Playing Catch Up...sigh

Yes, I've been missing in the Blog World. I would love to say I've been living my life.  And that would be partially true.  The other part of that is that I've been avoiding things.  Lots of things.  sigh.  And I'm not saying I'm ready to face all of those things but I think I will have a better chance of facing them if I talk about them.  And here is where I talk about them, with honesty.

To bring you up to date:  Jakes and I made up.  Just in time for him to go back to the farm this spring.  For a while, things were good between us.  I limited the time we spent together, only one overnight every other weekend. And some Friday evening dinners.  But then school got out and he wanted to spend more time with me, he's not very happy at his fathers and I am a push over to take him to the farm. sigh.... but more time led to us falling back into our old routine of annoyance and disrespect.  He's been here for a week now, with many blow-ups and arguments.  He also thinks he's coming back next Friday for another week.  And right now, I am not willing to have him.

But as his mother, I'm SUPPOSED to want him around right?  And those feelings have created a lot of guilt and conflict within me.  I have to get over what I think is expected of a mother and accept what I can actually DO in this life with THIS child of mine.  I have to reconcile my heart and my head that I may not be able to be the mother I think is expected of me in this day and age. I  think I spend a lot of time comparing my mothering skills to those of my mother.  She was raising children in a different age and I can't ask her if what I'm feeling is "normal".  See..... I have a lot to reconcile in my heart and my head.  More on this later.

Work is work. Summer is the slow season for me but at the years end, I will be getting busier.  I've also contemplated looking around to change jobs.  Maybe I need something that will engage my mind more.  But then I think about all the vacation days (20 per year plus sick time) and the flexible schedule I have and I chicken out.  The pay is good and its close to home.  sigh.....

I am going to start a part-time job in September.  Nothing that will add stress to my life, weekends only. In a decorating warehouse that's open to the public. I will be a cashier/stock person.

So I have some things on the horizon to look forward to. And some things to work through.  So I'm back to continue with my therapy. I hope you'll join me on my adventures1

Goals

Everyone has goals. They may be what you want to be when you grow up.  They may be how many kids you want, where you want to live, and there are so many more to chose from.

Goals give you a reason to get up in the morning.  Goals are something to work toward, something to look forward to each day.

My goals for a long time have been to just get out of bed and make sure I get through the day.  Now that I don't have anyone dying in my life, its time to set some goals for myself.  But where to start?  What do I want to change about my life?  Or maybe we should start with the basics, like making sure my life is organized and I can do what I want.

So first to list the things that are wrong with my life.  Getting out of bed is getting easier each day, so that's not a big goal to worry about.

Now while I was dragging myself out of bed, I didn't take care of everything I should have.  Like the housework, the car maintenance and the bills.  The housework I can get caught up on, gradually.  The car is scheduled to go for an oil change and fluid check next week.

The bills are another matter.  For the past 8 months or so, I've only paid the bills in order to keep things from being shut off. Mind you I paid the rent and the car / insurance payments, but everything else got put off.  So now I need to buckle down and get those things caught up.  Sigh.  

How did I get myself in this situation?  Depression.  So as I dig myself out of depression, I have to dig myself out of debt.  One step at a time. Or in this case, one payday at a time.

And while I am digging out, I will take the time to figure out what other goals I need in my life.  Some have to be fun ones, while some may involve making big changes in my life.  But for now, I will get myself out of bed and dug out of debt.

Stages of Grief

Lets talk stages of grief.  I think I have moved through most of them. Most of them I experienced before Dad actually passed.  I am writing this out more for myself, to document how I think I am doing.

Denial and Isolation.

I don't know that I ever denied that he was going to die from this latest illness.  I knew the prognosis from the beginning and that they were giving him "palliative" care.  Just trying to make him comfortable and see if they could prolong his life.

I know Dad was in denial because he said he was going to beat this one too.  Okay.  Good for you, it helps to have a positive attitude.  But that also lead to ESM and him not being ready for his passing when it happened.

I did isolate myself from things, people and friends for a while, processing the diagnosis and trying to come to terms with it.  I also was trying to build up my strength for the battle I knew was coming.

