I Love My Bed

I love my bed.  My bed sits up high, so high I need a stool to get into it.  I have lots of fluffy and soft pillows. In the winter there are blankets and comforters galore!  I snuggle up with my pillows and my pets and my eReader and all is right with the world.  Usually.

I sleep all spread out, from corner to corner.  Its been a long time since I've shared my bed with someone other than the 4 legged animals.  Even when I was married, he was on nights so I've had lots of time to hog the bed.

One thing I've never missed in my bed is another person to share it with.  I love being able to sleep corner to corner if I wanted.  BUT, the other night I found myself wishing there was someone to hold me, to remind me that everything would be ok, that I am strong enough to do this, that I was not alone in this.

Ultimately, I know that I am not alone.  I have wonderful family and friends and my posse'.  But at 2 am, its sometimes hard to remember the wonderfulness I have surrounding me.

But at 2 am, I have my bed.  My wonderful, high, full of pillows and comforters bed.

I love my bed.

So Spoiled

I've written before of how spoiled I am, like at Christmas when I got a KitchenAid Mixer and lots of accessories.  Like when I bought myself the new iPad.  I am spoiled by my parents and by myself. And I love it!

This time I am spoiled by my parents again.  At the beginning of July they called to say they were stopping by.  Now, they don't do that often so I suspected something was up.  Of course, I imagined they were coming to give me bad news.  Am I ever glad I was WRONG!  They brought this:

A BRAND NEW grill for my deck!!
Love it!  And I've used it almost every night since!

Then last week ESM calls to say she has something for me but she needs to get Dad's truck and Jakes muscles.

A Table with 4 chairs and cushions!
A good cleaning is all they needed.

I had an umbrella to use with the table but when I went to put it up, I found THIS:

so sad....

But when I bought it, I bought TWO!  They were half price and the other one had not been used!  WOOT! I just needed to get it out of the parents storage shed.

Impromptu dinner party with the parents and Jakes

I have spent a lot of last week on the deck in the chairs under the umbrella reading a book, snapping beans and stringing basil to dry.  I've also eaten most of my meals out there.  I love my outdoor space!  I am officially moved IN!

The Love of Horses - WW

Jakes gettin' some love from Buttons

Crazy for Balls

Jaxon loves to play with a tennis ball. Sometimes more than one.  Just about everyday, I take him out and throw the ball for him to chase and bring back. Rinse, Lather, Repeat.  The little pup will run after that ball for HOURS!. 

Then we come into the house and he brings me the ball to throw in the house. Not as much fun as being outside but he still enjoys it.  When he's ready to quit, he will climb up on my lap with the ball. He usually holds the ball until he falls asleep.

This weekend, he stayed with the Gparents and had a BALL, literally.  They went shopping and brought home a bag of balls to keep in stock for both doggies.  The Gparents hid the bag away because there already were three or four balls out for the boys.

While they finished putting away everything else, Jaxon helped himself to the bag of balls.  He carried it out of the hiding place and proceeded to play.

How do you OPEN this?

When the GParents came into the living room and saw what he was doing, they being good GParents, encouraged him.  lol  He had so much fun trying to get into the bag and then finally getting IN the bag.

He rolled with them.

He shook them.

He just had a ...  well a BALL with them.  I when I got there to take him home, he started packing his bag.  He made sure at least ONE of those balls were going home with him.

Jaxon packed his bag

When we got home, I unpacked both of us and we snuggled on the couch.  After he brought the ball.  Love my little BallNut.

A Comfort

When AZ and I talked recently about our lives together, I had only two questions for him.  He answered both of them for me. BUT, I don't know if I liked the answers he gave.  His answer to my first question is something that has to be shown over time so I'm still waiting.

My second question to him was why he didn't want me to leave.  Why does he want me around?  He doesn't seem to show that he wants me there, but then its hard to show that when you're face-planted on the couch all the time.

He said that having me here is a comfort to him. hmmmm....  do I WANT to be a comfort to someone?  Sure. 

But I also want to be MORE that just a comfort.  I want to be someone's passion, someone's happiness, someone's life.  I want someone who will share life with me, go places with me, ask me to go places with him, touch, hug, tickle and more, be strong for me when I need and let me be strong for him.

Its not wrong for me to want more out of my partner and life.  And I've proven that I can find ways of getting more out of my life.  I have hit bottom and pulled myself back into the land of the living.  Part of me feels as though I'm being pulled back into that pit by my relationship with AZ.

I guess a question I have to figure out is how long am I willing to wait for "more" from AZ.  But who knows if he even is capable of giving more.  He's been hurt badly in the recent past and can't seem to get past it.  Doesn't even seem to want to move on.  He's moved around physically but he's still on that couch and depressed. 

