I Want to WANT to Sing

I've written before how much I love to sing.  I would sing in the car, in the house and finally I joined a choir and sang with them.

I have loved to sing with them.  They are a wonderful, support group of people who gather together to share their love of music with each other and the community.

I was looking forward to going back to singing in September.  But in September, Dad was getting worse and finally died.  For the first couple of weeks, I looked forward to going to sing.  We were getting ready for our holiday concert and I love Christmas music.

By the third week, I was dreading going out of the house for anything other than work or to see Daddy and Jakes.  Going to singing practice was a chore, a hassle and not something I wanted to do anymore.

After Dad died, I tried to go back to singing.  I've tried to get life back to "normal".  Or the new "normal".

But I still dreaded going to choir practice.  I still dreaded going out of the house other than for work and necessary things.  So I scheduled visits with my therapist and she only had time on the same nights as choir practice.

I miss singing but I still don't feel like singing.  Not in the car, the shower or with the choir.  I will put music on in the car with the intention of singing. I start singing and then stop. I just don't feel like singing.

I want to WANT to sing. But I don't right now.  This is a goal of mine.  I am working toward it.  Some days it feels like I am getting some where. Other days, it feels like I am 15,000 steps behind where I started.

I will sing again, eventually.  One step at a time.

Weakness vs. High Expectations

I feel weak. Not physically but mentally.Here I am whining about my life again.  This blog was started to be a therapy place for me but I also expected that I would be able to get past that and move onto a happier place. But here I am again, whining about being lonely, whining about my father's illness and so much more.

Since I haven't moved forward, I feel weak. I feel like I am playing a victim.  I am sick and tired of whining about my life.  I am just sick and tired of being in my own head.

I have a friend who insists I am the strongest person she knows.  I don't feel strong.  I feel that if I were strong, I wouldn't be whining about all this.  I wouldn't want to hide under the covers in bed and cry all day long.  If I were strong, I wouldn't have run and hid from this blog.  If I were strong, I would be able to find the happiness in my life.  If I were strong, I wouldn't....... there's just so many to name.

I want to be strong. I want to be happy.  I want to be a part of a couple. I  want to be out in the world with a happy and shining face.  There are so many wants that I have and I just can't seem to accomplish them.

Am I expecting too much of myself to think I can handle the break up/move+loneliness+Dad being sick?  Shouldn't I be able to handle all this, process all this and still be happy? I think I should be able to.  But then you have to add in disappointment in myself for being in this whining place again.

I have high expectations of myself and sometimes beat myself up for what I see as failures or mistakes.  

Right now I feel that I should be over the break up.  I mean I didn't "love" him and we didn't really have a relationship because he was stoned all the time.  We shared a house and an occasional conversation.  I don't miss him.  I miss the house and just the fact that there was someone else in the house making noise.  There were times when he would make me feel like we were a couple but those times were few and far between.

But once again, I failed at a relationship.  It doesn't matter that I worked very hard to make it work and the other partner in the relationship didn't want it to work, I am still disappointed in myself over the failure.  And I am still beating myself up over the failure.  I haven't moved on from it and that is irrational.  This is definitely something I need to work on, along with so much else.

I'm A Flip-Flop

Things between AZ and I haven't been all roses and honey.  I knew when he moved back here that he had problems with his health and depression.  But the biggest reason for him moving back here was so that he could get his butt in gear, take care of his problems and be nearer to friends and family for support.  When he was in AZ, he was ALL.BY.HIMSELF.  Its scary to be by yourself and sick at the same time.

He's been back here since March and hasn't done much of anything to move forward with certain things.  He's spent a lot of time on the couch, zoned out by the TV and anxiety medications.  That's left me alone for a lot of the time.  I don't want to sit in the living room listening to him snore. So I retreated to my room.

When he came back here, he gained custody of his 16 year old son.  Not something I bargained for when he moved back.  But, I would never expect him or any other man to tell me I had to choose between me or the kids.  Our Kids Come FIRST.  So, AZ came with JR.

JR came with issues of his own.  In trouble with the law (which he cleaned up), trouble with drugs (which he cleaned up) and just generally having to raise himself because his mother wasn't a "mom" and had her own legal and drug problems. Not to mention he's a TEENAGER!  That's difficult in and of its self.