Anger.

I don't know that I have ever lost my anger at this disease that has taken both of my parents from me.  I hated the disease and how it affected Mom and the rest of the family 15 years ago, and I hate it still for the presence it has maintained in my life since. I will probably hate it for the rest of my life.

I am angry that this disease has taken BOTH my parents from me long before I was ready to see them go.

Bargaining.

I didn't bargain with Dad and his illness.  I knew what to expect from watching Mom fight.  I made my bargains during Mom's illness and it didn't work.  I knew from Dad's diagnosis that it would only be a matter of time.  Once the disease gets to a certain point, its only a matter of time.  Early detection is key!  Remember that!

At this point I wouldn't bargain for Dad to be alive today.  I would only want him with us if he could be healthy and whole. And since that can't happen, he's where he needs to be.  At peace.

Depression.

This is a biggy.  I have been stuck here for SO LONG, I am sick of it.  I have been depressed probably since his diagnosis.  And its only been worse since he died.  I want to just pull myself out of it but its hard enough to get out of bed just to go to work, that I don't know that I have the energy to pull myself out of the depression too.

I don't want to be in this stage.  I want to be happy and move on with my life but depression just sucks you in and doesn't let go. Its like being stuck in the marsh mud at low tide.  You have to wait until high tide to comes in and releases you.  Marsh mud is nasty stuff, just like depression.

Acceptance.

I have accepted that Dad has died.  I am okay with that.  I miss him, especially when the car makes a weird noise and I need someone to ask what it might be and what I need to do about it.  I miss him when my snowman blow up lights up but won't blow up.  But I know he's gone and won't be coming back. I know that I will miss him everyday of my life.

So that is where I stand in the stages of grief.  Moving along nicely in some areas but stuck in the mud in others.

I Want to WANT to Sing

I've written before how much I love to sing.  I would sing in the car, in the house and finally I joined a choir and sang with them.

I have loved to sing with them.  They are a wonderful, support group of people who gather together to share their love of music with each other and the community.

I was looking forward to going back to singing in September.  But in September, Dad was getting worse and finally died.  For the first couple of weeks, I looked forward to going to sing.  We were getting ready for our holiday concert and I love Christmas music.

By the third week, I was dreading going out of the house for anything other than work or to see Daddy and Jakes.  Going to singing practice was a chore, a hassle and not something I wanted to do anymore.

After Dad died, I tried to go back to singing.  I've tried to get life back to "normal".  Or the new "normal".

But I still dreaded going to choir practice.  I still dreaded going out of the house other than for work and necessary things.  So I scheduled visits with my therapist and she only had time on the same nights as choir practice.

I miss singing but I still don't feel like singing.  Not in the car, the shower or with the choir.  I will put music on in the car with the intention of singing. I start singing and then stop. I just don't feel like singing.

I want to WANT to sing. But I don't right now.  This is a goal of mine.  I am working toward it.  Some days it feels like I am getting some where. Other days, it feels like I am 15,000 steps behind where I started.

I will sing again, eventually.  One step at a time.

Honesty About Jakes

I haven't seen Jakes since the middle of October.  And I don't miss him.  We had a huge fight.  I mean huge, with police called and threats of charges from both sides.  

Huge fight.  Nasty fight.  I haven't seen or heard from him since.  And I don't miss him.

To be honest, and that's what I'm supposed to be doing here, I have been dreading seeing him for a long, long time.  I didn't want to go and get him for the weekends.  I didn't want to have to argue with him over everything.  I was sick of being talked down to by him. I was sick of bowing down to his wishes for everything.

I continued to get him on weekends cause that is what a mother is supposed to do.  I continued to see him cause his is my son.  

His behavior and disrespect immediately prior to the fight was the last straw for me.  So I've decided that I do not have to be treated like that, even by my son.  I refuse to be treated like that by my son.   Even if he is my son.

So I've said a metaphorical good-bye to him and am trying to enjoy my life.  

Hello

Hello.  I'm still around.  Life is moving forward. Some days with me, some days with me stuck in the bed.  I haven't been honest with myself about a lot of things.

