Playing Catch Up...sigh

Yes, I've been missing in the Blog World. I would love to say I've been living my life.  And that would be partially true.  The other part of that is that I've been avoiding things.  Lots of things.  sigh.  And I'm not saying I'm ready to face all of those things but I think I will have a better chance of facing them if I talk about them.  And here is where I talk about them, with honesty.

To bring you up to date:  Jakes and I made up.  Just in time for him to go back to the farm this spring.  For a while, things were good between us.  I limited the time we spent together, only one overnight every other weekend. And some Friday evening dinners.  But then school got out and he wanted to spend more time with me, he's not very happy at his fathers and I am a push over to take him to the farm. sigh.... but more time led to us falling back into our old routine of annoyance and disrespect.  He's been here for a week now, with many blow-ups and arguments.  He also thinks he's coming back next Friday for another week.  And right now, I am not willing to have him.

But as his mother, I'm SUPPOSED to want him around right?  And those feelings have created a lot of guilt and conflict within me.  I have to get over what I think is expected of a mother and accept what I can actually DO in this life with THIS child of mine.  I have to reconcile my heart and my head that I may not be able to be the mother I think is expected of me in this day and age. I  think I spend a lot of time comparing my mothering skills to those of my mother.  She was raising children in a different age and I can't ask her if what I'm feeling is "normal".  See..... I have a lot to reconcile in my heart and my head.  More on this later.

Work is work. Summer is the slow season for me but at the years end, I will be getting busier.  I've also contemplated looking around to change jobs.  Maybe I need something that will engage my mind more.  But then I think about all the vacation days (20 per year plus sick time) and the flexible schedule I have and I chicken out.  The pay is good and its close to home.  sigh.....

I am going to start a part-time job in September.  Nothing that will add stress to my life, weekends only. In a decorating warehouse that's open to the public. I will be a cashier/stock person.

So I have some things on the horizon to look forward to. And some things to work through.  So I'm back to continue with my therapy. I hope you'll join me on my adventures1

Picture Day

ESM and I took of a Sunday afternoon to go traipsing around the area looking for good things to take pictures. We had fun and got some good shots!

we scared him and his 5 brothers into flight

Can you say lunch? He's got a fish in his mouth

dead crab. Its the full moon this week so they are shedding

Local Fort. They are working on restoring the many buildings left.

communications building, the telegraph was installed here

There are lots of good places to go for a relaxing afternoon of picture taking.  ESM has a good eye! And we will go again, SOON!

Busy Weekend

Oh my! What a busy weekend!  I was so busy I almost wished I was at work so I could relax. 

The quickie:  There was two trips to the bike repair store.  Two trips to the local college for singing in my concert.  A trip to the parents for a visit.  Grocery shopping and a little work on reclaiming my flower bed.

Details:  The concert was fun, as always.  We sang a selection from Rogers's and Hammerstein's Carousel, Braums and some other spiritual songs.  Our Director sang a solo and it was the first time many of us had heard him sing.  He has a wonderful voice!

The trips to the bike repair shop was unfortunate because some people have to borrow my bike and break it.  But of course, its never their fault and they are never made to make good on it.  But the bike is now locked up and I am the only one with the key to it.  I did make a stop at Starbucks which was almost on the way to the repair shop.  Love my Frappichinos!

Dad and ESM were having issues with some spam from their email account so I stopped over to help out with that.  Of course, it became more involved than I anticipated.

I am working on reclaiming a flower bed.  Its all grass so I have to cultivate it, scoop out the grass and roots, then cultivate it again for anything I can't get out by hand.  BUT I did find Tulips and daffodils in there which I think I will transplant.   I will work some more on that tonight after work.

Grocery shopping needs no details.  I still can't figure out why it takes 2 hours to get through the store.....  But if you are trailing a teenager that might explain some of it.

At least the sun was shining and it was warm!  Overall, a good weekend!  Tell me about yours!

Tuesday Thoughts

What a weekend!  It was SO busy!  But SO good.  After Jakes Incident at school last week, he seemed like he needed some Momma Love so I went over there for dinner with him on Friday.  We had a good dinner!  We chatted, laughed and he didn't even mind that I hugged him. Several times!  After dinner we headed over to the Super Wal-Mart so I could finish shopping for my Scentsy Party.  Jakes was a big help, although he runs around the store like his father would.  Like its a race to get in, get the stuff and get out.

My Scentsy Party was a success!  I had lots of friends and family stop over, we chatted and talked scents.  We drank some wine and laughed.  We ate good food and deserts.  And then they all went home and I felt like I'd been hit by a truck!  After spending all morning in the kitchen cooking and baking, then the afternoon on my feet being hostess, I couldn't wait to curl up on the couch with Jaxon and read my book.

On Sunday, I spent the day cleaning and packing up my kitchen so the floor guys could come on Monday to install my new floor.  Jaxon and I played fetch on the beach.  He would rather play fetch with Jacob cause I throw like a girl.  Jaxon even went swimming a little bit, until a little wave got him in the face.  He was trying to grab a stick from the water and the wave got him.  He came out of the water pouting.  It was so cute!

Monday, I hung around the house while the guys replaced the floor.  They were in and out of the house.  I couldn't believe how quickly they worked and the wonderful job they did!  Pictures tomorrow.  Neicy and I ran again.  We are on Week 3 and I am still liking it.  I think I like it most because I get time to chat with an adult.  Then I had to put my kitchen back together.  But first Jaxon and I had to play fetch on the beach again.  No swimming this time.

I'm kinda glad to go to work today so that I can rest.  How was your weekend?

My Weekend

Friday around 3, I started bouncing in my chair with excitement that I was getting Jakes in a few hours.  He'd been texting me off and on all day as he was excited too.  He sent me a text that said "I miss you super much"  awwww!  How sweet!

