Wednesday, September 28, 2011

The See Saw

Excerpts from:
The Rum Tum Tugger by T. S. Eliot

The Rum Tum Tugger is a terrible bore:
When you let him in, then he wants to be out;
He's always on the wrong side of every door,
And as soon as he's at home, then he'd like to get about.
He likes to lie in the bureau drawer,
But he makes such a fuss if he can't get out.

Tugger was a curious cat who never seemed to be satisfied with his lot in life, on the wrong side of every door.  This is how I'm feeling. 

I made the decision to send Jakes to live with his dad and I think a part of me didn't think it would really happen.  I mean, JF hasn't exactly been there to help with things previously.

JF hadn't gotten back to me about any of this or a time frame for changing custody.  I think he was waiting for me to change my mind.  I sent a message to him today asking when he wanted Jakes to move in with him.  Since he can't get a larger apartment until the end of October, we decided that Jakes will move in with him and start school on Halloween.

This is what I wanted.  This is what Jakes and I NEED in order to have a good relationship.  I need a break from dealing with his attitudes and disabilities alone all these years.

But like Tugger on the wrong side of the door, I'm having doubts that this is REALLY the thing I want to do.  Am I really ready to take a break from being a full time mom?  Am I really ready to give up the control of making the decisions on everything regarding Jakes?  Am I really ready to accept this?

Earlier this week, I contacted Youth Case Management to set us up for a needs assessement.  10 minutes before JF got back to me, the therapist called to set up an appointment.  If we qualify for their services (and I can't imagine that we wouldn't) this could give us another chance to make it work between us.  But, do I have it in me for another round?  Would it truly be what is best for Jakes?

I fought like MAD to make my marriage work, only to find out how much happier and healthier I can be on my own.  If I continue to try to find ways of making this work between Jakes and I, could I only be postponing the inevitable and making things worse between Jakes and I?
Yes, I am looking forward to peace in my home and not having to fight Jakes for EVERYTHING.  I am not looking forward to being even more alone in my own home.  I am looking forward to the break I will have, the less stress in my home, not having to run all over the place for Drs appointments, the therapy appointments, etc.

Yes, there is some doubt that what I am really and truly doing what is best for Jakes.  I think it is what's best for him and for myself at this point in our lives.  There is no way to know what the future holds and if this is the "right" thing to do.  I think its the right thing to do at this point in our life.  And it doesn't have to be permanent.

if you want to see Rum Tum Tugger in action, click here and check out that pelvis action!  oh baby!  swoon!


  1. Oh Amy, I hear the pain in your voice. This sounds like a case of "better the devil you already know than the devil you haven't met yet". It would seem you have given it an amazing go. People get worn out trying. It really could be a good time for a break, a rest, a re-prioritizing in your life. If you burn out completely, you will not be able to be there ever for Jake. A long journey is taken one step at a time....

  2. you know...unfortunately you will only know after it it out...things may change before that date gets here...maybe a break would be will still be a part of his life..

  3. I think one key factor here is that you are trying this before things progress to such a negative place that you lose all connection with your son.

    I think it will bring you both closer and help to heal your relationship. I think living with his dad will help heal Jake in ways most kids of divorce dont get to experience.

    I can only imagine how hard it must be to move out of the drivers seat, but raising kids is a long journey and you can't be the captain
    the entire time.

  4. Like you said, it doesn't have to be permanent. If it's set up so that it's temporary, it might be a positive thing.


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