Round Robin - Crazy Mind

I'm sure you've heard the game "Bringin' Home the Bacon"  Its a game where you name celebrities until you bring it back to Kevin Bacon.  At least that's how I think it works.

Well, something similar happened to me the other day.  Since its been SO cold, I dug out my red wool coat.  Its so warm!  

It amazes me how the mind works and here is how the Bringing Home the Bacon reference comes in...

Someone complimented my coat and how brightly colored it is.  Its a beautiful red!  So then my mind goes to other brightly colored clothing, like what my dad used to wear.  He always wore the fluorescent colors, especially orange.  He also had sweat jackets in every shade of the fluorescent family, green, yellow, orange and even PINK!

My mind took me to one day that I took Daddy for chemo and when he checked in with the nurses at his station, he made sure to show then the two different colored jackets he had on.  Throughout the day, a bunch of different nurses would come over to say "hi" and check out what colors he was wearing.

So while I was smiling, there were also tears as my mind took this round robin way far away from the compliment on my beautiful red warm coat.

The mind is an amazing thing, where it goes, no one knows.

My Hero

I never told my Daddy he was my hero but I know I showed him.  And I know he knows now from heaven.

Don't hesitate to tell your loved ones that you love them.

Stages of Grief

Lets talk stages of grief.  I think I have moved through most of them. Most of them I experienced before Dad actually passed.  I am writing this out more for myself, to document how I think I am doing.

Denial and Isolation.

I don't know that I ever denied that he was going to die from this latest illness.  I knew the prognosis from the beginning and that they were giving him "palliative" care.  Just trying to make him comfortable and see if they could prolong his life.

I know Dad was in denial because he said he was going to beat this one too.  Okay.  Good for you, it helps to have a positive attitude.  But that also lead to ESM and him not being ready for his passing when it happened.

I did isolate myself from things, people and friends for a while, processing the diagnosis and trying to come to terms with it.  I also was trying to build up my strength for the battle I knew was coming.

Anger.

I don't know that I have ever lost my anger at this disease that has taken both of my parents from me.  I hated the disease and how it affected Mom and the rest of the family 15 years ago, and I hate it still for the presence it has maintained in my life since. I will probably hate it for the rest of my life.

I am angry that this disease has taken BOTH my parents from me long before I was ready to see them go.

Bargaining.

I didn't bargain with Dad and his illness.  I knew what to expect from watching Mom fight.  I made my bargains during Mom's illness and it didn't work.  I knew from Dad's diagnosis that it would only be a matter of time.  Once the disease gets to a certain point, its only a matter of time.  Early detection is key!  Remember that!

At this point I wouldn't bargain for Dad to be alive today.  I would only want him with us if he could be healthy and whole. And since that can't happen, he's where he needs to be.  At peace.

Depression.

This is a biggy.  I have been stuck here for SO LONG, I am sick of it.  I have been depressed probably since his diagnosis.  And its only been worse since he died.  I want to just pull myself out of it but its hard enough to get out of bed just to go to work, that I don't know that I have the energy to pull myself out of the depression too.

I don't want to be in this stage.  I want to be happy and move on with my life but depression just sucks you in and doesn't let go. Its like being stuck in the marsh mud at low tide.  You have to wait until high tide to comes in and releases you.  Marsh mud is nasty stuff, just like depression.

Acceptance.

I have accepted that Dad has died.  I am okay with that.  I miss him, especially when the car makes a weird noise and I need someone to ask what it might be and what I need to do about it.  I miss him when my snowman blow up lights up but won't blow up.  But I know he's gone and won't be coming back. I know that I will miss him everyday of my life.

So that is where I stand in the stages of grief.  Moving along nicely in some areas but stuck in the mud in others.

Treasures, Trinkets and Junk

While we cleaned out the house, the truck, the camper and every other place Daddy kept stuff, we found lots of junk and a bunch of treasures.  Want to hear what some of the junk was?  Of course you do......

A CASE, mind you an entire CASE of Coban of various sizes and colors.  Coban is like tape they use in the hospital but without the sticky stuff.  It sticks to itself.  I completely understand why Dad had it, any kind of tape tore his skin. But a CASE??  And all different colors??  WOW.

More tools than you can count.  A lot of them the same tool.  He'd forget he had one or couldn't find it and would get another one.  What man doesn't need more tools?

In the camper there was a pack of lights, the kind that you mount on your vehicle when you are a volunteer firefighter or fire police person.  I can understand Dad having those, if he hadn't RETIRED from the fire police a year ago and he couldn't have them on his vehicle anymore.  

There were things that made us go "hmmmmmmmm", things that made us laugh, and things that made us shudder.

The man LOVED Amazon Prime.  lol

Some of the treasures we found were his graduation picture from the Navy.  We displayed that at the funeral.  There are two treasures that I kept; his Police Badge and his 4th of July hat.