This blog is my place to be honest with myself and since I haven't been able to do that, I've avoided the blog.

My therapist wants me to face some things in my life so maybe its time to start doing that here.

I hope you'll join me on my journey to honesty.  see you soon!

I Love My Bed

I love my bed.  My bed sits up high, so high I need a stool to get into it.  I have lots of fluffy and soft pillows. In the winter there are blankets and comforters galore!  I snuggle up with my pillows and my pets and my eReader and all is right with the world.  Usually.

I sleep all spread out, from corner to corner.  Its been a long time since I've shared my bed with someone other than the 4 legged animals.  Even when I was married, he was on nights so I've had lots of time to hog the bed.

One thing I've never missed in my bed is another person to share it with.  I love being able to sleep corner to corner if I wanted.  BUT, the other night I found myself wishing there was someone to hold me, to remind me that everything would be ok, that I am strong enough to do this, that I was not alone in this.

Ultimately, I know that I am not alone.  I have wonderful family and friends and my posse'.  But at 2 am, its sometimes hard to remember the wonderfulness I have surrounding me.

But at 2 am, I have my bed.  My wonderful, high, full of pillows and comforters bed.

I love my bed.

Its Monday

Its Monday and it was a good weekend.  I am definitely feeling more like myself.  Yes, I still have things in my life that are stressors and depressors, but with the help of medication, I am able to put it to the middle of my mind and function as a person.

I had a pretty good weekend.  I'm slowly getting caught up on the housework that I've been ignoring in favor of my couch.  Jakes came over for the weekend and we got along pretty well.

I went to a Girls Night Out that benefited the local Autism Center.  It was fun!  I wandered around with ESM and Janet.  We had some girl talk and a couple of drinks.  ESM got to vent about living with Dad a little bit.

Saturday, I took Jakes to the Farm and then caught up with ESM for some yard sale-ing fun.  I bought a grill!  Ok, you don't usually buy grills at yard sales but this one is in good shape.  All it needs is the propane tank.  I cleaned it up and am ready for summer grilling!  Dad went with us and we all had a pretty good time.

Sunday, Jakes and I spent the day with the GParents again.  This time we were helping Dad to open up the RV.  They are going away next weekend.  Dad was able to do a lot of the stuff, not just give directions. I know that made him feel good that he was able to help, not just stand there and be helpless.  I'm also sure he went home and took a nice long nap after we were done.  I know I wanted to!  lol

I'm slowly working on my Pallet Garden.  Its taking some time because I am digging the dirt on my own instead of buying it.  I will have to buy the plants instead of seeds because its such a late start.  Next year, I will get seeds and get started earlier.  But I am still looking forward to fresh veggies on the grill this summer!

What's going on in your world? I hope you're enjoying the spring weather that's finally come to us!

Counting My Blessings

My last post was so dark and doom-y, it should have come with an adults only rating. Reality sucks sometimes.

In a complete turnaround from that post, I wanted to share with you a revelation I made today, with the help of some good drugs.  See I had a colonoscopy today. Gross, I know.  But necessary to keep me healthy.  After making my toilet a VERY good friend last night, my Best Friend in the WORLD picked me up for the ride to the hospital.  Neicy took the day of work for me.  I am blessed by her generosity and love.  She loves to save her vacation time for, what else but VACATION, not sitting in a hospital listening to me whine.

She sat and listened to me whine about being hungry.  She even shared her dinner menu from last night to comfort me.  She laughed at me when I cried from the IV needle and quickly lowered the bed when I got lightheaded from it.  THEN she sat in the waiting room while they took me back for the happy drugs.  Waiting is usually the worst.  I've been there lots of times, just waiting for the Dr to come out and tell you everything went just fine. She waited and then drove the slightly drunk me home.

She loves me, I know this.  I am blessed to have her in my life.

On the way home, I realized I was blessed because the test came out perfectly clean and I don't have to go back for 5 years. My toilet is happy about that.   I am blessed that I am not going to succumb to the curse of colon cancer that seems to run through my family.  That curse will end with my mother.  She will have sacrificed herself for me.  I am blessed to have my physical health.