With AZ being out of it, he didn't do much parenting of JR, which bugged me.  I would classify myself as a helicopter mom, very involved in every aspect of Jakes life.  I tried to have patience with AZ and JR as they found their "way" but there are still a lot of things that bug me about AZ's parenting style.

AZ hasn't seemed to make any effort to get a job.  He was working with a friend on construction projects but they haven't had any jobs since October.  We need a steady income.  I can't support all these people on my salary.

Over the months, I would make up my mind that things weren't fixable and that I would be leaving.  Then we would have a couple of good days or a good week and I would decide to try and make things work.  Then things would go back to where they were. 

I flip-flop on everything!  I want things to work between us but I can't make it work on my own.

By Christmas, I was ready to walk out on AZ and everything that we could possibly have together.  I felt justified in leaving because there is no partnership, no sharing of lives.  We've drift so far apart, he was so out of it most of the time, I didn't want to be around that and there just didn't seem to be anything that could be done to change things.

 I don't want to place all the blame on AZ.  A lot of it, yes.  But I have to take responsibility for my part in this failure as well.  I didn't TALK to AZ about my feelings.  I didn't tell him how his parenting style bugs me.  I didn't give him a chance to tell me why he was taking such a hands-off approach to JR.  I didn't tell him how frustrated and lonely I have been while he's been on the couch.

My therapist wants me to figure out WHY I haven't talked to him about things.  Why have I let things get so far gone.  That is something I can't answer yet.  I'm still pondering.  I'm not going to let it go, I need to figure out why I retreated so easily, especially after I fought so hard to save my marriage (which had already failed without my knowledge).

Things did come to a head between AZ and I.  BUT we are talking more, expressing our fears and frustrations.  He is stepping up to be more of a participant in the household and our relationship.  I am stepping up a little more to guide him in parenting.  We have to find a happy medium between my parenting and his.  JR doesn't need all the parenting that I've given to Jakes over the years.  But he needs more than he's gotten from his father up to this point.

I've been saying that AZ seems to have put his Big Girl Panties on and is stepping up to try and take control of his life again.  I'm very proud of him for this.  I know it would be much easier for him to sit in stupor and let me walk out than it is for him to step up and live.  I told him I will be there to help him along the path as much as he'll allow me to.

Only time will tell if we can make this work.  I know life sends screwballs at you all the time, we just have to be ready to catch them and hit a home run.  Together.  As a Family.

Homework

Therapy involves homework sometimes.  At least if you want to get something out of therapy.  Or at least that's how its been for me.  I have had two wonderful therapists and they both have always given me homework.

When I go to them, I usually already have a goal of what I want out of therapy.  Not to be depressed, help with knowing when its time to end the marriage, help with managing my child and still having a good relationship with him.  Not everyone who goes into therapy goes there with goals in mind.  But that's where the therapist comes into the picture, to figure out why the person is there and what their goal should be for the visits.

One of my friends was surprised that I have homework from therapy.  But then this person has never been in therapy, just evaluated and then they blow off the therapy portion.  But that is also part of their mental health problem.

I haven't been to see her in over a year, not since I needed guidance on switching custody of Jakes.  When I told her about the situation I was there to discuss, she yelled at ME.  giggle    

She knows I have the skills to take care of this problem on my own.  She taught them to me!

So that is part of my homework, why I felt the need to come to her instead of handling it on my own.  Figure out why I didn't want to confront things on my own.

So, Therapy comes with homework.  And since I go back to see her next week, I probably should get started on it.  Right after I finish reading about mental health licensure in the State.

Deep Thinking

JF has been quite the a$$ lately. I was putting it down to something I did about a bill from the divorce six years ago that set him off again. After an argument this weekend something he said has me thinking that he is resenting that he has to raise his son now.

We were arguing over the fact that he was coming to get Jakes before the court ordered time, once again he's cutting my time with Jakes short. And since it was a wonderful weekend with jakes, I didn't want it to end before it had to.