Dad wore this hat at 4th of July parties
This year its on top of my Christmas tree

Daddy's badge from when he was a police officer.
I love this!

Lots of treasures, junk and questions while we were cleaning things out.  

But also lots of good memories.

New Art Work

I've always been a daddy's girl.

Now I have it in writing.

Daddy's Lil' Girl

sorry its a little blurry

I love it!

The Clean Up

And so it begins:  The Clean Up.  When someone dies, you have to clean out all their possessions. You have to decide what to keep, what to sell and what to give away.  And its always a mess.

Some times you will have relatives who are fighting over things.  That happened with my grandmother.  When we cleaned out after Mom died, I got first pick and then everyone else got to fight over it.  But most of her stuff went to good will.

ESM has already started cleaning up a lot of dad's stuff.  He was kinda a hoarder.  He had a lot of junk! Their living room was all his stuff.  And whenever ESM would bring something home to put in the living room, he'd snort and make fun of it.

ESM is also making plans to sell Dad's truck and the RV.  I'm going to miss the RV.  We had a lot of fun on the trips we would take. Some day I will have one of my own!

This weekend we will be cleaning out the truck and the RV, deciding what to keep, what to sell, and what to give away.  Its going to be a long weekend, full of dust and memories and tears.

I don't know that I'm ready to face the clean up.  There won't be any family drama as its just me and ESM (Jakes might help if he comes this weekend).  But I don't know that I am ready to face the memories, the decisions, and the tears.

I completely understand WHY we have to get this done as quickly as possible.  ESM has to get her budget figured out.  She also is the one that also has to sit in the house and stare at his stuff and be reminded of the loss of her husband. I can go home and put all that out of my mind.

So I will suck it up and help ESM get her life organized as much as possible this weekend.  Bring on the tissues and Benadryl!

Tuesday Tribute - The Posse'

Everyone should have a Posse' when they are going through the good,bad and ugly in their lives.  I am so grateful to MY posse' this past year.  Lemme give the low-down on my posse' members.  They've been there for me, each in their own way.

At the top of the list is Neicy.  She has listened to me day in and day out about everything.  From the diagnosis to me whining about being tired and weak.  She yelled at me for thinking I was selfish in wanting Dad's suffering to stop.  Neicy was the one I told my co-workers to call if I ever hid under my desk.  I knew she would be able to talk me out. She promised to be there (with wine if necessary) whenever I needed and she was.  I'm sure if I'd have called her at 3 am after Dad was gone, she'd have been over to the house to hold me while I cried.  I love her for being there, for being my shoulder, my conscience, my strength.  So glad you're in my life!  I love you Neicy!

Next is Suzanne.  Suzanne is newer to the scene but we clicked right away.  Suzanne and I grew close at the Farm. Both our kids ride there and we found out how close we lived to each other.  So easy for me to drop by her house for some girl talk and comfort.  She also promised to be there to drag me out of my bed (with chocolate vodka) if necessary.  But I love Suzanne because she walked away from me one day.  It was the Tuesday that the nurses told me that Dad needed hospice.  It was a hellava day for me and by the time I ran into Suzanne in Walmart, I was a zombie.  She took one look at me and asked what was wrong but I couldn't answer her because I was holding things together by a very, very thin thread.  She said "do you want me to walk away and pretend I never saw you?"  I nodded and she did.  I love her for understanding where I was and she probably knew what had happened that day.  When I pulled myself together I messaged her what was going on.  She has checked on me everyday since then. Thank you for being my friend!  Love ya!

Janet is the saint who helped to move me into my new place.  She and her hubby took an entire Saturday at Christmastime to move me.  And Janet has been there for me since the diagnosis.  She checks on me, invites me out of the house, even if its just over her house for girl talk.  I know she wanted to be there more for me but I chose Neicy for the brunt of my complaining.  I knew Janet was waiting in the wings if I needed anything.  Just knowing she was there for me was comforting. Janet, you are amazing!  love ya!

Kimber and I grew up together. Dad was another father to her.  I do believe she was grounded by my parents at one point.  She wasn't there in person for me much but only because of the physical distance between us.  Kimber's house was my "run-to" place when I couldn't stand anymore.  I've made several "flights" to her house for weekends and I love the sanctuary, even with 4 dogs and a hateful cat!  Kimber is my sister of heart and I know she was hurting and is missing Dad just as much as I am.  Love you like a Sister!

Denise (yes another Denise, I collect them!) She chased after me on Facebook and text messaging, keeping track of my posts and blogs about Dad; sending prayers and messages of encouragement.  She has also been checking in with me since the funeral.  I have appreciated her love and support so much.  Thank you Denise!  Love you!

