The See Saw

Excerpts from:

The Rum Tum Tugger by T. S. Eliot

The Rum Tum Tugger is a terrible bore:

When you let him in, then he wants to be out;

He's always on the wrong side of every door,

And as soon as he's at home, then he'd like to get about.

He likes to lie in the bureau drawer,

But he makes such a fuss if he can't get out.

Tugger was a curious cat who never seemed to be satisfied with his lot in life, on the wrong side of every door.  This is how I'm feeling. 

I made the decision to send Jakes to live with his dad and I think a part of me didn't think it would really happen.  I mean, JF hasn't exactly been there to help with things previously.

JF hadn't gotten back to me about any of this or a time frame for changing custody.  I think he was waiting for me to change my mind.  I sent a message to him today asking when he wanted Jakes to move in with him.  Since he can't get a larger apartment until the end of October, we decided that Jakes will move in with him and start school on Halloween.

This is what I wanted.  This is what Jakes and I NEED in order to have a good relationship.  I need a break from dealing with his attitudes and disabilities alone all these years.

But like Tugger on the wrong side of the door, I'm having doubts that this is REALLY the thing I want to do.  Am I really ready to take a break from being a full time mom?  Am I really ready to give up the control of making the decisions on everything regarding Jakes?  Am I really ready to accept this?

Earlier this week, I contacted Youth Case Management to set us up for a needs assessement.  10 minutes before JF got back to me, the therapist called to set up an appointment.  If we qualify for their services (and I can't imagine that we wouldn't) this could give us another chance to make it work between us.  But, do I have it in me for another round?  Would it truly be what is best for Jakes?

I fought like MAD to make my marriage work, only to find out how much happier and healthier I can be on my own.  If I continue to try to find ways of making this work between Jakes and I, could I only be postponing the inevitable and making things worse between Jakes and I?

Yes, I am looking forward to peace in my home and not having to fight Jakes for EVERYTHING.  I am not looking forward to being even more alone in my own home.  I am looking forward to the break I will have, the less stress in my home, not having to run all over the place for Drs appointments, the therapy appointments, etc.

Yes, there is some doubt that what I am really and truly doing what is best for Jakes.  I think it is what's best for him and for myself at this point in our lives.  There is no way to know what the future holds and if this is the "right" thing to do.  I think its the right thing to do at this point in our life.  And it doesn't have to be permanent.

if you want to see Rum Tum Tugger in action, click here and check out that pelvis action!  oh baby!  swoon!

I Have ADD - Tuesday Ramblings

This is going to a short and sweet entry.  I have not been able to concentrate on anything for long periods of time.  I even downloaded a Clive Cussler book from the library that is not keeping my attention.  Couldn't be because of all I have on my mind, could it?

Dad got good news, health wise.  He had a colonoscopy where they removed 8 polyps. None of which were cancerous!  Wonderful news!  ESM had a colonoscopy as well and only had one polyp.  She's still waiting for the pathology to come back.  I get to go for a colonoscopy in December.  sigh........

I went to my Mom's best friends home for a visit over the weekend.  When Mom was dying she said that Judy was to take over being Jakes grandmom.  And she has!  She has also taken over being Mom to me.  I got lots of comfort from Judy this past weekend.  She and I can share memories and stories of Mom and I like that.  I needed Mom this past week.

Jakes went to his other grandparents, Mam and Pop-pop's on Friday and his father picked him up from there on Saturday.  Fortunately, his father was willing to help me out by separating Jakes and I this weekend.  Even if he wasn't, I was going to call Mam and Pop-pop to take Jakes.

On Monday morning, I called the In-home therapy people to get set up for a needs assessment.  Hopefully, we'll qualify for Youth Case Management, which will open lots of doors for services and supports for us.

This doesn't mean that I have changed my mind about Jakes living with his father.  This is so that hopefully Jakes and I can get along until his father has moved and made the changes necessary to take him.  Also, if things don't work out at his fathers, we will have the needs assessment completed and can pick up from there.

It seems that Jakes and his father have their own agenda for this situation.  It seems that JF thinks that I'll settle down and change my mind.  AND he's said so to Jakes.  That's why Jakes doesn't think he's moving.  Guess its time to step up my nagging of JF, ask where he is on moving and such.  And share the info about the boarding school.

Right now, all I want is to get Jakes sent to his fathers and for me to run away to AZ, permanently.  Of course, there are many complications in that scenario as well.  sigh.

Above all else, I want to find happiness in my life.  I can't remember when I felt happiness.  When do I get my turn?  Why does it seem that my idea of happiness for myself has to be without Jakes?  Questions to ponder.

Sunday Check In

Just a quickie to say I'm doing ok.  After the turmoil of last week, I'm okay.  I am not regretting my decision to send Jakes to live with his father because I do think it whats best for Jakes.  I am regretting that I'll have to pay child support and the impact that's going to have on my way of life.  Selfish, I know.

Jakes is spending the weekend with his father, even though its my weekend.  Jakes and I needed to be separated.  I ran away to a friends house for yesterday.  It was nice to leave everything behind and relax.  Judy is Mom's best friend and she has become a mom to me.  I unloaded everything to her and she helped to reassure me that its probably for the best.

My Dad understands that I feel I need a break from Jakes and supports that I think this is for the best.  But he doesn't think that JF will take Jakes.  Yes, he's said that he would but JF has failed me and Jakes many times before.  So, Dad has a point.  I need to keep my feet on the ground and accept that there is the possibility that Jakes might not leave me.

