I sit here this morning watching the flag flutter in the breeze, remembering all the soilders who gave their lives for my freedom. Who knows what my life would be like without their sacrifice and the sacrifice of their families.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
I love the comments I get on some of my posts, I don’t get very many but I love the ones that are there. I have always gotten wonderful, happy, uplifting comments from you guys. Thank you SO much for that!
One comment I received recently was from Tanya @ Teen Autism. She is a single mother with a teenage son on the spectrum that I follow. I have learned a lot from her posts and she has some great links to other sites for help in dealing with our Spectrum Kids.
Tanya said (of my Avoidance post) “I can so relate to this post! Pretty much in the same boat. And its hard to date when our special-needs kids take up so much of our focus”
First, her comment made me feel like its ok that I haven’t moved on and that I shouldn’t feel guilty over it, which is some of what the Avoidance post was about. And that I am not the only one out there with this feeling. Thank you for that, Tanya!
Second, her comment made me start to think that there should be a balance between how much we give to our kids and how much time we take for ourselves. I think this goes for all parents, not just those with special needs kids. When you become a parent, it is easy to loose who you are while giving your all to the kids.
What I need to do is find that balance, and I know it’s a delicate one to find, between focusing on Son and focusing on ME. As I was typing this, I remembered a conversation with my therapist about this. Obviously, I have not been practicing what she taught me back then.
I thought I was. When Son is with his father, I take time to do things I like to do; travel, bike ride, catch up on TV or books, spend time with friends and family. But maybe I need to do more than just the times the kid is not home. Maybe I need to start MAKING time for me.
So, I am back to my original conclusion that I need to work on my emotional health and have to figure out how to do that. While I would like to share my life with someone else, I don’t like the idea that my emotional health depends on that happening. So I will have to work to find what makes me happy without relying on someone else.
Friday, May 28, 2010
I posted almost a month ago about poor Saylors having a broken foot and had to be crated so it could heal. She went to the vet over the weekend and he pronounced her healed! YAY! So she went from this:
My High Maintenance Kitty wanting to go outside
Thursday, May 27, 2010
WAY to far ahead!
He decided that he would meet Son at the bus stop and took the Tricycle along so Son could ride back with him. Here is what he did:
Unfortunately, Son was at Music Lessons and didn't take the bus home. Tomorow is another day!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
I think Random Tuesdays is my favorite meme!
I had a lovely weekend! I wish there were more of those but I guess weekdays are necessary.
Since the beginning of April, I have been to the Vet’s office at least once per week. This week marks the second week in almost 2 months that I do NOT have to take one of the animals to see him. I am hoping to get through the month of June without going to see him. Then at the beginning of July, Jaxon will be going to get snipped! Poor baby!
I am working on making Drs and dentist appointments for Son and I for all the yearly checkups. Next Tuesday, I get to go to the eye Dr. Maybe he can help me with my headaches.
Son and I are going to therapy again tonight. I am anxious to see how he behaves after the last visit. Oh! I just looked back at my old posts and see I didn’t let you all know how it went. My Bad!
Anyway, Son behaved atrociously with her. He was all over the floor, under chairs, hiding behind the couch, and when he was asked questions he would not answer them appropriately. I mean, he gave the correct answers but he was yelling, making silly faces, and just acting completely un-Son-like. I made sure the therapist knew that this was not normal behavior for him. So, you can see why I am curious to see how he will behave tonight.
I am going on the class trip with Son on Friday. We have to be AT his school at 6:30 AM to head for the beach. They are going on a boat ride that will teach about the local sealife. Ok, whose BRIGHT idea was it to head to the beach on the FIRST weekend of the summer season? Can you imagine the traffic we are going to be stuck in, ON A SCHOOL BUS? I will be having wine Friday evening!
Son will be at his Dad's this weekend. Wonder what kind of trouble I can get into? Suggestions?
Ok, I’m outta randomness but there is lots more over at The Un-Mom’s place! Check her out, she’s AWESOMENESS!
