Letting Go and Moving On

As I've posted in the past, I've moved. When I moved, I also severed all ties to AZ.  His lifestyle and morals are so far from mine that there was no middle ground to meet on.  There was no respect for each other, and there certainly wasn't love in the relationship.

But I am still MAD as HELL at him for putting me through all that he did while we were sharing the house and for making me have to move and change my life.  I am so mad that I want Karma to come down and give him what I consider "Just Desserts".

I want his life to crash and hit bottom like mine did.  Its only fair, right?

There are so many things that he is doing that are illegal and immoral and all it would take is a couple of phone calls on my part to cause trouble for him.  But is he worth it?  Nope.

If I cause trouble, that opens me up to Karma b*tch-slapp me in the future.  I am trying to remind myself that what comes around, goes around and he will get his come-up-ance in time.  I just am having a hard time leaving it up to the universe.

But its just so hard to let go of that anger that I have at him.  Its not keeping me from living my life, but whenever I have down-time, my mind wanders to revenge and being pissed at him (and myself) for the way I was living my life for so long.

Things take time and even if the relationship sucked BIG time, its still the death of a relationship and I am allowed to grieve for it.  I am grieving for what I thought I was going to get when he moved back here from AZ and wanted to be a couple.  I am grieving for the man who is wasting his life in a stupor because he is afraid to face life sober.

I am grieving for all the time I spent trying to make "it work". 

I am trying to tell myself to move on, to let it go and live the life I am meant to live.  I am unpacking, hanging pictures, enjoying time with my son and friends and parents.  I am finding and loving ME again.

I am trying to move one.  One Day At A Time.

Thursday Thoughts

Its been about two weeks since Jakes moved to his dad's.  The first week was kinda hard for me to adjust to.  I was lonely after work, no one to argue with or nag to get things done or to hide from.

In the middle of the week, he got his phone and would text me throughout the days.  Such a little thing made me so happy!  I didn't miss him as much.

Then the weekend came and it was my time with him.  While we still argued a little and his still has a mouth on him, it was an enjoyable time. I WANTED to spend time with him.  I WANTED to play video games with him.  We were much more relaxed with each other and able to joke around and tease each other.  When it was time for me to say goodbye at the end of the weekend, I was ready for him to go but not in a bad way.  I was coming to realize that this might just be The Right situation for Jakes and me right now.

This past week has been a busy one for me, with traveling for work and election day in the mix and Jakes started school so he hasn't had as much time for texting.  But its ok.  I know he loves me and he knows I love him.  We both know that I'll be there on Friday to get him again.

Last night I went to dinner with my parents and on the way home, I said how much better I've been feeling.  So much less stressed and even happier.  EMS said the same thing.  She said she noticed that I've been laughing much more.  Like at dinner, we were teasing Dad about things and being rowdy in the diner.

Jakes seems to be doing well over at his dad's also. This is his first week of school and he said its ok.  He seemed to have a lot of homework to do.  It will take some time for things to settle in over at his dad's.  I imagine Jakes is on his best behavior and won't argue as much with his dad as he has with me over the years.  Once the "Honeymoon" is over, there might be more troubles in their household.  I hope not, for Jakes sake.

I did everything I could to make things work between Jakes and myself over the years.  I have always believed that a child should be with their mom's, in my way of thinking that was the traditional way of life.  I am coming to realize that there are many different families.  It all depends on what is best for the child.

I think having Jakes out of my home is best for ME.  I can only wait and see if its what is best for him.  But as any good mother will do, if this doesn't work for him, I'll fight to make sure we find a situation that WILL work for him.  Jakes comes first! But right now, I'm at peace with my decision.

Peacful Morning

This morning was so lovely. The quiet and calm broken only by the screech of a bird and the upstairs neighbor fire pagers. Son still in bed. OH! Son still in bed! Gotta get him up so there is no repeat of yesterday! Anyway, here are pictures of my peaceful morning.

The sky

Looking south from my yard

Looking North from my yard

Happy Morning!