I am blessed to have my best friend, Janet in my life.  She contacted to check on me later in the day.  She knows what the test entails, the before, during and after.  She and I will celebrate my cleanliness on Friday with a Girls Night Out.

While my parents didn't have anything to do with me today, (dad was getting chemo and ESM was working) I am blessed to have them in my life.  I am so lucky to STILL have my father in my life.  There are so many that don't have either of their parents at my age.  I have my father who spoils me to whatever extent he is capable and a wonderful step mother who is a mother without taking over my mothers memory.  

I have been extremely depressed and negative about so much in my life and probably with justification. But there comes a time when you have to stop being stuck in your negative head and start looking to the positive.  I'm not saying that I will always be wine and roses, that there won't be down and dark days, but I am going to make an effort to look for the good in my life as well as deal with the bad.

I will make the effort because I am sick of being in my head.  Time to get into a new head.

Dad's Fight For His Life

I've mentioned on here that daddy has stage 4 stomach cancer with metastases to his liver.  He's also had two other cancers that he's beaten.  

He's been going for Chemo since September.  Around Christmas we got the good news that there was Shrinkage going on.  We were thrilled.  Dad was still having chemo and the side effects were getting to him a little more.  The cold winter really took a toll on him.  One of the side effects is that he's more susceptible to the cold, he's not even supposed to use ice in his drinks.

When it was time, he had another scan to measure the success of the continued chemo. These results weren't as good.  Things had started to grow again.  There was considerable growth in some of the tumors.  Enter more fear and worry.

The Drs have proposed a change in the chemo, with the drugs targeting the liver stuff more than the stomach stuff.  BUT, Daddy has been feeling worse and his blood levels have been out of whack so much that they were not able to give him the chemo for two weeks straight.  He's getting "Superman" shots to help build him up and regulate his blood levels.

There is a catch 22 happening here because the liver helps to regulate the blood levels but because of the liver disease his blood levels are out of whack.  They can't give him the chemo to help fight the liver disease because his blood levels are out of whack. If he could get the chemo, it would help fight the liver disease and help to regulate his blood levels.  Round and Round we go......

There are so many changes happening with Daddy.  I see him getting skinnier, weaker and more grumpy.  When he doesn't feel well, he's grumpy.  I feel for ESM because she is taking the brunt of his grumpiness.

Part of my problem is that I've watched all this happen before with Mom.  She fought for her life just as hard as Daddy is.  But this damn disease is horrible and fights back just as hard.  I watched Mom get skinnier, weaker and more grumpy and I know the outcome.  I am so scared for what I am pretty sure is coming with Dad.

I want to be positive and I usually am when I'm around Daddy and ESM and Jakes. But running around in my head are such negative thoughts, fears and worry.  Running around in my head are thoughts and plans for the end, who to call, what to do, where to go, etc.  Each week that he goes for chemo I worry that they are going to send him home with orders for Hospice.

I know there is probably a conversation I should have with my parents, like to lay out some plans and stuff but I feel that acknowledging that with my parents signifies that I am giving up on him and his fight.  I am not giving up on him and the fight but I think I am being realistic with the situation.  I am not ready to let down my guard with Daddy yet.  I don't want him to worry about me during all this, he has enough to worry about.

It used to be once there was liver involvement, you didn't have much time.  I am grateful that there has been improvements in treating all cancers.  But even with the improvements, Daddy is Stage 4 with metastases.  The Drs haven't said "you only have so long left" yet, but I am so afraid that it is coming and soon.

I have all these feelings and thoughts running around and I'm trying to make sense of everything while at the same time I'm spending as much time with them as possible, helping them as much as possible.  

Jakes and I spend at least one weekend day/evening with them.  I want to make sure that Jakes gets to spend as much time with his Gpop as possible.  I haven't decided what to do about Jakes visiting if daddy gets sicker and confined to bed like Mom was.  It was scary for me to watch Mom deteriorate, I don't know how Jakes will deal with it.  There is time to decide on that still, and Jakes is old enough to tell me what HE wants, if he wants to be with Gpop near the end or not.

