What's Going On

We are living life.  And while not all roses and sunshine, its been pretty good.  Money seems to be the biggest problem, which goes for a lot of people, of course.

AZ and I are communicating better about things and sharing more of our lives together.  He has been sober and really making an effort to change how things are.  I'm very proud of the steps he's taken recently and I can't wait to see where his plans take us.

We have plans to go camping over the fourth of July weekend.  Jakes is coming with us.  The Gparents will be in a spot around the corner too.  And of course, our dogs.  The Campground is where we went last year and we really enjoyed it.  They have fireworks on Saturday and they seem to be some of the best in the county!

For Jakes graduation present, he wants to go to Washington DC and see the sights.  They went there for his class trip but didn't get to spend a lot of time around there.  Jakes has ideas of some of the stuff that he wants to see.  AZ hasn't been to Washington since high school and is excited to go as well.  I'm excited that I will get to spend some time with my Guys.

This is life.  And its really not bad and definitely improving.

Tidbit Tuesday

Saying lots of prayers for everyone in and around Boston who has been affected by the horrific bombings there.  I"m also praying that the law enforcement agencies there are able to find the sicko(s) who did this.

Last week we found out that our Autism Center is closed. There was a simple email asking us for patience while they analyzed things to see where they could go with the new lack of funding.  Then Jill at the Farm heard that the Center wouldn't be paying for any services going forward.  This is not a good thing for the kids who need help with transitions!  To have their services (there were many in addition to the Equine Therapy) yanked from them with no notice.  I know there are many parents who have been doing a mad scramble to get things in place to keep their kids moving forward.

Jill and her group of wonderful parents are working together to find funding to continue the Equine Therapy for the Autism Kids.  They are planning a Chinese Auction and I am keeping my eyes pealed for grants that would work for the Farm.

Jakes and I had another blow out this weekend.  He's not speaking to me and has said that he won't be coming to see me EVER.  giggle.  And until he apologizes for his mouth and his other behaviors from this past weekend, I don't want to hear from him either.

For now, Jakes and I are not talking and he says he won't be coming back to my house ever.  We'll see how long that lasts, probably until his dad annoys him and he needs to get away from his father.  But he'd better be ready to apologize to me before he's allowed in my house again.

Things between AZ and I are going really well.  He has been awake and sober and we are both participating in the relationship.  I have hope again!  We are planning a camping trip for Mothers Day weekend.  We're going to stay local, its cheaper!  Dad and ESM are going to meet us at the campground where they will have their own site just down the road.

JR and his friends have made the camper their "man cave" over the winter and AZ has already told them they will be cleaning it before we leave.  I said I'm not touching it, its all their responsibility.

AZ and I are planning to put in a garden.  I can't wait to get the ground tilled and get some plants in there!  Fresh veggies over the summer!  Oh YUM!

My Spring Concert is coming up soon.  The choir is working hard to get the right notes and words in place.  I love working with my voice!  I'll miss this over the summer.

Well, that's about all that's going on my little corner of the world.  How's things where you are?

Hope

Such a short word. Such a powerful word. Such a hard thing to believe in.

I consider myself an optimistic person, I try to see the good in any situation. Yes, I may wallow for a bit, but that's normal.  You have to take time to process things and see which way is up.

With all that I've been through in my 30's, I have very high hopes that my 40's and later will be a wonderful time in my life.  I've learned so much in my past, I don't want to say it was worth it, but how else will you learn?  By living with the good and living through the bad.

I will continue to live with hope.  Hope for a good life and hope for the strength to live through the bad.

Light Hearted and Hopeful

I sit here in my office this afternoon feeling almost happy.  Kinda light hearted.  See the decision has been made, the details hammered out and the appointment made to sign the papers.

My Son, who I love with all my being, is going to go live with his father.  Yes, I can actually say and write that without breaking down.

After countless hours of pondering, bouncing back and forth on my decision, and weighing the pros and cons of the situation, I know in my heart and my head that this is the best option I have available for Jakes and myself.  Jakes will get the opportunity to live with his father, get to spend lots of quality time with him and get to know him on a level different than "weekend father."  I will get a much needed break from everything I've had to do with my moody, pre-teen, Aspergers with ADHD and now epilepsy son. 

Jakes and I will have the chance to be together without all the schedules and homework and hopefully this will cut down on our arguments.  I am seeing this as a chance to have a relationship with my son.  Not a situation where I have to nag him to get stuff done and do this and don't do that.  I'm sure there will be some of that, but for the most part I am hoping to just BE with Jakes.

Once we (myself and JF) hammered out all the details, with meltdowns and temper tantrums included, I am starting to feel pretty good about this situation.  I know that in his way, which is different than mine, JF loves Jakes and wants the best for him. I know that no harm will come to Jakes while in his fathers care.  And JF knows that only God will be able to help him, if something does happen to Jakes.

I am not planning to run out on Jakes.  I will have him for most weekends and on the weekends where I don't have him, I will see him on Fridays for dinner.  I have put wording in the proposal that I'm to be notified of Drs appointments, school meetings and other stuff.  I can chose if I can/want attend these functions.

JF had expected that we would just reverse the roles we are playing now.  Once I convinced him that I want more and that I was willing to fight for more in court, he made a final proposal that was acceptable to me.  I am hoping that Jakes will want to spend some summers with me.  I don't know that I want him to move back, but if things don't work out at his fathers, I will take him.

But overall, I am feeling hopeful about my future with my son.  It may not be the way I envisioned when he was born, but things change and you have to go with the flow........