Friday, August 16, 2013

Scared, Irrational Thoughts

There are new health related things going with Daddy. They have me SO scared.  Because we don't know anything for definite yet, I've been trying to not think about it and worry about it.  But since my Mom's side of the family are pessimistic Germans, I've had my imagination going wild.  And googling the stuff hasn't helped much.

See, when he fell a couple weeks ago, they found a tumor in his stomach and lesions on his liver.  They are not sure yet what's up with them and he has an appointment to get it checked next week.  BUT....

I've checked out his symptoms and if what has been reported to me from Dad and ESM and an ER Doc, its not a good outlook.  I am not a person who gives up and usually sees things as half empty.  I am usually a half full kinda person, a person who always has hope that things will turn out good.  I am the person that tried to get my mom in a clinical trial after she had been put on Hospice.

Without having all the information and diagnosis from any testing that the Drs want to do, I am having all these irrational thoughts. I  am scared to loose my Daddy.  

I have made plans, in my head for the funeral.  I am making a list of the pictures that I want displayed at the funeral. I have gone through my list of relatives and friends of Dad's for anyone who is able to be a pall bearer.

I KNOW this is all crazy and stupid thoughts.  Thoughts that should not be in my mind but I can't help but have them running circles around my head.  I don't know how to get them out and of course, I can't talk to anyone about them because they are just crazy and inappropriate thoughts. I know these are horrible, horrible thoughts to be having.

I can only wait until the test results are back to find out what the next step is going to be for him and the rest of the family.  And if its as bad as my pessimistic imagination has made it out to be, I will be prepared with pictures and pall bearers. 

Maybe its time for some smart A$$ery comments.


  1. hey will keep you and you dad in our prayers...i know that is scary....and how those thoughts can consume you as well....peace

  2. Ugh. I know exactly how your mind is working. Mine would be doing the exact thing. We do it so that things to knock us down by taking us by surprise. When in fear, plan.

    Just hang in there, take it moment by moment and try to just enjoy being present with him.

    Hugs to you A.

  3. oh, amy, i know that is mind would be doing the same exact thing. really.
    i will keep you and your dad in my thoughts and prayers. just wanted you to know that i'm here for you.

    hang in there, sweetheart!

    love and (((HUGS)))


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