For now, I am taking things one day at a time.  I cry in the shower most mornings and then find my strength to get through the day.  I have an appt with the therapist, am going back on medication and am working on my coping skills and meditation.  I know what I have to do to stay mentally healthy, its just so hard to do somedays.  One day at a time.  

Weakness vs. High Expectations

I feel weak. Not physically but mentally.Here I am whining about my life again.  This blog was started to be a therapy place for me but I also expected that I would be able to get past that and move onto a happier place. But here I am again, whining about being lonely, whining about my father's illness and so much more.

Since I haven't moved forward, I feel weak. I feel like I am playing a victim.  I am sick and tired of whining about my life.  I am just sick and tired of being in my own head.

I have a friend who insists I am the strongest person she knows.  I don't feel strong.  I feel that if I were strong, I wouldn't be whining about all this.  I wouldn't want to hide under the covers in bed and cry all day long.  If I were strong, I wouldn't have run and hid from this blog.  If I were strong, I would be able to find the happiness in my life.  If I were strong, I wouldn't....... there's just so many to name.

I want to be strong. I want to be happy.  I want to be a part of a couple. I  want to be out in the world with a happy and shining face.  There are so many wants that I have and I just can't seem to accomplish them.

Am I expecting too much of myself to think I can handle the break up/move+loneliness+Dad being sick?  Shouldn't I be able to handle all this, process all this and still be happy? I think I should be able to.  But then you have to add in disappointment in myself for being in this whining place again.

I have high expectations of myself and sometimes beat myself up for what I see as failures or mistakes.  

Right now I feel that I should be over the break up.  I mean I didn't "love" him and we didn't really have a relationship because he was stoned all the time.  We shared a house and an occasional conversation.  I don't miss him.  I miss the house and just the fact that there was someone else in the house making noise.  There were times when he would make me feel like we were a couple but those times were few and far between.

But once again, I failed at a relationship.  It doesn't matter that I worked very hard to make it work and the other partner in the relationship didn't want it to work, I am still disappointed in myself over the failure.  And I am still beating myself up over the failure.  I haven't moved on from it and that is irrational.  This is definitely something I need to work on, along with so much else.

I'm A Flip-Flop

Things between AZ and I haven't been all roses and honey.  I knew when he moved back here that he had problems with his health and depression.  But the biggest reason for him moving back here was so that he could get his butt in gear, take care of his problems and be nearer to friends and family for support.  When he was in AZ, he was ALL.BY.HIMSELF.  Its scary to be by yourself and sick at the same time.

He's been back here since March and hasn't done much of anything to move forward with certain things.  He's spent a lot of time on the couch, zoned out by the TV and anxiety medications.  That's left me alone for a lot of the time.  I don't want to sit in the living room listening to him snore. So I retreated to my room.

When he came back here, he gained custody of his 16 year old son.  Not something I bargained for when he moved back.  But, I would never expect him or any other man to tell me I had to choose between me or the kids.  Our Kids Come FIRST.  So, AZ came with JR.

JR came with issues of his own.  In trouble with the law (which he cleaned up), trouble with drugs (which he cleaned up) and just generally having to raise himself because his mother wasn't a "mom" and had her own legal and drug problems. Not to mention he's a TEENAGER!  That's difficult in and of its self.

With AZ being out of it, he didn't do much parenting of JR, which bugged me.  I would classify myself as a helicopter mom, very involved in every aspect of Jakes life.  I tried to have patience with AZ and JR as they found their "way" but there are still a lot of things that bug me about AZ's parenting style.

AZ hasn't seemed to make any effort to get a job.  He was working with a friend on construction projects but they haven't had any jobs since October.  We need a steady income.  I can't support all these people on my salary.

Over the months, I would make up my mind that things weren't fixable and that I would be leaving.  Then we would have a couple of good days or a good week and I would decide to try and make things work.  Then things would go back to where they were. 

I flip-flop on everything!  I want things to work between us but I can't make it work on my own.

