Friday, February 25, 2011

Expectations, Acceptance and Freedom

I had (still do actually!) a wonderful father. He was there for all the important and not to important things. He participated in my growing up and while I was always closer to Mom, I knew Dad loved me and he could be counted on.

I have complained many times about the waste of fatherhood my ex is. I kinda had a light bulb moment yesterday when he texted me about Son’s email to him. I, from time to time, have tried to hold A/H to my expectations of the kind of father he should be for Son. You know, when I offer A/H more time with Son, when I inform him of changes the Drs are recommending (ADHD medication), when its time for summer camp or how to pay for braces. 

I want that for Jakes. I have shown him that I will be there for everything, big or small. I have shown him that I will fight for everything he might need.

Apparently my expectations of what part A/H should play in Jakes life is very different from what he can give to Jakes. Every time I want more for Jakes and his relationship with his father, there is conflict, heartache, drama and more hate because his father doesn’t live up to my expectations.

All of this conflict is limiting my opportunities for growth and change. I need to accept that A/H is just that, an asshole that doesn’t want to be or just cannot be a father who meets my expectations.

Over the years, he has shown me that he will be an every other weekend babysitter plus dinners on Fridays. He has shown that he will pay the child support as long as it’s taken right from his check.

He has shown me that I will have to fight for any of the unreimbursed medical expenses associated with Jakes health and well being. He has shown me that he will not be a participant in learning and teaching Jakes how to cope with his Asperger’s Syndrome with ADHD Combined. He has shown me that he really doesn’t care about Jakes grades or school functions.

As I remind myself of his choice of the level of participation in raising this wonderful child of mine, I will learn to accept this and find a way to handle everything myself. If I don’t ask for more than he is willing or capable of giving, I won’t have the conflict, heartache, drama and more hate (aka CRAP).

Without all that CRAP, I will feel more at ease with my life as well. Learning to accept that will free me!


  1. we can hope that others wake up but we can not make them and we can waste a lot of our time and energy trying to make them...

  2. You have learned a very good life lesson: we can not make people change. They are who they are and ever will be. Acceptance of that will definitely make life less conflicted, but still frustrating. My hubby and I have a wonderful saying: "The whole world is crazy, except for you and me, and I am getting worried about you!"

    LOL Rosemary

  3. WoW! This guy never ceases to amaze me!

  4. You are so right. He is never going to change no matter what you want. So it's best to just try your best to let it go.


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