Jaxon vs. The Vacuum

Jaxon doesn't like the vacuum. When I have it out, he avoids it like the plague and when its running, he's jumping from chair to sofa to chair and back again.

The other day, I heard him scratching at the floor, which he does when he's lost his ball and needs my help.  This is what I found.....

The vacuum stole his ball

Me being the good mom that I am, grabbed the camera instead of helping him........

I hope this thing doesn't turn on......

Just so I couldn't be called a bad mom, I was encouraging him to get the ball, that the vacuum was safe and wouldn't hurt him.

He finally got it!

What a brave doggie! He was one happy pup when I put the vacuum away.

Jumpin on the Booby Band Wagon

I've seen the news stories on the mayor of NYC mandating that hospitals lock up the formula and encourage new mothers to breast feed exclusively.  This bothers me because it feels as though my choice of how I want to feed my child is being taken from me. Isn't the United States the "free country" where we are allowed to make what we feel are the right choices for ourselves and our families?  Does the government REALLY have the right to step in and dictate to me what is best for me and my child?

This smacks of the government saying I don't know what is best for my family.  They are going to step in and tell me I am a bad mother before I even have a chance to bring the child home.  What a blow to my self-esteem!

I remember when I was pregnant with Jakes and my Drs office went over everything I would need to know during the pregnancy and even chatted a bit about what to expect after delivery.  When I went in to have Jakes it was with the expectation that I would have an epidural so as not to feel any pain and then to pop my new infant right onto my breast when he was cleaned up. 

What a dream world did I live in?  Yes, I had my rose colored glasses on!

After burying my mother, I arrived at the hospital during a full moon which lead to a very busy delivery center.  I was in full labor and ready for my drugs.  But they were so busy, they couldn't get to me just yet.  Hang in there they said, it won't be long before the drugs and you have a long way to go yet.

I was scared, sad, depressed, excited and happy all at once during Jakes delivery. It had already been a long couple of stressful days, with a long stressful month leading up to this day.  I couldn't wait to meet my son!  I wanted my mom to be there to meet my son.  I wanted DRUGS!!!

After they got me settled in a delivery room things progressed much more quickly than they expected. There was no time for drugs, no time for anything but listening to my body and working with it to bring my son into the world.  And all I wanted was drugs and my mommy.  I got neither.

Once Jakes was in my arms, I presented him to my breast for our first bonding session.  This did not go well.  I was tired, exhausted, sad, depressed and excited all at the same time.  How is it possible to feel so many emotions all at the same time?

Jakes wouldn't latch on, he just wanted to sleep.  me too, kiddo, me too!  So I asked the nurse to take him to the nursey so that I could sleep.  She looked at me like I was emotionally derranged.  All I wanted to say was "if you knew what I did today, you'd do it too! so don't judge me."

I continued to try to get Jakes to latch on, even once we were at home, he wanted nothing to do with me.  He did take the bottle very nicely and the formula agreed with him.  He was not an overweight baby, ever.  In fact, he was always so small the Drs worried that he wasn't eating enough.  Other than that, he was a healthy and happy baby who met his milestones on time. 

I am afraid that other new mothers will be made to feel as though they are less than a good mother because they choose to bottle or breast feed.  Everyone should be able to choose how they feed their child and they should be able to make that choice without being made to feel badly about their choice.  But they should be educated about all their options.

If the hospitals and their staff are going to educate new mothers on the benefits of breast feeding, I think they should also be educated on the benefits of formula for their babies.  I don't think the hospitals and their staff members should be allowed to show a preference for either feeding method. I think the only ones allowed to show a preference for a feeding method should be the mother and possibly the father of the baby.  It should be an educated choice for the family.

But the government should NOT be allowed to dictate to ME about doing what I think is best for myself, my child and my family.

Momma's Tibute

In January I decided that I was going to honor my mother with good memories and experiences.  I wasn't going to be sad over her passing anymore.  You can check out my tribute to my Momma here......

This Mothers Day, while pretty sucky for me thanks to Asshat, I had planned to write a tribute to the two women in my life who become my special mothers figures over the years.

First is my ESM aka Evil Step Mother aka Renie. She's been in the family for about 12 years now and to say I welcomed her with open arms would be an exaggeration.  She and Dad started dating about a year after Mom passed and I just wasn't ready for it.  I didn't fight it nor was I rude or mean to her.  I just wasn't very open.  I knew that Daddy deserved to be happy and she made him happy.  ESM understood and didn't push her way in with me.  Just accepted things they way they were and waited for me to come around.  As I saw how happy she made my dad and that she did love Jakes like her own, she grew on me.  She is a wonderful stand-in mom without replacing my momma.

My second special mom is my neighbor and landlord, Kathy.  I served her with adoption papers this mothers day.  Obviously, we started with a normal tenant/landlord relationship.  But since she was such good friends with my parents, she was included in a lot of the activities and dinners with my parents.  Kathy is another one who has grown on me over the years.  I think Kathy finally admitted that she loved me more than a neighbor was when I took her doggies in while she was in the hospital once.  Kathy has become another grandmother to Jakes and you can never have enough grandmothers.  When Kathy had surgery a couple of summers ago, all her neighbors worked to make sure she was taken care of until her kids could fly in.  We flew to AZ together last summer and it was a fun trip!  I enjoyed her company on the plane and in the airport.

I am truly blessed to have had a wonderful mother who loved me with all she was.  I am also blessed to have such wonderful mother figures in my life since my momma can't be with me.

