Friday, January 18, 2013

I'm A Flip-Flop

Things between AZ and I haven't been all roses and honey.  I knew when he moved back here that he had problems with his health and depression.  But the biggest reason for him moving back here was so that he could get his butt in gear, take care of his problems and be nearer to friends and family for support.  When he was in AZ, he was ALL.BY.HIMSELF.  Its scary to be by yourself and sick at the same time.

He's been back here since March and hasn't done much of anything to move forward with certain things.  He's spent a lot of time on the couch, zoned out by the TV and anxiety medications.  That's left me alone for a lot of the time.  I don't want to sit in the living room listening to him snore. So I retreated to my room.

When he came back here, he gained custody of his 16 year old son.  Not something I bargained for when he moved back.  But, I would never expect him or any other man to tell me I had to choose between me or the kids.  Our Kids Come FIRST.  So, AZ came with JR.

JR came with issues of his own.  In trouble with the law (which he cleaned up), trouble with drugs (which he cleaned up) and just generally having to raise himself because his mother wasn't a "mom" and had her own legal and drug problems. Not to mention he's a TEENAGER!  That's difficult in and of its self.

With AZ being out of it, he didn't do much parenting of JR, which bugged me.  I would classify myself as a helicopter mom, very involved in every aspect of Jakes life.  I tried to have patience with AZ and JR as they found their "way" but there are still a lot of things that bug me about AZ's parenting style.

AZ hasn't seemed to make any effort to get a job.  He was working with a friend on construction projects but they haven't had any jobs since October.  We need a steady income.  I can't support all these people on my salary.

Over the months, I would make up my mind that things weren't fixable and that I would be leaving.  Then we would have a couple of good days or a good week and I would decide to try and make things work.  Then things would go back to where they were. 

I flip-flop on everything!  I want things to work between us but I can't make it work on my own.

By Christmas, I was ready to walk out on AZ and everything that we could possibly have together.  I felt justified in leaving because there is no partnership, no sharing of lives.  We've drift so far apart, he was so out of it most of the time, I didn't want to be around that and there just didn't seem to be anything that could be done to change things.

 I don't want to place all the blame on AZ.  A lot of it, yes.  But I have to take responsibility for my part in this failure as well.  I didn't TALK to AZ about my feelings.  I didn't tell him how his parenting style bugs me.  I didn't give him a chance to tell me why he was taking such a hands-off approach to JR.  I didn't tell him how frustrated and lonely I have been while he's been on the couch.

My therapist wants me to figure out WHY I haven't talked to him about things.  Why have I let things get so far gone.  That is something I can't answer yet.  I'm still pondering.  I'm not going to let it go, I need to figure out why I retreated so easily, especially after I fought so hard to save my marriage (which had already failed without my knowledge).

Things did come to a head between AZ and I.  BUT we are talking more, expressing our fears and frustrations.  He is stepping up to be more of a participant in the household and our relationship.  I am stepping up a little more to guide him in parenting.  We have to find a happy medium between my parenting and his.  JR doesn't need all the parenting that I've given to Jakes over the years.  But he needs more than he's gotten from his father up to this point.

I've been saying that AZ seems to have put his Big Girl Panties on and is stepping up to try and take control of his life again.  I'm very proud of him for this.  I know it would be much easier for him to sit in stupor and let me walk out than it is for him to step up and live.  I told him I will be there to help him along the path as much as he'll allow me to.

Only time will tell if we can make this work.  I know life sends screwballs at you all the time, we just have to be ready to catch them and hit a home run.  Together.  As a Family.


  1. i am glad that you are talking more...that is healthy and will lead to good things...either way it works out you know...

  2. You need to talk, a lot. I think separating the living quarters, as in you have your own place, and he has his own place would be a really good idea (I know that isn't possible right now). Try having a relationship that doesn't come with all the added pressure of bills, parenting, etc. at the same time.

    It might seem harsh, but its time for AZ to sink or swim. He's a grown man. Either he steps up and takes on his OWN responsibilities or he doesn't. They aren't your responsibilities.

    I know that might seem harsh, but if he can't accept responsibility for his life now, he never will. You deserve someone who can follow your example and take care of a child, a house, hold a job, and be an great friend.

    You deserve that, I think you have a right to demand it.

  3. I wonder if the fact that you fought so hard but ultimately lost is what is holding you back from engaging in "the fight" this time.

    Fear of asking for what you need to then have those needs openly denied is a pretty understandable fear. It's less painful to be mad at him for INADVERTENTLY hurting your feelings than to be mad at him for having all the facts and then making painful choices/actions/lack of actions.

    Of course you could ask and this time, this man, could give you what you are asking for, but his lack of initiative in doing so without having it spelled out for him would lead to very understandable reluctance on your part.

    I just know that your heart wants this man and this relationship so find the way to find you. You can do it. He's not Jake's dad. He's his own set of mistakes and issues, but he's not him, so even if he can't hack it and it ends up not being the relationship for you, he should get the chance to be judged without the ex husband filter.

    I hope he can be what you deserve.

  4. You are in a tough position. In the end, if you love each other, it will all work out.


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