In one of his text messages back to me, he called me a deadbeat and said that I threw Jakes out. For a short time after getting that text, I did beat myself up for not being a good enough mother to keep my child, to find a way to make things work between Jakes and I. JF certainly knows how to push my buttons to bring me down a notch or two in the self-esteem scale. And even as I write these thoughts, I still wish there was some way for me to be a better mother to Jakes, be the mother who CAN deal with him on a daily basis and make things work. I think only God and Neicy know how badly I want to be that mother. It's just not in the cards right now. Sniff.................

Back to being a deadbeat.....

I'd love to know how he thinks I'm being a deadbeat.... I'm paying my child support and my share of the medical bills. I get Jakes as often as the court order lets me and even ask for extra time, if there is something going with the family that I want to include Jakes in. When I have Jakes, I take him to riding lessons and we do fun things. This weekend, we played on the sandbar, rescued a crab pot, fished and had a cookout. Jakes left here hugging me, saying he had a wonderful weekend with lots of great memories. Me too, kid. Me too!

Yet, I threw my kid out. Hummmmmmm. Yeah, I guess you could say that I did. But not after trying therapies, medication, mentoring, me learning about his diagnoses and ways to work through them. Not until after hours, days, and months of soul searching to make the heart wrenching decision that maybe I couldn't be the mother that jakes needs. But because a$$hat wouldn't respond to my emails about what I was doing with jakes, because he wouldn't come to therapy sessions or even answer the phone when the therapist called him, he didn't know everything that was going on in my house.

To the end of my days, I will always ask myself and wonder if I did enough, the right things to be the mother my child needed.

Now that JF has Jakes on a full time basis, I think he's seeing a lot of the behaviors that I struggled with and they are not the perfectly happy family he thought they would be. He has to take time off work for drs appointments, make arrangements for summer camp, work with the school for his IEP and make sure jakes does homework and all that good stuff.  He has to put someone other than himself first and JF doesn't like that.

If he thinks that I threw Jakes out, that's on him. I will remind myself all that I did to save my relationship with my child and the improvement it took when he moved out.  I just hope that a$$hat isn't tell Jakes that I didn't want him.  I wanted him to stay with me more than almost anything.  But most of all I wanted what was best for my child.  And while it breaks my heart, I also realize that right now, Jakes needs this time with his "father."

Sunday Check In

Its been a long week for me.  I know I've been whining a lot on here about Jakes and my decision to send him to live with his father.  But this is my space to whine and writing about my thoughts helps me to organize my mind and work through my feelings. 

This week, Jakes behavior has been much better.  Don't get me wrong, there is still his disrespect and arguments over getting things done, but he's been less argumentative.  He also has been less angry with me. 

He told me he doesn't want to be sent away.  This of course lead to my explaining to him that I'm not sending him away but that I'm trying to give him an opportunity to be happier and have a better relationship with me and his father.  I don't think he bought it.  lol

His admission that he doesn't want to go also raised my motherly protection instincts to their highest levels.  I started questioning whether what I've decided is REALLY the right thing to do.  Jakes asked for my help, he wants me to find a way to help our relationship with him staying with me.  He wants me to "think outside the box".  He wants me to fix it like a mother is supposed to, but so that he gets his way.

I don't know what else to do to help us. I am convinced that his living with his father IS the solution, at least for now.  If things don't work out at his fathers, then we'll think outside the box for another solution.

This fighting instinct resulted in an emergency session with my therapist.  She is wonderful to have fit me in so quickly.  I am getting the same support for my decision across the board, from my therapist, my friends, and my family.

This has been the hardest decision I've ever had to make.  I have finally accepted that its the best decision for the resources I have at my disposal.  Jakes is going to have a wonderful opportunity to get to know his father, to know what its like to live in a family with a mother figure, a father figure and a sibling.  This is something I cannot give him at this point in our life.  He'll have a male role model (his father) and that's something every 12 year old boy should have, if the opportunity presents itself.

I will still be very active in Jakes life, I will get him every weekend.  I will still be involved in his school career and his medical conditions.

Now to get Jakes to understand all this. And to start packing him up.

The Decision Has Been Made

I was actually very proud of myself because lately, there hasn't been much turmoil in my life to blog about.  Jakes and I had been doing pretty well, just the normal butting of heads, nothing much to worry about.  JF has been quiet and cooperative.