By Christmas, I was ready to walk out on AZ and everything that we could possibly have together.  I felt justified in leaving because there is no partnership, no sharing of lives.  We've drift so far apart, he was so out of it most of the time, I didn't want to be around that and there just didn't seem to be anything that could be done to change things.

 I don't want to place all the blame on AZ.  A lot of it, yes.  But I have to take responsibility for my part in this failure as well.  I didn't TALK to AZ about my feelings.  I didn't tell him how his parenting style bugs me.  I didn't give him a chance to tell me why he was taking such a hands-off approach to JR.  I didn't tell him how frustrated and lonely I have been while he's been on the couch.

My therapist wants me to figure out WHY I haven't talked to him about things.  Why have I let things get so far gone.  That is something I can't answer yet.  I'm still pondering.  I'm not going to let it go, I need to figure out why I retreated so easily, especially after I fought so hard to save my marriage (which had already failed without my knowledge).

Things did come to a head between AZ and I.  BUT we are talking more, expressing our fears and frustrations.  He is stepping up to be more of a participant in the household and our relationship.  I am stepping up a little more to guide him in parenting.  We have to find a happy medium between my parenting and his.  JR doesn't need all the parenting that I've given to Jakes over the years.  But he needs more than he's gotten from his father up to this point.

I've been saying that AZ seems to have put his Big Girl Panties on and is stepping up to try and take control of his life again.  I'm very proud of him for this.  I know it would be much easier for him to sit in stupor and let me walk out than it is for him to step up and live.  I told him I will be there to help him along the path as much as he'll allow me to.

Only time will tell if we can make this work.  I know life sends screwballs at you all the time, we just have to be ready to catch them and hit a home run.  Together.  As a Family.

Homework

Therapy involves homework sometimes.  At least if you want to get something out of therapy.  Or at least that's how its been for me.  I have had two wonderful therapists and they both have always given me homework.

When I go to them, I usually already have a goal of what I want out of therapy.  Not to be depressed, help with knowing when its time to end the marriage, help with managing my child and still having a good relationship with him.  Not everyone who goes into therapy goes there with goals in mind.  But that's where the therapist comes into the picture, to figure out why the person is there and what their goal should be for the visits.

One of my friends was surprised that I have homework from therapy.  But then this person has never been in therapy, just evaluated and then they blow off the therapy portion.  But that is also part of their mental health problem.

I haven't been to see her in over a year, not since I needed guidance on switching custody of Jakes.  When I told her about the situation I was there to discuss, she yelled at ME.  giggle    

She knows I have the skills to take care of this problem on my own.  She taught them to me!

So that is part of my homework, why I felt the need to come to her instead of handling it on my own.  Figure out why I didn't want to confront things on my own.

So, Therapy comes with homework.  And since I go back to see her next week, I probably should get started on it.  Right after I finish reading about mental health licensure in the State.

where have i been?

Living life is the only answer I can give.  There are things going on that I can't put out here because they are not just mine to share.  I am fine and we are fine.

Choir is going wonderfully.  So far, there isn't ONE song that I do not like. Its going to be a fun concert!  I missed two weeks of singing because of Dad's heart struggles but got right back into choir last week.

Then, on my way home, AZ texted that he was in ER.  sigh......  He has high BP that is usually controlled by meds.  But when he's stressed and/or depressed, it spikes to extremely high levels.  That's what happened last week.  scary. 

We were in ER for HOURS!  The Dr "eventually" came to see him and it still took a long time to get the meds and scans completed to ensure AZ was ok.  When his BP came down enough, they sent us home.  At 3 am and I had to get up at 7 to go to work.  I couldn't take the day off because I have applications due.  sigh......

AZ will be following up with his Dr for the BP as well as for the stress and depression.  In the meantime, we are monitoring his BP and I am encouraging him to get off the couch, even for little things.  I told him Jaxon would LOVE to go for a walk up the to river, which will be good for both of them.  I also offered to let him do my housework.  giggle!

Time will tell how things go for him, for us.  Its all just life.

Counting Down

The decision for Jakes to go live with his father has been made, the papers signed and the boxes are being packed.  After Days and Days of waffling and worrying that I'm making the right decision, I finally reconciled myself that its for the best.