When we talked, he expressed an interest in talking to a professional about the things from AZ.  I suggested my therapist but also understand if he doesn't want to talk to her.  I did talk to my therapist and got a recommendation of a place that takes his insurance and I gave him the information to make an appointment.  But that was over a week ago and he hasn't called.

I haven't shared this with AZ because I am still pondering these things.

Then I think I should just settle for what I have and make the best of it.  I mean I spent 5 years alone after the divorce.  I didn't date but I was also busy dealing with Jakes and his Aspergers.  NOW, I'm not married, Jakes is living with his father and doing wonderfully.  What do I know about dating and everything that goes with it? Maybe staying would be easier.

For now, I will try to make the best of the living situation but at the same time, set myself up financially to be able to move out should I decide or if things go back to crap.

Holiday Concert

I have the best Daddy around!

He videoed this with his phone.

Its just a snipit of the concert.

Enjoy!

Unfortunately, you can't see me because I'm behind the mic.

But I am there!  It was a wonderful concert both nights.

I am going to miss gathering and singing with this wonderful group of people while we are on break.  But we will get back together at the end of January!

The Funeral - A Short Story

Jesse walked up the steps to the funeral home with her husband Kyle, brother, and father. They were there to view her mother laid out in the casket. Jesse was also three days from her due date of giving birth to her first child.

In addition, over the past couple of days, she has felt some cramping and contractions. However, she didn’t say anything to her father. He had enough to deal with on this day.

After the family approved the arrangements, the doors were opened for family and friends to pay their respects. Jesse wandered around, greeting old friends and being hugged to death by family. Of course, everyone wanted to feel her pregnant belly.

Wherever Jesse went, the funeral directors wife was not far behind. Jesse was amused by this. She figured that they might view giving birth in a place of death would not be very lucky for either party.

For most of the evening, Kyle had parked himself in a chair and didn’t seem very concerned about his wife. At one point, Jesse turned around and almost stepped on Kyle, he’d snuck up behind her. Jesse moved away from him to greet other friends and Kyle followed. She couldn’t figure out why all the sudden he was her shadow.

When Jesse looked around, she saw her brother talking with Jon. Jesse froze. Her heart quickened and she was very nervous. Jon made sure to stay away from Jesse but his eyes didn’t leave her while he was talking to her brother.

Jesse didn’t see anyone there with Jon. He came alone. Jesse knew he’d gotten married and had a little boy. She also knew things weren’t good between he and his wife. But with Kyle hovering around her, there was no way Jesse would be able to get a private word in with Jon.

Just knowing he cared enough about her mother to stop by made Jesse happy.

The Wedding - A Short Story

The many months of preparations were about to pay off. All the phone calls and meetings with the planners, photographers, and florists were coming together to make a beautiful wedding for Jesse and Kyle.

Jesse was standing in her dining room watching her mother pin a corsage on her fathers’ lapel. The photographer snapped the picture for posterity and the wedding album. Her mother beamed at her father, the love shining on their faces. Exactly what Jesse was hoping for in her marriage today. Once all the pictures were taken, Cassie helped Jesse in the van that would take them to the church.

At the church, with Cassie’s help again, Jesse exited the van and stood on the sidewalk, shaking out her dress. Cassie draped the train over Jesse’s arm and handed her the flowers to carry.

Jesse took a minute to look around the neighborhood. She was standing outside the small church where she was baptized. On the other side of the street stood the house where Jon had grown up and his parents still lived. Jesse stared at the house, almost wishing that Jon was there, watching her, waiting to see her and hoping he would come and proclaim his love for her.

The house looked empty. Jesse took a deep breath and went up the steps to the church. She walked toward her future, her lifetime of happiness.  But at the same time walking away from a past love, one that might have been the greatest love of her life.

Once inside and on Uncle Don’s arm walking down the aisle, Jesse forgot about Jon. She walked with her head up and smiling toward Kyle, her soon to be husband.

It was a lovely uninterrupted ceremony, meant to join two people together for life.

Memory

I recently lost two lovely people in my life; my Aunt Do and Uncle Don. I don’t know why we called her Aunt Do, her name was Gloria. I think one of my cousins couldn’t say her name and that’s where the nickname Do-Do came from.

There are so many memories of growing up around them, surrounded by their love.

**************

Jesse’s earliest memory of Aunt Do and Uncle Don was spending time at their house visiting. Jesse would play in the closet in Walt’s room. It was a big closet, with stickers all over the door. Jesse and her cousins would pretend many different things, it was a spaceship, it was a time machine; whatever their imagination could conjure. They always had the greatest adventures at Aunt Do and Uncle Dons’.