Monday, May 24, 2010
Everyone has things they want to avoid, some things are as simple as getting on the scale at the Drs and others are as huge as an illness in your child. No, my child is not ill but I will try to avoid the scale in the Drs Office next week.
What I have been avoiding is the possibility that I have damaged my child in my life choices and insecurities. Even now, I hesitate to type this out but I can’t avoid it any more. In order to fix any damage that is there, I cannot avoid this any longer.
In my first session with the therapist, she was asking about anyone in my life. While I have wonderful family and friends who love and support me, I have not --- I don’t want to offend my loved ones or to make myself seem like I need a man to live happily --- put myself out there to find someone to “complete me”. (Gag – but you get the picture).
For the longest time, my life was just about survival and learning to cope with a special needs child, helping him to acclimate to the new life we were living. I have neglected my emotional fulfillment, it seems. After getting my heart stomped, it is easier for me to be as independent as possible, but it comes with a price, my relationship with Son.
When my friend stopped over the other night, I realized how much I liked having someone there with me after Son was in bed. Someone to cuddle on the couch with, have adult conversations, just BE there with me. For that evening at least, my emotional needs were met and for that I thank my friend! Come back soon!
Because I don’t have anyone in my life regularly to meet my emotional needs (Sorry Neicy, complaining to you doesn’t meet my needs and is totally not fair to YOU! Hugs that you have stuck by me for so long!), I am more easily frustrated with Son’s actions and behaviors. Hearing the therapist describe how my lack of emotional health is making life more difficult for us made me feel like a failure. I am sure the therapist doesn’t think that I am a failure as a mother. I know she was only trying to be helpful and to teach me pieces of what’s wrong in order to be able to point us in a good direction. It still was very hard to hear but necessary, so very necessary because now we can take steps to fix this.
Another thing that I have not discussed with the therapist yet is that I resent Son and his problems, more the disease of Aspergers Syndrome than Son. I hate that we have to have a strict schedule that I have to pay such close attention to EVERY situation to ensure there will not be a meltdown, that because of his disability we argue, and that we have to go back to therapy. I see other families functioning in a way that I wish we could but will never happen because of Aspergers. I see families who make it seem EASY to get through each day, kids who listen to their parents, kids who can get along easily in school, families who don’t seem to have to struggle the way we do. I want that easy. Just for once, I want something to be easy for me to do.
I think a lot of my whining is because I am tired of dealing with this; especially as the only parent. Son’s father doesn’t believe in the diagnosis and provides no help in the therapies. In fact, he probably thinks that I suck as a mother. I know that I don’t, I just feel that way sometimes. I have the wonderful support of my family and friends but that is not the same as having the other parent help.
The therapist gave some suggestions for me to work on my emotional health. I just need to find what fulfills me and I need to make the time to engage in them. I NEED to make myself healthier for the sake of my son and our relationship.
As you can see, I have TONS of issues and baggage and I have considered therapy just for myself but have decided to wait and see how things go with sharing Son's for now. I am not afraid to ask for help when I think I need it. I know that its not too late to fix any damage done to Son and our relationship and I will work to make sure we not only survive this but that we THRIVE in our lives.
Help me out by sharing what fulfills you! Maybe its something that will work for me too!
OH! Thanks for listening!
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Its Sunday evening and here I sit at my desk watching a beautiful sunset with a glass of wine. What a Lovely way to end a lovely weekend!
Friday I rode my bike to and from work for the first time. I made the 3.5 miles trek in 17 minutes! When I came home, I helped Dad put his new truck cap on so he could be in the local Memorial Day Parade on Saturday with Son.
Saturday, I ran a few errands, did a little housework, attempted to watch a movie in the evening but got distracted. It was a good distraction in the form of a good friend! I love it when friends stop by! :)
Sunday, I helped my BFF pack her daughters' apartment in Virginia up and move it back to NJ. What Fun! Actually, I did enjoy myself. Neicy and I had good conversations on the ride to and fro, lots of laughs as we packed the truck to capacity! Even laughs as we sat under an overpass to wait out the rain storm.
Now, I am relaxing, watching the sunset and relaxing some more. Couldn't be a better weekend!
Hope yours was a great as mine was!
