I Love My Bed

I love my bed.  My bed sits up high, so high I need a stool to get into it.  I have lots of fluffy and soft pillows. In the winter there are blankets and comforters galore!  I snuggle up with my pillows and my pets and my eReader and all is right with the world.  Usually.

I sleep all spread out, from corner to corner.  Its been a long time since I've shared my bed with someone other than the 4 legged animals.  Even when I was married, he was on nights so I've had lots of time to hog the bed.

One thing I've never missed in my bed is another person to share it with.  I love being able to sleep corner to corner if I wanted.  BUT, the other night I found myself wishing there was someone to hold me, to remind me that everything would be ok, that I am strong enough to do this, that I was not alone in this.

Ultimately, I know that I am not alone.  I have wonderful family and friends and my posse'.  But at 2 am, its sometimes hard to remember the wonderfulness I have surrounding me.

But at 2 am, I have my bed.  My wonderful, high, full of pillows and comforters bed.

I love my bed.

Take Me Out to the Ball Game

Last night was the perfect night for a ball game.  Lovely temperature, little breeze, little rain shower, no bugs.  Lovely night! Sitting in the stands watching the game was so relaxing.

I was so glad to have gotten tickets to the local minor league ball team.  We were on the first base line, right in line with home plate.  I don't think there are any better seats in the stadium.

Our seats just before the start of the game

Mind you, I'm not a big baseball fan but it was a night out with my bestie, not an evening alone on the couch. The tickets were free, so all the evening cost us was gas to get there and a bridge toll.  Cheap for a night out!

The minor league teams do lots of stuff to include the community and the crowds in the ball game.  There were local school kids to sing the national anthem before the game.  And during the game, while the teams change places on the field, they bring selected people onto the field to play games!  Neicy and I were picked for one of the games.  

We had to fly a styrofoam plane and have it land safely.  The winner received a gift certificate for Frontier Airlines.  Here's the video:

It was so much fun!

At the bottom of the 9th inning, the home team was down by one run and they were up to bat. There was a runner on first and two outs. Next player comes up to bat, 2 strikes.  Then he swings and hits it out of the park!  HOMERUN and the home team WINS!  Perfect ending for a perfect evening!

Thanks for going with me Neicy!

So Many Benefits

This will be the last post I make on the benefits I've seen since moving, I promise! Next week, I'll start telling you all about the good things happening in my life.

Before I moved I post a list of things I was looking forward to when I moved.  Here are some examples:

One that I am loving is not being woke up in the middle of the night.  The other day I woke up and couldn't figure out what day of the week it was.  I had slept THAT good.

Green veggies in the house has made for some very yummy dinners.

Me and Jaxon have been singing while we make dinner most nights.  I love music!

There is a benefit to moving that I didn't anticipate happening.

Jakes is spending more time with me than he was!  I've been in the new place for three weekends and he's been with me for all three weekends.  He actually spent a WHOLE weekend with me, which he hasn't done in a very long time.

This week, he's off school and is with me for those days off too!  He's spending FIVE consecutive days with me, even though I have to work!  When he asked me to come and get him, I wanted to cry tears of joy.

I am SO happy that he loves being at the new place and it shows that he does love me, even when we fight.

If there were no other reasons for moving, this one is the BEST.  Having my son with me as much as he wants is paramount to me and my mental health.

This Kid Will Be King

Homecoming King, that is.


This kid:

MY Kid

and his GirlFriend have been nominated for Homecoming King and Queen for the freshman class at his school!  They are so excited and I am too.  I am also SO proud of him.

I made sure he has a nice outfit planned and will also make sure he has the right dance moves ready to unleash.

Jakes started High School with no IEP, Special Education supports, just a normal High School Freshman.  He seems to have a good group of friends, I haven't met any yet, but they seem to treat him well.  I've spied (Shhhh! Don't tell him!) on his Facebook page and some private messages on there and he seems to be doing well.

I am SO proud of my son for working hard to overcome his Aspergers and to fit into "normal" society.

I also can't wait to hear if they win King and Queen!  Come one Saturday!!!!

Therapy Tuesday

Here I am flip flopping again.  I'm so confused.  And worried that I'm getting played.

After not talking to each other for most of last week and me deciding that I was leaving, AZ and I have been talking again.  Not just about us and the reasons we are struggling (yes, there have been those conversations) but about life in general. And enjoying each other again.  I spent a wonderful weekend with him and our families.

He was awake and participating in things at the house (he helped me move furniture so I could mop and dust).  He chatted with my family when they were over for my birthday dinner.  We played with the dog together.  We communicated, we hugged and kissed and we slow danced to 'our song' while making dinner together. Until the kids called.  Damn kids!  Lol

After everyone left, he invited me to come out of my bedroom and watch zombies get their heads blown off with him and JR.  I declined due to the grossness and I was in the middle of a good part on the library book that expired on Monday.

After the Zombies were dead, he came to bed and held me most of the night.  There was a level of intimacy to us that hasn't been there in SO long.

