Selfish

I am selfish.  I am tired of all the work my father involves.  Driving him places, mainly Drs appts.  Helping him up out of the chair. Lifting his legs in the car. Being afraid I am going to hurt him.  I am just tired of him being tired and sick.  I want my strong, healthy Daddy back.

How can I be so selfish?  Do I honestly think HE wants to be so dependent on me and everyone around him?  He's the one suffering.  Not me.  He's the one fighting and probably loosing the fight for his life.  And I am tired of doing for him.

What a horrible, selfish Daughter I am!  But I am there.  I drop everything and run when he or ESM needs me.  When they called the Ambulance to take him to ER, I drove like a hellion to get there for them.  I stayed there until 3 am and he was settled in his room.  I was the one to run to Dunkin' Donuts to bring him a doughnut and a Pepsi.

I am tired.  I am selfish.  I want my strong, healthy Daddy back.  I think this is one time I might not be getting my way.

I am selfish.  I am tired.

Bucket List - Dad's News

Dad's news from the Cancer Dr was good and not so good. They didn't say "let's talk hospice." This time.  They did predict that he should have about 6-9 months to live while taking the chemo.  If he remains healthy enough to get the chemo.  They predicted he'd have about 3-6 months without the chemo. BUT....  Yes isn't there always a but?

But, Dad's cancer markers are going DOWN.  So this means something good is happening inside Dad.  Even when he feels like total crap.

The Dr said Dad is on very powerful drugs, the chemo and the superman shots.  There isn't much that can be done for the side effects that he's experiencing.  Daddy said the chemo doesn't affect him as badly as the superman shots.  The shots just put him flat on his back for a couple of days, even more if he gets them days in a row.

The shots are also affecting Daddy more quickly.  Before he'd make the 45 minute drive both ways, get the shot and be able to get home before experiencing the side effects of the shot.  Now, he's falling asleep about 20 minutes into the drive home.  ESM and I are sharing Daddy's trips over for the shots.

What the cancer dr is recommending is that Dad continue with this round of chemo, which is over at the end of August.  They will do a CAT Scan to see what's going on inside and Daddy will have to make a decision at that time.  I think he wants to fight for as much time as he can get.  I want him to fight too but I don't want him to suffer.

For now, we are at status quo.  Nothing has changed.  But it feels different to me. Maybe because there is a timeline.  We are long past the intermission and are quickly moving to the final act.  I have been enjoying the play up until last September when all this started.

But.  There's that but again.  Its time to put on my big girl panties and stand by my family.  We are in this together, no matter what.

One Step Closer

The news for Daddy doesn't seem to be good. The cancer Drs think they are on top of the cancer, even to the point of saying its under control. But Daddy doesn't seem to be able to handle the treatments very well.

He gets chemo about every other week because his blood counts are whacky.  So they give him shots to help balance his blood so he can get chemo. But the shots make him tired and weak.  The chemo makes him tired and weak. He spends a lot of time on the couch which is frustrating for him.

Daddy had a visit with his heart dr, who had a phone conference with his Primary Dr.  They are in agreement that Daddy might want to consider stopping the cancer treatments.  They think the chemo is really affecting his quality of life and if there isn't going to be much improvement in the cancer, that he might want to stop taking the chemo and let things play themselves out.

When we got the diagnosis of Stage 4 with liver metz, the Drs didn't say they could "cure" him, but hoped to make him more comfortable and extend his life.  To be honest, seeing Dad struggle with fighting this, I had expected they would recommend he stop chemo at the time of the last scan.  But there was no new growth with the last scan which gave us hope and renewed fight.

I talked to Dad about it and he does have some questions for the cancer drs.  He wants to find out if he should stop fighting or if he needs to fight harder and if so, how much harder.  ESM is going to the Drs with him today.  I will be having lunch with Oscar and waiting by the phone to hear what the cancer Drs have to say.

In talking with Daddy yesterday, it seems he wants to keep fighting but would be willing to accept stopping if its a lost cause.  He wants to live.  I want him to live but not if he's going to feel miserable all the time.  Yesterday seemed to be a good day.  He was at least in a good, talkative mood while I was there.  He was tired but it was nap time too.

