The Decision Has Been Made

I was actually very proud of myself because lately, there hasn't been much turmoil in my life to blog about.  Jakes and I had been doing pretty well, just the normal butting of heads, nothing much to worry about.  JF has been quiet and cooperative.

Since school has started, Jakes and I have been butting heads more often over his school work.  He doesn't think that I should monitor it.  He says that he can do it.  And when I talk to him about missing assignments or failing grades, he gets hostile, mean and this morning, violent.

Earlier this week, I was able to talk with him calmly to explain that I am legally responsible for monitoring his work.  But that if he is actually doing the work and getting passing grades, I wouldn't have to nag him about it.  It would be like I'm not monitoring him at all.  He said that he understood and that he could do it and make the passing grades.  I told him that's great, now show me.

I haven't checked his grades for a couple of days, he said he didn't have homework, other than reading.  I told him I wanted the reading done before we go away on Saturday and he said he'd get it done.

This morning, his reading folder was on the kitchen counter and I looked to see how many lines he has.  Only 2 out of 20.  I told him he needs to get reading or we weren't going away this weekend and I would cancel his riding lesson as well.  He got mad and started yelling at me.  I sent him to his room. 

While there, I checked the grades online and he's failing 2 classes because of not turning in homework. When he came out of his room, I mentioned that he has assignments to turn in and he flipped out.  Instead of walking away, I flipped right back at him.

Leaving out lots of details, we ended up in a power struggle, with him pushing me, me pushing him back and lots of screaming.  I told him I was calling the child welfare office to report this and get their assistance in transferring custody to his father.  I told him to get his school stuff and get out of my house.

I was wrong for not walking away, but I am SO sick and tired of the power struggle between us.  He thinks he is in charge and won't accept that he's not.  I've tried to explain it to him when we're both calm and of course I've screamed it at him.  I've done therapy with him, without him. I've done family stabilization programs, in home therapies.  I'm on medication, he's on medication.  And I don't know where else to turn for help.

Its time for his father to step up and be a father.  I do not feel safe in the home with my child anymore.  I should not have to be treated this way by my child.  My child should not be treated this way by me.  I have done everything I know how in order to make life better for my child and myself.  I think at this point, the only way to salvage my relationship with my child is to let him go.

The Story

Jakes and I have been operating in crisis mode for a while now. Things really blew up a week or so ago but in a way it was a good thing. Because now we as getting all kinds of help. Help I have been begging for.

I was recommended to enroll in a program called Mobile Response. They are a crisis intervention service. I can call them 24/7 to get help and they will send someone out to the house to de-escalate things if necessary. By being enrolled with them, they will also send someone out to the house to do a needs assessment for us. The therapist would then recommend and case manage us until we got into the services.

I called Mobile Response last Sunday morning because Jakes was melting down and saying threatening things to me. Mel came out to the house and did a little needs assessment as well as talking to Jakes and myself to make sure everyone was calm.

On Tuesday, Mel called to say that she was recommending an 8 week family stabilization program. A therapist will come to the house and work to stabilize us once a week for 8 weeks. It's hopeful that after that, we will be stable enough to enter traditional therapy and/or parenting classes.

On Thursday, the therapist contacted me to schedule our intake appointment for tomorrow.  When they say they are going to offer services, they don't mess around with getting them started!

On Friday, I met with the Mobile Response team for what they call a Family Planning meeting. This is a pre-planning meeting where we decide who to invite to the actual meeting. At the meeting we will review everything that has been going on with us and try to come up with a plan to meet all our needs.

Last week, I sat in Val's office, sobbing my heart out over all this.  I came out of Val's office with things to do for me.  I was to contact me Dr to see about going on anti-depression meds, which I did.  I just started them but I am feeling better already.  I also feel like I have more patience with Jakes.  We also realized that I have a lot of resentment to deal with.  Resentment towards Jakes and his disabilities, towards A/H for having the ability to walk away from being a parent, and oh so much more!

Once the in-home services are in place, I will continue seeing Val on  my own to work on ME.

Another thing I did with Jakes is I took him off the Concerta, which is a stimulant medication.  He is still on Intuniv and seems to be able to function on that alone.  Once he was off the Concerta, a lot (not all!) of his hostility and anger has disappeared.  I am hoping we can work on that more in the therapies we will be having.

So that's my story.  Its been a rough couple of weeks and I am hoping that this was rock bottom and we can only go up from here.