Disrespectful

Respect is earned but there are instances when respect is given. Period, no questions asked. Rules are made to be followed no matter who is around to enforce them. This is what I believe and what I'd like to see happen at my house.  This is what I would expect from my child. An adult in the house gets respect period. 

AZ and a buddy packed up right after the holiday for a hunting trip to upstate NY. Because JRs mom is in trouble with the law again, JR stayed home. AZ said he'd be in touch with JR often while he was away.

I don't know how often AZ has been in touch with JR but I haven't heard from AZ much. That's OK. You need quiet and no ringing cell phone to bring home deer meat.

This time with JR has been annoying. He has never been disrespectful to me directly but his total disregard for the rules of the house has erked me to no end.

He has operated on his own schedule; has not informed me of any of his plans and has made a mess of the kitchen at all hours of the day and night.

He brought his girlfriend into his bedroom and shut the door. With me and Jakes in the living room watching TV. That is a big rule broken.

He decided that he didn't feel like going to school yesterday so he didn't.

But because AZ wants to be his "friend" and not the enemy, he let's JR do pretty much whatever he wants. And if I express an opinion or suggest imposing limits for JRs actions I get a shoulder shrug and ignored. I am not allowed to parent JR but then his parents don't do it either.

I have told AZ the bigger infractions by JR but not about the party in the camper on Saturday night, the vodka gummy worms and the vodka kool-aid. That will come when AZ gets home.

I am so disgusted with JRs blatant disregard for the house rules.  I would never ask AZ to choose me over his son and I don't think he would anyway.

I don't hold hope that AZ will change his parenting style.  He takes the least conflicting way out of every situation.

Am I over reacting?  Maybe. But I am very hurt at the way JR took advantage of the situation.  And I've been frustrated and hurt in the past by AZ's inability to discipline and impose reasonable limits for his son.

When AZ gets back, I think we will have to have ANOTHER talk about things.

Playing Ostrich

I've been avoiding Blogging because there are things in my life that I would normally share with all you but that I don't want to share with some people in my Real Life. So because I don't want to put things out to real people, I've avoided my feelings and the problems in my life.

But in my hormonal state last week, I let loose!  The hormones wouldn't allow my filters to protect the people in my life that I care about.  I shouldn't have shared SO much, especially the parts that are not just mine to share.  I knew it was wrong to share so much and I also know it will come back to bite me in the ass.  No matter how much I'm assured that it won't, its gonna.  Someday, its gonna.

Things between AZ and I are not going as well as I would like.  There are health problems that are interfering with a happy ending.  There are feelings (from me) of dislike toward JR.  I thought I was doing well at handling ALL these feelings but then once a month, I get hormonal and loose it.  I have no patience and no filters on my mouth or temper.

AZ has back problems and depression.  With back problems comes pain, with pain comes pain medication. Pain medication has its own side effects on a person and the relationships that person has.  And depression brings a ton of its own problems and issues.

There are so many things about my life that I hate right now.  I hate going home from work in the evenings and watching TV listening to AZ snore.  He doesn't sleep like a normal person, 6-8 hours at a time, he just kinda "naps."  I don't know if its because he can't get comfortable from the pain or if its from the pain medication or both.  But I HATE watching TV basically by myself.

I hate sleeping in the bed alone.  AZ doesn't come to bed because he just naps, all day and all night.  He doesn't come to bed because he doesn't want to disturb my sleep. I appreciate that but a BIG insecurity I have is from when my ex wouldn't come to bed either.  My ex wouldn't come to bed when he was cheating on me.  So sharing a bed is a big thing to me, it helps to reinforce to me the stability of our relationship.

I hate that I just spent much of the weekend cleaning the house and doing laundry.  AZ did help with the laundry a little bit but other than that, he was on the couch.  As I was finishing up with the dusting, he asked if I wanted to watch a TV show.  But it was late and I was SO tired, all  I wanted to do was go to bed.  So one night when he's actually awake, I'm too tired to spend time with him.

I leave the house every weekday to work, to support the household, AZ and JR and I STILL have to clean the house on the weekends.  I thought partners would pitch in where needed.  I thought that AZ would SEE that dusting or vacuuming need to be done.  Or know that the bathroom needs to be cleaned.  Hell, seeing the hamper full of clothes should be a big smack in the face that it needs to be done.

I miss sex.  I thought when AZ and I became a "couple" we would enjoy each other that way.  But with back pain and pain medication, there isn't much happening in the bedroom.

On another day, I will talk about my distrust and dislike of JR and his role in the household.

So right now there is a LOT of resentment from me in this relationship.  And I don't think AZ sees it.  And I am too pissed off about things to address AZ in a calm and rational way, right now.

Deep Thinking

JF has been quite the a$$ lately. I was putting it down to something I did about a bill from the divorce six years ago that set him off again. After an argument this weekend something he said has me thinking that he is resenting that he has to raise his son now.

We were arguing over the fact that he was coming to get Jakes before the court ordered time, once again he's cutting my time with Jakes short. And since it was a wonderful weekend with jakes, I didn't want it to end before it had to.

