Monday, February 13, 2012

Disappointed & Discouraged

This weekend left me disappointed and discouraged with myself.  It was a horrid weekend with Jakes.  We started Friday with an argument.  We weren't even back on the highway when I was asking him if he'd like to go back to his dad's for the weekend.  10 minutes in the car and we were arguing already.

Things didn't get much better the rest of the weekend.  I get sick and tired of him contradicting me and telling me I'm wrong.  What should be a simple conversation with him, turns into an argument.  And that's even when I refuse to argue with him.  Then he gets mad at me for not speaking to him.

The final straw on Sunday was when he was arguing with me over the fact that his father is right about the visitation schedule.  It didn't matter what I said or showed him on the calendar, his father was right according to Jakes.  So not only was Jakes arguing with me, he was taking his fathers side of the argument.  And getting loud over it.

I just got tired of being demeaned by my son.  I got tired of feeling like I did when I was married, nothing I said was correct, nothing I did was right, and he (my son) talked to me like I was stupid.  One of the biggest reasons I divorced was because I was tired of the verbal and emotional abuse.  I will not take that same abuse from my child.

I called his father and told him to come and get Jakes immediately, which thankfully he did.

But this lead me to tears.  What kind of a mother can't even handle her child for 2 days each week? I sent my child to live with his father in the hopes that I will be able to have a better relationship with him but that seems to be hit and miss.  I realize with the aspergers, Jakes is not going to be a normal moody teen.  But with that realization, shouldn't I be better prepared to deal with him and his moods?  And since I only have him for 2 days a week, shouldn't I have more patience to be able to stand being with him?

I am disappointed in myself.  I am the adult in this situation, I am the one who should be able to deal with him and his arguments.  I know that he is going to argue with me and try to control me.  But I let him get to me.  I let him push my buttons.  I let him have that power over me.  I know better.

I am discouraged that things don't seem to be changing between Jakes and myself.  Yes, we don't fight physically anymore but that's because all he does is sit and watch TV.  We do argue verbally over things, usually me being wrong.  This move to his Dad's was supposed to be better for both of us.  Yes, there have been improvements but there are still lots of discouraging things between us.

This coming weekend is supposed to be my weekend off from Jakes and I think I will enjoy it.  Right now, I don't want to talk to him or see him.  What kind of mother doesn't want her child?


  1. we bought a group of CD's called Total Transformation. I learned so much about parenting from listening to those tapes...I would recommend listening to what the experts have to say!

  2. sorry you had such a rough weekend...on question i would ask is why you were even discussing the visitation schedule with jakes...that is between you and the father to work out...also you draw the lines as the parent, set the boundaries...

  3. im sorry honey.

    you know, i am going to say something that might not be popular, but here goes.

    in addition to the medical diagnosis and all of those trimmings, jakes is also dealing with his fathers genes, and influences. does this make him a bad person? NO of course not, but it does mean you will always be dealing with shades of your ex.

    and if his personality and his teachings override your personality and teachings then it is absolutely okay that you can elect not to be subjected to that again.

    i dont think i am saying this well, and im sorry. i just mean to express that moms are only half of the equation that makes our children.

    hugs to you.

    and do remember there have been good times, good visits and progress made. a few steps back does not change the overall path you two could walk together.

    love you lady

  4. Do you really not want Jakes?

    I think you know you're being too hard on yourself. You're emotional right now coming off such a rough weekend. You've had a lot of good weekends and moments since he moved to his dads. There are still going to be bad ones, no matter what, I think that's part parenting, part teenager, part aspergers.

    Regroup, and let it go. Like anything, there will be moments of backsliding, and moments you'll love. It doesn't mean you are a bad mother. It doesn't mean you don't love your child.

    The fact is, parenting is hard as hell. Parenting a teenager is real hell. Parenting a aspergers teenager is a mountain of hell. But those are the bad times. And I'm sure they tend to stick out much more than the good, especially now when you're feeling (undeserved) guilt over sending Jakes to live with his dad. You did that for a reason.

    It's going to take time, and then more time, and even more time. But hang in there. He's worth it. You will make it.

    Until then, hugs.

  5. You do want your child. You don't mean that literally. You just had a bad visit, but remember that they're not all like that.

    Teenagers are extraordinarily tough to deal with, and he appears to be no exception to that rule. He knows what buttons to push, and he's going to push them, you're right. If you react to it, he'll keep on because he gets satisfaction in knowing he got to you. Your biggest challenge will be in not reacting when he goes for the jugular.

  6. It is hard to be faced with NOT wanting to spend time with our children. MAN IT STINKS! But, you are being honest with yourself as you work through your feelings. Draw the line with Jakes...he will learn he cannot act that way when he is at your house. STAND your ground Amy! Maybe a week off will be just the trick!

  7. Just writing to offer sympathy, not advice. Anyone who says they never feel that way about their child is nuts or lying. I hope things get easier, but don't beat yourself up if you can help it. Virtual hugs to you.

  8. I swear I posted a comment on this already, but I am clearly losing my mind. Don't be too hard on yourself - we ALL go through these struggles. Sometimes I feel like the most horrible person in the world when i let my kids push my buttons, but OMG - angsty teen + drama queen + stressed out mom + often-not-supportive-dad = FIREWORKS


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