On deck for this week: another therapy session, no vet visits, Son's class trip and a long weekend!
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Ok. I’m single and have been since my divorce. I have taken lots of time to heal myself and to hopefully figure out who I am. My divorce was hard on me then add into that having my son diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome at the same time didn’t make it any easier. I was a walking zombie for many years.
But, I have had counseling for me and for Son. I have a good group of friends and family but I want more. I want someone to be my partner and to share our lives together. So I have started looking, in my neighborhood and online.
I live in a pretty rural county, lots of farms and farmers but not lots of single ones my age. So while keeping an eye out on the locals, I also created a profile online to see what’s out in the big beautiful world. I have gotten some flirting and started talking with someone via email. I setup a throw-away email to give out and was very careful about what personal information I shared with him.
My complaint is that at first the guy sounded pretty good. I loved his profile and we sounded quite compatible. Now, after a few emails, it’s getting weird. He was telling me about his family and where he grew up. But it was confusing. In one sentence he grew up in Portland, in the next he graduated from first and second schools in Mexico. He met his late wife in the Netherlands and his father just moved back to Nigeria where he used to live. See? WEIRD. So, since I think he is not a real person looking for a real relationship, I won’t be emailing with him anymore.
My problem: HOW do you know when it’s a real person and not some freak on the other end? I guess you don’t until you talk with them a bit. You just have to be VERY careful when putting yourself out there. I Promise to be careful!
And if anyone out there knows a good way to meet someone, let me know! I'm open to ideas.....
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Last year, Son was given a tomato plant which we planted in a pot and Son was responsible for making sure it got watered and loved. He shared his tomatoes with the Compound and was very proud of his growing skills. My dad also planted a few tomato plants but they didn’t do very well. The soil where they were is very sandy (I mean, we do live on the water!) and tomatoes didn’t like the sand. Son got more tomatoes from his ONE plant than Dad did from his 3.
Son's First Tomato 2009
Son's Tomato Plant 2010
Dad has taken a page from Son's book and planted one tomato plant in a pot in the ground. His is looking pretty good as well! Dad's plant has MANY blossoms on it already too.
Dad's Tomato Plant 2010
Now we just need some warm weather and Bees to see who will win the Great Tomato Battle 2010!
I will keep you posted on the results!
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
I love the Random Tuesday Thoughts. Go see Keely for more Random Fun!
I learned that being in a tent during a thunder storm is NOT the best idea. I was at a beef and beer on Friday when a thunder storm blew in. It was a pretty solid tent but the thought of being around metal poles with lightening flashing in the sky was a little unnerving. Then the wind started and it sounded like a train was roaring by outside. FUN!
Son gets to meet the therapist tonight. I hope that he gets along well with her. Things between he and I have improved a little. I think the threat of going to see someone made him toe the line for a while. I have also been kicking around somethings that she said to me. Things that were kinda hurtful to me but I also know that she didn't mean them that way. Things that I really need to work on in my head and with her.
I have been So tired lately. I sleep all night long and wake up tired. I don't have any energy for anything. I need to figure out WHY. I have things to do that I just don't have the energy to deal with right now.
Well, I guess I am not as random as I thought. Gotta run to get the kid from music lessons! Tah Tah for now!
Friday, May 14, 2010
I have a brother named Jimmy. My name of course if Amy. My brother was more or less a sloth (still is!) and didn't cause too much trouble. Me on the other hand was slightly ADHD and loved to explore and create trouble. Usually aimed at my brother.
Anyway, when I was causing trouble Mom would get mad and try to yell my name but Jimmy's would start to come out first. "JIM-AMY!" (sounding like Jaime) could be heard around the neighborhood. It got to the point where neither Jimmy or I would answer cause that was not our names. Which would make Mom even madder. HA! When she came out with First, Middle and LAST name, LOOK OUT! And wait for your father to get home! We would tease mom (when she wasn't mad at us) about the third kid in the house. tee he!
When I was kicking around names for the puppy, I fell in love with calling him Jaxon. But I was afraid that it would be too close to Son's name (Jacob). When I am typing about the two of them, I find that I get mixed up. Jacob becomes Jacon and Jaxon becomes Jaxob. Nice.