Since school has started, Jakes and I have been butting heads more often over his school work.  He doesn't think that I should monitor it.  He says that he can do it.  And when I talk to him about missing assignments or failing grades, he gets hostile, mean and this morning, violent.

Earlier this week, I was able to talk with him calmly to explain that I am legally responsible for monitoring his work.  But that if he is actually doing the work and getting passing grades, I wouldn't have to nag him about it.  It would be like I'm not monitoring him at all.  He said that he understood and that he could do it and make the passing grades.  I told him that's great, now show me.

I haven't checked his grades for a couple of days, he said he didn't have homework, other than reading.  I told him I wanted the reading done before we go away on Saturday and he said he'd get it done.

This morning, his reading folder was on the kitchen counter and I looked to see how many lines he has.  Only 2 out of 20.  I told him he needs to get reading or we weren't going away this weekend and I would cancel his riding lesson as well.  He got mad and started yelling at me.  I sent him to his room. 

While there, I checked the grades online and he's failing 2 classes because of not turning in homework. When he came out of his room, I mentioned that he has assignments to turn in and he flipped out.  Instead of walking away, I flipped right back at him.

Leaving out lots of details, we ended up in a power struggle, with him pushing me, me pushing him back and lots of screaming.  I told him I was calling the child welfare office to report this and get their assistance in transferring custody to his father.  I told him to get his school stuff and get out of my house.

I was wrong for not walking away, but I am SO sick and tired of the power struggle between us.  He thinks he is in charge and won't accept that he's not.  I've tried to explain it to him when we're both calm and of course I've screamed it at him.  I've done therapy with him, without him. I've done family stabilization programs, in home therapies.  I'm on medication, he's on medication.  And I don't know where else to turn for help.

Its time for his father to step up and be a father.  I do not feel safe in the home with my child anymore.  I should not have to be treated this way by my child.  My child should not be treated this way by me.  I have done everything I know how in order to make life better for my child and myself.  I think at this point, the only way to salvage my relationship with my child is to let him go.

Fun Facts

I guess there is always something to learn, each and every day.  Yesterday, I learned several new facts about Aspergers Syndrome.  Yesterday, we went to the neurologist to follow up on Jakes seizure back in March.  Yes, I know from March but this was the first available appointment I could get.

Jakes is with his father for vacation week and when his father chose this week, I reminded him of this Drs appointment, how long it took to get it, and suggested ways to work together to ensure Jakes still attended this appointment.  Turns out that Jakes is staying with his other grandparents this week while his father works so it was very convenient for me to pick Jakes up and take him to the appointment.

The Dr asked lots of questions, most Jakes or myself had the answers to, others that neither of us had answers to because his father never got back to me with the answers. When she finished her questionnaire, she shared her thoughts.  She does believe that Jakes as Aspergers with ADHD combined (Dr #3).  She does not think that the Concerta he was on caused the seizure.  She thinks the Aspergers did.  She said that Aspergers kids have a 50% higher chance of having a seizure or seizure disorder than a non-AS kid. 

That was a fact I did not know!

She wants Jakes to have a sleeping or 24-hour EEG as well as an MRI just to make sure things are ok in his head.  I have to get those things scheduled.  If those tests are normal, we do not have to follow up with her.  If Jakes has another seizure within 18 months of the first one, we might have to consider medication.

I think the tests will be normal and he won't be having another seizure.  Fingers crossed!

I think the best news that came from this meeting is that she agrees with his diagnosis and she agrees with the therapy plans I have in place.  She said I am doing a great job getting him the services he needs.

Also in the good news category, my wonderful blogger friend, The Blogging Mama received wonderful news that her son is NOT on the spectrum.  She spent two years thinking he is Aspergers and waiting for the evaluation through her local Childrens' Hospital.  Wonderful news, Mama!  Go over and tell her Congrats!

Life with Jakes

Life with Jakes has improved recently.  There have been so many changes to things in the house that I cannot and will not attempt to pinpoint what has caused the improvements. There are improvements and I am not going to question WHAT exactly is helping the improvements, I'm just going to take them as they come.

As I've said before, Jakes and I were in crisis mode for a long time.  Fighting and arguing and no peace in the house.  After trying everything I knew, we were referred to Family Stabilization.  With the Family Stabilization program, we were afforded Case Management and In-home therapy.