I haven't given up on my Daddy, I am still praying that he will be able to live longer but feel better.  I will respect and help him in anyway I possibly can, no matter what decision he makes with his life.

Dad's Fight For His Life

I've mentioned on here that daddy has stage 4 stomach cancer with metastases to his liver.  He's also had two other cancers that he's beaten.  

He's been going for Chemo since September.  Around Christmas we got the good news that there was Shrinkage going on.  We were thrilled.  Dad was still having chemo and the side effects were getting to him a little more.  The cold winter really took a toll on him.  One of the side effects is that he's more susceptible to the cold, he's not even supposed to use ice in his drinks.

When it was time, he had another scan to measure the success of the continued chemo. These results weren't as good.  Things had started to grow again.  There was considerable growth in some of the tumors.  Enter more fear and worry.

The Drs have proposed a change in the chemo, with the drugs targeting the liver stuff more than the stomach stuff.  BUT, Daddy has been feeling worse and his blood levels have been out of whack so much that they were not able to give him the chemo for two weeks straight.  He's getting "Superman" shots to help build him up and regulate his blood levels.

There is a catch 22 happening here because the liver helps to regulate the blood levels but because of the liver disease his blood levels are out of whack.  They can't give him the chemo to help fight the liver disease because his blood levels are out of whack. If he could get the chemo, it would help fight the liver disease and help to regulate his blood levels.  Round and Round we go......

There are so many changes happening with Daddy.  I see him getting skinnier, weaker and more grumpy.  When he doesn't feel well, he's grumpy.  I feel for ESM because she is taking the brunt of his grumpiness.

Part of my problem is that I've watched all this happen before with Mom.  She fought for her life just as hard as Daddy is.  But this damn disease is horrible and fights back just as hard.  I watched Mom get skinnier, weaker and more grumpy and I know the outcome.  I am so scared for what I am pretty sure is coming with Dad.

I want to be positive and I usually am when I'm around Daddy and ESM and Jakes. But running around in my head are such negative thoughts, fears and worry.  Running around in my head are thoughts and plans for the end, who to call, what to do, where to go, etc.  Each week that he goes for chemo I worry that they are going to send him home with orders for Hospice.

I know there is probably a conversation I should have with my parents, like to lay out some plans and stuff but I feel that acknowledging that with my parents signifies that I am giving up on him and his fight.  I am not giving up on him and the fight but I think I am being realistic with the situation.  I am not ready to let down my guard with Daddy yet.  I don't want him to worry about me during all this, he has enough to worry about.

It used to be once there was liver involvement, you didn't have much time.  I am grateful that there has been improvements in treating all cancers.  But even with the improvements, Daddy is Stage 4 with metastases.  The Drs haven't said "you only have so long left" yet, but I am so afraid that it is coming and soon.

I have all these feelings and thoughts running around and I'm trying to make sense of everything while at the same time I'm spending as much time with them as possible, helping them as much as possible.  

Jakes and I spend at least one weekend day/evening with them.  I want to make sure that Jakes gets to spend as much time with his Gpop as possible.  I haven't decided what to do about Jakes visiting if daddy gets sicker and confined to bed like Mom was.  It was scary for me to watch Mom deteriorate, I don't know how Jakes will deal with it.  There is time to decide on that still, and Jakes is old enough to tell me what HE wants, if he wants to be with Gpop near the end or not.

For now, I am taking things one day at a time.  I cry in the shower most mornings and then find my strength to get through the day.  I have an appt with the therapist, am going back on medication and am working on my coping skills and meditation.  I know what I have to do to stay mentally healthy, its just so hard to do somedays.  One day at a time.  

Prognosis

We don't have any changes to Dad's prognosis as yet.  He gets a couple more treatments before they will scan him and see what affect the treatments have had in shrinking his tumors.

We recently stopped into his Drs office for an appointment that they scheduled.  Doc comes in the room, greets us and says "Why are you here today?"  Ummmmmm cause you said to be here.  UGH!  There was no reason for us to be there.  But Dad and ESM did have some questions to be answered.  Change that, answered by the Dr and translated by me.  sigh.....

