Monday, July 20, 2015

Playing Catch Up...sigh

Yes, I've been missing in the Blog World. I would love to say I've been living my life.  And that would be partially true.  The other part of that is that I've been avoiding things.  Lots of things.  sigh.  And I'm not saying I'm ready to face all of those things but I think I will have a better chance of facing them if I talk about them.  And here is where I talk about them, with honesty.

To bring you up to date:  Jakes and I made up.  Just in time for him to go back to the farm this spring.  For a while, things were good between us.  I limited the time we spent together, only one overnight every other weekend. And some Friday evening dinners.  But then school got out and he wanted to spend more time with me, he's not very happy at his fathers and I am a push over to take him to the farm. sigh.... but more time led to us falling back into our old routine of annoyance and disrespect.  He's been here for a week now, with many blow-ups and arguments.  He also thinks he's coming back next Friday for another week.  And right now, I am not willing to have him.

But as his mother, I'm SUPPOSED to want him around right?  And those feelings have created a lot of guilt and conflict within me.  I have to get over what I think is expected of a mother and accept what I can actually DO in this life with THIS child of mine.  I have to reconcile my heart and my head that I may not be able to be the mother I think is expected of me in this day and age. I  think I spend a lot of time comparing my mothering skills to those of my mother.  She was raising children in a different age and I can't ask her if what I'm feeling is "normal".  See..... I have a lot to reconcile in my heart and my head.  More on this later.

Work is work. Summer is the slow season for me but at the years end, I will be getting busier.  I've also contemplated looking around to change jobs.  Maybe I need something that will engage my mind more.  But then I think about all the vacation days (20 per year plus sick time) and the flexible schedule I have and I chicken out.  The pay is good and its close to home.  sigh.....

I am going to start a part-time job in September.  Nothing that will add stress to my life, weekends only. In a decorating warehouse that's open to the public. I will be a cashier/stock person.

So I have some things on the horizon to look forward to. And some things to work through.  So I'm back to continue with my therapy. I hope you'll join me on my adventures1

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