Now the count down is on.  Jakes is moving with his dad this coming weekend.  He's started packing and has been listing all this wonderful things he's going to have at his dad's that he doesn't have with me.  A TV, a Stereo, and a cell phone of his own.  A little bribery?  Or just a bunch of stuff that can be taken away for misbehaviors?

Lately, I've been angry. I can't figure out who I'm angry at.  I've been taking it out on everyone in my house and the compound.  Which is not fair to them. 

Part of me is angry at myself, for failing to provide the happy and healthy environment for Jakes.  I can't help but think there had to be something else I could have done to keep this from happening.  Not that I can come up with anything else to do...... 

Part of me is angry at Jakes for not complying with the rules and the therapies we've tried.  I feel like he has purposely sabotaged everything in order to be allowed to move to his fathers house.

I'm angry at his father too.  He has never done anything to help with the raising of Jakes.  Not even when I've told him that I was struggling and needed his help.  He's so egotistical that he doesn't think he will have the same problems with Jakes that I've had.  He actually said that to me.

Part of me hopes that this move will be the best thing I've ever done for Jakes.  Its not what I want but its what I think is best for Jakes at this point.  What I want is irrelevant right now.  As his mother, I have to think and do what is best for him.

Part of me also hopes that Jakes continues his behaviors with his father and that his father struggles the same way I have.  That's the vindictive side of me and is not what is best for Jakes.  But it sure would be fun to see his father struggle and have that ego taken down a few pegs by his kid!

I am angry that I am not getting what I want, what I dreamed for my life.  I've had my marriage taken from me and now I'm loosing my child.  What else am I going to fail at?

Sunday Check In - Briefly

Its been a wild weekend!  Neicy and I took a road trip, more details to follow this week.  The road trip was a success!



I'm feeling a depression coming on.  More on that later too. sigh.





But I'm here.  I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend!

The Story

Jakes and I have been operating in crisis mode for a while now. Things really blew up a week or so ago but in a way it was a good thing. Because now we as getting all kinds of help. Help I have been begging for.

I was recommended to enroll in a program called Mobile Response. They are a crisis intervention service. I can call them 24/7 to get help and they will send someone out to the house to de-escalate things if necessary. By being enrolled with them, they will also send someone out to the house to do a needs assessment for us. The therapist would then recommend and case manage us until we got into the services.

I called Mobile Response last Sunday morning because Jakes was melting down and saying threatening things to me. Mel came out to the house and did a little needs assessment as well as talking to Jakes and myself to make sure everyone was calm.

On Tuesday, Mel called to say that she was recommending an 8 week family stabilization program. A therapist will come to the house and work to stabilize us once a week for 8 weeks. It's hopeful that after that, we will be stable enough to enter traditional therapy and/or parenting classes.

On Thursday, the therapist contacted me to schedule our intake appointment for tomorrow.  When they say they are going to offer services, they don't mess around with getting them started!

On Friday, I met with the Mobile Response team for what they call a Family Planning meeting. This is a pre-planning meeting where we decide who to invite to the actual meeting. At the meeting we will review everything that has been going on with us and try to come up with a plan to meet all our needs.

Last week, I sat in Val's office, sobbing my heart out over all this.  I came out of Val's office with things to do for me.  I was to contact me Dr to see about going on anti-depression meds, which I did.  I just started them but I am feeling better already.  I also feel like I have more patience with Jakes.  We also realized that I have a lot of resentment to deal with.  Resentment towards Jakes and his disabilities, towards A/H for having the ability to walk away from being a parent, and oh so much more!

Once the in-home services are in place, I will continue seeing Val on  my own to work on ME.

Another thing I did with Jakes is I took him off the Concerta, which is a stimulant medication.  He is still on Intuniv and seems to be able to function on that alone.  Once he was off the Concerta, a lot (not all!) of his hostility and anger has disappeared.  I am hoping we can work on that more in the therapies we will be having.

So that's my story.  Its been a rough couple of weeks and I am hoping that this was rock bottom and we can only go up from here.