Everyone has things they want to avoid, some things are as simple as getting on the scale at the Drs and others are as huge as an illness in your child. No, my child is not ill but I will try to avoid the scale in the Drs Office next week.
What I have been avoiding is the possibility that I have damaged my child in my life choices and insecurities. Even now, I hesitate to type this out but I can’t avoid it any more. In order to fix any damage that is there, I cannot avoid this any longer.
In my first session with the therapist, she was asking about anyone in my life. While I have wonderful family and friends who love and support me, I have not --- I don’t want to offend my loved ones or to make myself seem like I need a man to live happily --- put myself out there to find someone to “complete me”. (Gag – but you get the picture).
For the longest time, my life was just about survival and learning to cope with a special needs child, helping him to acclimate to the new life we were living. I have neglected my emotional fulfillment, it seems. After getting my heart stomped, it is easier for me to be as independent as possible, but it comes with a price, my relationship with Son.
When my friend stopped over the other night, I realized how much I liked having someone there with me after Son was in bed. Someone to cuddle on the couch with, have adult conversations, just BE there with me. For that evening at least, my emotional needs were met and for that I thank my friend! Come back soon!
Because I don’t have anyone in my life regularly to meet my emotional needs (Sorry Neicy, complaining to you doesn’t meet my needs and is totally not fair to YOU! Hugs that you have stuck by me for so long!), I am more easily frustrated with Son’s actions and behaviors. Hearing the therapist describe how my lack of emotional health is making life more difficult for us made me feel like a failure. I am sure the therapist doesn’t think that I am a failure as a mother. I know she was only trying to be helpful and to teach me pieces of what’s wrong in order to be able to point us in a good direction. It still was very hard to hear but necessary, so very necessary because now we can take steps to fix this.
Another thing that I have not discussed with the therapist yet is that I resent Son and his problems, more the disease of Aspergers Syndrome than Son. I hate that we have to have a strict schedule that I have to pay such close attention to EVERY situation to ensure there will not be a meltdown, that because of his disability we argue, and that we have to go back to therapy. I see other families functioning in a way that I wish we could but will never happen because of Aspergers. I see families who make it seem EASY to get through each day, kids who listen to their parents, kids who can get along easily in school, families who don’t seem to have to struggle the way we do. I want that easy. Just for once, I want something to be easy for me to do.
I think a lot of my whining is because I am tired of dealing with this; especially as the only parent. Son’s father doesn’t believe in the diagnosis and provides no help in the therapies. In fact, he probably thinks that I suck as a mother. I know that I don’t, I just feel that way sometimes. I have the wonderful support of my family and friends but that is not the same as having the other parent help.
The therapist gave some suggestions for me to work on my emotional health. I just need to find what fulfills me and I need to make the time to engage in them. I NEED to make myself healthier for the sake of my son and our relationship.
As you can see, I have TONS of issues and baggage and I have considered therapy just for myself but have decided to wait and see how things go with sharing Son's for now. I am not afraid to ask for help when I think I need it. I know that its not too late to fix any damage done to Son and our relationship and I will work to make sure we not only survive this but that we THRIVE in our lives.
Help me out by sharing what fulfills you! Maybe its something that will work for me too!
OH! Thanks for listening!