**************

Jesse clamored over the tailgate into the back of the station wagon with her two cousins and brother. She watched as her aunts and mother all piled into the seats of the car. This was their monthly shopping trip and lunch out. Jesse loved this trip. They would stop at the butchers’ shop, where all the kids would get a hunk of cheese. Then it would be onto the grocery store with the sawdust on the floor. Jesse would drag her feet through it, annoying her mother. After the grocery store, they would stop at Pizza Hut for lunch. Jesse loved being able to eat her own whole pizza.

The ride home would be more cramped with groceries and meats for all four aunts and Jesse’s mom. But the cousins would all swish together and yell when the load would shift around the turns. Aunt Do would stop and drop everyone off, the kids helping carry in the bags at each stop.

***********

After greeting Aunt Do upstairs, she ran to the basement door and down the steps. In the basement there was a finished off area with a pool and ping pong table where the kids liked to play. In the back of the basement was Uncle Don’s work area. He was a hunter and fisherman in his spare time. Hanging in the area were hundreds of muskrats turned inside out and their skins stretched out for drying. It was gross. Uncle Don was working on skinning his latest catch and there was blood and guts everywhere.

Jesse ran in gave Uncle Don a quick kiss and ran away before he could tease her with the innards.

***********

Jesse pulled into the driveway of Aunt Do and Uncle Don’s house. Uncle Don was in the garden. Jesse wandered over to say hello before going into the house to visit with Aunt Do. Of course, Uncle Don had to show off his fabulous garden. He loved being out there with his plants, making them grow and flourish. After a big hug and kiss hello, the tour started. Jesse checked out all the plants, big and little. She would have helped to pull weeds but there were none. That’s how meticulous Uncle Don was about his garden.

************

Jesse woke up to the smell of pumpkin pie and went into the kitchen to investigate. Her mom had been up for hours, baking pies and was starting on the breads. In a few hours, the family would pack up and drive over the creek to Aunt Do and Uncle Don’s house for Thanksgiving Dinner. Aunt Do and Uncle Don’s kids would be there, along with their families. Aunt Auds and her boys would be there, it would be one crowded place to be. However, it was tradition and it was the only place Jesse wanted to be for Thanksgiving.

When Jesse got there, Uncle Don was in the kitchen carving the turkey; Aunt Do was working on the mashed potatoes. There were big hugs and kisses all around. Jesse headed into the living room where the table was setup with all the leaves and room for 16 people. But there was still a kids table in the dining room.

What a feast was on the table! Every kind of holiday food you’d imagine was there. Then there were the pies in the dining room. On the TV was football, a thanksgiving tradition. It was a great day with all the family together and happy.

***********

Jesse and Uncle Don were sitting next to each other while the family sang happy birthday to them. When the song was over, they hurried to see who could blow out the most candles, which of course ended up with the two laughing at each other. Jesse always teased Uncle Don about being born on her birthday. This went on for many shared birthdays.

************

Jesse ran to the door. It was Christmas morning, they’d already opened all their presents from Santa, and now it was time for breakfast with Aunt Do and Uncle Don. Jesse’s mom made cinnamon rolls, there were cookies, and it was the one time of year that the coffee percolator was used. Jesse loved the smell of coffee brewing; it was a sign of Christmas.

Breakfast was served, the adults sat around munching on Christmas cookies while the kids played with their new toys.

************

In times of tragedy, Aunt Do and Uncle Don were there for Jesse’s family and the same when there was tragedy in Aunt Do and Uncle Don’s life. When their daughter was killed, Jesse’s father went to the hospital to identify her. When Jesse’s mom had a car accident, Aunt Do was at the house to help. When Jesse’s mom was dying, Aunt Do was there to help care for her.

***********

Jesse was 7 months pregnant, her mother was on hospice, and it was hard for Jesse to deal with. After one particularly trying visit with her mother, Jesse couldn’t face going home. Instead she drove down the road to Aunt Do’s house. Once inside, Aunt Do wrapped her arms around Jesse and let her cry it all out. No judgment, just love.

***********

Jakes ran into the house ahead of his mom, Jesse. He ran and climbed onto Uncle Don’s lap for hugs and kisses. Jakes called him Uncle Goofy. They hugged and kissed, tickled and giggled. Then it was Jesse’s time for hugs and kisses from Uncle Don. Then Uncle Don took Jakes on a tour of the garden, another generation sharing in the love of gardening. Jesse would stop over on most Saturday mornings after Jakes was born.

So many memories, so much love shared. We’ve said good bye to two wonderful people, who loved each other and their families. They are back together in heaven, Aunt Do being a nurturing caregiver, Uncle Don being a little silly and teasing. I’ll miss them both.

 
 
I wrote this from a prompt at Theme Thursday.

