This weekend left me disappointed and discouraged with myself. It was a horrid weekend with Jakes. We started Friday with an argument. We weren't even back on the highway when I was asking him if he'd like to go back to his dad's for the weekend. 10 minutes in the car and we were arguing already.
Things didn't get much better the rest of the weekend. I get sick and tired of him contradicting me and telling me I'm wrong. What should be a simple conversation with him, turns into an argument. And that's even when I refuse to argue with him. Then he gets mad at me for not speaking to him.
The final straw on Sunday was when he was arguing with me over the fact that his father is right about the visitation schedule. It didn't matter what I said or showed him on the calendar, his father was right according to Jakes. So not only was Jakes arguing with me, he was taking his fathers side of the argument. And getting loud over it.
I just got tired of being demeaned by my son. I got tired of feeling like I did when I was married, nothing I said was correct, nothing I did was right, and he (my son) talked to me like I was stupid. One of the biggest reasons I divorced was because I was tired of the verbal and emotional abuse. I will not take that same abuse from my child.
I called his father and told him to come and get Jakes immediately, which thankfully he did.
But this lead me to tears. What kind of a mother can't even handle her child for 2 days each week? I sent my child to live with his father in the hopes that I will be able to have a better relationship with him but that seems to be hit and miss. I realize with the aspergers, Jakes is not going to be a normal moody teen. But with that realization, shouldn't I be better prepared to deal with him and his moods? And since I only have him for 2 days a week, shouldn't I have more patience to be able to stand being with him?
I am disappointed in myself. I am the adult in this situation, I am the one who should be able to deal with him and his arguments. I know that he is going to argue with me and try to control me. But I let him get to me. I let him push my buttons. I let him have that power over me. I know better.
I am discouraged that things don't seem to be changing between Jakes and myself. Yes, we don't fight physically anymore but that's because all he does is sit and watch TV. We do argue verbally over things, usually me being wrong. This move to his Dad's was supposed to be better for both of us. Yes, there have been improvements but there are still lots of discouraging things between us.
This coming weekend is supposed to be my weekend off from Jakes and I think I will enjoy it. Right now, I don't want to talk to him or see him. What kind of mother doesn't want her child?