Tuesday, September 27, 2011

I Have ADD - Tuesday Ramblings

This is going to a short and sweet entry.  I have not been able to concentrate on anything for long periods of time.  I even downloaded a Clive Cussler book from the library that is not keeping my attention.  Couldn't be because of all I have on my mind, could it?

Dad got good news, health wise.  He had a colonoscopy where they removed 8 polyps. None of which were cancerous!  Wonderful news!  ESM had a colonoscopy as well and only had one polyp.  She's still waiting for the pathology to come back.  I get to go for a colonoscopy in December.  sigh........

I went to my Mom's best friends home for a visit over the weekend.  When Mom was dying she said that Judy was to take over being Jakes grandmom.  And she has!  She has also taken over being Mom to me.  I got lots of comfort from Judy this past weekend.  She and I can share memories and stories of Mom and I like that.  I needed Mom this past week.

Jakes went to his other grandparents, Mam and Pop-pop's on Friday and his father picked him up from there on Saturday.  Fortunately, his father was willing to help me out by separating Jakes and I this weekend.  Even if he wasn't, I was going to call Mam and Pop-pop to take Jakes.

On Monday morning, I called the In-home therapy people to get set up for a needs assessment.  Hopefully, we'll qualify for Youth Case Management, which will open lots of doors for services and supports for us.

This doesn't mean that I have changed my mind about Jakes living with his father.  This is so that hopefully Jakes and I can get along until his father has moved and made the changes necessary to take him.  Also, if things don't work out at his fathers, we will have the needs assessment completed and can pick up from there.

It seems that Jakes and his father have their own agenda for this situation.  It seems that JF thinks that I'll settle down and change my mind.  AND he's said so to Jakes.  That's why Jakes doesn't think he's moving.  Guess its time to step up my nagging of JF, ask where he is on moving and such.  And share the info about the boarding school.

Right now, all I want is to get Jakes sent to his fathers and for me to run away to AZ, permanently.  Of course, there are many complications in that scenario as well.  sigh.

Above all else, I want to find happiness in my life.  I can't remember when I felt happiness.  When do I get my turn?  Why does it seem that my idea of happiness for myself has to be without Jakes?  Questions to ponder.


  1. The happiness question is because you are tired from all the stress of parenting a child with needs. All you want is to be at peace. If this situation with JF doesn't work, then you'll have this school. One thing to remember (since you've obviously had time to think and this isn't purely an in-the-moment choice), is that you want a good relationship with Jakes. You want to be content to be with him. That's not possible right now. I really think either being with his dad or being at this school could be a good thing for you both. Then you can have the positive mother-son relationship you both need.

    I hope it works out and I'm always here to listen.

  2. smiles. keep walking it...they dont need to believe your decision, that is not important. keep walking it...

  3. What Andrea said : )

    This sounds more like the JF i'd expect. I have also been wondering his gf's take on all of this. Is she a live-in? If so and she can't handle Jake she may say no way.

    Dont run away without meeeeee!

  4. PS...glad you have your moms bff. I guess I could our I could be more open to mom-like substitutes, but im not ready.

    My MIL and I have been friends since I was a teen, I have her and shes all I can allow in that space of my heart.

  5. I can understand your way of thinking completely. He's been your priority for years and you've hardly had the chance to enjoy your own life. That has to be super tough.


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