After meeting with Albert and getting the therapy started, we were also given a Behavioral Analyst (BA) who is working closely with Jakes on certain issues.  This is in-home as well.  With Albert, Jakes has been doing the homework and Albert is very pleased with how Jakes is doing the homework.  Whenever the weather is cooperative, they walk up the street and talk.  Albert says that Jakes talks more when they are walking.  Albert is teaching Jakes how to not argue with people, taking ownership of his behaviors and getting along with his peers.

John is the BA.  He comes on Sunday evenings and helps with Jakes transition from his dad's into the coming week.  John is also working with Jakes to get back into chores around the house, ownership of his behaviors, and getting along with his peers.

In addition to working with Jakes, they are giving me lots of parenting tips and I am still seeing Val for myself.  My homework from her is to read the book "Scream Free Parenting."  I'm working on it and have gotten tips from that as well.  I have started depression medication and am feeling better with that. 

I never told JF (Jakes Father) about all the stuff going on, the family stabilization etc. but Jakes did. So JF sent me threatening text messages and emails over that weekend.  He didn't make any direct threats to harm me but it was clear that he was threatening me in order to control my responses.  He even suggested that Jakes live with him after school was out. hahahahahahahahahahaha

So I did just what he does when I need something from him.  I ignored his messages.  Well, first I said "go f*ck yourself" to the phone.  Not to HIM, just the phone.  Then I went about trying to enjoy my weekend. On Monday, I called the case manager and asked her to call him.

It took him over a week to get back to her and get the information from her.  She continued to get in contact with him but he never answered or returned her calls.  Nice huh?  Since he has talked with her, I haven't heard from him about this situation nor have I heard anything more from him about Jakes living with him.

Albert really wants to talk with him and make sure he is included in the family therapies.  How can Albert say that he is doing family therapy if he hasn't talked with all the family?  So we sent a text message to JF asking for a meeting.  No response from JF, of course.  And he seems to have stopped talking to Jakes about living with him.  Good.

We have until the middle of July with the in-home therapy, then we will transition to office based to continue the improvements. In the meantime, we have an appointment with the pediatric neurologist in a couple of weeks and they might be recommending a change in Jakes meds.  But that's one of the reasons why the therapists are sticking around into July; to make sure we can transition successfully through that.

Jakes has been very loving lately.  Wanting hugs and kisses from me.  And following directions, making dinner, doing his chores.  There is still some lying going on and he is not doing very well in school.  But school is out and we'll just start fresh in September there.

Along with all this and the therapies, life is getting better.

Saturday Seriousness - Balancing Act

I love the comments I get on some of my posts, I don’t get very many but I love the ones that are there. I have always gotten wonderful, happy, uplifting comments from you guys. Thank you SO much for that!

One comment I received recently was from Tanya @ Teen Autism. She is a single mother with a teenage son on the spectrum that I follow. I have learned a lot from her posts and she has some great links to other sites for help in dealing with our Spectrum Kids.

Tanya said (of my Avoidance post) “I can so relate to this post! Pretty much in the same boat. And its hard to date when our special-needs kids take up so much of our focus”

First, her comment made me feel like its ok that I haven’t moved on and that I shouldn’t feel guilty over it, which is some of what the Avoidance post was about. And that I am not the only one out there with this feeling. Thank you for that, Tanya!

Second, her comment made me start to think that there should be a balance between how much we give to our kids and how much time we take for ourselves. I think this goes for all parents, not just those with special needs kids. When you become a parent, it is easy to loose who you are while giving your all to the kids.

What I need to do is find that balance, and I know it’s a delicate one to find, between focusing on Son and focusing on ME. As I was typing this, I remembered a conversation with my therapist about this. Obviously, I have not been practicing what she taught me back then.

I thought I was. When Son is with his father, I take time to do things I like to do; travel, bike ride, catch up on TV or books, spend time with friends and family. But maybe I need to do more than just the times the kid is not home. Maybe I need to start MAKING time for me.

So, I am back to my original conclusion that I need to work on my emotional health and have to figure out how to do that. While I would like to share my life with someone else, I don’t like the idea that my emotional health depends on that happening. So I will have to work to find what makes me happy without relying on someone else.