Today, I became my mother. I totally messed up Jaxon's name and called him Jason. Son heard it and fell on the floor laughing. Where that came from, I have NO clue. Other than that I was channeling my mother.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Have you ever been in bed and been so comfortable you feel like you are floating in the air? There is no bed around you, you are sort of asleep but almost awake at the same time. Its HEAVENLY and the only time I experienced it was when I was on percocet for a broken wrist. Then last night happened. I was floating again! It was so nice! Then the alarm went off. Crap.
Mothers Day was pretty nice at my house. I made Cinnabons, Nancy went to Dunkin Donuts and we had breakfast at my parents house. YUMMMMMM!
Things with Son have been a little better. I don’t know if it’s the threat of therapy, the new technique I have been practicing with him or the fact that last week they had the state testing and Son didn’t have any homework all week. I don’t care what the reason was as long as it continues.
Dad has an appointment with the University of PA for an evaluation to see if he is eligible for the heart transplant list as well as to see if he is a candidate for the pump-thingy. I can’t wait to find out what’s going to be the next step.
Go and check out the other random-ness at the Un-Mom!
Monday, May 10, 2010
I am not a person that believes your dreams are a key to your future. I also am not a person who looks into my dreams to see what they are saying about me. I don’t usually remember my dreams in the morning.
Lately, I have had a couple that were VERY vivid and have stayed with me not only through the morning but I have been hanging onto them. The one dream, I know what it means and am working on it. HA!
This other dream is pretty significant to me because it tells me how much I am worried about things in my life. It also shows me that I am on the right path to fixing those things.
In this dream, Son and I are in the River only its REALLY high and its like flooding our house. The waves are fierce too. We are getting battered around like crazy. I have Saylors with us too. Yes, she plays an important role in real life in this instance.
Son and I are fighting over the best way to work with the waves and save ourselves. That’s when I hit the wall in my dream. A wave drove me forward and I hit HARD. Son takes Saylors from me and throws her at the wall too. Another wave pounds me, only this time I go under. I can’t figure out how to dodge these waves. I keep getting pummeled and I feel like I am drowning.
Then a little fairy in a green tutu complete with wings and a surf board comes over to us and tells me to duck UNDER the waves. WOW! A simple suggestion and while its not getting us OUT of the waves and water, at least I can control the situation a little better and don’t feel so panicked about it. That’s when I woke up. Still feeling a little out of breath, I think I was holding it when I ducked under the waves in my dream, but also with a sense of control.
See, Son and I have been fighting TONS here. He is grounded always and can never seem to change his behaviors to get un-grounded. I have been majorly stressed out over this and hating to come home to the turmoil of Son. He also has been hurting our animals. He started with Jaxon and I made excuses that he was jealous; he didn’t know how to handle a dog and many others.
Then when Saylors got hurt and he admitted to doing it, I panicked. I called his old therapist who doesn’t take our insurance. She called a colleague of hers at the place that does take our insurance and we got in the next day. Actually, only I met with her to bring her up to speed on what is going on. She is going to see Son next week but in the meantime, she gave me some tips to try and deal with him in a more effective way.
The best tip was to speak in a calm voice without emotion. See, Son’s Asperger’s’ hinders him from processing emotions appropriately and emotions can tend to freak him out. So if I can remove the emotional outbursts from ME, it should help him to cope better with life in general.
While I wasn’t looking forward to this weekend with Son because of how we have been in the past few months, I did my best to apply her tip. It turned out to be a pretty good weekend. Not perfect, not totally without conflict and emotional outbursts but a definite improvement.
I don’t feel like I am getting pounded into the wall ALL the time and I certainly am not drowning anymore. I have a lifeline and a fairy to help guide me.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Saylors has been spending more time in the house since her accident. Obviously, I have her caged. She whines every time someone comes near her. She keeps hoping that someone will let her out. She is even putting up with Jaxon sniffing around the cage.
