Playing Catch Up...sigh

Yes, I've been missing in the Blog World. I would love to say I've been living my life.  And that would be partially true.  The other part of that is that I've been avoiding things.  Lots of things.  sigh.  And I'm not saying I'm ready to face all of those things but I think I will have a better chance of facing them if I talk about them.  And here is where I talk about them, with honesty.

To bring you up to date:  Jakes and I made up.  Just in time for him to go back to the farm this spring.  For a while, things were good between us.  I limited the time we spent together, only one overnight every other weekend. And some Friday evening dinners.  But then school got out and he wanted to spend more time with me, he's not very happy at his fathers and I am a push over to take him to the farm. sigh.... but more time led to us falling back into our old routine of annoyance and disrespect.  He's been here for a week now, with many blow-ups and arguments.  He also thinks he's coming back next Friday for another week.  And right now, I am not willing to have him.

But as his mother, I'm SUPPOSED to want him around right?  And those feelings have created a lot of guilt and conflict within me.  I have to get over what I think is expected of a mother and accept what I can actually DO in this life with THIS child of mine.  I have to reconcile my heart and my head that I may not be able to be the mother I think is expected of me in this day and age. I  think I spend a lot of time comparing my mothering skills to those of my mother.  She was raising children in a different age and I can't ask her if what I'm feeling is "normal".  See..... I have a lot to reconcile in my heart and my head.  More on this later.

Work is work. Summer is the slow season for me but at the years end, I will be getting busier.  I've also contemplated looking around to change jobs.  Maybe I need something that will engage my mind more.  But then I think about all the vacation days (20 per year plus sick time) and the flexible schedule I have and I chicken out.  The pay is good and its close to home.  sigh.....

I am going to start a part-time job in September.  Nothing that will add stress to my life, weekends only. In a decorating warehouse that's open to the public. I will be a cashier/stock person.

So I have some things on the horizon to look forward to. And some things to work through.  So I'm back to continue with my therapy. I hope you'll join me on my adventures1

Counting My Blessings

My last post was so dark and doom-y, it should have come with an adults only rating. Reality sucks sometimes.

In a complete turnaround from that post, I wanted to share with you a revelation I made today, with the help of some good drugs.  See I had a colonoscopy today. Gross, I know.  But necessary to keep me healthy.  After making my toilet a VERY good friend last night, my Best Friend in the WORLD picked me up for the ride to the hospital.  Neicy took the day of work for me.  I am blessed by her generosity and love.  She loves to save her vacation time for, what else but VACATION, not sitting in a hospital listening to me whine.

She sat and listened to me whine about being hungry.  She even shared her dinner menu from last night to comfort me.  She laughed at me when I cried from the IV needle and quickly lowered the bed when I got lightheaded from it.  THEN she sat in the waiting room while they took me back for the happy drugs.  Waiting is usually the worst.  I've been there lots of times, just waiting for the Dr to come out and tell you everything went just fine. She waited and then drove the slightly drunk me home.

She loves me, I know this.  I am blessed to have her in my life.

On the way home, I realized I was blessed because the test came out perfectly clean and I don't have to go back for 5 years. My toilet is happy about that.   I am blessed that I am not going to succumb to the curse of colon cancer that seems to run through my family.  That curse will end with my mother.  She will have sacrificed herself for me.  I am blessed to have my physical health.

I am blessed to have my best friend, Janet in my life.  She contacted to check on me later in the day.  She knows what the test entails, the before, during and after.  She and I will celebrate my cleanliness on Friday with a Girls Night Out.

While my parents didn't have anything to do with me today, (dad was getting chemo and ESM was working) I am blessed to have them in my life.  I am so lucky to STILL have my father in my life.  There are so many that don't have either of their parents at my age.  I have my father who spoils me to whatever extent he is capable and a wonderful step mother who is a mother without taking over my mothers memory.  

I have been extremely depressed and negative about so much in my life and probably with justification. But there comes a time when you have to stop being stuck in your negative head and start looking to the positive.  I'm not saying that I will always be wine and roses, that there won't be down and dark days, but I am going to make an effort to look for the good in my life as well as deal with the bad.

I will make the effort because I am sick of being in my head.  Time to get into a new head.

Counting my Blessings

I was going to put this post together last week but just didn't have time!  I was hosting Thanksgiving Dinner and had lots to cook and clean, in addition to work.  

We had a FEAST! ESM took pictures of the Turkey and as soon as she shares with me, I'll share with you.

I have so many things to be thankful for:

• I have a home that is warm and cozy to come home to everyday.
• I have a job that takes me out of my home everyday.
• I have a wonderful son who is amazing and shows such love and attention to his grandfather.
• I have a wonderful set of parents who will do anything in the world for me and who I would do anything in the world for them.
• I have a wonderful farm where Jakes has learned so much more than therapeutic riding!  Jill is an amazing person who does wonderful things through her faith and hard work.
• I have a wonderful group of friends who listen when I cry and worry.  
• I have a cute and cuddly dog who brings me such comfort and joy.
• I have wonderful co-wokers.  They make the days go by so quickly, with laughter and mostly joy.

These are just the tip of the iceberg of blessings in my life.  I have been taking the time recently to remember my blessings and give thanks for them.

I hope you have all had a wonderful, family filled, turkey filled Thanksgiving holiday.