Life Without Jakes

Yes, its lonely, especially in the evening after work.  But I seem to find things to fill my hours.  Yes, there have been nights when I have gone straight to bed after work.  But there have been lots of nights when I've stayed up until midnight watching movies.

I have spent time with girlfriends for dinner and Rita's.  Gone shopping with ESM. AND of course, there was my 2 week vacation to AZ.  Life is not perfect, money is tight, but I am happier with my life.  I look forward to going home where there is peace finally.  I look forward to seeing Jakes when its my time.  I get excited when he texts or emails me.  I mean, I literally bounce in my chair when I hear the special tone assigned to his texts!

BlueViolet from A Nut in a Nutshell has made several comments on my posts recently about how happy I sound.  I am happy!  There are still changes and improvements I want to make to my life, but life is a work in progress.  You have to have dreams and goals in order to live.  And I have both.

I worked hard to make things between Jakes and I better.  I did everything within my power but it was not to be.  I am accepting that its not a failure on my part as a mother.  I am trying to change my way of thinking to be that maybe I wasn't meant to be a full-time mother to a male tween.  Jakes has needs that I cannot provide for right now.  That doesn't mean I have failed him, because I recognized that he has needs that I cannot provide to him.  I have set him free to have his needs fulfilled by his father.  I am still a big part of Jakes life and always will be.  He is my son, no matter what form of parenting I provide to him.

Damn, I almost sound healthy, don't I?  Scary!!!!!!  Since Halloween, there has been more laughter than tears in my house.  That's the way it should be.

Per our agreement, I get Jakes almost every weekend and so far, they have been good ones.  I like spending time with my kid, even if its just sitting watching movies and stuff.  This past weekend, we went to dinner and Wal-mart in MD. I met one of his teachers while there.  She was very nice and had good things to say about Jakes.  On Saturday, we went to riding lessons, cleaned out the storm cellar, and baked cookies.  In the evening, we snuggled up and watched movies.  Sunday, we sat around watching movies and being silly.

I actually liked hanging out with my kid!  Its been a long time since that's happened.

We have hit some bumps in the road, with Jakes wanting to control the visitation and his father allowing it.  Jakes and I talked and came up with a plan to work out the visitation.  We'll see how it goes.

Jakes says he's happy at his dad's.  He's passing all his classes at school and is growing like a WEED!  He's talker than me already!  YIKES!

I personally, am so much less stressed without Jakes around all the time. Without the arguing and the head-butting, we get along better.  He texts me almost every day, even though he said he doesn't want me to text him everyday.  But he starts it!

After all the soul searching, counseling, and agonizing, I am realizing that Jakes living with his dad has been a good thing for both of us.  I love and LIKE my kid again. 

The Move

Well, the move happened this weekend, even during the nasty rain/snow/sleet storm we had on Saturday.  Because of the storm, not all of Jakes stuff could go.  His clothes and the important toys and the crabs went with him.  He'll have to take the rest of it next weekend.

I cried.  Not a lot.  And not while Jakes was still here.  I told him I loved him and I would miss him.  I will see him on Friday for the entire weekend.

After he left, I got Teddy out and crawled into bed for a good cry. Teddy has been with me since before I was born.  He's a little worse for wear but I keep him in a bag in my closet for the hard days or nights.  He knows all my secrets, holds all my tears and is there when I need a hug.

As I lay in bed crying, I was also thinking of my failure as a mother.  You have all been so wonderfully supportive in my decision and in reminding me that I have not failed.  Part of me agrees with that but there is another part, my heart, that needs to find a way to make peace with that fact.  I am hoping to do that here today.

I had a very hard time accepting that I didn't fail at my marriage.  With counseling, I was able to accept that while the marriage failed, it wasn't completely my failure.  With Kate's help, I was able to change my thinking about the failure of the marriage.  And to realize that the divorce was for the better for myself and Jakes.  So, I have to change my thinking about this situation with Jakes.

My vision of the "right" family make-up comes from my own growing up.  Two parents in the home, kids, everyone getting along.  Most of the kids I grew up with had both parents in the home, no divorces and sharing of the kids.

I had reconciled myself to being a single mom, sort of.  I was going to make the best of it anyway.  Being without my ex was better for me, the mental abuse was no longer there.  Jakes was still seeing his father on weekends and holidays. 

These days, the roles of parents are completely different from the "traditional" roles that I grew up seeing.  There are step-parents, stay-at-home-moms and increasingly more stay-at-home-dads.  More and more fathers are stepping up to be more involved in their children's lives, they see parenting as part of their identity, just as women see being a mother as part of their identities.

When I was growing up, I never imagined that I would have kids of my own.  I was never a "kid" person, I babysat my cousins and that was a good reminder of why I didn't want kids of my own.  When I decided to get pregnant with Jakes, it was because my mom was dying and I hoped she would get to see her first grandchild.  Don't get me wrong, I don't regret my decision to bring Jakes into this world.  I love him with all my being and soul.

I am going to change how I think of motherhood. Maybe my current belief that the child always belongs with the mother is outdated and wrong for my child.  There is a good possibility that I was not meant to be the traditional mother.  The mother that participates as room mother at school and goes on all the field trips.  I know I could never be happy as a stay at home mom.  Maybe with my temperament and Jakes special needs, I will be a better mother to him when I am not his full time mother.

Its time to think outside the "traditional" box.  Its time to embrace my new role in Jakes life and make the best of it.  If I can make the best of it, he stands a better chance of success as well.