Parenting and Facebook

Jakes is old enough to have a Facebook account.  He won't be my friend.  But I have enough friends who ARE friends with him that are helping to keep him in line and report back to me anything that I might need to know about. Thanks, Suzanne and Gmom!  You're the best!

Anyway, I found out that he was playing some of the Facebook games, the games where you have to accept friend requests from total strangers in order to advance in the game.  OH NO!  That just doesn't sit right with me.

So the other day, I spoke with Jakes about the situation and explained my fears.  I wanted to talk with him as an adult.  He complains that I am too protective (I am!) so I am trying to back off and talk to him as I would an adult about certain things.  I asked him to change his privacy settings so that he wouldn't get requests from strangers in the games section.  I could feel his resistance, even over the phone.  I could feel him getting more and more resistant to everything I was saying.

As I was explaining my fears to him, he just FLIPPED out.  He yelled at me and bad mouthed me.  I tried to be calm and collected. I  tried to calm him down. I finally told him that if he didn't change his settings, I would involve his father in this. That set him off even more.  I ended up hanging up on him and walking away from him.

10 minutes or so later, I rec'd a text from his father that he had addressed the Facebook issue.  Apparently, he was home and hear Jakes flip out and investigated.  When Jakes was allowed to have a Facebook account, rules were established and agreed upon by Jakes and his father.  Jakes was breaking those rules.

I didn't know about those rules, I was just acting on my motherly protective instincts.  Fortunately, his father is on the same page as I am.

But I haven't heard from Jakes since the incident.  I did text him that he shouldn't be angry with me, I didn't tell his father, he did by yelling.  

I'm sure I'll hear from him soon.  He wants to go to the farm this weekend.

Disappointed & Discouraged

This weekend left me disappointed and discouraged with myself.  It was a horrid weekend with Jakes.  We started Friday with an argument.  We weren't even back on the highway when I was asking him if he'd like to go back to his dad's for the weekend.  10 minutes in the car and we were arguing already.

Things didn't get much better the rest of the weekend.  I get sick and tired of him contradicting me and telling me I'm wrong.  What should be a simple conversation with him, turns into an argument.  And that's even when I refuse to argue with him.  Then he gets mad at me for not speaking to him.

The final straw on Sunday was when he was arguing with me over the fact that his father is right about the visitation schedule.  It didn't matter what I said or showed him on the calendar, his father was right according to Jakes.  So not only was Jakes arguing with me, he was taking his fathers side of the argument.  And getting loud over it.

I just got tired of being demeaned by my son.  I got tired of feeling like I did when I was married, nothing I said was correct, nothing I did was right, and he (my son) talked to me like I was stupid.  One of the biggest reasons I divorced was because I was tired of the verbal and emotional abuse.  I will not take that same abuse from my child.

I called his father and told him to come and get Jakes immediately, which thankfully he did.

But this lead me to tears.  What kind of a mother can't even handle her child for 2 days each week? I sent my child to live with his father in the hopes that I will be able to have a better relationship with him but that seems to be hit and miss.  I realize with the aspergers, Jakes is not going to be a normal moody teen.  But with that realization, shouldn't I be better prepared to deal with him and his moods?  And since I only have him for 2 days a week, shouldn't I have more patience to be able to stand being with him?

I am disappointed in myself.  I am the adult in this situation, I am the one who should be able to deal with him and his arguments.  I know that he is going to argue with me and try to control me.  But I let him get to me.  I let him push my buttons.  I let him have that power over me.  I know better.

I am discouraged that things don't seem to be changing between Jakes and myself.  Yes, we don't fight physically anymore but that's because all he does is sit and watch TV.  We do argue verbally over things, usually me being wrong.  This move to his Dad's was supposed to be better for both of us.  Yes, there have been improvements but there are still lots of discouraging things between us.

This coming weekend is supposed to be my weekend off from Jakes and I think I will enjoy it.  Right now, I don't want to talk to him or see him.  What kind of mother doesn't want her child?

Venting

Because I missed my visit with Jakes last weekend, he called to ask if he could come this weekend.  I think his father was sick of him and wanted a break.  Doesn't matter.  I'll take Jakes.  Or so I thought.......

I picked him up Friday evening and we met the gparents for dinner.  At dinner, Jakes was bouncing in his chair, so excited to be home with us and LOUD.  When any of us would ask him to turn down the volume, he'd argue that he wasn't being loud.  Sigh.......  We finished dinner, came home, snuggled up to watch TV, then went to bed.

Saturday morning, Jakes wakes me up at 7 AM.  DUDE!  Its the WEEKEND!  There's no reason to get up so early.  Be QUIET!  He's in the living room making meowing noises at one of the kitties.  Then he announces that he's going to go outside to start digging the compound out from the snow that fell last night.  DUDE!  Its too early and you'll wake everyone up.  Wait a while.  He argued with me that he wants to get it done quickly.  STOP arguing with me, please.  We'll go out later when people are awake at least.

Later comes and we get bundled up to go out and shovel.  Its more rain than snow or ice at this time.  We clean off the sidewalks, cars and steps.  By then, I'm soaked to the skin, cold and hungry.  I told Jakes I was going inside and he needed to come in as well.  He argued with me.  "I'm not wet or cold"

I flipped out on him and stood in the driveway, yelling at him for his attitude and mouth.  He argued that he doesn't have a mouth.  I yelled some more and went inside.  He followed.  I was still spewing words at him.

