Stages of Grief

Lets talk stages of grief.  I think I have moved through most of them. Most of them I experienced before Dad actually passed.  I am writing this out more for myself, to document how I think I am doing.

Denial and Isolation.

I don't know that I ever denied that he was going to die from this latest illness.  I knew the prognosis from the beginning and that they were giving him "palliative" care.  Just trying to make him comfortable and see if they could prolong his life.

I know Dad was in denial because he said he was going to beat this one too.  Okay.  Good for you, it helps to have a positive attitude.  But that also lead to ESM and him not being ready for his passing when it happened.

I did isolate myself from things, people and friends for a while, processing the diagnosis and trying to come to terms with it.  I also was trying to build up my strength for the battle I knew was coming.

Anger.

I don't know that I have ever lost my anger at this disease that has taken both of my parents from me.  I hated the disease and how it affected Mom and the rest of the family 15 years ago, and I hate it still for the presence it has maintained in my life since. I will probably hate it for the rest of my life.

I am angry that this disease has taken BOTH my parents from me long before I was ready to see them go.

Bargaining.

I didn't bargain with Dad and his illness.  I knew what to expect from watching Mom fight.  I made my bargains during Mom's illness and it didn't work.  I knew from Dad's diagnosis that it would only be a matter of time.  Once the disease gets to a certain point, its only a matter of time.  Early detection is key!  Remember that!

At this point I wouldn't bargain for Dad to be alive today.  I would only want him with us if he could be healthy and whole. And since that can't happen, he's where he needs to be.  At peace.

Depression.

This is a biggy.  I have been stuck here for SO LONG, I am sick of it.  I have been depressed probably since his diagnosis.  And its only been worse since he died.  I want to just pull myself out of it but its hard enough to get out of bed just to go to work, that I don't know that I have the energy to pull myself out of the depression too.

I don't want to be in this stage.  I want to be happy and move on with my life but depression just sucks you in and doesn't let go. Its like being stuck in the marsh mud at low tide.  You have to wait until high tide to comes in and releases you.  Marsh mud is nasty stuff, just like depression.

Acceptance.

I have accepted that Dad has died.  I am okay with that.  I miss him, especially when the car makes a weird noise and I need someone to ask what it might be and what I need to do about it.  I miss him when my snowman blow up lights up but won't blow up.  But I know he's gone and won't be coming back. I know that I will miss him everyday of my life.

So that is where I stand in the stages of grief.  Moving along nicely in some areas but stuck in the mud in others.