Sunday Check In

Its been a long week for me.  I know I've been whining a lot on here about Jakes and my decision to send him to live with his father.  But this is my space to whine and writing about my thoughts helps me to organize my mind and work through my feelings. 

This week, Jakes behavior has been much better.  Don't get me wrong, there is still his disrespect and arguments over getting things done, but he's been less argumentative.  He also has been less angry with me. 

He told me he doesn't want to be sent away.  This of course lead to my explaining to him that I'm not sending him away but that I'm trying to give him an opportunity to be happier and have a better relationship with me and his father.  I don't think he bought it.  lol

His admission that he doesn't want to go also raised my motherly protection instincts to their highest levels.  I started questioning whether what I've decided is REALLY the right thing to do.  Jakes asked for my help, he wants me to find a way to help our relationship with him staying with me.  He wants me to "think outside the box".  He wants me to fix it like a mother is supposed to, but so that he gets his way.

I don't know what else to do to help us. I am convinced that his living with his father IS the solution, at least for now.  If things don't work out at his fathers, then we'll think outside the box for another solution.

This fighting instinct resulted in an emergency session with my therapist.  She is wonderful to have fit me in so quickly.  I am getting the same support for my decision across the board, from my therapist, my friends, and my family.

This has been the hardest decision I've ever had to make.  I have finally accepted that its the best decision for the resources I have at my disposal.  Jakes is going to have a wonderful opportunity to get to know his father, to know what its like to live in a family with a mother figure, a father figure and a sibling.  This is something I cannot give him at this point in our life.  He'll have a male role model (his father) and that's something every 12 year old boy should have, if the opportunity presents itself.

I will still be very active in Jakes life, I will get him every weekend.  I will still be involved in his school career and his medical conditions.

Now to get Jakes to understand all this. And to start packing him up.