Sunday was more of the same.  After spending the morning snuggling, I went to lunch with my sister and cousin.  Then AZ, JR and I went grocery shopping.  More PDA and silliness throughout the store.  Shopping was actually fun!

He has not asked me to stay.  He has not told me to go.  He did say things would work better for him if I could stay through May at least.  He hasn't said that he would miss me.  He has said that the dog was going to miss him and the yard.  He doesn't want visitation of Jaxon.

He said he doesn't think he's ready to deal with the things that are keeping him down.  He admitted that he is over medicating himself to avoid feeling.....anything.  He doesn't feel like a man.

When I left for work Monday morning, I kissed him and thanked him for the wonderful weekend.  We spent most of Monday texting back and forth over things. 

We have plans to spend some time together alone and I have plans of talking to him more about things then.

Until then, I'm SO CONFUSED!

Here We Go A-Wallowing

Do you know the song about wassailing at Christmas time? Imagine that tune In your head when you read the title of this post. It fits.

A while back I posted about being a flip flop in my relationship with AZ. When I posted, things seemed to be improving. Then AZ went to the drs for a refill. Back to the couch and the stupor.

When I talked to him about it, he got angry with me and blamed other things in his life. I'm not accepting the excuses because he's had a long time to start the process for taking care of these things and he hasn't. Always an excuse and then back to the couch.

During this discussion he told me to feel free to pack and leave. No problem. I'm done anyway. While I love this house, neither of us can afford to keep it without the other, although he seems to think he will do it. Have to see what the landlord thinks of THAT idea and also if I can leave before the end of the lease.

There has been so much in this relationship that didn't make me happy. AZ didn't like to go out, not that we have a lot of money for it but when I'd get an invite to a friends house (mind you this friend went to high school with us) he wouldn't go.

He wasn't involved in the relationship; wouldn't even ask about my day; would sleep most nights on the couch (which should tell you about the level of intimacy in our lives). He considered the fact that he would put dishes away, pull something out for ME to cook for dinner and do laundry once a week to be something fabulous. I'm the one who cleaned the bathroom, swept the floors, dusted and did poop-patrol in the yard. And that's after working all week. If he was working, I don't think it would bother me as much.

I'm done with AZ.

I can't think of anything I've done wrong or should have done differently. (maybe called a halt to the relationship sooner) I think I have been very supportive and encouraging. Maybe too much.

For a couple of days, (until Monday), I am going to wallow in the failure of this relationship. Everything that ends deserves a period of grieving.

On Monday (unless the landlord won't allow it) I will start the search to find a place to move to, probably a one bedroom to save on money for now. I'll have to see what's out there.

I haven't thought about how life is going to be if I have to stay there until June. Fortunately, my parents have a second bedroom and have offered it to me for as much as I want and they accept doggies!

I'm not worried about being single. Been there, done that and am looking forward to the adventure! Want to come along?

Monday, Monday

Its a rainy Monday and I'm a happy camper!  The rain will wash away the snow and ice and the temperatures will be warmer than they were over the weekend.  I really do not like this kind of a winter!

After Venting about my start with Jakes, things got better between us.  I had yelled at him and threatened to take him back to his fathers if he didn't change how he was treating the people at the Compound.  When I got out of the shower, he was a different kid.  He apologized to me and he worked really hard to change his attitude toward me.  On Sunday, when it was time for him to get ready to leave, he said he didn't want to go back to his Dad's.  He said it was because he didn't want to go to school on Tuesday but I think there is more going on over there then he's telling me.  The complete story will come out eventually, in dribs and drabs.

I am looking forward to singing tomorrow; I really missed singing last semester.  We have some really NEAT songs to learn; the spring concert is going to be such FUN!  doom-a-loom-a, doom-a-loom-a, doom-a-loom-a, doom-a-loom-a, doom-a-loom-a.

Jakes is turning 13 on Friday.  Everyone gets to choose where we go to dinner for their birthday, even if they want to eat at home.  Jakes let me know where he wants to go and who to invite.  Last night when he got home, he asked if he could invite a GIRL to dinner with us!  Um.... sure.... my baby is growing up!  A GIRL!  sigh..... I don't think I'm ready for this......


**I know the girl and her grandmother lives at The Compound**

The Blogging Mama Andrea put me onto a new book, Every Day a Friday, by Joel Osteen.  I read the first chapter and it really hit home for me.  I can't wait for it to be available at my local library (there's a waiting list) so I can finish reading it!  I don't know how I'm going to feel about the religious part of the book but I'm sure there are loads of ways I can apply what he's saying to my life, with or without the religious aspect.  Maybe I can even get Neicy to read it........

Dad and Renie bought a camper, henceforth named The Thing!  Its SO Nice too.  They are planning lots of weekend trips for all of us.  Should be interesting and fun!

Time to get this Monday, Monday rolling.  Have a good one!

Results of The Meeting

I went to the first Child Study Team meeting at Jakes new school.  It went well, even though I was a little apprehensive for going to the first meeting with JF.  BUT he didn't SHOW!  Father of the Year Award for him!