I walked away and got in the shower.  When I got out, I was pleasant to him, like it didn't happen.  He apologized for being mean and arguing with me.  That was nice.  I am hopeful that he'll remember how to talk to me and stop arguing for the rest of the weekend.  If not, buh-bye!  You can go home to your dad.

Example of an argument with Jakes:

We're cleaning off a car, I ask him to stop banging on the car.  I can HEAR him banging.

Me: Stop banging on the car please.

J: I'm not doing anything.

M: You're not banging on the car?

J: I'm cleaning off the car.
M: You're banging on the car and going to leave marks with the scrapper.

J: I'm not doing anything.

M: STOP arguing with me.

J: I'm not arguing with you.

Imagine that we're both getting attitude and voices escalating with each round.  I finally walked away.  Every conversation with Jakes is like that.  He's just so frustrating to talk to!  Deep breathe and walk away........

The Decision Has Been Made

I was actually very proud of myself because lately, there hasn't been much turmoil in my life to blog about.  Jakes and I had been doing pretty well, just the normal butting of heads, nothing much to worry about.  JF has been quiet and cooperative.

Since school has started, Jakes and I have been butting heads more often over his school work.  He doesn't think that I should monitor it.  He says that he can do it.  And when I talk to him about missing assignments or failing grades, he gets hostile, mean and this morning, violent.

Earlier this week, I was able to talk with him calmly to explain that I am legally responsible for monitoring his work.  But that if he is actually doing the work and getting passing grades, I wouldn't have to nag him about it.  It would be like I'm not monitoring him at all.  He said that he understood and that he could do it and make the passing grades.  I told him that's great, now show me.

I haven't checked his grades for a couple of days, he said he didn't have homework, other than reading.  I told him I wanted the reading done before we go away on Saturday and he said he'd get it done.

This morning, his reading folder was on the kitchen counter and I looked to see how many lines he has.  Only 2 out of 20.  I told him he needs to get reading or we weren't going away this weekend and I would cancel his riding lesson as well.  He got mad and started yelling at me.  I sent him to his room. 

While there, I checked the grades online and he's failing 2 classes because of not turning in homework. When he came out of his room, I mentioned that he has assignments to turn in and he flipped out.  Instead of walking away, I flipped right back at him.

Leaving out lots of details, we ended up in a power struggle, with him pushing me, me pushing him back and lots of screaming.  I told him I was calling the child welfare office to report this and get their assistance in transferring custody to his father.  I told him to get his school stuff and get out of my house.

I was wrong for not walking away, but I am SO sick and tired of the power struggle between us.  He thinks he is in charge and won't accept that he's not.  I've tried to explain it to him when we're both calm and of course I've screamed it at him.  I've done therapy with him, without him. I've done family stabilization programs, in home therapies.  I'm on medication, he's on medication.  And I don't know where else to turn for help.

Its time for his father to step up and be a father.  I do not feel safe in the home with my child anymore.  I should not have to be treated this way by my child.  My child should not be treated this way by me.  I have done everything I know how in order to make life better for my child and myself.  I think at this point, the only way to salvage my relationship with my child is to let him go.

Micro-Managing

For a long time, Jakes and I have been battling. Battling each other over everything, power, control, you name it, its been a battle. Jakes even described things to Albert with a war analogy. I was the enemy that Jakes was fighting but Albert was the good guy who was going to come in and help to end the war. Pretty perceptive of my son, huh? Albert was impressed.

Anyway, I was trying to control everything Jakes would do and how he would do it. Talk about micromanaging. Factor in that Jakes is maturing and growing and doesn’t want or need Mom hanging on his every move or decision. So he’d fight me. And I’d fight back.

I have felt that I am responsible for my child and his behaviors. If he didn’t behave in just the way I thought he should behave, I’d panic and jump on him even more closely. And he’d just as quickly try to pull away from my controlling efforts. Typical power struggle.

Something I am learning from all the therapists and my homework book is that I am not responsible FOR my child. I am responsible TO my child. Weird huh? I am responsible to teach my child appropriate behaviors and actions, through control of my own behaviors and actions. If I am not in control of myself, how can I expect Jakes to be in control of himself?

If I am so busy micromanaging my child’s behaviors, he is not able to learn how to be responsible for his behaviors and actions. He has to be allowed to make his own decisions and choices. He has to be allowed to grow up. By micromanaging him, I was not allowing him the chance to grow and make his own choices. My anxiety over his growing and being wrong, were detrimental in our relationship.

I have had to learn to give Jakes his “space”. Not just his own room, but also the ability to choose when and how he does things such as getting ready for school or his chores. This hasn’t been easy for me. I am a controlling b*tch! Ha-ha!

In giving Jakes his space, I have had the chance to get myself under control and relax a bit. All along, I have been saying how proud I am of joining the choir for ME. Well, by letting go of Jakes a bit, I have done the best thing for ME yet.

Instead of getting up an hour before Jakes does so that I have plenty of time to nag Jakes to get ready, I am sleeping in and letting him get himself together in the mornings. Extra ME time right there. When Jakes gets home after school, he has a list of chores to complete in whatever order he wants and whenever he wants as long as they are completed before he goes to bed. There are things around the house that I don’t have to do! Win-Win for ME!

Don’t get me wrong, Jakes still has rules to follow. But I am trying to learn to give him the chance to make choices, right or wrong. As he learns to make those choices, it is my hope that he will also learn to accept responsibility for his behaviors, take ownership of himself.

I also am growing up. I am taking control of myself and my behaviors as well. As Jakes and I grow up together, we will learn to have a solid, caring relationship that will last many years.