back to me, he called me a deadbeat and said that I threw Jakes out. For a short time after getting that text, I did beat myself up for not being a good enough mother to keep my child, to find a way to make things work between Jakes and I. JF certainly knows how to push my buttons to bring me down a notch or two in the self-esteem scale. And even as I write these thoughts, I still wish there was some way for me to be a better mother to Jakes, be the mother who CAN deal with him on a daily basis and make things work. I think only God and Neicy know how badly I want to be that mother. It's just not in the cards right now. Sniff.................

Back to being a deadbeat.....

I'd love to know how he thinks I'm being a deadbeat.... I'm paying my child support and my share of the medical bills. I get Jakes as often as the court order lets me and even ask for extra time, if there is something going with the family that I want to include Jakes in. When I have Jakes, I take him to riding lessons and we do fun things. This weekend, we played on the sandbar, rescued a crab pot, fished and had a cookout. Jakes left here hugging me, saying he had a wonderful weekend with lots of great memories. Me too, kid. Me too!

Yet, I threw my kid out. Hummmmmmm. Yeah, I guess you could say that I did. But not after trying therapies, medication, mentoring, me learning about his diagnoses and ways to work through them. Not until after hours, days, and months of soul searching to make the heart wrenching decision that maybe I couldn't be the mother that jakes needs. But because a$$hat wouldn't respond to my emails about what I was doing with jakes, because he wouldn't come to therapy sessions or even answer the phone when the therapist called him, he didn't know everything that was going on in my house.

To the end of my days, I will always ask myself and wonder if I did enough, the right things to be the mother my child needed.

Now that JF has Jakes on a full time basis, I think he's seeing a lot of the behaviors that I struggled with and they are not the perfectly happy family he thought they would be. He has to take time off work for drs appointments, make arrangements for summer camp, work with the school for his IEP and make sure jakes does homework and all that good stuff.  He has to put someone other than himself first and JF doesn't like that.

If he thinks that I threw Jakes out, that's on him. I will remind myself all that I did to save my relationship with my child and the improvement it took when he moved out.  I just hope that a$$hat isn't tell Jakes that I didn't want him.  I wanted him to stay with me more than almost anything.  But most of all I wanted what was best for my child.  And while it breaks my heart, I also realize that right now, Jakes needs this time with his "father."

When I Feel Like a Failure

I had a lovely weekend.  Jakes was camping with my parents and they had a wonderful time.  They reported that Jakes was very well behaved, helpful and without a smart mouth.  I'm so proud that he was such a help and had a wonderful time with them.  He can't wait to go camping with them again.  Since Jakes has moved, he hasn't had much alone time with them.

ESM reported that she can see a difference in Jakes without his ADHD medication.  He's not unbearable but he had, I guess "ticks" is the best way to describe it.  He would make noises and couldn't seem to control them.  She said they weren't bad, or even too annoying but she also noticed that he didn't do them when he was on the medication.  She was very proud of how Jakes behaved and helped g-pop with setting up and taking down.  I'm very proud of Jakes too.

OH.  His father took him off the meds but didn't tell me.  Jakes told me that he wasn't on them anymore.  And yet, I have a new receipt for a refill of the medication from his father and no explanation from him as to whether Jakes is on or off the medication.  Wonderful parenting.  But that's another story.

Before my concert on Saturday evening, Kathy and I met friends from Maryland for dinner and they attended the concert.   They loved it! and I loved having them there to share my fun.

On the ride to dinner, I chatted with Kathy about needing space and wanting to live my life without having to be saddled with babysitting duties when my parents go out.  I was not THIS blunt with her and she understood. Or so I think.  She asked me to take care of her animals while she goes to FL with my parents at the end of the month.  sigh.  I think I need to move.

In the space of an hour and half, Jakes and I managed to have 4 major blow ups about various things.  Mostly me getting upset with him for his disrespectful way of treating me and other adults.  By the time I had to leave for concert #2, I was feeling so low and like such a failure, it wasn't fun to sing at all.  I just couldn't pull myself up enough to enjoy the concert.  Oh, I was on stage and sang, but there was no enthusiasm from me. booooooo

That lasted for the rest of the evening.  AZ wasn't having a very good day either.  He wasn't feeling well and there were outside forces that annoyed him.  He said he did have a good visit with his son while they were taking JR back home.  I'm glad JR cared enough to talk with his dad and get his mind off his troubles, even for a little while.  JR seems to be a good kid.  I'm looking forward to getting to know him better.

Later Sunday night, Jakes father is making threats to take me to court again.  That's all they are, threats.  And if he actually DOES take me to court, I'm not worried.  I just wish he would respect the restraints and not make those threats.  I will definitely bring that up in court if we go. SO, things in my house on Sunday night were not very pleasant.  I went to bed early.

What was a wonderful start to a weekend, ended an a pretty sour note.  Next weekend will be better.

Disappointed & Discouraged

This weekend left me disappointed and discouraged with myself.  It was a horrid weekend with Jakes.  We started Friday with an argument.  We weren't even back on the highway when I was asking him if he'd like to go back to his dad's for the weekend.  10 minutes in the car and we were arguing already.

Things didn't get much better the rest of the weekend.  I get sick and tired of him contradicting me and telling me I'm wrong.  What should be a simple conversation with him, turns into an argument.  And that's even when I refuse to argue with him.  Then he gets mad at me for not speaking to him.