Iris and I became friends right about the same time as the diagnosis.  She and I work together and she's the type of person who you can't resist.  When I would be processing Dad things, she would leave me alone only for so long.  Then she would pull me out of it and make me work on my coping skills.  See, Iris is a counselor along with being my friend but she's more friend than my counselor.  She took time out of her busy Saturday to come to the funeral to be there for me if I needed her.  And I did.  Iris just seemed to know what I needed, when I needed it. She transferred to another office and I miss talking with her daily.  Iris, thank you for being everything I needed, when I needed it.  Love you, girl!

Seeing my Posse' sitting in the audience while I gave Dad's eulogy encouraged me to be strong and finish what I started.  Thank you Ladies for being there for me through the hardest part of my life.  I love you all and will be there for you when you need me!

Tuesday Tidbits

 Ok.  To bring my bloggy friends up to date on things in my life.  The biggest thing that happened was that my dad passed away.  I am relieved.  His life was such a struggle just to walk to the bathroom and that was not my Daddy.  He was always a strong, energetic man.  I am relieved that he is a peace.  I can imagine him strong and whole and happy.

He put up such a fight to try and beat this latest round of cancer.  I am proud of his will to fight it.  

I have a wonderful group of friends.  Some of them are all friends together and some are separate.  Having all of them together at the memorial service was wonderful.  My "posse" was there keeping an eye on me for what ever I might need.  Neicy had my back if I wasn't able to speak during the eulogy.  I am glad that I didn't need her.  With being able to give the eulogy, I was able to say good-bye to my Daddy.

Work is about to explode with many, many applications due before the end of October.  On my desk right now are 12.  I also just sent an email requesting the paperwork for another THREE.  That makes a total of 15 by the end of the month.  Its either feast or famine in my line of work.  But at least I have stuff to do, which makes the day go fast.

I watched Jakes at his last riding lesson and he has made such improvement since I saw him!  He's riding on Brutus, who is a Thoroughbred.  His posture is almost perfect on this horse.  Now if we can get him comfortable enough to canter and then gallop, he will be making great progress.  There is a horse show in October and Jakes wants to compete.  I'm gonna let him!  The last one helped to build his confidence and self-esteem.

Now that a majority of my stress has been reduced, its time to get serious about loosing some weight.  I haven't worried about it recently cause, well, cause there were bigger things that needed my attention.  So.  Time to start watching what I eat and getting some exercise.  If anyone has an exercise plan they love and want to share, let me know!  If you have awesome music to dance to, share that too.

Its time to live for ME!

My Daddy

My Daddy passed away last Monday.  It was the longest and hardest day of my life.  I was there for him and ESM right up to the end.  We held a memorial service for him over the weekend. I was able to stand up there and give the eulogy for him.  Here is what I had to say about my Daddy.

Good morning.  We are here to celebrate the life of Louis James Wanner, Jr, better known as Jim.  I’m sure there are many of you here who didn’t know he was “Louis”.

Jim was born September 30, 1946 as one of six children.  He was raised in Baltimore MD, until he enlisted in the Navy.  In the Navy, he saw the world, spending time on many ships and different shore duties.

In 1966 he married Kathleen Gerwitz and they eventually had 2 children.  Jim spent 8 years in the Navy and it was after they had their first child, Jimmy, that Jim decided to leave the Navy.  He didn’t want his children to grow up wondering which person coming off the ship was their Daddy.

 42 years ago, Jim and Kathy moved to Salem County and he became active in Elsinboro’s community.  He started as a police officer helping to patrol and keep Elsinboro safe.  Jim also was a volunteer fireman for many years.

 Jim has held many offices in the Elsinboro government over the years, planning officer, zoning officer.  He wanted to ensure the community where he lived remained the wonderful place he had come to know it as.

 After Jim left the Navy he went to work at the Nuclear Power Plant as quality assurance.  He wrote many of the policies and procedures that are in place now.  Again, he was dedicated to many sure the plant was as safe as possible since he was living in the community around it.

 In addition to caring about the community where he lived and raised his family, he was above all a family man and dedicated husband, not only to his Kathy but to his second wife, Irene.

I wanted to share some things about my daddy.  Just some stories and tidbits I remember about him.  Some are just a flash of a memory that has stayed with me and others are a bit longer…

Daddy was my hero, when I was a little kid and even since I’ve become an adult.  All my life, Daddy has been there.  He worked hard to give us the life he thought we should have, be it toys and clothes or a wonderful vacation to Disney World.  He and My mom were a team, although mom seemed to do most of the hard parenting.  But when I pushed my limits too hard, Momma would refer me to Dad with the standard “Wait till your father gets home”.  That’s when I knew I had pushed too hard.

I remember dancing in the hallway on Christmas mornings, very early mornings, to wake up my parents so we could see what Santa brought.  Daddy was usually the one to let us into the living room to start the fun.  I remember the year Santa brought Big Kid Bikes.  It didn’t matter that it was December, we took them out for a ride right after the sun came up.