Avoidance

Everyone has things they want to avoid, some things are as simple as getting on the scale at the Drs and others are as huge as an illness in your child. No, my child is not ill but I will try to avoid the scale in the Drs Office next week.

What I have been avoiding is the possibility that I have damaged my child in my life choices and insecurities. Even now, I hesitate to type this out but I can’t avoid it any more. In order to fix any damage that is there, I cannot avoid this any longer.

In my first session with the therapist, she was asking about anyone in my life. While I have wonderful family and friends who love and support me, I have not --- I don’t want to offend my loved ones or to make myself seem like I need a man to live happily --- put myself out there to find someone to “complete me”. (Gag – but you get the picture).

For the longest time, my life was just about survival and learning to cope with a special needs child, helping him to acclimate to the new life we were living. I have neglected my emotional fulfillment, it seems. After getting my heart stomped, it is easier for me to be as independent as possible, but it comes with a price, my relationship with Son.

When my friend stopped over the other night, I realized how much I liked having someone there with me after Son was in bed. Someone to cuddle on the couch with, have adult conversations, just BE there with me. For that evening at least, my emotional needs were met and for that I thank my friend! Come back soon!

Moving on:

Because I don’t have anyone in my life regularly to meet my emotional needs (Sorry Neicy, complaining to you doesn’t meet my needs and is totally not fair to YOU! Hugs that you have stuck by me for so long!), I am more easily frustrated with Son’s actions and behaviors. Hearing the therapist describe how my lack of emotional health is making life more difficult for us made me feel like a failure. I am sure the therapist doesn’t think that I am a failure as a mother. I know she was only trying to be helpful and to teach me pieces of what’s wrong in order to be able to point us in a good direction. It still was very hard to hear but necessary, so very necessary because now we can take steps to fix this.

Another thing that I have not discussed with the therapist yet is that I resent Son and his problems, more the disease of Aspergers Syndrome than Son. I hate that we have to have a strict schedule that I have to pay such close attention to EVERY situation to ensure there will not be a meltdown, that because of his disability we argue, and that we have to go back to therapy. I see other families functioning in a way that I wish we could but will never happen because of Aspergers. I see families who make it seem EASY to get through each day, kids who listen to their parents, kids who can get along easily in school, families who don’t seem to have to struggle the way we do. I want that easy. Just for once, I want something to be easy for me to do.

I think a lot of my whining is because I am tired of dealing with this; especially as the only parent. Son’s father doesn’t believe in the diagnosis and provides no help in the therapies. In fact, he probably thinks that I suck as a mother. I know that I don’t, I just feel that way sometimes.  I have the wonderful support of my family and friends but that is not the same as having the other parent help.

The therapist gave some suggestions for me to work on my emotional health. I just need to find what fulfills me and I need to make the time to engage in them. I NEED to make myself healthier for the sake of my son and our relationship.

As you can see, I have TONS of issues and baggage and I have considered therapy just for myself but have decided to wait and see how things go with sharing Son's for now.  I am not afraid to ask for help when I think I need it.  I know that its not too late to fix any damage done to Son and our relationship and I will work to make sure we not only survive this but that we THRIVE in our lives.

Help me out by sharing what fulfills you! Maybe its something that will work for me too!

OH! Thanks for listening!

Friday Lesson and Bragging

THIS IS A LONG POST!!

My son has Aspergers Syndrome, which is a form of Autism. I have known about this since 2006 and have done everything I could to help him. Weekly therapy appointments, specialized services in school, even planning selling my house and not moving until it was a good time for him. His father on the other hand, doesn't believe in the diagnosis and doesn't apply any of the interventions that help him. Here is some info on Aspergers Syndrome (AS) and some of Son's symptoms:

Characteristics of Asperger Syndrome:
Each person is different. An individual might have all or only some of the described behaviors to have a diagnosis of AS.

These behaviors include the following:

• Marked impairment in the use of multiple nonverbal behaviors such as: eye gaze, facial expression, body posture, and gestures to regulate social interaction.
• Extreme difficulty in developing age-appropriate peer relationships. (e.g. AS children may be more comfortable with adults than with other children).

