Friday, March 22, 2013

A Comfort

When AZ and I talked recently about our lives together, I had only two questions for him.  He answered both of them for me. BUT, I don't know if I liked the answers he gave.  His answer to my first question is something that has to be shown over time so I'm still waiting.

My second question to him was why he didn't want me to leave.  Why does he want me around?  He doesn't seem to show that he wants me there, but then its hard to show that when you're face-planted on the couch all the time.

He said that having me here is a comfort to him. hmmmm....  do I WANT to be a comfort to someone?  Sure. 

But I also want to be MORE that just a comfort.  I want to be someone's passion, someone's happiness, someone's life.  I want someone who will share life with me, go places with me, ask me to go places with him, touch, hug, tickle and more, be strong for me when I need and let me be strong for him.

Its not wrong for me to want more out of my partner and life.  And I've proven that I can find ways of getting more out of my life.  I have hit bottom and pulled myself back into the land of the living.  Part of me feels as though I'm being pulled back into that pit by my relationship with AZ.

I guess a question I have to figure out is how long am I willing to wait for "more" from AZ.  But who knows if he even is capable of giving more.  He's been hurt badly in the recent past and can't seem to get past it.  Doesn't even seem to want to move on.  He's moved around physically but he's still on that couch and depressed. 

When we talked, he expressed an interest in talking to a professional about the things from AZ.  I suggested my therapist but also understand if he doesn't want to talk to her.  I did talk to my therapist and got a recommendation of a place that takes his insurance and I gave him the information to make an appointment.  But that was over a week ago and he hasn't called.

I haven't shared this with AZ because I am still pondering these things.

Then I think I should just settle for what I have and make the best of it.  I mean I spent 5 years alone after the divorce.  I didn't date but I was also busy dealing with Jakes and his Aspergers.  NOW, I'm not married, Jakes is living with his father and doing wonderfully.  What do I know about dating and everything that goes with it? Maybe staying would be easier.

For now, I will try to make the best of the living situation but at the same time, set myself up financially to be able to move out should I decide or if things go back to crap.

6 comments:

  1. it is a question only you can answer...how long are you willing to wait and is it in vain...i dont know that i would just want to be a comfort as well

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  2. smart move on the finances as well...

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  3. You deserve more than being someone's "comfort". You deserve to be everything that you want to be, everything and more than what you put down here.
    I'm your friend, and you know I will support you no matter what you decide.
    But as your friend it is also my job to remind you that you deserve better, that you deserve happiness and love and everything that comes along with it.
    I'm always here if you need me, but you already know this. :)

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  4. i think it's hard to answer that question..only you can answer.
    but then you deserve better than to be someone's comfort...

    big hugs to you!
    xx

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  5. Sounds like AZ could be your life's work. Only you can know what you want from life, where you want to go, and if you have the gumption to tackle what it all entails. Blessings, Amy, as you walk this lonely road.
    Rosemary

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