Kicking Myself

I moved six months ago.  I settled into the new place quickly.  Its nice to have a safe place to come home to and enjoy.  Jakes loves the new place as well.  He has made friends with the kids in the neighborhood and has even been exploring outside the neighborhood and found how close one of his friends from the farm lives.  He is always asking to take my bike over their house.

It was a very good decision for me to move, for so many reasons.  Overall, I am happier - I know I'm safer - and comfortable where I am now.

So WHY oh why do I keep kicking myself for things I left when I moved.  Its not even expensive or sentimental stuff that I left.  A Tupperwear pitcher. A bag of frozen peppers that I grew last summer.  My hammock chair that I don't have a place to hang.  Theses are just things I forgot to pack cause they were in use when I packed things up or were in the shed, which I didn't check.  They are not things that are irreplaceable or that I even need.

Yet I am still haunted by the fact that I left them.  I still kick myself several times a week over the fact that I left them.  For the last SIX MONTHS.  Really?  Why can't I just let it go?  I feel so stupid because I can't let it go.

I can only hope that as time goes by and I replace the things that I can use, I will stop kicking myself.  Time heals all wounds, right?

Dad's Fight For His Life

I've mentioned on here that daddy has stage 4 stomach cancer with metastases to his liver.  He's also had two other cancers that he's beaten.  

He's been going for Chemo since September.  Around Christmas we got the good news that there was Shrinkage going on.  We were thrilled.  Dad was still having chemo and the side effects were getting to him a little more.  The cold winter really took a toll on him.  One of the side effects is that he's more susceptible to the cold, he's not even supposed to use ice in his drinks.

When it was time, he had another scan to measure the success of the continued chemo. These results weren't as good.  Things had started to grow again.  There was considerable growth in some of the tumors.  Enter more fear and worry.

The Drs have proposed a change in the chemo, with the drugs targeting the liver stuff more than the stomach stuff.  BUT, Daddy has been feeling worse and his blood levels have been out of whack so much that they were not able to give him the chemo for two weeks straight.  He's getting "Superman" shots to help build him up and regulate his blood levels.

There is a catch 22 happening here because the liver helps to regulate the blood levels but because of the liver disease his blood levels are out of whack.  They can't give him the chemo to help fight the liver disease because his blood levels are out of whack. If he could get the chemo, it would help fight the liver disease and help to regulate his blood levels.  Round and Round we go......

There are so many changes happening with Daddy.  I see him getting skinnier, weaker and more grumpy.  When he doesn't feel well, he's grumpy.  I feel for ESM because she is taking the brunt of his grumpiness.

Part of my problem is that I've watched all this happen before with Mom.  She fought for her life just as hard as Daddy is.  But this damn disease is horrible and fights back just as hard.  I watched Mom get skinnier, weaker and more grumpy and I know the outcome.  I am so scared for what I am pretty sure is coming with Dad.

I want to be positive and I usually am when I'm around Daddy and ESM and Jakes. But running around in my head are such negative thoughts, fears and worry.  Running around in my head are thoughts and plans for the end, who to call, what to do, where to go, etc.  Each week that he goes for chemo I worry that they are going to send him home with orders for Hospice.

I know there is probably a conversation I should have with my parents, like to lay out some plans and stuff but I feel that acknowledging that with my parents signifies that I am giving up on him and his fight.  I am not giving up on him and the fight but I think I am being realistic with the situation.  I am not ready to let down my guard with Daddy yet.  I don't want him to worry about me during all this, he has enough to worry about.

It used to be once there was liver involvement, you didn't have much time.  I am grateful that there has been improvements in treating all cancers.  But even with the improvements, Daddy is Stage 4 with metastases.  The Drs haven't said "you only have so long left" yet, but I am so afraid that it is coming and soon.

I have all these feelings and thoughts running around and I'm trying to make sense of everything while at the same time I'm spending as much time with them as possible, helping them as much as possible.  