Oh and Christmas was the only time Daddy would drink Coffee.  That changed in later years but that was another reason that Christmas was so special to me.  The smell of coffee in the house was lovely.

I remember listening to a recording of me singing Silver Bells and Daddy saying how great his “baby girl” sounded.  Trust me, it wasn’t that good.

One day the bus dropped me off from school and there in the driveway was my Daddy.  He was standing by my new 10-speed bike for graduation.  It was just 8^th grade graduation but he was proud of me.

He sat next to me while I tried to gently program the new syntax computer he had gotten.  If you breathed wrong the thing would crash.

I remember Daddy laying on the ground next to my brother when he’d broken his wrist.  Daddy was trying to comfort him while the ambulance was called.  I also remember Daddy telling the story of how the fire chief yelled at Daddy for not treating my brother for shock while he waited for help to arrive. Dad knew the proper protocols of an emergency situation but completely forgot them since his son was the one laying on the ground.

He took me to practice parallel parking in the Avenues of Salem.  He made me park between 2 REAL cars.  No trash cans or flags for me.  Just the real thing.

As I got older, I remember his Christmas Eve trips to the jewelry store for a special present for mom. It would usually be the nicest wrapped present under the tree or hidden in her stocking.

My childhood is peppered with good and bad stories but they are typical ones, you know parent teacher conferences, holiday plays at school, arguing with them because I wanted to go somewhere and they said no. OR if I went to Daddy to ask something, he would refer me to momma and momma would refer me to Daddy. Can you say Ping Pong Ball?  But for all that I loved both my parents, as parents.

I was also fortunate enough to have a chance to get to know my parents as people, friends, equals.  Momma and I grew close through her illness.  She became my best friend and I learned the importance of family through her.

Daddy took off work to help Momma fight her illness.  He would do whatever he thought would make her happy and comfortable.  He helped her to leave this world as peacefully as possible.  When she died, I got the opportunity to get to know my father as a person, a man, a friend.

He was so proud of his grandson, Jacob.  He was the first person to see Jacob in the hospital.  He was the first one to take pictures of him.

Every week Daddy would stop by or we would meet him for dinner and he would take pictures of Jacob.  Every week I could be assured of an email with at least three pictures attached sent out to so many people.  There are many of you in this room who watched the first year or more of Jacob’s life in pictures.

And for the people who didn’t have email, he would carry around his 3-ring binder filled with pictures.  His brag book went everywhere he did.

Then Renie came into the picture. I resisted at first. I was afraid of losing my daddy.  I didn’t have to worry about that.  Renie fit into the family, she didn’t take Daddy away from it.

I remember when Jacob was toddling around, I came home from work to find a green turtle sandbox in the driveway, along with a rocket ship swing.  After dinner Dad and Renie stopped over to play sand with Jacob and push him in the swing.

There was fishing on the river, some where there is a picture of Dad holding Jacob by the straps of the life vest cause Jacob is leaning WAY WAY over the edge. Dad did everything he could to protect Jacob and to teach him the right way of doing things.  And teaching Jacob things never stopped.  Just a couple weeks ago, Daddy was teaching Jacob about hooking the battery charger or some kind of wiring job to the scooter chair.  I don’t know what was going on, I just know they were out there working together.

At Jacob’s first birthday, Dad and Renie showed up with a trash bag full of balloons.  And they dumped them right over Jakes head!  And Jacob loved it, lots of squeals of joy!  I think Jacob loved the balloons more than any present he got that day.

I will be the first to admit I have been spoiled by all three of my parents over the years. I have been and will always be “Daddy’s Girl”

I have so many wonderful memories of my daddy.  As my friend, Ruth said to me recently “there are dad’s and there are Daddy’s.  You had a Daddy.” She is so right. I had a Daddy who I loved with all my heart.

Goodbye Daddy, Give Momma a hug for me! And I hope Aunt Auds gave you a little time before she picked you up to throw you in the pool! 

Selfish

I am selfish.  I am tired of all the work my father involves.  Driving him places, mainly Drs appts.  Helping him up out of the chair. Lifting his legs in the car. Being afraid I am going to hurt him.  I am just tired of him being tired and sick.  I want my strong, healthy Daddy back.

How can I be so selfish?  Do I honestly think HE wants to be so dependent on me and everyone around him?  He's the one suffering.  Not me.  He's the one fighting and probably loosing the fight for his life.  And I am tired of doing for him.

What a horrible, selfish Daughter I am!  But I am there.  I drop everything and run when he or ESM needs me.  When they called the Ambulance to take him to ER, I drove like a hellion to get there for them.  I stayed there until 3 am and he was settled in his room.  I was the one to run to Dunkin' Donuts to bring him a doughnut and a Pepsi.

I am tired.  I am selfish.  I want my strong, healthy Daddy back.  I think this is one time I might not be getting my way.

I am selfish.  I am tired.