In one of his text messages back to me, he called me a deadbeat and said that I threw Jakes out. For a short time after getting that text, I did beat myself up for not being a good enough mother to keep my child, to find a way to make things work between Jakes and I. JF certainly knows how to push my buttons to bring me down a notch or two in the self-esteem scale. And even as I write these thoughts, I still wish there was some way for me to be a better mother to Jakes, be the mother who CAN deal with him on a daily basis and make things work. I think only God and Neicy know how badly I want to be that mother. It's just not in the cards right now. Sniff.................

Back to being a deadbeat.....

I'd love to know how he thinks I'm being a deadbeat.... I'm paying my child support and my share of the medical bills. I get Jakes as often as the court order lets me and even ask for extra time, if there is something going with the family that I want to include Jakes in. When I have Jakes, I take him to riding lessons and we do fun things. This weekend, we played on the sandbar, rescued a crab pot, fished and had a cookout. Jakes left here hugging me, saying he had a wonderful weekend with lots of great memories. Me too, kid. Me too!

Yet, I threw my kid out. Hummmmmmm. Yeah, I guess you could say that I did. But not after trying therapies, medication, mentoring, me learning about his diagnoses and ways to work through them. Not until after hours, days, and months of soul searching to make the heart wrenching decision that maybe I couldn't be the mother that jakes needs. But because a$$hat wouldn't respond to my emails about what I was doing with jakes, because he wouldn't come to therapy sessions or even answer the phone when the therapist called him, he didn't know everything that was going on in my house.

To the end of my days, I will always ask myself and wonder if I did enough, the right things to be the mother my child needed.

Now that JF has Jakes on a full time basis, I think he's seeing a lot of the behaviors that I struggled with and they are not the perfectly happy family he thought they would be. He has to take time off work for drs appointments, make arrangements for summer camp, work with the school for his IEP and make sure jakes does homework and all that good stuff.  He has to put someone other than himself first and JF doesn't like that.

If he thinks that I threw Jakes out, that's on him. I will remind myself all that I did to save my relationship with my child and the improvement it took when he moved out.  I just hope that a$$hat isn't tell Jakes that I didn't want him.  I wanted him to stay with me more than almost anything.  But most of all I wanted what was best for my child.  And while it breaks my heart, I also realize that right now, Jakes needs this time with his "father."

Avoidance

Everyone has things they want to avoid, some things are as simple as getting on the scale at the Drs and others are as huge as an illness in your child. No, my child is not ill but I will try to avoid the scale in the Drs Office next week.

What I have been avoiding is the possibility that I have damaged my child in my life choices and insecurities. Even now, I hesitate to type this out but I can’t avoid it any more. In order to fix any damage that is there, I cannot avoid this any longer.

In my first session with the therapist, she was asking about anyone in my life. While I have wonderful family and friends who love and support me, I have not --- I don’t want to offend my loved ones or to make myself seem like I need a man to live happily --- put myself out there to find someone to “complete me”. (Gag – but you get the picture).

For the longest time, my life was just about survival and learning to cope with a special needs child, helping him to acclimate to the new life we were living. I have neglected my emotional fulfillment, it seems. After getting my heart stomped, it is easier for me to be as independent as possible, but it comes with a price, my relationship with Son.

When my friend stopped over the other night, I realized how much I liked having someone there with me after Son was in bed. Someone to cuddle on the couch with, have adult conversations, just BE there with me. For that evening at least, my emotional needs were met and for that I thank my friend! Come back soon!

Moving on:

Because I don’t have anyone in my life regularly to meet my emotional needs (Sorry Neicy, complaining to you doesn’t meet my needs and is totally not fair to YOU! Hugs that you have stuck by me for so long!), I am more easily frustrated with Son’s actions and behaviors. Hearing the therapist describe how my lack of emotional health is making life more difficult for us made me feel like a failure. I am sure the therapist doesn’t think that I am a failure as a mother. I know she was only trying to be helpful and to teach me pieces of what’s wrong in order to be able to point us in a good direction. It still was very hard to hear but necessary, so very necessary because now we can take steps to fix this.

Another thing that I have not discussed with the therapist yet is that I resent Son and his problems, more the disease of Aspergers Syndrome than Son. I hate that we have to have a strict schedule that I have to pay such close attention to EVERY situation to ensure there will not be a meltdown, that because of his disability we argue, and that we have to go back to therapy. I see other families functioning in a way that I wish we could but will never happen because of Aspergers. I see families who make it seem EASY to get through each day, kids who listen to their parents, kids who can get along easily in school, families who don’t seem to have to struggle the way we do. I want that easy. Just for once, I want something to be easy for me to do.

I think a lot of my whining is because I am tired of dealing with this; especially as the only parent. Son’s father doesn’t believe in the diagnosis and provides no help in the therapies. In fact, he probably thinks that I suck as a mother. I know that I don’t, I just feel that way sometimes.  I have the wonderful support of my family and friends but that is not the same as having the other parent help.

The therapist gave some suggestions for me to work on my emotional health. I just need to find what fulfills me and I need to make the time to engage in them. I NEED to make myself healthier for the sake of my son and our relationship.

As you can see, I have TONS of issues and baggage and I have considered therapy just for myself but have decided to wait and see how things go with sharing Son's for now.  I am not afraid to ask for help when I think I need it.  I know that its not too late to fix any damage done to Son and our relationship and I will work to make sure we not only survive this but that we THRIVE in our lives.

Help me out by sharing what fulfills you! Maybe its something that will work for me too!

OH! Thanks for listening!