Jakes and I spend at least one weekend day/evening with them.  I want to make sure that Jakes gets to spend as much time with his Gpop as possible.  I haven't decided what to do about Jakes visiting if daddy gets sicker and confined to bed like Mom was.  It was scary for me to watch Mom deteriorate, I don't know how Jakes will deal with it.  There is time to decide on that still, and Jakes is old enough to tell me what HE wants, if he wants to be with Gpop near the end or not.

For now, I am taking things one day at a time.  I cry in the shower most mornings and then find my strength to get through the day.  I have an appt with the therapist, am going back on medication and am working on my coping skills and meditation.  I know what I have to do to stay mentally healthy, its just so hard to do somedays.  One day at a time.  

Letting Go and Moving On

As I've posted in the past, I've moved. When I moved, I also severed all ties to AZ.  His lifestyle and morals are so far from mine that there was no middle ground to meet on.  There was no respect for each other, and there certainly wasn't love in the relationship.

But I am still MAD as HELL at him for putting me through all that he did while we were sharing the house and for making me have to move and change my life.  I am so mad that I want Karma to come down and give him what I consider "Just Desserts".

I want his life to crash and hit bottom like mine did.  Its only fair, right?

There are so many things that he is doing that are illegal and immoral and all it would take is a couple of phone calls on my part to cause trouble for him.  But is he worth it?  Nope.

If I cause trouble, that opens me up to Karma b*tch-slapp me in the future.  I am trying to remind myself that what comes around, goes around and he will get his come-up-ance in time.  I just am having a hard time leaving it up to the universe.

But its just so hard to let go of that anger that I have at him.  Its not keeping me from living my life, but whenever I have down-time, my mind wanders to revenge and being pissed at him (and myself) for the way I was living my life for so long.

Things take time and even if the relationship sucked BIG time, its still the death of a relationship and I am allowed to grieve for it.  I am grieving for what I thought I was going to get when he moved back here from AZ and wanted to be a couple.  I am grieving for the man who is wasting his life in a stupor because he is afraid to face life sober.

I am grieving for all the time I spent trying to make "it work". 

I am trying to tell myself to move on, to let it go and live the life I am meant to live.  I am unpacking, hanging pictures, enjoying time with my son and friends and parents.  I am finding and loving ME again.

I am trying to move one.  One Day At A Time.

The Star of the Farm - This Week

Jakes was features on the Farm's blog this week!  Ms. Jill is just SO proud of Jakes and all he has accomplished.

Check out her post!  She did a fabulous job of singing my son's praises!


http://anythingforhorseandrider.wordpress.com/2013/11/10/you-go-jac/

Farm Stories

Jakes loves going to the farm for riding lessons.  He loves being able to stay after the lessons to work with the horses and the teachers.  And they love having him there too.  If anything needs to be done, Jakes is right there to help.

Pumpkin is Jakes buddy.  He loves Pumpkin and Pumpkin loves him.  Jakes was having a lesson on Nugget and another helper was out trying to catch Pumpkin.  Pumpkin was being contrary and didn't want to be caught.  Ms. Jill sent Jakes out to help.  Pumpkin came right over to Jakes and let him harness and lead him into the ring for work.

When Pumpkin was finished for the day, Jakes led him back into the pasture and Jakes scratched Pumpkin in his special spot.  Pumpkin LOVED it!  He stretched his head up and nickered.  And when Jakes was done, said good-bye, Pumpkin turned and nudged Jakes in response.

I watched Jakes riding around the ring on Nugget.  He was steering him and working the course all by himself.  I was amazed!  The last time I watched Jakes on a horse, he had to be lead and guided by one of the teachers.  Ms. Jill said he's gotten so much better.  This weekend, I will stick around and get some pictures of him.

There is a wonderful young man, David who is blind and has other special needs.  David loves riding.  David's grandmother loves Jakes and how he is with David. Jakes is gentle with David, he tells him where to walk, step and helps to hold him in the saddle.  Jakes and David are about the same age so they get along and chat about "boy" things.  Jakes considers David a friend.

