Honesty About Jakes

I haven't seen Jakes since the middle of October.  And I don't miss him.  We had a huge fight.  I mean huge, with police called and threats of charges from both sides.  

Huge fight.  Nasty fight.  I haven't seen or heard from him since.  And I don't miss him.

To be honest, and that's what I'm supposed to be doing here, I have been dreading seeing him for a long, long time.  I didn't want to go and get him for the weekends.  I didn't want to have to argue with him over everything.  I was sick of being talked down to by him. I was sick of bowing down to his wishes for everything.

I continued to get him on weekends cause that is what a mother is supposed to do.  I continued to see him cause his is my son.  

His behavior and disrespect immediately prior to the fight was the last straw for me.  So I've decided that I do not have to be treated like that, even by my son.  I refuse to be treated like that by my son.   Even if he is my son.

So I've said a metaphorical good-bye to him and am trying to enjoy my life.  

Homework

Therapy involves homework sometimes.  At least if you want to get something out of therapy.  Or at least that's how its been for me.  I have had two wonderful therapists and they both have always given me homework.

When I go to them, I usually already have a goal of what I want out of therapy.  Not to be depressed, help with knowing when its time to end the marriage, help with managing my child and still having a good relationship with him.  Not everyone who goes into therapy goes there with goals in mind.  But that's where the therapist comes into the picture, to figure out why the person is there and what their goal should be for the visits.

One of my friends was surprised that I have homework from therapy.  But then this person has never been in therapy, just evaluated and then they blow off the therapy portion.  But that is also part of their mental health problem.

I haven't been to see her in over a year, not since I needed guidance on switching custody of Jakes.  When I told her about the situation I was there to discuss, she yelled at ME.  giggle    

She knows I have the skills to take care of this problem on my own.  She taught them to me!

So that is part of my homework, why I felt the need to come to her instead of handling it on my own.  Figure out why I didn't want to confront things on my own.

So, Therapy comes with homework.  And since I go back to see her next week, I probably should get started on it.  Right after I finish reading about mental health licensure in the State.

Counting Down

The decision for Jakes to go live with his father has been made, the papers signed and the boxes are being packed.  After Days and Days of waffling and worrying that I'm making the right decision, I finally reconciled myself that its for the best.

Now the count down is on.  Jakes is moving with his dad this coming weekend.  He's started packing and has been listing all this wonderful things he's going to have at his dad's that he doesn't have with me.  A TV, a Stereo, and a cell phone of his own.  A little bribery?  Or just a bunch of stuff that can be taken away for misbehaviors?

Lately, I've been angry. I can't figure out who I'm angry at.  I've been taking it out on everyone in my house and the compound.  Which is not fair to them. 

Part of me is angry at myself, for failing to provide the happy and healthy environment for Jakes.  I can't help but think there had to be something else I could have done to keep this from happening.  Not that I can come up with anything else to do...... 

Part of me is angry at Jakes for not complying with the rules and the therapies we've tried.  I feel like he has purposely sabotaged everything in order to be allowed to move to his fathers house.

I'm angry at his father too.  He has never done anything to help with the raising of Jakes.  Not even when I've told him that I was struggling and needed his help.  He's so egotistical that he doesn't think he will have the same problems with Jakes that I've had.  He actually said that to me.

Part of me hopes that this move will be the best thing I've ever done for Jakes.  Its not what I want but its what I think is best for Jakes at this point.  What I want is irrelevant right now.  As his mother, I have to think and do what is best for him.

Part of me also hopes that Jakes continues his behaviors with his father and that his father struggles the same way I have.  That's the vindictive side of me and is not what is best for Jakes.  But it sure would be fun to see his father struggle and have that ego taken down a few pegs by his kid!

I am angry that I am not getting what I want, what I dreamed for my life.  I've had my marriage taken from me and now I'm loosing my child.  What else am I going to fail at?

Light Hearted and Hopeful

I sit here in my office this afternoon feeling almost happy.  Kinda light hearted.  See the decision has been made, the details hammered out and the appointment made to sign the papers.

My Son, who I love with all my being, is going to go live with his father.  Yes, I can actually say and write that without breaking down.

After countless hours of pondering, bouncing back and forth on my decision, and weighing the pros and cons of the situation, I know in my heart and my head that this is the best option I have available for Jakes and myself.  Jakes will get the opportunity to live with his father, get to spend lots of quality time with him and get to know him on a level different than "weekend father."  I will get a much needed break from everything I've had to do with my moody, pre-teen, Aspergers with ADHD and now epilepsy son. 

Jakes and I will have the chance to be together without all the schedules and homework and hopefully this will cut down on our arguments.  I am seeing this as a chance to have a relationship with my son.  Not a situation where I have to nag him to get stuff done and do this and don't do that.  I'm sure there will be some of that, but for the most part I am hoping to just BE with Jakes.

Once we (myself and JF) hammered out all the details, with meltdowns and temper tantrums included, I am starting to feel pretty good about this situation.  I know that in his way, which is different than mine, JF loves Jakes and wants the best for him. I know that no harm will come to Jakes while in his fathers care.  And JF knows that only God will be able to help him, if something does happen to Jakes.

I am not planning to run out on Jakes.  I will have him for most weekends and on the weekends where I don't have him, I will see him on Fridays for dinner.  I have put wording in the proposal that I'm to be notified of Drs appointments, school meetings and other stuff.  I can chose if I can/want attend these functions.

JF had expected that we would just reverse the roles we are playing now.  Once I convinced him that I want more and that I was willing to fight for more in court, he made a final proposal that was acceptable to me.  I am hoping that Jakes will want to spend some summers with me.  I don't know that I want him to move back, but if things don't work out at his fathers, I will take him.

But overall, I am feeling hopeful about my future with my son.  It may not be the way I envisioned when he was born, but things change and you have to go with the flow........

Sunday Check In

Its been a long week for me.  I know I've been whining a lot on here about Jakes and my decision to send him to live with his father.  But this is my space to whine and writing about my thoughts helps me to organize my mind and work through my feelings. 

This week, Jakes behavior has been much better.  Don't get me wrong, there is still his disrespect and arguments over getting things done, but he's been less argumentative.  He also has been less angry with me. 

He told me he doesn't want to be sent away.  This of course lead to my explaining to him that I'm not sending him away but that I'm trying to give him an opportunity to be happier and have a better relationship with me and his father.  I don't think he bought it.  lol

His admission that he doesn't want to go also raised my motherly protection instincts to their highest levels.  I started questioning whether what I've decided is REALLY the right thing to do.  Jakes asked for my help, he wants me to find a way to help our relationship with him staying with me.  He wants me to "think outside the box".  He wants me to fix it like a mother is supposed to, but so that he gets his way.

I don't know what else to do to help us. I am convinced that his living with his father IS the solution, at least for now.  If things don't work out at his fathers, then we'll think outside the box for another solution.

This fighting instinct resulted in an emergency session with my therapist.  She is wonderful to have fit me in so quickly.  I am getting the same support for my decision across the board, from my therapist, my friends, and my family.

This has been the hardest decision I've ever had to make.  I have finally accepted that its the best decision for the resources I have at my disposal.  Jakes is going to have a wonderful opportunity to get to know his father, to know what its like to live in a family with a mother figure, a father figure and a sibling.  This is something I cannot give him at this point in our life.  He'll have a male role model (his father) and that's something every 12 year old boy should have, if the opportunity presents itself.

I will still be very active in Jakes life, I will get him every weekend.  I will still be involved in his school career and his medical conditions.

Now to get Jakes to understand all this. And to start packing him up.