After the introductions were made, we got down to business.  There were good things said about Jakes and some not so good things, of course. But overall, they are pleased with his behaviors, academically and socially.

I was able to share with them the school setting Jakes was coming from and how pleased I am that he transitioned so well into the bigger school. You could see the astonishment on their faces when I told them there were about 11 kids in the class, a teacher and a one on one aid for Jakes.  I know they were thinking how heavenly that would be!  lol

They are pleased with his work and his attitude (usually). He is still having some (the same) behavioral issues in the classroom but they are working with him. As they learn Jakes and what may set him off, they are able to head things off.

His Language Arts teacher shared that Jakes usually speaks in a monotone voice and doesn't have much expression either. When they were reading the Christmas Carol out loud in class, Jakes really got into the story and did different voices for the different parts that he was reading. Mrs LA said she was so pleased she wanted to jump up and down, clapping her hands. I of course, teared up hearing this too. WAY TO GO JAKES!

My concerns about the calculator were unfounded. The Math teacher said Jakes doesn't use (or need) his calculator even when they are allowed to in class! Again, WAY TO GO JAKES!

They are concerned about his writing. Not his ability, he can construct/deconstruct the sentences and stories as necessary. When he is asked to write about a topic he is very short and to the point. They are going to work on devising writing prompts for him that will help him to become more descriptive in his writing.

Apparently, he failed a math test not because of the calculations but because of having to show his work.  There were two parts to the test, one where they filled in the bubbles and the other where they had to figure everything and explain where the answer came from.  He passed the bubble-filling part, but did so poorly on the "essay" part, that he failed the assessment overall.  Boo.

His social skills teacher shared that overall Jakes is doing very well in her group.  While he is not always able to make adjustments in the group, he is able to articulate to her after the group other ways he could have handled the situations.  We are hoping that with reinforcement and practice, Jakes will eventually be able to apply those skills in the real world.  Its hard for a teenager to apply the skills, let alone a teen with Aspergers.  But there is hope!  He knows what to do, just has to stop and think about doing it.

We will meet in a month to see the progress and to discuss changing from the IEP to a 504 Plan. While I am scared to loose the IEP and the safety it provides us, I can look at going to a 504 as progress. A 504 plan can be an attestation to the fact that Jakes is improving and is becoming more independent.

Looking for Paradise

I have lived in almost the same place all my life.  Its a small town, with limited opportunities for work, social life and recreation.  I am fortunate that the autism center is here.  Son goes to the same elementary school I graduated from and even has some of the same teachers I did.  In a way, I love that.  In another way, it reminds me how little I've moved in my life.

I have always lived within a 5 mile radius of my parents, right now I live in the same apartment building as them.  After my divorce, I sold the house and moved closer to my parents.  At that time, I needed the closeness and comfort of my parents to heal and find myself again.  With all that's been going on with Jakes, I've been relying on them for support, comfort and babysitting.  I am very grateful for my family.  They have been my salvation through the trials of the past few years.

I have been asking myself lately if I am truly happy with how my life has played out, with the choices I made.  Are my troubles with Jakes in part because I haven't truly moved on with my life?

I was hurt terribly by my ex's betrayal and the end of my marriage.  I have been so scared to move on romantically with anyone.  Oh, there have been a couple of guys that I was seeing but it was only for fun, definitely not anyone I'd dream of spending my life with.

With Jakes diabilities (AS and ADHD), I kinda figured what man would want to be in the middle of this turmoil.  It just didn't feel right to think about bringing someone into all of it.  I didn't feel like I had the time to devote to someone other than Jakes and all the therapies he needs.  Plus, now that Jakes has had me to himself for all these years, he's not going to easily accept someone in my life.

When Dad was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure, I decided that I wasn't going to even consider moving or changing my life while he was still here.  He and Jakes have a special bond and I didn't want to hurt Dad by taking Jakes away from him.  But now, Dad is stabilized on his medications and doing pretty well.  My grandmother lived with CHF for over 15 years before she passed from another ailment.  With proper medical care, Dad could live at least as long.

I have a lot of resentment inside of me, resentment toward Jakes, resentment toward my ex for being able to walk away and move on, resentment toward my parents for their happiness, toward my step-brothers and step sister.  For a long time, I have done for everyone else, to make everyone else happy. 

I am the only child who is close to the parents.  My brother doesn't have anything to do with Dad and Renie, no one knows why.  My step-sister lives in another state, but close enough that she could still keep in touch, and my other step-brothers live in other states and keep in contact as best they can.  I am still living close to the parents, still there for them when they are sick or just feeling old, still there with a grandchild that they can be close with.

My siblings are off living their own lives and I am stuck where I am.  Is this the life I really want to live?  Is this the life that is really going to make me the happiest?

My trip to AZ opened my eyes to a lot of things.  I am questioning a lot of my choices.  I am questioning if I am meant to stay here in my little hometown or if there is a different paradise out there somewhere.  Then I question if I am brave enough to seek it out.