Jaxon lost his ball to her tail. He would dive for the ball and she would wrap her tail around it. Jax would back off and she would lift her tail from it. He started barking at the cage when she would do it.
I let her have her fun for a little while, then I saved his ball for him. Sneaky Kitty.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
What a beautiful sight to come home too!
The A.J. Meerwald, a restored oyster schooner is docked locally this week.
She sailed by my house at lunchtime yesterday and Jaxon and I were on the beach to welcome her in.
IT GETS BETTER! I was able to get tickets for Son and I to sail on her!
Son helped hoist the sail to get us underway.
We sailed past The Compound and waved to everyone.
Crew members were hanging over the edge. YIKES!
Son steered the boat. And didn't sink us!
He helped fold the flag. Don't panic! Its the A.J. Meerwold flag on the deck, NOT the stars and bars.
We watched the sunset on the way home.
We docked and came home.
But what a WONDERFUL way to spend an evening.
There are not many other ways that can top this!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Dad is doing a pretty good job watching the grass. The front yard is looking pretty good.
He thought he was going to spread some more seed over the weekend and his body just laughed at him. So while he sat in a chair, his good daughter took orders and did as he instructed.
We have this cool sprinkler that "walks" along the hose and waters. You just have to turn it off when it gets to the end. Only we keep forgetting to turn it off and we end up watering Kathy's house too!
But the yard is looking pretty good! I can't wait till we are allowed to use it again.
I have to do a small tribute to my cousin Dawn and her Hubby, John. They came over and put Dad's A/C's in over the weekend. I didn't even know she read my blog! I posted about needing help and she was messaging me within minutes! Dawn and John, you are life savers! Literally in this case! THANK YOU SO MUCH! Love you both!
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
I took a few minutes to slow down and watch the sunset last night. It was GORGEOUS! Yes, I will share.
It was over by 7:56pm.
This morning I was feeding the animals and noticed the sunrise. Another gorgeous view.
Both of these pictures are facing west.
I know the sun rises in the east but there were clouds that way and it was prettier facing this way.
Monday, May 3, 2010
I hate needles. I mean I REALLY hate needles. And they don't even have to be directed to me. I cannot watch someone else get a needle. I can't watch ME get a needle and I even tend to pass out with them. I am the worlds biggest sissy when it comes to needles.
But I did this:
Its not too late to chicken out yet.
NOW its' too late. And it HURTS!
The Finished Project. Its beautiful! And worth it.
When I was in Hawaii in 2006, I found a magnet that I loved and was going to get a tat in Hawaii but we didn't have time. I kept the magnet so that one day I would get the courage to do this. DONE! What's next on the bucket list?
Neicy got TWO! One on her ankle and one on her shoulder.
She didn't even flinch.
This is for her granddaughter, Haley.
This is the zodiac signs for her three kids, Taurus, Leo and Aquarius.
It turned out gorgeous and I can't wait to see it without all the redness and blood! OUCH!
Sunday, May 2, 2010
I talk A LOT about Jaxon, the new puppy and a little bit about the two kitties, Saylors and Kitters. Saylors is a very beautiful grey and black girl kitty with green eyes. I have always called her my high maintenance kitty because she always seems to be complaining about something and is always wanting love.
See, Pretty Kitty.
Anyway, the other night I noticed that she was limping and checked her out. She didn't seem to be complaining too much and she could still get around so I didn't think it was serious enough for the emergency hospital. The next day I did take her to the regular vet who said she has 2 broken toes. Ouchies! Poor baby!
The vet said to cast her foot would be difficult and since she was able to walk on it some, he recommended that I crate her for about 3 weeks. Oh crap. First, I didn't have a crate big enough for her, a litter box and food dishes. I do have a crate for the dog but he NEEDS to be in it too. Putting them together would be silly. HA!
I texted Neicy's daughter, Allison cause she has a big dog and is known to foster other big dogs. She had a crate that I can borrow! YAY! Love it! So here is Saylors all settled in, not happy with having her freedom curtailed but she will heal properly this way.
Every time someone walks near the cage she yells to get out. Poor Saylors!
I wish someone would crate me and bring me all my meals for 3 weeks!