Catching Up

I've been away from my blog but for a good reason.  I was on vacation with the family.  It was a lovely time!  We went to Ocean City, MD which is where Daddy spent a lot of his teenage summers.  He loves it there and so do I.  I think I prefer OCMD beach to any of the ones in NJ that I've visited.

I will share pictures with you this week of our activities.  So many good things!

I have one more vacation scheduled for the summer.  I don't have any big plans yet.  We'll see if anything good comes up.

Daddy has one or two more chemo sessions and they will then do another scan to see where things stand.  The Drs and nurses are excited over the huge drop in his cancer count numbers.  They have dropped from over 1900 to 393 at the last count!  I don't know exactly how they get this number but they are counting the cancer cells in his blood.  At 393 there is considerably less to count.


Dating. Or trying to date.  I've gotten several responses to my online profile but it hasn't materialized into anything.  One guy I chatted with for about 5 minutes, then he hung up on me.  I thought maybe my cell had cut off so I called back and left him a message.  About an hour later, I got a message from him through the dating site "good luck".  Nice.  You can tell about a person in less than 5 minutes.  Well, good for you.

The most recent one contacted me while I was on vacation.   I told him I was away and I would email him when I got back late Sunday.  About 6:30 Sunday, there was a message from him saying he figured something must have come up for me and that I wasn't interested.  Well, so sorry I have a life and you don't have any patience.

Moving onto the next one!


Jakes starts his sophomore year in high school on Thursday!  When did I get a sophomore? I'm not old enough to have a kid that old!  Hopefully this school year will be as uneventful as last year was.


Time to head out and give the garden some TLC.  I'll be around to catch up on your blogs shortly!

Dad's Favorite Stories - My Birth

My Dad has some good stories.  Some I've heard for the first time recently and want to remember.  Some I've heard repeated over and over all my life.  I an hoping to share some of these stories with you.

This is one that I've heard many many times over the years.  Every time there is someone new in the circle of the family, they get regaled with this one....

Daddy was in the Navy at the time I was born.  I have a brother who is 19 months older than me.  He was born on Veterans Day in the Navy Hospital in Philadelphia.  They had to call in staff to bring him into the world.    My brother took 18 hours to get here and backed into the world butt first.

So when Mom was pregnant with me, she expected a long-ish labor with plenty of time to get to the hospital.  From where they were living, it was about 45 to an hour to the Navy Hospital, depending on traffic.  But still plenty of time based on my brothers entry.

On the early morning of April the 3rd (like 3:30 am) Mom wakes Dad up to say its time.  They call my aunt to come and stay with my brother and head to the hospital.  Mom knows this time is going to be different; MUCH QUICKER.  So they head to the local hospital instead of the Navy one.  By the time they get to the local hospital, Mom thinks things have settled down enough that she can make the ride to the Navy Hospital.

Off they go.  Dad put his 4-ways on and flew up the highway.  On the approach to the Commodore Barry Bridge, a police officer wants to pull Daddy over. So ON TOP OF THE BRIDGE, Daddy stops and jumps out.  He runs to the police car to let him know what's going on and then runs back to his car and speeds off to the hospital, with the police in pursuit.

Daddy pulls up to the ER and yells for help.  They come out with a wheel chair and after finding out this wasn't Mom's first time, whisked her off to the delivery room.

In the meantime, the police pulled up behind Dad's car.  The MP at the hospital stopped the police at the door.  Dad got away clean!

While they were whisking Mom upstairs, Dad was told to go to admitting to take care of the paperwork.  When he got to the door he heard a phone ringing and decided to wait to knock.  Might be better to have the officer on duty woke up by the phone and not him.  Moments later, the door opens.  The officer asks "you Daddy?"  Daddy answers "Yes sir."  The officer opens the door to usher Dad into the room, "Its a girl."

Dad was flabbergasted that I was already here.  Mom used to say I skipped the line for patience and it started with my birth.  I wanted out and was ready to take on the world!

Bucket List - Dad's News

Dad's news from the Cancer Dr was good and not so good. They didn't say "let's talk hospice." This time.  They did predict that he should have about 6-9 months to live while taking the chemo.  If he remains healthy enough to get the chemo.  They predicted he'd have about 3-6 months without the chemo. BUT....  Yes isn't there always a but?

But, Dad's cancer markers are going DOWN.  So this means something good is happening inside Dad.  Even when he feels like total crap.

The Dr said Dad is on very powerful drugs, the chemo and the superman shots.  There isn't much that can be done for the side effects that he's experiencing.  Daddy said the chemo doesn't affect him as badly as the superman shots.  The shots just put him flat on his back for a couple of days, even more if he gets them days in a row.

The shots are also affecting Daddy more quickly.  Before he'd make the 45 minute drive both ways, get the shot and be able to get home before experiencing the side effects of the shot.  Now, he's falling asleep about 20 minutes into the drive home.  ESM and I are sharing Daddy's trips over for the shots.