One day at the farm, Jakes was helping to hold Pixie in the saddle.  Pixie is a 3 year old autistic girl and she is just adorable.  She doesn't make eye contact but she knows there is a world out there.  She will respond when you talk to her and she will answer questions.   Her dad wanted to demonstrate how smart she is.  She was standing over at a KIA van when her dad asked her to show him the K-I-A.  She pointed to each one and started to walk away.  Her dad asked her to point to the numbers on the license plate.  She was already "done" with showing off, but she still turned and waved her hand in the general direction of the car.

On the day that Jakes was holding her in the saddle, Ms. Jill was telling her that they were done and it was time to get off.  Pixie put her arms around Jakes neck for him to lift her off the horse.  She made eye contact with him when he stood her on the ground.  So Sweet!

Last week, Jakes made an obstacle course for the other helpers and then he judged them as they went through the course.  He also made up prizes and some were very creative.  I was impressed with his imagination.  I loved that the other kids were willing to play with him, working it in around their chores.

Jakes loves going to the farm, not only for the horses but also because he is accepted and valued by everyone, not just the adults.  I love Jakes going to the farm because he has a place where he loves to go and feels accepted and valued, by everyone.

Special Kids and a Rant

My Jakes is a special kid. I know this.  I also know how to work with him, usually.  With his Asperger's, he may need extra attention and prepping to accept a situation. 

Such as when AZ and I decided we were moving.  I didn't say anything to Jakes about it cause I didn't want his father hearing about it.  But that also meant, Jakes didn't get the prep time he would need to make the changes in his mind to make the transition.  I basically picked him up for the weekend and said "we're moving, deal with it."  Had Jakes been living with me full time still, I would have told him about moving and the reasons behind it, I would have explained why we were considering moving where we did, etc.  Since I didn't do this with him, he wasn't happy about moving at all.  He's coming around and even liked being at the house last weekend and is already telling me of the things he wants to help with this weekend while he's visiting. 

Another sign of Asperger's is lack of empathy for others around him.  Jakes is learning this over time.  He worries over his Grandpop when GPop doesn't feel well and Jakes is always ready to help carry things up and down the steps.  Jakes also worried about Mam, his paternal grandmother and does what he can to help her out.  I love this about him.  It shows me how much he has grown and how much he can care about others.  It makes me proud. 

Another thing that makes me proud is the reports from his riding teacher.  She loves having him around and tells me how wonderful Jakes is with the horses and the other teachers.  This week she asked if he could come over on Thursday to help out with a group of Special Needs kids who are coming.  She said he is wonderful with any child who is different.  He is patient and tender with them and she knows she can trust him to protect them and the horse they are on.  She knows she is blessed to have Jakes around to help out.

How is it that a child who has a diagnosis and is special in his own ways, can be so loving and compassionate with others similar to him yet there are people who are not diagnosis as special are so cruel to my child and others like him? 

When Jakes and JR met the first time, things didn't go well.  Ok, I can understand that.  Jakes is different.  But now JR avoids being around Jakes as much as possible.  He won't even come home when Jakes is around.  This bothers me.  A lot.

I am not expecting them to be the best of friends, nor do I expect them to hang out together.  I would like to know that JR is comfortable coming home when Jakes is there.  Jr lives there after all and they will have to share a bedroom. 

AZ supports his son leaving and spending time with his mother while Jakes is visiting.  I have a problem with JR visiting his mother.  There is a reason AZ has custody and its been proven time and again why its not good for JR to be at his mothers so much. 

I don't think its right that JR be allowed to avoid Jakes, to avoid getting to know him and to learn about his differences.  One of the things that Jakes has to deal with in school is the narrow-minded kids who pick on him because he's different.  JR should learn to deal with people and kids who are different than he is.  And Jakes could learn from JR about more normal interaction and activities.

AZ and I have discussed this some but he seems as though he doesn't want to force the issue for JR and Jakes to be in the same place at the same time.  Well, we're going to have to figure it out because we have lots of camping trip ideas and if its a weekend when I am scheduled to have Jakes, I don't want anyone to miss out on the fun.

My motto for the past 6 months or so has been "we'll figure it out" and that's true in this instance as well.  We'll figure it out and time will tell how the chips will fall.