I've been avoiding Blogging because there are things in my life that I would normally share with all you but that I don't want to share with some people in my Real Life. So because I don't want to put things out to real people, I've avoided my feelings and the problems in my life.
But in my hormonal state last week, I let loose! The hormones wouldn't allow my filters to protect the people in my life that I care about. I shouldn't have shared SO much, especially the parts that are not just mine to share. I knew it was wrong to share so much and I also know it will come back to bite me in the ass. No matter how much I'm assured that it won't, its gonna. Someday, its gonna.
Things between AZ and I are not going as well as I would like. There are health problems that are interfering with a happy ending. There are feelings (from me) of dislike toward JR. I thought I was doing well at handling ALL these feelings but then once a month, I get hormonal and loose it. I have no patience and no filters on my mouth or temper.
AZ has back problems and depression. With back problems comes pain, with pain comes pain medication. Pain medication has its own side effects on a person and the relationships that person has. And depression brings a ton of its own problems and issues.
There are so many things about my life that I hate right now. I hate going home from work in the evenings and watching TV listening to AZ snore. He doesn't sleep like a normal person, 6-8 hours at a time, he just kinda "naps." I don't know if its because he can't get comfortable from the pain or if its from the pain medication or both. But I HATE watching TV basically by myself.
I hate sleeping in the bed alone. AZ doesn't come to bed because he just naps, all day and all night. He doesn't come to bed because he doesn't want to disturb my sleep. I appreciate that but a BIG insecurity I have is from when my ex wouldn't come to bed either. My ex wouldn't come to bed when he was cheating on me. So sharing a bed is a big thing to me, it helps to reinforce to me the stability of our relationship.
I hate that I just spent much of the weekend cleaning the house and doing laundry. AZ did help with the laundry a little bit but other than that, he was on the couch. As I was finishing up with the dusting, he asked if I wanted to watch a TV show. But it was late and I was SO tired, all I wanted to do was go to bed. So one night when he's actually awake, I'm too tired to spend time with him.
I leave the house every weekday to work, to support the household, AZ and JR and I STILL have to clean the house on the weekends. I thought partners would pitch in where needed. I thought that AZ would SEE that dusting or vacuuming need to be done. Or know that the bathroom needs to be cleaned. Hell, seeing the hamper full of clothes should be a big smack in the face that it needs to be done.
I miss sex. I thought when AZ and I became a "couple" we would enjoy each other that way. But with back pain and pain medication, there isn't much happening in the bedroom.
On another day, I will talk about my distrust and dislike of JR and his role in the household.
So right now there is a LOT of resentment from me in this relationship. And I don't think AZ sees it. And I am too pissed off about things to address AZ in a calm and rational way, right now.