The final straw on Sunday was when he was arguing with me over the fact that his father is right about the visitation schedule.  It didn't matter what I said or showed him on the calendar, his father was right according to Jakes.  So not only was Jakes arguing with me, he was taking his fathers side of the argument.  And getting loud over it.

I just got tired of being demeaned by my son.  I got tired of feeling like I did when I was married, nothing I said was correct, nothing I did was right, and he (my son) talked to me like I was stupid.  One of the biggest reasons I divorced was because I was tired of the verbal and emotional abuse.  I will not take that same abuse from my child.

I called his father and told him to come and get Jakes immediately, which thankfully he did.

But this lead me to tears.  What kind of a mother can't even handle her child for 2 days each week? I sent my child to live with his father in the hopes that I will be able to have a better relationship with him but that seems to be hit and miss.  I realize with the aspergers, Jakes is not going to be a normal moody teen.  But with that realization, shouldn't I be better prepared to deal with him and his moods?  And since I only have him for 2 days a week, shouldn't I have more patience to be able to stand being with him?

I am disappointed in myself.  I am the adult in this situation, I am the one who should be able to deal with him and his arguments.  I know that he is going to argue with me and try to control me.  But I let him get to me.  I let him push my buttons.  I let him have that power over me.  I know better.

I am discouraged that things don't seem to be changing between Jakes and myself.  Yes, we don't fight physically anymore but that's because all he does is sit and watch TV.  We do argue verbally over things, usually me being wrong.  This move to his Dad's was supposed to be better for both of us.  Yes, there have been improvements but there are still lots of discouraging things between us.

This coming weekend is supposed to be my weekend off from Jakes and I think I will enjoy it.  Right now, I don't want to talk to him or see him.  What kind of mother doesn't want her child?

The Epiphany of Parenthood

I got this idea from an article on Shine from Yahoo.

Growing up, I had a wonderful mother and father. I didn’t always think so at the time. They were too strict, they wouldn’t let me just run wild, they imposed limited on phone-time and a curfew. They parented me and as a teenager, I didn’t like it at all. And I rebelled, usually just yelling at them about how unfair they were being, or staying on the phone with my boyfriend after the parents went to bed. I can’t tell you how many times growing up my mother would say, “I hope you have one JUST like you, then you’ll know how it really is!”

I never paid attention to her ranting; kids were kids and my kids would be the best behaved kids ever. Delusional much?

When I had a child of my own, I was going to be this wonderful mother who attended the kids school functions and provided the cupcakes for his birthday parties at school, all while I worked full-time and kept the house immaculately. Oh and I’d have the most loving husband who was so in love with me. Like I said, delusional……….

There have been so many times over the years that I have been reminded how wonderful my parents were to me; times when Jakes was arguing with me or just not listening to me. All the hours on the road driving to and from after school activities or therapies.

I think my biggest epiphany that Mom was a saint is when Jakes would run to his room and slam his door. I slammed my door so many times and so hard while growing up, I broke the door jam. It’s so hard not to run after him and yell at him for slamming his door. How Mom did it all those years, I’ll never know!

I’m sure we can all share many stories about epiphanies as parents. Please share them in the comments! I’d love to hear them…….

Thursday Thoughts

Its been about two weeks since Jakes moved to his dad's.  The first week was kinda hard for me to adjust to.  I was lonely after work, no one to argue with or nag to get things done or to hide from.

In the middle of the week, he got his phone and would text me throughout the days.  Such a little thing made me so happy!  I didn't miss him as much.

Then the weekend came and it was my time with him.  While we still argued a little and his still has a mouth on him, it was an enjoyable time. I WANTED to spend time with him.  I WANTED to play video games with him.  We were much more relaxed with each other and able to joke around and tease each other.  When it was time for me to say goodbye at the end of the weekend, I was ready for him to go but not in a bad way.  I was coming to realize that this might just be The Right situation for Jakes and me right now.

This past week has been a busy one for me, with traveling for work and election day in the mix and Jakes started school so he hasn't had as much time for texting.  But its ok.  I know he loves me and he knows I love him.  We both know that I'll be there on Friday to get him again.

Last night I went to dinner with my parents and on the way home, I said how much better I've been feeling.  So much less stressed and even happier.  EMS said the same thing.  She said she noticed that I've been laughing much more.  Like at dinner, we were teasing Dad about things and being rowdy in the diner.

Jakes seems to be doing well over at his dad's also. This is his first week of school and he said its ok.  He seemed to have a lot of homework to do.  It will take some time for things to settle in over at his dad's.  I imagine Jakes is on his best behavior and won't argue as much with his dad as he has with me over the years.  Once the "Honeymoon" is over, there might be more troubles in their household.  I hope not, for Jakes sake.

I did everything I could to make things work between Jakes and myself over the years.  I have always believed that a child should be with their mom's, in my way of thinking that was the traditional way of life.  I am coming to realize that there are many different families.  It all depends on what is best for the child.

I think having Jakes out of my home is best for ME.  I can only wait and see if its what is best for him.  But as any good mother will do, if this doesn't work for him, I'll fight to make sure we find a situation that WILL work for him.  Jakes comes first! But right now, I'm at peace with my decision.