Light Hearted and Hopeful

I sit here in my office this afternoon feeling almost happy.  Kinda light hearted.  See the decision has been made, the details hammered out and the appointment made to sign the papers.

My Son, who I love with all my being, is going to go live with his father.  Yes, I can actually say and write that without breaking down.

After countless hours of pondering, bouncing back and forth on my decision, and weighing the pros and cons of the situation, I know in my heart and my head that this is the best option I have available for Jakes and myself.  Jakes will get the opportunity to live with his father, get to spend lots of quality time with him and get to know him on a level different than "weekend father."  I will get a much needed break from everything I've had to do with my moody, pre-teen, Aspergers with ADHD and now epilepsy son. 

Jakes and I will have the chance to be together without all the schedules and homework and hopefully this will cut down on our arguments.  I am seeing this as a chance to have a relationship with my son.  Not a situation where I have to nag him to get stuff done and do this and don't do that.  I'm sure there will be some of that, but for the most part I am hoping to just BE with Jakes.

Once we (myself and JF) hammered out all the details, with meltdowns and temper tantrums included, I am starting to feel pretty good about this situation.  I know that in his way, which is different than mine, JF loves Jakes and wants the best for him. I know that no harm will come to Jakes while in his fathers care.  And JF knows that only God will be able to help him, if something does happen to Jakes.

I am not planning to run out on Jakes.  I will have him for most weekends and on the weekends where I don't have him, I will see him on Fridays for dinner.  I have put wording in the proposal that I'm to be notified of Drs appointments, school meetings and other stuff.  I can chose if I can/want attend these functions.

JF had expected that we would just reverse the roles we are playing now.  Once I convinced him that I want more and that I was willing to fight for more in court, he made a final proposal that was acceptable to me.  I am hoping that Jakes will want to spend some summers with me.  I don't know that I want him to move back, but if things don't work out at his fathers, I will take him.

But overall, I am feeling hopeful about my future with my son.  It may not be the way I envisioned when he was born, but things change and you have to go with the flow........