Anyway, Doc said that there is considerable liver involvement, which I wasn't aware of before this appointment.  I knew there were some lesions on the liver but didn't realize how large they were. And then there are the tumors in his stomach.

ESM asked for a prognosis from this Doc.  He said we would have to wait until after the scan, which they would do after the next two treatments.  ESM wasn't happy with that answer.  I tried to explain to her, tried to reassure her that everything was fine.  She said she was ok when we left the Drs office.  I could tell she wasn't and it bothered me. I didn't want her to be anymore worried than she already was, I wanted to find a way to explain things to her.  BUT I didn't want to talk about this in front of Daddy, in case ESM wanted to talk about a death sentence for Daddy.

I wanted to explain to ESM that with the information they had on Daddy from his scans and tests, they really couldn't make a prognosis.  Or if they did make a prognosis, it wouldn't be a good one considering how much disease involvement there is.  I wanted to explain to ESM that because they offered treatment that they have hope that they can do something for Daddy, even with all the disease involvement.  I wanted to explain to ESM that once they finished the cycle of treatment and scanned Daddy, they would be able to determine if the treatment was working and would be able to come up with a prognosis based on the success of the treatment.  I wanted to explain to ESM that once they determine the success or failure of the treatment, they would come up with another treatment plan, be it continuing with this one or talking about hospice and comfort.

BUT there was no way I wanted to talk about this in front of Daddy.  I don't know if he wants to know a prognosis or if he already knows that they can't/won't make a prognosis just yet.

 

ESM and I ran into town the other night and I had my chance to chat with her about how things work in the medical community.  When we were done talking I felt better about how she felt.  And I hope she shares with Dad if he's concerned.

 

Until we get a new scan, things are status quo.

Tidbits

Dad starts Chemo tomorrow.  ESM is going with him and they are expecting to be there until early afternoon.  UGH.  Makes for a long boring day.  Dad will come home with a pump for two days and then go back to have it removed on Thursday.

I will be stopping over to walk their dog at lunchtime. Oscar is a sweetheart!  He just spent the weekend with us as Dad and ESM were taking one last long weekend trip for the end of summer.

The 4-legged boys relaxing in the sunshine

Jakes and I didn't have a very good weekend.  I picked him up at 5:30 pm Friday and he was back home by 9:30 am Saturday.  I will not be disrespected and threatened to the extent that he did in my own home.  I don't know that he learned a lesson but he's sent me a text today to apologize and ask my forgiveness.  Jakes and I will be having a talk before he comes back to my house for a visit.

Huny and I had a pretty good evening this weekend.  We went to a backyard wedding reception that ended with beers, wines, and a bonfire!  Lots of silliness, adult time and relaxation was had by all!  I met some of Huny's old friends and got to hear some "stories" of the old days.  They are good people who we need to hang out with more often.

A fabulous way to relax with friends

That's my weekend.  How was yours?

Quick Update

I know I said I was taking a break.  BUT, there are family members who read my blog for the details I share.  Dad has been keeping his sisters and brother up to date on things happening but he's a To The Point kinda guy.  lol  His email this week:

"Mediport placement went well. Chemo orientation 9/10. first chemo appointment 9/16"

Just the facts, ma'am. giggle.

SO!  Dad is doing well. While he was at the hospital all day long for the Mediport placement, the surgery went well and he's healed very well from it.  He said there is still a little bit of pain but he's still healing around the port.

I am very proud that he's taken ALL the advice of the drs.  He's eating more frequently and smaller portions. He said its like he's grazing all day long.  He's also resting more, which is good too.  

We are exploring ways to build him up a bit before the chemo starts.  They will also do what they can to minimize the effects of the chemo on him but still target the cancers.  He is going to try making shakes with a protein powder. Hopefully, this will help to build him up with some extra calories.

Dad is doing what he can to prevent infections, trying to keep from banging himself up. And not falling down.

I went to dinner with them last night and I have to say, he looks pretty good.  Still super skinny but he looks more alert and I don't know, he just looks healthier. I can't say what exactly but I'm liking how he looks.