I need to come up with an alternative plan.  I have dug out the paperwork from the in-home therapists and am prepared to call them back into the picture if necessary.  I have looked up a residential school where two of my cousins graduated.  They had great experiences there.  That's an option, possibly.

I have contacted my therapist to give her a heads up on the situation and that I might need to come back to her.  I don't think I need her right now but I will be paying attention to how I feel.  When I want to hide under my desk, then I know I need her and maybe to increase my meds.

So for now, I am fine. 

The Decision Has Been Made

I was actually very proud of myself because lately, there hasn't been much turmoil in my life to blog about.  Jakes and I had been doing pretty well, just the normal butting of heads, nothing much to worry about.  JF has been quiet and cooperative.

Since school has started, Jakes and I have been butting heads more often over his school work.  He doesn't think that I should monitor it.  He says that he can do it.  And when I talk to him about missing assignments or failing grades, he gets hostile, mean and this morning, violent.

Earlier this week, I was able to talk with him calmly to explain that I am legally responsible for monitoring his work.  But that if he is actually doing the work and getting passing grades, I wouldn't have to nag him about it.  It would be like I'm not monitoring him at all.  He said that he understood and that he could do it and make the passing grades.  I told him that's great, now show me.

I haven't checked his grades for a couple of days, he said he didn't have homework, other than reading.  I told him I wanted the reading done before we go away on Saturday and he said he'd get it done.

This morning, his reading folder was on the kitchen counter and I looked to see how many lines he has.  Only 2 out of 20.  I told him he needs to get reading or we weren't going away this weekend and I would cancel his riding lesson as well.  He got mad and started yelling at me.  I sent him to his room. 

While there, I checked the grades online and he's failing 2 classes because of not turning in homework. When he came out of his room, I mentioned that he has assignments to turn in and he flipped out.  Instead of walking away, I flipped right back at him.

Leaving out lots of details, we ended up in a power struggle, with him pushing me, me pushing him back and lots of screaming.  I told him I was calling the child welfare office to report this and get their assistance in transferring custody to his father.  I told him to get his school stuff and get out of my house.

I was wrong for not walking away, but I am SO sick and tired of the power struggle between us.  He thinks he is in charge and won't accept that he's not.  I've tried to explain it to him when we're both calm and of course I've screamed it at him.  I've done therapy with him, without him. I've done family stabilization programs, in home therapies.  I'm on medication, he's on medication.  And I don't know where else to turn for help.

Its time for his father to step up and be a father.  I do not feel safe in the home with my child anymore.  I should not have to be treated this way by my child.  My child should not be treated this way by me.  I have done everything I know how in order to make life better for my child and myself.  I think at this point, the only way to salvage my relationship with my child is to let him go.

Life with Jakes

Life with Jakes has improved recently.  There have been so many changes to things in the house that I cannot and will not attempt to pinpoint what has caused the improvements. There are improvements and I am not going to question WHAT exactly is helping the improvements, I'm just going to take them as they come.

As I've said before, Jakes and I were in crisis mode for a long time.  Fighting and arguing and no peace in the house.  After trying everything I knew, we were referred to Family Stabilization.  With the Family Stabilization program, we were afforded Case Management and In-home therapy.

After meeting with Albert and getting the therapy started, we were also given a Behavioral Analyst (BA) who is working closely with Jakes on certain issues.  This is in-home as well.  With Albert, Jakes has been doing the homework and Albert is very pleased with how Jakes is doing the homework.  Whenever the weather is cooperative, they walk up the street and talk.  Albert says that Jakes talks more when they are walking.  Albert is teaching Jakes how to not argue with people, taking ownership of his behaviors and getting along with his peers.

John is the BA.  He comes on Sunday evenings and helps with Jakes transition from his dad's into the coming week.  John is also working with Jakes to get back into chores around the house, ownership of his behaviors, and getting along with his peers.

In addition to working with Jakes, they are giving me lots of parenting tips and I am still seeing Val for myself.  My homework from her is to read the book "Scream Free Parenting."  I'm working on it and have gotten tips from that as well.  I have started depression medication and am feeling better with that. 

I never told JF (Jakes Father) about all the stuff going on, the family stabilization etc. but Jakes did. So JF sent me threatening text messages and emails over that weekend.  He didn't make any direct threats to harm me but it was clear that he was threatening me in order to control my responses.  He even suggested that Jakes live with him after school was out. hahahahahahahahahahaha

So I did just what he does when I need something from him.  I ignored his messages.  Well, first I said "go f*ck yourself" to the phone.  Not to HIM, just the phone.  Then I went about trying to enjoy my weekend. On Monday, I called the case manager and asked her to call him.

It took him over a week to get back to her and get the information from her.  She continued to get in contact with him but he never answered or returned her calls.  Nice huh?  Since he has talked with her, I haven't heard from him about this situation nor have I heard anything more from him about Jakes living with him.

Albert really wants to talk with him and make sure he is included in the family therapies.  How can Albert say that he is doing family therapy if he hasn't talked with all the family?  So we sent a text message to JF asking for a meeting.  No response from JF, of course.  And he seems to have stopped talking to Jakes about living with him.  Good.

We have until the middle of July with the in-home therapy, then we will transition to office based to continue the improvements. In the meantime, we have an appointment with the pediatric neurologist in a couple of weeks and they might be recommending a change in Jakes meds.  But that's one of the reasons why the therapists are sticking around into July; to make sure we can transition successfully through that.

Jakes has been very loving lately.  Wanting hugs and kisses from me.  And following directions, making dinner, doing his chores.  There is still some lying going on and he is not doing very well in school.  But school is out and we'll just start fresh in September there.

Along with all this and the therapies, life is getting better.