Son doesn't have a "best" friend but he does play with kids in the neighborhood pretty well. They are younger than him. If you get him with his classmates, things don't go as well. But the school is working on this with him.

• Inflexible adherence to routines and perseveration.

Son is getting better with changing the schedule around but it used to be that I could not change ANYTHING without him loosing it. He just could not change things in his mind and feel secure with things.

• Fascination with maps, globes, and routes.

When he was 2, he would give me directions to the babysitters every morning. I thought it was cute that he could do that. He also loved the map of the US that was in his room. He spent hours staring at it and memorizing it.

• Superior rote memory.

He can recite almost anything back to you. AND he can remember details of almost every outing we have been on. SCARY!

• Preoccupation with a particular subject to the exclusion of all others. Amasses many related facts.

AS kids seem to have a particular fascination with trains, cars and making lines of things. Son has been in love with trains since he was tiny and still is. He loves Thomas but is getting away from that a bit. He loves the big trains and can give you details about how they are different from each other and how to drive them. He also has every Matchbox and Hot Wheels car ever made and loves to line them up all over the house.

• Difficulty judging personal space, motor clumsiness.

Son was always too close to people and definitely will not be a ballerina. :) He is getting better about judging the personal space and no longer has a special gym class to help with his clumsiness.

• Sensitivity to the environment, loud noises, clothing and food textures, and odors.

This is a big one. Son doesn't mind the fire engine sirens but when the nuclear siren would do their test, he would FREAK. I used to think it was because of his ear problems but apparently its from AS. He will not wear jeans, prefers elastic pants or sweats. His food cannot be too hot or too cold and NO GREEN! And it cannot be to hard to chew. This is the most frustrating for me because I want him to eat well and because I LOVE food and know what wonderful things he is missing out on!

• Speech and language skills impaired in the area of semantics, pragmatics, and prosody (volume, intonation, inflection, and rhythm).

Son is LOUD. The teachers at school think its because of his ear problems but I disagree. When his ears are normal, he is still loud. He also tends to talk fairly monotone, this has gotten better and he is learning to put feeling into his stories.

• Difficulty understanding others' feelings.

Son had NO empathy for anyone or anything. One of the goals for his therapy was to teach him empathy. Now, there are times that I think he is too sensitive. But at least he is considering other peoples feelings.

• Pedantic, formal style of speaking; often called "little professor," verbose.

Again, he uses BIG words (I thought it was because I didn't talk "baby" to him) and enjoys lecturing people on his favorite subjects.

• Extreme difficulty reading and/or interpreting social cues.

Son still has difficulty with this. There are times when he will burst out laughing when it is TOTALLY inappropriate. This will take time for him to learn and with all the different situations that could happen, may never be perfect.

• Socially and emotionally inappropriate responses.

Son has trouble with this. He still has meltdowns over little things. But he is working on this as well.

• Literal interpretation of language. difficulty comprehending implied meanings.

Son still has trouble recognizing sarcasm. And I like sarcasm so he gets a workout with me!

• Extensive vocabulary. Reading commences at an early age (hyperlexia).

Son didn't start reading at an early age but he does have a good vocabulary, thanks to Mom!

• Stereotyped or repetitive motor mannerisms.

Thankfully, he doesn't have any of theses that I have recognized.

• Difficulty with "give and take" of conversation.

He definitely monopolizes the conversations and interrupts with his own thoughts. We are working on this.

So the reason for this lesson on AS and my son? Next week I have a meeting with the child study team to determine his services for the remainder of the school year. I was reviewing the current plan as well as the website http://www.aspennj.org/index.asp for ideas of interventions that might benefit him.

Also, I wanted to brag about him. I received a WONDERFUL email yesterday from one of his teachers and wanted to share. The AS lesson was background to try and help you to realize that I am not only PROUD of my child, I am floating on a cloud because of the words from the teacher. Email:

Hi Amy,

I wanted to let you know that Jacob's behavior this year has been outstanding!!! He is polite, well mannered, and has an excellent attitude. He has been completing all work when asked. It is amazing how much he has improved since he started in 4th grade last fall!

Tammy

My son may have a disability but he is willing to work on his problems to fit in and succeed! His disability doesn't stop him from doing much and when it does, we work together to find a way to work around that.