I Want to WANT to Sing

I've written before how much I love to sing.  I would sing in the car, in the house and finally I joined a choir and sang with them.

I have loved to sing with them.  They are a wonderful, support group of people who gather together to share their love of music with each other and the community.

I was looking forward to going back to singing in September.  But in September, Dad was getting worse and finally died.  For the first couple of weeks, I looked forward to going to sing.  We were getting ready for our holiday concert and I love Christmas music.

By the third week, I was dreading going out of the house for anything other than work or to see Daddy and Jakes.  Going to singing practice was a chore, a hassle and not something I wanted to do anymore.

After Dad died, I tried to go back to singing.  I've tried to get life back to "normal".  Or the new "normal".

But I still dreaded going to choir practice.  I still dreaded going out of the house other than for work and necessary things.  So I scheduled visits with my therapist and she only had time on the same nights as choir practice.

I miss singing but I still don't feel like singing.  Not in the car, the shower or with the choir.  I will put music on in the car with the intention of singing. I start singing and then stop. I just don't feel like singing.

I want to WANT to sing. But I don't right now.  This is a goal of mine.  I am working toward it.  Some days it feels like I am getting some where. Other days, it feels like I am 15,000 steps behind where I started.

I will sing again, eventually.  One step at a time.