What the cancer dr is recommending is that Dad continue with this round of chemo, which is over at the end of August.  They will do a CAT Scan to see what's going on inside and Daddy will have to make a decision at that time.  I think he wants to fight for as much time as he can get.  I want him to fight too but I don't want him to suffer.

For now, we are at status quo.  Nothing has changed.  But it feels different to me. Maybe because there is a timeline.  We are long past the intermission and are quickly moving to the final act.  I have been enjoying the play up until last September when all this started.

But.  There's that but again.  Its time to put on my big girl panties and stand by my family.  We are in this together, no matter what.

One Step Closer

The news for Daddy doesn't seem to be good. The cancer Drs think they are on top of the cancer, even to the point of saying its under control. But Daddy doesn't seem to be able to handle the treatments very well.

He gets chemo about every other week because his blood counts are whacky.  So they give him shots to help balance his blood so he can get chemo. But the shots make him tired and weak.  The chemo makes him tired and weak. He spends a lot of time on the couch which is frustrating for him.

Daddy had a visit with his heart dr, who had a phone conference with his Primary Dr.  They are in agreement that Daddy might want to consider stopping the cancer treatments.  They think the chemo is really affecting his quality of life and if there isn't going to be much improvement in the cancer, that he might want to stop taking the chemo and let things play themselves out.

When we got the diagnosis of Stage 4 with liver metz, the Drs didn't say they could "cure" him, but hoped to make him more comfortable and extend his life.  To be honest, seeing Dad struggle with fighting this, I had expected they would recommend he stop chemo at the time of the last scan.  But there was no new growth with the last scan which gave us hope and renewed fight.

I talked to Dad about it and he does have some questions for the cancer drs.  He wants to find out if he should stop fighting or if he needs to fight harder and if so, how much harder.  ESM is going to the Drs with him today.  I will be having lunch with Oscar and waiting by the phone to hear what the cancer Drs have to say.

In talking with Daddy yesterday, it seems he wants to keep fighting but would be willing to accept stopping if its a lost cause.  He wants to live.  I want him to live but not if he's going to feel miserable all the time.  Yesterday seemed to be a good day.  He was at least in a good, talkative mood while I was there.  He was tired but it was nap time too.

I haven't given up on my Daddy, I am still praying that he will be able to live longer but feel better.  I will respect and help him in anyway I possibly can, no matter what decision he makes with his life.

Jakes in the Lake

For the 4th of July we went camping with the GParents in the RV.  We went back to the same campground we always have gone to for 4th of July.  Its a nice, family-animal friendly place with fireworks and special events throughout the weekend.  It was very relaxing once everything was set up.

The RV on our site.

We were the first camper you saw when you entered the campground.  I didn't like this spot as much as others we had.  There was a lot of traffic and not as much shade in the afternoon.  I prefer to be further back under the trees a bit.

On Saturday there were fireworks.  Since we had the first spot, we were in the best spot to watch them.  It was a little chilly so Dad stayed in the RV with the dogs to watch them.

Oscar dressed up for the 4th.

Jaxon kept an eye on things from the front seat while Oscar hid under the covers

And Jakes dressed up for the evening too.

Jakes in the Lake

Jakes went to the lake first thing.

It was HOT on Thursday so once we were all set up, Jakes hit the lake.  I think I joined him, I spent many afternoons in the lake so they all run together.  The lake was like bath water, very warm!  But we had fun anyway!

here's the family.  Dad and ESM coming back from the store.
Jakes heading up the hill on his bike.

One of the best things about the campground is sending the kid off on the bike, knowing he will be safe.  The place is small enough that every 10 minutes or so, Jakes was zooming by our site on his way around the loop.

Jakes and G-pop setting up the tripod for cooking dinner

Jakes was a big help around the camp site.  He helped G-pop hook up the camper to electric, sewer and water.  Helped to level the camper and helped ESM and I put up the awning.  Then it was time to teach him how to be a chef over the campfire.

Laying the wood just right.

Checking to see if they are ready to be flipped.

All in all, it was a lovely, long weekend and I would do it again in a heartbeat.

Friday Fragments

Hi there.  Is there anyone still reading my blog?  I totally understand if you've moved on.  Hit and miss posts are frustrating.  For me just as they must be for you.

SOOOO.... onto some good news.  Dad's cancer is under control.  There was no new growth on the latest scans and they seem to have found a regime that will keep him healthy enough to get chemo at least every other week.  He has also gained some weight and is looking more like himself.  YAY!  We are all so happy!  Fingers crossed and prayers said that the next few months go just as well.

My garden is coming along nicely.  Lots of blooms and veggies are growing. Last night, I had the first pod of peas.  They were so yummy!  And there was only ONE pod.  Bummer!  But there will be more in a few days.  I can't wait!

