Life Without Jakes

Yes, its lonely, especially in the evening after work.  But I seem to find things to fill my hours.  Yes, there have been nights when I have gone straight to bed after work.  But there have been lots of nights when I've stayed up until midnight watching movies.

I have spent time with girlfriends for dinner and Rita's.  Gone shopping with ESM. AND of course, there was my 2 week vacation to AZ.  Life is not perfect, money is tight, but I am happier with my life.  I look forward to going home where there is peace finally.  I look forward to seeing Jakes when its my time.  I get excited when he texts or emails me.  I mean, I literally bounce in my chair when I hear the special tone assigned to his texts!

BlueViolet from A Nut in a Nutshell has made several comments on my posts recently about how happy I sound.  I am happy!  There are still changes and improvements I want to make to my life, but life is a work in progress.  You have to have dreams and goals in order to live.  And I have both.

I worked hard to make things between Jakes and I better.  I did everything within my power but it was not to be.  I am accepting that its not a failure on my part as a mother.  I am trying to change my way of thinking to be that maybe I wasn't meant to be a full-time mother to a male tween.  Jakes has needs that I cannot provide for right now.  That doesn't mean I have failed him, because I recognized that he has needs that I cannot provide to him.  I have set him free to have his needs fulfilled by his father.  I am still a big part of Jakes life and always will be.  He is my son, no matter what form of parenting I provide to him.

Damn, I almost sound healthy, don't I?  Scary!!!!!!  Since Halloween, there has been more laughter than tears in my house.  That's the way it should be.

Per our agreement, I get Jakes almost every weekend and so far, they have been good ones.  I like spending time with my kid, even if its just sitting watching movies and stuff.  This past weekend, we went to dinner and Wal-mart in MD. I met one of his teachers while there.  She was very nice and had good things to say about Jakes.  On Saturday, we went to riding lessons, cleaned out the storm cellar, and baked cookies.  In the evening, we snuggled up and watched movies.  Sunday, we sat around watching movies and being silly.

I actually liked hanging out with my kid!  Its been a long time since that's happened.

We have hit some bumps in the road, with Jakes wanting to control the visitation and his father allowing it.  Jakes and I talked and came up with a plan to work out the visitation.  We'll see how it goes.

Jakes says he's happy at his dad's.  He's passing all his classes at school and is growing like a WEED!  He's talker than me already!  YIKES!

I personally, am so much less stressed without Jakes around all the time. Without the arguing and the head-butting, we get along better.  He texts me almost every day, even though he said he doesn't want me to text him everyday.  But he starts it!

After all the soul searching, counseling, and agonizing, I am realizing that Jakes living with his dad has been a good thing for both of us.  I love and LIKE my kid again.