He is still smoking as he always has.  I think if he were to cut back on those, he would feel worse and would be grumpier with everything around him.  Which is what we want to prevent.  No grumpy Daddy.

I am proud of him for his efforts to get healthier before he starts the chemo. He's got a good attitude, which is helping me to be strong and positive around him.

Being Right SUCKS

I have so many titles for this post.  All witty and with attitude.  Attitude I'm not feeling right now.... I am processing still.

We went to the Drs appt for Daddy.  I am thrilled they got him in so quickly, thrilled that they are affiliated with a top notch cancer research center and was very happy with the care and the time the Dr took with us.

I took notes while we were with the Dr and the Dr appreciated that I wanted to take information with us.  He gave us some print outs and gave me time to keep up with my note taking while he was talking with us.

So the final verdict, which I'm sure you want me to just put in the first line of this post.  I'm stalling.

I am a research junkie. I love to research things and learn about them.  Even if it is through Dr. Google and may not be exactly correct.  When Daddy first told me about all this going on, I went right to the Mayo Clinic and read up on what the Drs thought this could be.  That research resulted in many scared and irrational thoughts running through my mind.

Unfortunately, my diagnosis through Dr. Google was correct.  Daddy has Stage 4 Gastric Cancer. This is not treatable with surgery or radiation.  There are two options, one is to send Daddy home with Palliative Care and wait.  The other is to treat with chemo.

There are several cocktails that the Dr feels would be effective for Dad's cancer and also improve his quality of life.  They are running a couple more tests on the biopsies that will help to determine which cocktail will benefit most.  They are not saying they can CURE this, but can reduce the symptoms he is feeling from this growing in his body.

They are going insert a MediPort to allow easier access for administering the chemo.  He will have to go every two weeks for an infusion and will come home with a pump for two days after that.  As long as his body tolerates the cocktail, they will continue for about 3 months, then do some scans and other testing to see the status of the tumors.  (Yes tumors, more than one)

We are going to meet with a dietician to talk about proper nutrition and things he can eat to bulk up.  He's lost about 75 pounds this year.  He has no fat layer and is always cold.

We were joking at lunch that if there was a way to transplant Fat, he'd have a line of people willing to donate!  Dad smiled at that.

BUT!  If you want to send me your weight gaining tips and most fattening recipes, especially if they are flavored with vanilla, I'd appreciate them!  I told Daddy I'd make him anything he wants to eat!  Lasagna! I mean look at Garfield!

So.  A part of me feels better because we have answers and a plan of action.  Another part of me wants to hide under my desk and rock like a baby.  For tonight I think I will do just that,but with my teddy bear.  Tomorrow, I will pick myself up, dust off and march forward in this fight.

News with an Attitude

I posted a "just the facts, ma'am" entry about Dad's news.  We are still gathering all the information about what's going on with him.  The lab is still processing the biopsy but they have determined that it is cancer. They are still working on the staging of the tumor so there is still info to gather.  We should have that by next Wednesday.

Dad's primary Dr is going to make an appointment for Dad with the Fox Chase Cancer Center that is fairly local to us.  I am pleased with this decision.  Dad was talking about going to the Dr Mom used over 14 years ago.  This Dr is a good Dr and did everything he could for her.  But he's not affiliated with a Big Name Cancer research and treatment center.

I have been struggling with this news since Wednesday.  I have been wallowing and still imaging the worst outcome for my daddy.  And I have been afraid to talk or see Daddy, afraid that I couldn't be strong for him.

Well, he took that out of my hands by stopping by my work on his way home from the Drs.  Sitting in his truck in the parking lot, he told me the news, very matter-of-factly.  Then, he tells me that he has his fathers' genes.  My grandfather beat 5 different types of cancer. Dad said he's only beat 3 so he's not done until he beats Grandpop's record.  Ha-ha!  

You go, Daddy!  What an attitude!

BUT that attitude is helping me to change how I am reacting to this news. I feel my strength coming back.  I feel like I can be there for Daddy and can help him fight this nasty, miserable disease.

Its not going to be easy and I know there will be lows as well as highs. But attitude is everything.  And my Daddy has plenty of attitude.  And I am my father's daughter, with attitude!