Jakes last day of school is today.  I know he will have fun at the field day that is planned.  I also know that he's had a pretty good year so far.  I am proud of his grades and the progress he's made.  I can't believe that he will be a Sophomore in August!  When did my baby grow up?

So.  While I sit here thinking of things to write about, I realize I don't have anything new for myself to report.  Work is the same.  The animals are the same.  There is nothing new or different in my life. The things that make you go hmmmmmmmm......Maybe its time to change that... Got any suggestions?  cheap ones!

I'm coming back.  More later!  Thanks for your patience with me.

Counting My Blessings

My last post was so dark and doom-y, it should have come with an adults only rating. Reality sucks sometimes.

In a complete turnaround from that post, I wanted to share with you a revelation I made today, with the help of some good drugs.  See I had a colonoscopy today. Gross, I know.  But necessary to keep me healthy.  After making my toilet a VERY good friend last night, my Best Friend in the WORLD picked me up for the ride to the hospital.  Neicy took the day of work for me.  I am blessed by her generosity and love.  She loves to save her vacation time for, what else but VACATION, not sitting in a hospital listening to me whine.

She sat and listened to me whine about being hungry.  She even shared her dinner menu from last night to comfort me.  She laughed at me when I cried from the IV needle and quickly lowered the bed when I got lightheaded from it.  THEN she sat in the waiting room while they took me back for the happy drugs.  Waiting is usually the worst.  I've been there lots of times, just waiting for the Dr to come out and tell you everything went just fine. She waited and then drove the slightly drunk me home.

She loves me, I know this.  I am blessed to have her in my life.

On the way home, I realized I was blessed because the test came out perfectly clean and I don't have to go back for 5 years. My toilet is happy about that.   I am blessed that I am not going to succumb to the curse of colon cancer that seems to run through my family.  That curse will end with my mother.  She will have sacrificed herself for me.  I am blessed to have my physical health.

I am blessed to have my best friend, Janet in my life.  She contacted to check on me later in the day.  She knows what the test entails, the before, during and after.  She and I will celebrate my cleanliness on Friday with a Girls Night Out.

While my parents didn't have anything to do with me today, (dad was getting chemo and ESM was working) I am blessed to have them in my life.  I am so lucky to STILL have my father in my life.  There are so many that don't have either of their parents at my age.  I have my father who spoils me to whatever extent he is capable and a wonderful step mother who is a mother without taking over my mothers memory.  

I have been extremely depressed and negative about so much in my life and probably with justification. But there comes a time when you have to stop being stuck in your negative head and start looking to the positive.  I'm not saying that I will always be wine and roses, that there won't be down and dark days, but I am going to make an effort to look for the good in my life as well as deal with the bad.

I will make the effort because I am sick of being in my head.  Time to get into a new head.

Dad's Fight For His Life

I've mentioned on here that daddy has stage 4 stomach cancer with metastases to his liver.  He's also had two other cancers that he's beaten.  

He's been going for Chemo since September.  Around Christmas we got the good news that there was Shrinkage going on.  We were thrilled.  Dad was still having chemo and the side effects were getting to him a little more.  The cold winter really took a toll on him.  One of the side effects is that he's more susceptible to the cold, he's not even supposed to use ice in his drinks.

When it was time, he had another scan to measure the success of the continued chemo. These results weren't as good.  Things had started to grow again.  There was considerable growth in some of the tumors.  Enter more fear and worry.

The Drs have proposed a change in the chemo, with the drugs targeting the liver stuff more than the stomach stuff.  BUT, Daddy has been feeling worse and his blood levels have been out of whack so much that they were not able to give him the chemo for two weeks straight.  He's getting "Superman" shots to help build him up and regulate his blood levels.

There is a catch 22 happening here because the liver helps to regulate the blood levels but because of the liver disease his blood levels are out of whack.  They can't give him the chemo to help fight the liver disease because his blood levels are out of whack. If he could get the chemo, it would help fight the liver disease and help to regulate his blood levels.  Round and Round we go......

There are so many changes happening with Daddy.  I see him getting skinnier, weaker and more grumpy.  When he doesn't feel well, he's grumpy.  I feel for ESM because she is taking the brunt of his grumpiness.

Part of my problem is that I've watched all this happen before with Mom.  She fought for her life just as hard as Daddy is.  But this damn disease is horrible and fights back just as hard.  I watched Mom get skinnier, weaker and more grumpy and I know the outcome.  I am so scared for what I am pretty sure is coming with Dad.

I want to be positive and I usually am when I'm around Daddy and ESM and Jakes. But running around in my head are such negative thoughts, fears and worry.  Running around in my head are thoughts and plans for the end, who to call, what to do, where to go, etc.  Each week that he goes for chemo I worry that they are going to send him home with orders for Hospice.