At 4:15 he called me to tell me he was out of his seizure medicine and needed me to get him more.  I told him to call his father.  HA!  I loved that!  Except that my kid needed his medicine and I wanted to help him get it.  So I called him back and told him that if his father gave Jakes the insurance cards, we could refill the Rx over the weekend.  Jakes told me that his father said he'd be ok without it until Sunday.

WHAT?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!???!?!?!?!

I didn't scream at Jakes.  Or his father.  On the way home from getting Jakes, we stopped and I bought out of pocket (no insurance for a BRAND NAME medicine) 4 pills to take us through the weekend.  OUCH.  But my child had the medicine that he needed in order to insure he didn't have a seizure while in my care.

I have been composing a parenting-fail email in my head all weekend but I haven't sat down to actually DO it because my email will be completely unproductive.  I am going to try and compose a nicer version today, just so that I can have a record of the fact that he sent Jakes without his medication and without a plan for getting the medication for the weekend.  I might have to start with the bad email, just to get it out of my system, then tone that down.  We'll see.  But I need to document that Jakes didn't have his medicine.

The weekend was a pretty nice one with Jakes.  He still has attitude and mouth towards me but not as much.  Of course, there wasn't as much in the way of schedules and things that HAD to be accomplished this weekend.  It was mostly about Fun Stuff.

We had riding lessons on Saturday Morning, brrrrrrrrrrrr.  He's doing so well with the horses.  He seems to be able to take any horse they put him on and communicate and maneuver all over the ring.  Jakes seems to be afraid to trot the horses, but if they are walking around the ring, he's exceptional.  And that's not just Mom saying that, the teachers are all pleased with his abilities.  Last week, he was on a stubborn horse and still was able to get the horse to follow his commands.

In the afternoon, we delivered political flyers around the neighborhood for my parents.  Walking around with Jaxon and teasing Jakes, it was a good afternoon.

Sunday, we lazed about in the morning and finished delivering political flyers in the afternoon.  The best part of the weekend was that I wanted to be around my son.  I wanted to snuggle up and watch a movie.  I wanted to play video games with him.  I wanted to walk around the neighborhood chatting with him.

And Sunday when it was time for him to leave, I wasn't sad to see him go.  I wasn't glad, more resigned that this is the way things have to be right now.  This is the way it has to be.

Friday Fragments

Its going to be a good day!  Its going to go quickly and before I know it, I'll be on the road to pick Jakes up for the weekend.  He wants me to bring Jaxon with me.  I think Jaxon is missing Jacob.  Whenever I'm home, Jaxon is right there with me and when I sit down, he's jumping in my lap.  Yesterday, I let Jakes talk to Jax on the phone and Jax went NUTS when he heard Jakes voice!  I can't WAIT!

That's all I got.  So much for fragmented! 

Have a great weekend everyone!

Finally Friday

Its Finally Friday!  This has been a long week.  I think its the first week this summer that I have worked all week, didn't have to take time off for Jakes Drs appointments!  Wooho!  No appointments for him next week either cause he'll be at his dads!

Yes, another vacation week for me.  His father is picking him up sometime on Saturday for the week.  Peace and quiet will reign in my house!  Gotta love vacation time.

I'm a little scared because JF has said that he will take Jakes to riding lessons on Wednesday AND he asked to have Jakes for an extra weekend.  um, that's never happened before.  I hope it keeps happening.  I hope JF is going to start including Jakes in his life.

This week is our county fair.  I've managed to avoid it so far.  I am going to get stuck going tonight though.  They are having the antique tractor pulls tonight and Jakes wants to go.  So, I'll take him and a book.  Usually I am very interested in wandering around the fair grounds but this year it just isn't holding any interest for me.  Oh well, I have a book I've been wanting to read so this will be a good time.

Jakes has a new obsession and its making me crazy.  Aspergers kids usually have a subject that they are passionate about and learn every little detail about.  Then when they are nervous or scared, they can call upon this knowledge to comfort them and bored the crap out of everyone around them.  His obsession, you ask. Well, he is naming trucks as we drive along.  He sees a Peterbuilt (or whatever the make of the truck is) and recites everything he knows about it along with how many are at his dad's work place.  He does this for every truck we see on our drives.  And if he sees multiples, I get to hear the same facts again and again and again.  Makes me want to hide in the trunk when we are on a road trip. I suppose I should be grateful he's moved on from Thomas the Tank Trains. At least trucks can be considered more age appropriate.

I am looking forward to the end of next week.  My friend from AZ is coming for a visit.  Its going to be nice to have an adult close to my age around to have fun with!  I almost want to wish away next week so he'll get here sooner but I don't want to miss my Jakes-free time.  Its a hard choice!

Well, I guess I have to get back to work.  I have a grant that is due in a couple of weeks but I have about 7 tech manuals and white papers to read to educate myself on the content.  Time to sleep!

Have a wonderful weekend!

Not Much Happening

This week has been pretty quiet so far, with not much happening. I guess that's a good thing! I have been moving into my new bloggy space. You can see some of the changes I have made and I will be working on more.

Son is already getting excited that he is going to his dad's this weekend and to be honest, so am I! It took a while but I have come to look at his weekends away as a chance to re-charge ME and helps me to be a better mom to him.

I am looking forward to a quiet, rainy, windy weekend that will give me NO excuse but to park my sick butt on the couch and rest. Yes, I have been sick since the beginning of September, twice now the Dr has told me I am not really sick because colds don't stay around for this long. DUH! He has also offered nothing to help me get better, UGH. So a weekend of rest, chicken noodle soup and hot tea, along with a bunch of movies should help!

Thank you to my new followers! Welcome and I hope that you enjoy my bloggy mind! I have also won an award that I will post about later today!