Friday, April 11, 2014

Weakness vs. High Expectations

I feel weak. Not physically but mentally.Here I am whining about my life again.  This blog was started to be a therapy place for me but I also expected that I would be able to get past that and move onto a happier place. But here I am again, whining about being lonely, whining about my father's illness and so much more.

Since I haven't moved forward, I feel weak. I feel like I am playing a victim.  I am sick and tired of whining about my life.  I am just sick and tired of being in my own head.

I have a friend who insists I am the strongest person she knows.  I don't feel strong.  I feel that if I were strong, I wouldn't be whining about all this.  I wouldn't want to hide under the covers in bed and cry all day long.  If I were strong, I wouldn't have run and hid from this blog.  If I were strong, I would be able to find the happiness in my life.  If I were strong, I wouldn't....... there's just so many to name.

I want to be strong. I want to be happy.  I want to be a part of a couple. I  want to be out in the world with a happy and shining face.  There are so many wants that I have and I just can't seem to accomplish them.

Am I expecting too much of myself to think I can handle the break up/move+loneliness+Dad being sick?  Shouldn't I be able to handle all this, process all this and still be happy? I think I should be able to.  But then you have to add in disappointment in myself for being in this whining place again.

I have high expectations of myself and sometimes beat myself up for what I see as failures or mistakes.  

Right now I feel that I should be over the break up.  I mean I didn't "love" him and we didn't really have a relationship because he was stoned all the time.  We shared a house and an occasional conversation.  I don't miss him.  I miss the house and just the fact that there was someone else in the house making noise.  There were times when he would make me feel like we were a couple but those times were few and far between.

But once again, I failed at a relationship.  It doesn't matter that I worked very hard to make it work and the other partner in the relationship didn't want it to work, I am still disappointed in myself over the failure.  And I am still beating myself up over the failure.  I haven't moved on from it and that is irrational.  This is definitely something I need to work on, along with so much else.


  1. You are strong.

    And remember, this to shall pass. I promise. You probably feel like it won't ever, but it will.

  2. Remember it's okay to feel . Remember under the circumstances this is all normal to feel. Tough times take a while to move through and process . Talk it out when you need to. Confide in your friends too , don't beat yourself up it really is a process to work through it . You have a lot going on right now, just take it a day at a time. . Are there any support groups in your area ~ sometimes that helps you to not feel so alone too , to know other have been through what you are going through .
    Take care and be easy on yourself.

  3. there is nothing wrong with being weak at times....and being honest about it as well...we can feel we always need to be strong...and we cant...and we all fail as well..hopefully we fail forward....


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