I know there is probably a conversation I should have with my parents, like to lay out some plans and stuff but I feel that acknowledging that with my parents signifies that I am giving up on him and his fight.  I am not giving up on him and the fight but I think I am being realistic with the situation.  I am not ready to let down my guard with Daddy yet.  I don't want him to worry about me during all this, he has enough to worry about.

It used to be once there was liver involvement, you didn't have much time.  I am grateful that there has been improvements in treating all cancers.  But even with the improvements, Daddy is Stage 4 with metastases.  The Drs haven't said "you only have so long left" yet, but I am so afraid that it is coming and soon.

I have all these feelings and thoughts running around and I'm trying to make sense of everything while at the same time I'm spending as much time with them as possible, helping them as much as possible.  

Jakes and I spend at least one weekend day/evening with them.  I want to make sure that Jakes gets to spend as much time with his Gpop as possible.  I haven't decided what to do about Jakes visiting if daddy gets sicker and confined to bed like Mom was.  It was scary for me to watch Mom deteriorate, I don't know how Jakes will deal with it.  There is time to decide on that still, and Jakes is old enough to tell me what HE wants, if he wants to be with Gpop near the end or not.

For now, I am taking things one day at a time.  I cry in the shower most mornings and then find my strength to get through the day.  I have an appt with the therapist, am going back on medication and am working on my coping skills and meditation.  I know what I have to do to stay mentally healthy, its just so hard to do somedays.  One day at a time.  

Tuesday Tidbits

I know, I'm not around here much.  There just isn't much going on in my life.  I'm sitting home enjoying the cozy warmth of my new place.  Got all the boxes unpacked and pictures hung.  It looks and feels like home.

Jakes is spending almost every weekend with me.  I had to tell him to stay home the weekend of the plunge and he got mad at me.  But he was over this past weekend and we enjoyed spending time together.  Jakes earned his phone back at his dad's, the report card was VERY good this marking period!  So proud of him!

We got a new kitten!  He's still hiding under my bed so I don't have pictures to share yet.  In time, he will come out and play with us.  Jaxon is very anxious to have a playmate.  He's sniffing all around my bed to find the little guy.

Jakes and I haven't decided on a name yet.  We are going to wait for his personality to come out and see if we can pick one that fits him.  He's all black with beautiful golden eyes.  He's about 6 months old and is all taken care of with shots and reproduction stuff.

Going to start shopping for a new washer and dryer set.  I hate going to the laundry mat.  Such a hassle!  Not for much longer though.....

I have lots of other things on the wish list.  Its going to be like Christmas for me!!

I am so sick of the snow we keep getting.  I mean, really?  Every other day?  and Sunday's storm was supposed to be a dusting.  Well, I measured 3 inches on my deck.  They LIED again!  

On the up side of this winter, we spring ahead on March 2nd!  Less than a month away!  I always equate spring ahead with SPRING!  I am planning my veggies and I can't wait to get my herb garden defrosted again.  I miss my fresh herbs for cooking!

Dad is hanging in there with the chemo.  Not having too many side effects and such.  The cold is really getting him, though.  Not only has he lost weight that could be insulation, one of the side effects of the chemo is a susceptibility to the cold. Dr. said he's not supposed to have ice in his drinks or be outside in the cold.  He could get frost bite VERY easily.  He's being smart about things for the most part.  He stays inside when its VERY cold, he covers up when he has to go out and he doesn't stay out for long.

That's about all on my front.....

Tuesday Tidbits

Its' snowing!  They are saying we are going to get anywhere from 5-10 inches of the white stuff.  I am going to retreat to my own little world where its 80 and sunny and there is a cute guy in the surf to watch while I read my book. 

Dad's at Chemo today.  Hopefully he will get home before the worst of the snow starts.  ESM is at work and hopefully she will get home safe and sound as well.

If you are in the projected path of this storm, I hope you are safe and sound as well.

I had my first dinner party at the new place.  My parents came over for dinner on Friday and it was a success!  Good food, good family and good laughter filled the house.  Hopefully we will have lots more of those parties.

I'm planning to invite the girls I work with over for a dipping party.  They have been so supportive of me during my time of need.  They have offered advice and listened to me flip flop on making a decision.  I'll post some pictures from that get together.

Its crazy time again!  in TWO weeks, I will be swimming in the Atlantic Ocean for the Delaware Special Olympics.  This will be my 6th year of doing it.  Neicy and I are going to spend the night before down there and do a little partying.  Its going to be a blast!  The only hicup in the plan is that neither Neicy or I have anyone who can stand on the beach and take our pictures.  But the people we team with should have someone who will take them for us. It will all work out.  I can't wait!

Singing has been on winter break since the Holiday concert.  We're supposed to start back tonight and practice for the spring concert.  I'm not holding much hope that we'll start tonight.  But I have next week to look forward to!

Time for me to gather up the grant I'm writing.  They are not going to extend the deadline for weather so I think I will still be spending my afternoon off typing.

Be safe if you are affected by this storm and the coming cold blast!