Unconditional Love

I started thinking about unconditional love because a friend on facebook frequently posts about how much she loves her daughter. She is so eloquent in her posts that I can see the love flowing from her heart toward her daughter, even through the computer screen. She describes her love for her daughter as "love you to the moon and back".  So sweet!

Every parent has unconditional love for their child. Even me for Jakes, even when he's driving me crazy! And we all express it differently.  My friend can say it and I've seen her kiss and hug all over her.  She has no problem with showing her unconditional love.  Me on the other hand, I tell Jakes I love him and ask for hugs and kisses from him.  But I don't usually proclaim my love to all my friends and family on facebook.

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with how either of us share our love for our children.  Its just a matter of how comfortable we are with the various ways of sharing.  I love reading her posts of love for her daughter.  It makes me smile and warms my heart.  It also reminds me that I really do love my child.  Even when he's being a big pain in the butt.

Thanks, Kris.  You're amazing in so many ways!

Life Can Be Ugly But There Are Lessons To Be Learned

I have been struggling a lot with ugliness in my life lately. I have talked a lot about Jakes and my struggles with parenting him. Any kid in puberty can be challenging, but add in Aspergers and ADHD into the mix and the struggles can increase. Which they have between Jakes and myself.

My personal life (yes, I consider it different from my parenting life) had taken a turn for the better. I connected with a friend and spent the past several months getting to know him again. Letting myself care for him again, even knowing the complications that could come from caring. I had high hopes for happiness for myself with him.

Over the past weekend, things changed completely. A miracle happened for him, a literal miracle. And you can’t and shouldn’t fight a miracle. And I won’t fight it no matter the heart break for me. He deserves it and has been waiting for this for many months.

A friend on facebook posted this quote from a young lady who endured illness her entire, short life but never lost faith that her life would be good.

“Life is not always fair....It’s full of lessons. Life can get ugly, but even when it’s ugly, there’s good in it.” ~Megan Daddario

While I have spent the past week being miserable about how things in my life have been going, being disappointed and heartbroken, and being ready to just runaway and start over, this young lady never gave up. She endured pain and suffering but never let it get her down. She was always looking for ways to make things better for herself, her family, and the community. No matter how sick she was, she continued her schooling to become a nurse; she worked with local EMS services to help people who needed her.

I need to start thinking as she did and look for the lessons in the ugly of my life.

I have been very fortunate to get tons of services to help with parenting Jakes. In-home therapy services, counseling for myself, medication for me, support groups, and lots of support from everyone. The in-home services are about to end and I will have to work with the therapists to decide where to go from here. Its obvious that we will need further services to continue bringing peace into my home.

I am dedicated to bringing that peace into my home. I am dedicated to making sure that my son gets all the help he needs to be all he can be in life. I am dedicated to giving my son the best in life as possible.

So the lesson for this ugly in my life is that I am and will continue to be the best mom possible for Jakes. There is a reason Jakes was given to me to raise, because with my stubbornness, God knew I’d make sure Jakes gets what he needs.

I am still struggling with the ugly of my personal life a little, its still raw. By caring and sharing with him, I realized what I am missing by being alone for so long. I don’t have someone special to share life’s moments with, to snuggle up and watch TV with, to share my bed. And by coming to care for him, I realized that I really am missing that. And I want that. Very much.

My lesson from my heartbreak is a reminder that I am a lovable person; that I am ready to move on and find someone special to love. My heartbreak gives me hope that I am growing, that I am deserving of love, and that I will find someone to share my love and my life.

Anyone know a single guy age 35-45 who might be interested in a loving, wonderful woman to share life with?

Read A Thon Hour Sometime Past the Halfway Mark

I have been reading since about 9 am. Its now 11:50 with still 5 more hours of the Read A Thon to go. But with my sinus headache and the fact that the words are blurring on the page, I am going to take a nap! The alarm is set for 12:30 and hopefully, I will be able to open my eyes and read another book! It might be Dr. Suess but that counts!

I just finished reading The Sound of Sleighbells by Cindy Woodsmall and Loved IT! I didn't want to put it down, even when I drifted off to sleep while reading it. Luckily, Son woke me up to remind me that I needed to snore quieter and wasn't I supposed to be spending the day reading? HA!

I love reading about the Amish and I admire their ability to live their WAY. I know that I could not live without my laptop!

This book is about a woman who looses love and with the help of her family, finds her way back. Which is not unlike my life a while back. I was newly divorced and severely mentally beaten by my ex. I sold my house and moved into the apartment below my parents. With their love as well as others in the complex, I have been learning to love myself. With love of self, comes love of life and eventually (I hope!) the ability to share that love with a partner.

Thank you to all the cheerleaders who have stopped by the Nest! I love seeing the messages left to encourage me onward!